Not over it [updated]

[malvern99]

If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband was asking strangers what he should do, what would you want them to tell him?

 

Love means many different things to many different people, but one universal thing about love is that we all want the best for the people we love. Sometimes our own selfish desires blind us to this simple truth, and they lead us down destructive paths. Once we find ourselves in that position though, we are faced with a fork in the road. We can either do the right thing and let the chips fall where they may, or we can continue to let our selfish desires dictate the way forward torpedoes be damned.

 

Doing the right thing is terrifying. Telling your husband you have fallen in love with and kissed another man will likely be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but at least if you do it, you will be able to live authentically. All this living in the shadows and stress and guilt can't be good for anyone. Yes, he will likely be upset and heartbroken, but for the first time in a couple of years, at least you will have shown him the basic respect due any adult. You will finally allow him to make a decision about his life going forward with all the relevant details like an adult.

 

Your other option is continuing down the current path of deception. You will not only be deceiving your family, but ultimately, you will be deceiving yourself. Living with the proverbial sword of Damocles hanging over your head is no way to live.

 

I hope you have it in you to do the right thing not only for your husband and children, but for yourself. Good luck.

Edited May 16, 2016 by malvern99

[anika99]

I know it seems strange.

If you are truely interested, i can try to explain.

 

Yes, I am truly interested.

[Bittersweetie]

I posted in your other thread a few months ago. Many people recommended therapy in order to talk through your thoughts and feelings as you move forward. Did you do that?

 

Like I said in your other thread, and affair is a choice. You made the choice to go NC and said it was helping your head clear. Now you have made the choice to be in contact again and it is muddying the waters.

 

These feelings you have, are they feelings for your AP OR are they feelings for how your AP makes you feel? Just a thought.

 

An affair mucks up everything in one's head. What's up becomes down and what's blue becomes red. NC is the only way to clear your head in order to make healthy decisions moving forward.

 

I know you said you were heartbroken during your NC. Did you think about him all the time even though there was no contact? I did that before my d-day. No actual contact but a lot of thinking about him, what he was doing, if he thought of me, about our "special" times.

 

It wasn't until after my d-day I realized while I may have had external NC I did not have internal NC. And the internal part is more important as it lets your head clear, puts things into perspective, and allows you to make healthier decisions (ones not controlled by head or heart alone).

 

My advice, go NC again. Having him around is not helping you decide what to do right now. You need time without him in the mix, time with your H and family, time with a counselor to see what it is that you really want. Or what is lacking that this AP is filling up. It isn't easy but it can be done.

[imsosad]

I maintained full external NC but there was not a second I did not think.about him. It was the same for him. I couldnt feel distant from him,even though that was what i wanted most.

I dont want an A. He doesnt either. He more or less gave me an ultimatum,but he's having trouble maintaining it.

I am in IC. My therapist met both my H (it is a therapist i have been to before and some of the sessions were more MC ) and AP ( I asked him to come see her with me and he did)

and she thinks I should divorce and remarry. She thinks my M is the best option for everyone except me and that if done thoughtfully,everyone will be happier with both of us D.

Im too scared to do that.

How did dday chance your experience of nc?

[PinkSunset]

If you truly CANNOT choose between the two, you need to tell your husband about your affair and let him decide. If he wants to work it out with you still, give it the chance.

If not, you have your AP there.

 

It sounds terrible to put AP second but honestly it seems like the best scenario. Maybe try talking to a therapist about it first and foremost before telling your H.

[NTV]

I maintained full external NC but there was not a second I did not think.about him. It was the same for him. I couldnt feel distant from him,even though that was what i wanted most.

I dont want an A. He doesnt either. He more or less gave me an ultimatum,but he's having trouble maintaining it.

I am in IC. My therapist met both my H (it is a therapist i have been to before and some of the sessions were more MC ) and AP ( I asked him to come see her with me and he did)

and she thinks I should divorce and remarry. She thinks my M is the best option for everyone except me and that if done thoughtfully,everyone will be happier with both of us D.

Im too scared to do that.

How did dday chance your experience of nc?

 

 

 

I don't know if it makes any difference to you.... probably not. But I'll give you a small bit of my experience as a BH. I broke a bone once. Had to spend months in crutches and a wheelchair. A year to be able to walk upright without assistance or cane or crutch. Another two years practicing how to walk to hide the limp. When it happened I woke up in the hospital to the sound of someone screaming and thought to myself 'what kind of man screams like that?' before realizing it was me.

 

 

When I compare it to the pain I felt from being cheated on by my wife, I would rather have that leg broken 100 times over than feel that way again. I am not exaggerating this, it is still how I truly feel to this day.

 

 

This is the pain your husband will feel from your actions should you continue. Maybe you love him maybe you don't. But you cannot continue this affair without knowing that by doing so you are gifting him unbearable pain.

 

 

If you are unsuitable to continue the marriage, then just divorce. Please don't give him this pain.

[imsosad]

So,so sorry for your horriffic experience,both physical and emotional.

I am aware of the pain that would be inflicted,on both BS.

I think i did not articulate myself well (English is not my first language,maybe that is part of the reason)

Carrying on an A is not an option, for either of us.

It is diwn to making a choice-breaking up for good or divorcing our spouses and marrying each other. No affair.

I cant live in an affair.

It is going to hurt either way.

I do love my husband, but more like a brother. I will always love him and see him as family. I dont know if i can carry on being his wife and it breaks my heart.

Edited May 16, 2016 by imsosad
typos

[loveisanaction]

Love is not selfish.

 

If you truly love your husband you will tell him the truth; that you love him and you love another man.

 

Right now you are living a selfish life. You have your husband and you have your affair partner. Your husband on the other hand has been denied the right to look for a woman who loves and wants to be with only him. Your heart is split between two men. You have cheated your husband out of finding a partner whose heart will only be for him.

 

When people talk about love they forget that love is not selfish. What you are doing is completely selfish, so how do you say that you love your husband when you have contradicted the meaning of love?

[sunburned]

IF I have followed the timeline correctly (i may not have), you only had an affair for 4 months then went NC for 14 months. At 4 months, you walked away because you knew it was wrong but you were probably in a very happy, lovey place with your AP. So, kudos because that took some guts. But it means you walked out on your A when things were "good." I don't want to patronize, but you probably didn't really know the "real" him yet. No big fights, no d-day aftermath. I could see how walking away (100 percent the right thing to do) would still leave you with heartbreak a year later because you left when the EA was still functioning very well, maybe at its peak.

 

Since you can't seem to choose, I would suggest this is a classic case of mid-life angst. AP makes you feel desirable, sexy, witty, intelligent and fun. I would also suggest this "phase" won't last. You had four months of it plus ??? (not sure you long ago you broke NC, but assume recent). Our love for our spouses evolves over years and decades. It's not hot and heavy but it is deep and meaningful. If it weren't, presumably you could leave without all the hand-wringing. You even said at the end of your 4 mos with AP, you invested in your marriage and it got better. Part of that "investment" was NC with the MM. Not sure why you you felt you could end that part of the investment without the consequence of pining for him again. You keep saying you don't want to be in an A. So stop being in an A. Just because he PLANS to leave his spouse (believe it when you see it) doesn't mean you need to leave yours. You don't "owe" him that or anything else.

 

As someone else suggested, during your 14 mos of external NC, you were still pining away internally. That's definitely the tougher NC to maintain, because it is an active process and one that involves therapy. If your therapist is suggesting you D (after just a 4 month affair with this guy) and remarry, I suggest you find a new therapist. I just think even if she felt your marriage was untenable (which would have to be based on something you haven't disclosed here on LS), a good therapist would suggest you D and be alone for at least a year before considering a new relationship.

 

Finally, I want to say if you do leave and immediately get together with MM, it's not the end of your issues. It's a new beginning for new issues ... family hostility from spouses, children, inlaws, extended family etc. You will have the demands of your ex, his ex and six children to consider. Part-time custody of kids? Both sets on the same weekend, alternating weekends? You'd have to lie about the origins of your newfound relationship. How long could you cover it up. It just sounds like a lot of unknowns when you seem so uncertain yourself anyway.

[Red123]

Love is not selfish.

 

If you truly love your husband you will tell him the truth; that you love him and you love another man.

 

Right now you are living a selfish life. You have your husband and you have your affair partner. Your husband on the other hand has been denied the right to look for a woman who loves and wants to be with only him. Your heart is split between two men. You have cheated your husband out of finding a partner whose heart will only be for him.

 

When people talk about love they forget that love is not selfish. What you are doing is completely selfish, so how do you say that you love your husband when you have contradicted the meaning of love?

I agree with this. As a BS I have always felt that I would rather deal with the pain of losing my H then have him stay with me and pine for someone else. It's so unfair to have your H live this way. The pain of betrayal is so much worse with the lies that accompany it. Also, I'm so surprised you took your AP to your MC. If my H did that with our MC I would be heartbroken. That's a safe place for our M to be discussed, having the AP in that space is so cruel. My MC wouldn't do it anyway but still that's cruel. I think you should tell your H and take the leap with your AP. The grass looks greener and you will never know unless you do it. It is so much worse to have your H live like he is. Affairs are selfish, so is keeping the truth from your H.

[imsosad]

You got the timeline exactly right. You got everything else pretty spot on too.

My therapist is basing her statements, as you guessed, on some issues I did not reveal here.

The whole aftermath of custody,kids,houses,ex spouses etc is percisely why I am stuck.

He has been living apart from his W for a better part of the year we were apart. I dont feel I owe him to leave my M.

My selfish, childish, romantic emotion want to be with my AP, but my mind knows better.

[imsosad]

Sorry for your pain.

It is not MC. She is my individual therapist. In the past, my H came in for a few sessions and she refered us to MC. He has not been to see her in a long time and we both regard her as mine. It would be indecent and unprofessional for a joint mc to see me and my ap. I would not suggest it anyway.

[imsosad]

I am taking in to account the possibilty of my ap reconciling with his W.

He left back in November. She asked for six months of mc before filing, to which he agreed.

I get it. If my H asks, id also try.

He has been to see a divorce lawyer and so has she. I try not to get too involved because i dont want this to turn in to everything depending on what he does.

I know he can back down, it's not the point as far as im.concerned. its more making up my own mind, even if it means ending up without both my H and my AP.

[Sub]

. its more making up my own mind, even if it means ending up without both my H and my AP.

 

I was going to say: you're giving up/risking a lot for what amounts to a 4-month relationship that never got physical. If you're leaving for yourself, it would make more sense. You're saying the right thing above, but I don't know if you actually feel that way. As someone else implied, you barely know this guy in the grand scheme of things.

[lemondrop21]

Just curious, was there a chance that you were looking for a way out of the marriage before the A? Or longing for something that had never been fulfilled within the marriage?

 

I'm curious, because you say you put your full effort into working on your marriage after ending the A and going NC, and that your marriage got stronger and better during this time. Yet, during this time you were not "internally NC" as people are saying; you thought of AP constantly. Was some small part of you that was disappointed that your marriage got better? In the sense that it made things even more confusing?

 

I don't want to put words into your mouth at all, this could be totally off. But I am just curious about the thought process when someone puts effort into their marriage and it improves, and yet they still are considering leaving.

[imsosad]

I know it is most likely affair fog.

The fact that it is not physical probably just prolongs affair fog.

I really am trying to think clearly. Easier said than done.

I am fully aware that me ending up without either man is a likely outcome.

I also know the stats for R that start out as A.

[imsosad]

You are not off at all.

I tried very hard to work on my M. Paid a lot of attention to my H, set up frequent date nughts, went on several holidays.

We got closer and happier together.

At the same time, my ap was always there.

You bet it made things confusing! I kept asking myself, if my M is so much better now, why am i still missing him?

Furthermore, i kind if felt-so, this is as good as it gets. It is very good, but i guess i need something else. Not better,just different.

[lemondrop21]

You are not off at all.

I tried very hard to work on my M. Paid a lot of attention to my H, set up frequent date nughts, went on several holidays.

We got closer and happier together.

At the same time, my ap was always there.

You bet it made things confusing! I kept asking myself, if my M is so much better now, why am i still missing him?

Furthermore, i kind if felt-so, this is as good as it gets. It is very good, but i guess i need something else. Not better,just different.

That is really tough. I don't have any answers since I haven't been in your situation or anything like it (I'm not married). I guess it seems to me like you'll have to work on identifying what exactly is that "different" thing that you feel you might need in a marriage. If it's just that brain chemical rush, then that will wear off, as you know. If it's some sort of deeper compatibility that you've never had with your husband.. then it becomes trickier I suppose.

 

There's a book called "When Good People Have Affairs" that goes through the process of making this decision. I found it informative in some ways, being a single OW, but it's actually geared towards people in your situation who are torn between their marriage and AP. Just throwing it out there. Not sure if it would be any more helpful than your real-life therapist though.

 

I also just wanted to say that I really feel for you. Reading your posts, it's clear to me that you do care deeply about everyone involved. I understand not feeling in control of emotions at times. If someone says they have always been in control of their emotions, then I'm not sure that they've ever had the experience of falling head over heels into infatuation (and perhaps they are lucky in that regard). Do hang in there, and I encourage you to keep posting despite the tough love and occasional backlash that you will get.

[imsosad]

Thank you for your lovely post.

I have heard about the book, seems spot on relevant.

[MuddyFootprints]

Do some reading about limerence and investigate that in depth with your therapist.

 

Talk to a lawyer. A consultation may bring reality more into focus for you.

[Red123]

How did dday chance your experience of nc?

I think the answer to this varies but a Dday dramatically changes things in most Affairs. When Dday hit for us my H changed very quickly. He had already "broken things off" with the MOW he was involved with but they were still chatting over IM at work. Once he came fully clean to me it was like a switch went off. He wrote her a NC letter and every attempt she made at contact he showed me. In the end the contact from her stopped when he threatened to tell her H. I actually didn't have a hand in him doing that other than saying you can't communicate with her and have me, at that time we hadn't fully decided to reconcile yet. Things are very different when the light is shone on them. His A was a shorter one like yours and not overly physical, it was more ego boosts and validation. You both run the risk that once your spouses find out, and they probably will, of this love you both claim not being what it seems. It's easy to be in love when you don't have all the stresses of daily life to come in between and of course the sneaking around makes it more intense too. If you both really want a life together out of the shadows tell your spouses and see what happens.

[Grey Cloud]

Imsosad - I have thought about you often and wondered how you were going. I don't have any advice but I am thinking of you! I think about my xAP a lot and we are in LC but deep down I know we would be incompatible long term and a large part of me is still romanticising the whole thing.

 

I worry that if you left your H you might realise what you have with the AP is not the same. Is there a part of you that always left the option open with your AP? In my case it's never going to be a future option as I know he will never leave his w. Do you think because your AP is going to leave his wife it has changed things for you?

 

I ask these questions as all of us who have been caught up in affairs can't help but imagine/wonder/fantasise what it would be like to be with the AP in a REAL relationship. But only a small percentage actually work out. And it doesn't sound like your marriage is that bad. Being in limbo can be quite paralysing! I hope you reach some peace soon with working out what to do.

 

Please keep us updated. Hugs x

[imsosad]

How have you been doing?

My M is not bad at all, but I dont know if that's enough to make it last.

I know that the chances of a real R with my AP working out are slim.

I dont know if it's fair to stay married when I am so in love with someone else. Maybe the best way is a trial seperation from my H, and NC with my AP.

Sad truth is,that while hurting my spouse kills me, I think I will have a harder time dealing with the absence of my AP.

I know it isnt fair to compare,but im trying to be honest with myself.

I find myself wishing i could hold on to both, but i think the reality is,i need to let go of both.

[NTV]

So have you told your husband?

[lemondrop21]

I am taking in to account the possibilty of my ap reconciling with his W.

He left back in November. She asked for six months of mc before filing, to which he agreed.

I get it. If my H asks, id also try.

He has been to see a divorce lawyer and so has she. I try not to get too involved because i dont want this to turn in to everything depending on what he does.

I know he can back down, it's not the point as far as im.concerned. its more making up my own mind, even if it means ending up without both my H and my AP.

So the six months of MC is just about up - has AP said he's definitely filing on XX date? Sorry if I missed this somewhere else.

 

This is not going to be a popular opinion, but I actually disagree with the idea that you should automatically leave regardless of what AP does, as "it's only fair to your H." You have made a huge mistake in having the A, to be sure... but if AP ends up staying married and you end what you describe as a pretty good marriage, then you'll have to live with the guilt of putting your kids through a divorce for "nothing." Sure you can talk about meeting someone new down the road who meets this unfulfilled need in your marriage (romance/passion, I assume), but really, truly, falling in love is rare. Really rare.

 

So if AP doesn't leave his marriage, you have to assume that you are leaving essentially so that you can live authentically. That is a very noble goal, but it has to trump the guilt you'll feel over the kids, the sadness you'll feel over your own failed marriage, etc. Only you can decide which scenario is worth more to you.

 

Also, you don't actually know that your H would want you to "set him free," if he knew about the A. Plenty of people are okay with having being so-called "second choice" as long as they wind up with the person they desire to be with. It's uncomfortable to admit, but true.

Edited May 17, 2016 by lemondrop21