just separated and cant cope

[cantlive]

hi, I have been with my bf for 16 years, we have had 4 children together and we have just split up, this close to Christmas. my eldest daughter who is 15 knows a little about this although I don't know how / when to tell my other children. we both still love each other, but we are not in love. we have had our ups and down for the whole 16 years, neither of us will cheat. he works away and is away now, but a petit argument last week has led to this split. I cant phone him as my phone is broke, so I sent a 4 page email in which I had an email back. we both agreed that it was best to end our relationship but that we love each other. I cant stop crying and I am trying to hide this from my children. what should I do? please help x

[mg4514]

My $.02 here. I respect everything you are saying and expressing, with that in mind, I would see this situation for what it is.

 

1) break ups/divorces with children happen everyday. I know it sounds cynical and cold, but it's a fact. Don't beat yourself up by thinking your doing something g that has never been done before.

 

2) with respect to the children...an open, honest discussion. Period. Assure them that everything is going to be okay, and that both of you will continue parenting together...just in separate households.

 

3) recognize, and share with the kids, that things will likely be better in the long run. If you and your b/f aren't happy, how could you possibly bring those kids up in a happy, healthy household?

 

I hope this helps, and I know it's very, very hard right now...but I've been down this road. Thirteen years later, it was the best decision ever for me, my son, and our healthy household.

[cupcakebunny]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

 

Firstly, if the relationship is making you both that unhappy and you agree that separation will be best then it likely is. If your gut is "I can't stay. This is hurting me." Then it's probably right and it's good that you made that first step - it's always the hardest.

 

 

Secondly, I agree with the other commenter - you should be honest with your children over what is happening. Keep it open to questions. Though I do know you will want to hide your pain. If this is an amicable split - as it seems to be - maybe talking to your bf about what to say so the message is still unified in your children's best interest.

 

 

Thirdly, you will grieve. You were a family and that family is gone. It is very hard. And it's totally normal to still love your ex and still wish it could have worked out but realize that realistically it wasn't going to. More often than not, it seems to be the case and that's what hurts the most. You will get through it and in the end it will be better for you. Right now and the months ahead will be the worst part. But it'll get better. If you feel that you can't cope -- counseling may help. I found it does. It gives you a safe space to vent, cry, and have someone help you work through your grief.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and my sympathies. You have a lot on your plate.

 

First things first....since your partner is away a lot and that will likely continue, start today to plan for a realistic change for yourself and the kids to accommodate the split. Your lifestyle will change. Yeah, Christmas is next week but it's still OK to get a plan together to implement after Christmas to address this.

 

I'll offer one tip I learned from my divorce. Take each day as one day. Focus on the day. Work for a positive for that day. It could be accomplishing one important task. It could be a loving shared moment with one of your children. Lunch with a friend. Etc, etc. Yeah, tomorrow comes. It'll get here soon enough and on its own. It doesn't need dwelling on to get here. Once a plan is put together, implement it, day by day.

 

Balance facing this change with spending valued time with family and friends. Up to you how much you want to share. Those close to you will likely pick up on something changing. Deal with that as it arises.

 

It'll work out. I'm about five years out now and can hardly remember any specifics of my D at all. It's like it happened in another life. For myself the key was working the plan and finishing the business and accepting the end. With children, your path will be more complex since you'll be co-parenting. Still, it'll work out.

[Kymmi]

Sorry your going through this. I am going through something similar. Been together 17 years, married for 4 mths, and have 4 children. My cause for divorce is due to infidelity on his part. Like you, I am trying to figure out how to go from here. So far, I just take one minute at a time. I am going from a breakdown to having a few laughs with my co-workers. The worst part is night time for me. Like right now. I sit in bed, thinking and dwelling on the past. Thinking of all the "what ifs". What if i was a good enough wife/partner. What if i gave him everything he needed so he wouldn't have wondered. Please don't do what i am doing. Dont beat yourself up. It only prolongs the healing. It's going to take a long time to over come this. 16 years is a long time, and even more difficult when there are children involved. But we have to do what is best for us. Maybe you guys will get along better when apart? I wish you all the best!