Singles that are emotionally bankrupt after being so invested

[LookAtThisPOst]

Male friend of mine, early 50s, though he's been dating here and there, even have had women interested in him, he hasn't really been putting effort nor the energy into the women that even show interest.

 

As if it's just too much energy or work. And it's nothing against them personally, it's just in general.

 

He recently told me that, even though he's over his last relationship from years ago (like 5 or 6 years), he says he feels "emotionally bankrupt"...not sure what that means entirely, but in context I think there are some people out there that reach a saturation point of having been emotionally invested in previous relationships...COUNTING on them to last almost indefinately.

 

I recall a woman that I knew, was divorced twice. In her second marriage she was seriously wanting IT to work, only to have her 2nd husband cheat on her (her first husband cheated on her too).

 

Though she was on POF, she was so emotionally bankrupt to the point of getting emotional when she talked about it.

 

She was really counting on her 2nd marriage lasting "until death" and now...she admittedly said she probably couldn't ever get intimate romantically with a man again.

 

Some people put all their heart and soul into their previous relationships or marriages, and sadly the other party walks out of it emotionally unscathed, 'no biggie" attitude, while the person they hurt ...well, their head will never be the same nor they will they ever be ready to date again.

 

Though they enjoy their time with friends and family, they are likely ...not bitter, but just jaded or "dead" romantically when it comes to the opposite sex.

 

I talk to him about some of the women he dates, some he finds as he puts "interesting". Usually women he "likes" he refers to as a rather neutral word "interesting". He doesn't use typical terminology when talking about a woman he's attracted to.

 

I'm always asking, "Um...interesting? Are you attracted to her? Is she cute? Great personality?" But initially, he always uses very generic/neutral terms as if he was describing the behavior of an animal or something.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

 

I think some of these very people are trying online dating, and it's just not working for them because their effort to put anything into future dating prospects is just not there anymore.

 

It's as if they are making feigned attempts at dating. I mean, it's like throwing them in the water, but to get them to swim is an different story.

 

Thoughts?

[loveweary11]

Perfectly and accurately describes how I feel.

 

As it turns out, for guys like us, no woman is special anymore. The ones we thought were special turned out to be garbage, so all the new ones aren't really very impressive.

 

We figure it's just going to end anyway, they'll probably trick us like others did or act two faced, so there is no longer a feeling inside that develops when you meet people.

 

You literally don't care about anyone anymore.

[shoplocal]

This is how I feel! So glad to find words for it now. Except I don't online date anymore, I meet people IRL. I'm so 'meh' about the whole process of meeting and getting to know people who fizzle out my life.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Perfectly and accurately describes how I feel.

 

As it turns out, for guys like us, no woman is special anymore. The ones we thought were special turned out to be garbage, so all the new ones aren't really very impressive.

 

We figure it's just going to end anyway, they'll probably trick us like others did or act two faced, so there is no longer a feeling inside that develops when you meet people.

 

You literally don't care about anyone anymore.

 

Well, I wouldn't say it's gender specific, because I have a close female friend that actually the only thing after her divorce she was thankful is signing a pre-nup because her ex-husband was attempting to get her crap...but conveniently forgot about the pre-nup...so joke was on him.

 

When I was talking about my "dating woes' with her, as old-fashioned as she is, she even advised getting a pre-nup or anyone rather...before getting married as standard operating procedure...esp. when you're older as you go into the marriage with your stuff that you've accumulated through the decades.

 

I don't know, can you imagine going into a marriage with a pre-nup in mind?

[soph-walker]

This is how I feel! So glad to find words for it now. Except I don't online date anymore, I meet people IRL. I'm so 'meh' about the whole process of meeting and getting to know people who fizzle out my life.

 

This resonates with me, although I recently was seeing a guy I met 'in real life', I ended it as he wasn't right for me (emotionally immature- I found out he played with action figurines, he's 29).

I'm back to online dating and just finding it so hard and thinking of calling it off for good and accepting I'll be single for a long time.

 

I totally understand the emotional bankruptcy though...the thought of having a serious relationship end again is hard going, but life must go on and it always does!

 

I think time doesn't lessen pain, it just helps you deal with things in a more manageable way.

 

That's my outlook, anyway.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

At the moment, I'm pretty emotionally drained myself. I put my heart and soul into my last relationship only to have him break up with me twice. I basically fell in love and hung on to the wrong man for about 4 years. I have a silver of hope that someday I'll meet someone worthwhile again but right now I'm completely exhausted.

 

All I want now is friendship and kindness from the guys I meet. It's been almost 3 months since the break up and I crave love and affection but have no energy or desire to put the effort out there. At the moment, I feel like I have nothing left to give.

 

I hope that changes sooner than later though. I am awfully lonely.

[soph-walker]

At the moment, I'm pretty emotionally drained myself. I put my heart and soul into my last relationship only to have him break up with me twice. I basically fell in love and hung on to the wrong man for about 4 years. I have a silver of hope that someday I'll meet someone worthwhile again but right now I'm completely exhausted.

 

All I want now is friendship and kindness from the guys I meet. It's been almost 3 months since the break up and I crave love and affection but have no energy or desire to put the effort out there. At the moment, I feel like I have nothing left to give.

 

I hope that changes sooner than later though. I am awfully lonely.

 

I hear you, I've been there and know how it feels to miss the companionship.

I really would give yourself time to try and move on, by focusing on the present and trying to let the future unfold as the days go by.

 

It's so easy when you feel lonely to think of what you want most, which is mostly a stable, loving relationship, but realise this also...the grass is always greener. I was with my friends (who are all in long term relationships) and they said to me they miss being single! I laughed and said I would love to swap!

[GemmaUK]

I don't tend to 'invest in' I take dating day to day and see how things go.

However..the last dating experience I had that could be called a RS was totally draining.

I was his entire life pretty much, he would text from 5.30am until midnight (we're talking 50+ texts each day here minimum) and as well as that demand a call of an hour minimum each night.

The first sign I should have heeded was a couple of weeks in when my brother was over and visiting for the first time in 10 years. I organised outings with them, day and evenings and also organised weird working hours with my boss - all was good. My fella got 'put out' that I would not have more time during that time for texts and calls.

Bear in mind here that I don't even touch my phone when I am with someone unless we are meeting up with them.

 

So..time went on a bit and my work got much busier and I warned him - all good - or so I thought.

Nope - not good - he got clingier. Told me I was lying.

I tried to end it soon after but I was so massively exhausted that any call where I attempted this turned into a major issue and I admittedly just gave in.

I tried to end the RS 4 times, the 5th was just by text - this one worked but he hassled me for a further 5 months and then back in May this year he was in my area for some reason. I saw him a few times. He lives over 200 miles away and doesn't have (or didn't have) any work commitments anywhere near me. At the same time he was writing vile things about me on his FB page so mutual friends have told me.

 

I have dipped my toe back in to OLD a bit recently but I am half hearted.

A man who is way too full on is not for me and certainly not one who judges me for not saying/behaving/acting like 'women' should (which was a big thing with my ex).

 

Perhaps your friend has the same feelings as I do and so much 'full on' from a first meet or a date is just too much. It's not organic. You feel pressured and smothered.

I can understand that completely!

[LookAtThisPOst]

I hear you, I've been there and know how it feels to miss the companionship.

I really would give yourself time to try and move on, by focusing on the present and trying to let the future unfold as the days go by.

 

It's so easy when you feel lonely to think of what you want most, which is mostly a stable, loving relationship, but realise this also...the grass is always greener. I was with my friends (who are all in long term relationships) and they said to me they miss being single! I laughed and said I would love to swap!

 

Well, I have to get a counter point to that. I have a very attractive, female married friend...married to her husband, surprisingly, for 20 years, have an 18 year old son.

 

I met her through Meetup as she's pretty much the only woman that shows up to events without her husband as he works a night shift, so she's a housewife with much much of a social life.

 

She wound up being the designated driver to a lotof the single ladies in her meetup/circle of friends...and she told me that she is indeed glad NOT to be single and married, mainly because of the horror dating/ex-boyfriend stories she's heard from her female bachelorette friends.

 

She's like "Thank HEAVENS I'm married! I don't miss being single in the least!"

[LookAtThisPOst]

Perhaps your friend has the same feelings as I do and so much 'full on' from a first meet or a date is just too much. It's not organic. You feel pressured and smothered.

I can understand that completely!

 

Actually, there is no real smothering going on here in his case. *shrug* It was pretty standard methods of keeping in touch. He's actually not all that busy. He works in retail, but never on the weekends. Family owned business and plenty of spare time on his hands.

[loveweary11]

Well, I wouldn't say it's gender specific, because I have a close female friend that actually the only thing after her divorce she was thankful is signing a pre-nup because her ex-husband was attempting to get her crap...but conveniently forgot about the pre-nup...so joke was on him.

 

When I was talking about my "dating woes' with her, as old-fashioned as she is, she even advised getting a pre-nup or anyone rather...before getting married as standard operating procedure...esp. when you're older as you go into the marriage with your stuff that you've accumulated through the decades.

 

I don't know, can you imagine going into a marriage with a pre-nup in mind?

 

 

??? I was relating to your 50 yr old guy. Gender had nothing to do with the post.

 

I'd never marry anyone without a prenup.

 

Too many evil people out there to go blindly into a marriage these days.

 

Look no further than all the post here: "he/she vanished after x# of years." Invariably, these Vanishers walk with significant assets too. Never risking my assets again.

 

Mine drained out joint savings account as she vanished. I lost a significant amount of money to that and the bank wouldn't do a thing. It was her money as well as mine and first come first served for stealing it.

 

If these type of people (you've been married to for a decade) get the drop on you with things like that, you lose.

 

"prenup ir go f*ck" is my motto.

[carhill]

OP, it reads like your friend has developed a marked neutrality, perhaps even trending to apathy, about dating and the romantic process. IMO, it's not about the women at all, rather his psyche. He doesn't sound angry with women, or even disappointed by them, rather just 'meh'.

 

I've had some of that experience in my 50's and ascribed it having to do more with my love bank for romance being empty, as I don't think 'bankrupt' is the appropriate word, after my D. There's still enough left to have healthy friendships but I've also noted some reduction in that balance as well, being less likely to be a 'giver' in an altruistic way.

 

Being social creatures, most of us, even if feeling bereft, desire human companionship so IMO that's where the spurts of putting oneself out there come from, if one would otherwise not wish to invest the time, energy and emotions. That depends on the person.

[soph-walker]

Well, I have to get a counter point to that. I have a very attractive, female married friend...married to her husband, surprisingly, for 20 years, have an 18 year old son.

 

I met her through Meetup as she's pretty much the only woman that shows up to events without her husband as he works a night shift, so she's a housewife with much much of a social life.

 

She wound up being the designated driver to a lotof the single ladies in her meetup/circle of friends...and she told me that she is indeed glad NOT to be single and married, mainly because of the horror dating/ex-boyfriend stories she's heard from her female bachelorette friends.

 

She's like "Thank HEAVENS I'm married! I don't miss being single in the least!"

 

Of course there will be people in relationships with that feeling, I was trying to remind that the grass can, indeed, be greener

 

Me personally, would either be completely stone-cold single OR in a long-term relationship...it's the nitty-gritty inbetween bit that makes me shudder, but an unfortunate necessary if anyone wants to have a committed relationship - yikes!

[GemmaUK]

Actually, there is no real smothering going on here in his case. *shrug* It was pretty standard methods of keeping in touch. He's actually not all that busy. He works in retail, but never on the weekends. Family owned business and plenty of spare time on his hands.

 

Standard methods of communication to you and to him may vary drastically.

You might be a texter, he might not be.

 

I see folk on here going nuts about no text for 24 hrs...seriously??!!

 

To me that is bliss. Makes me wonder and it makes dating fun!

[LookAtThisPOst]

OP, it reads like your friend has developed a marked neutrality, perhaps even trending to apathy, about dating and the romantic process. IMO, it's not about the women at all, rather his psyche. He doesn't sound angry with women, or even disappointed by them, rather just 'meh'.

 

I've had some of that experience in my 50's and ascribed it having to do more with my love bank for romance being empty, as I don't think 'bankrupt' is the appropriate word, after my D. There's still enough left to have healthy friendships but I've also noted some reduction in that balance as well, being less likely to be a 'giver' in an altruistic way.

 

Being social creatures, most of us, even if feeling bereft, desire human companionship so IMO that's where the spurts of putting oneself out there come from, if one would otherwise not wish to invest the time, energy and emotions. That depends on the person.

 

Right, yeah...I would say emotionally bankrupt isn't entirely the right word. While some men even his age bracket, who seem to be highly motivated when a woman enters a room and make an approach...he's talking to other men.

 

Sometimes he's been known to sit apart from a group...like I think we had an event where it was at a restaurant, he showed up later...and sat at the bar and ordered his food there. I dunno if he was trying to make it a statement, but to me that was kind of a little "off" of him.

 

It's like he purposely distances himself from people to make it appear not to appear needy? Not sure if that's the right word.

 

He's a great friend though, and likes his friendship with people kind of like you mentioned.

 

I do feel kind of sorry for some of the women that had shown interest in him though. He would kind of drag his feet in asking them out, even though they would give him their phone #.

 

Me, 2 weeks later,"Hey, remember that woman you met, Sue? You guys go out?"

 

Him: "Nah, hadn't had a chance to call her yet, from the looks of her Facebook pictures, she looks busy."

 

Even in photo ops with the women he dates, he distances himself from them. Doesn't put his arm around them...one he even leaned on like a fence post (his elbow on her shoulder).

 

Kind of reminds me of those awkward hover hand pictures of men too afraid to touch a woman.

[MGX]

This resonates with me, although I recently was seeing a guy I met 'in real life', I ended it as he wasn't right for me (emotionally immature- I found out he played with action figurines, he's 29).

 

Out of curiosity, was that the only reason why that guy was emotionally immature? You know there's a whole culture of statues, busts and figures for adult collectors? We're talking $200+ collectibles...

[MGX]

Male friend of mine, early 50s, though he's been dating here and there, even have had women interested in him, he hasn't really been putting effort nor the energy into the women that even show interest.

 

Did you post about this guy before? This seems familiar.

[soph-walker]

Out of curiosity, was that the only reason why that guy was emotionally immature? You know there's a whole culture of statues, busts and figures for adult collectors? We're talking $200+ collectibles...

 

If he wants to collect figurines, it's up to him, just didn't sit well with me, we never had any intelligent conversation.

He had a child and used to refer to her as 'the child' instead of calling her by her name, I would ask how she was doing and he would shrug and say 'dunno'.

 

Seeing as you asked ;-)

[LookAtThisPOst]

I wanted to add, I think there are a certain category of people, that if they are the type that wear their hearts on their sleeves and go "all in" for their relationships, while their sig. other dumps them so non-nonchalantly, that they get tired of going "all in" anymore.

 

The other category of people, usually don't get too emotionally invested, even though they like the person they are with...they have the personality of easily being able to unattached themselves from the person they are dating and easily, within months, move onto the new b/f or g/f.

 

The prior mentioned will eventually, after a few times of getting dumped in a fashion where the other person got tired of you like an old pair of shoes, where that person isn't much for romance anymore.

 

So, when they TRY to get back into the dating game, they aren't really all that "into it." EVEN if the person would have been a good match for them, regardless.

 

They eventually wind up valuing friendships and comradere more than any kind of romance in their lives.

 

They've reached a saturation point.

 

Notice that people that are young have a tendency to be "in love" more so than older singles. It's easy to get googly-eyed when you're 21 and single vs. 41 and single.