Helloworl Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I have no idea what to do. I love my girlfriend. We've been dating three years and they have been the most wonderful years of my life. I am thinking about proposing to her. But twisted as it sounds, I am starting to feel the urge to cheat on her. I've been dating her for three years but we haven't had sex. Things are getting worse now, in that she wouldn't even let me kiss her...I thought moving in would have increased our intimacy but it has actually decreased a lot more. I mean, even if I try to make a move or caress her, she moves me away. I tried to talk about this with her but she starts crying. I know she's been treated poorly in the past, and I am respectful of her and want to give her time to come out of her shell, but at the same time, three years of not having sex really has me frustrated. I mean, I go to the gym and start flirting with woman. I see someone on the subway and I check them out and it makes me feel sick and dirty. I am incredibly lucky to be dating my girlfriend. I connect with her emotionally unlike anyone else on earth. But I can't get this thought of cheating g out of my head. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Redfisher Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I have no idea what to do. I love my girlfriend. We've been dating three years and they have been the most wonderful years of my life. I am thinking about proposing to her. But twisted as it sounds, I am starting to feel the urge to cheat on her. I've been dating her for three years but we haven't had sex. Things are getting worse now, in that she wouldn't even let me kiss her...I thought moving in would have increased our intimacy but it has actually decreased a lot more. I mean, even if I try to make a move or caress her, she moves me away. I tried to talk about this with her but she starts crying. I know she's been treated poorly in the past, and I am respectful of her and want to give her time to come out of her shell, but at the same time, three years of not having sex really has me frustrated. I mean, I go to the gym and start flirting with woman. I see someone on the subway and I check them out and it makes me feel sick and dirty. I am incredibly lucky to be dating my girlfriend. I connect with her emotionally unlike anyone else on earth. But I can't get this thought of cheating g out of my head. What should I do? This can't be true?!?!? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helloworl Posted December 17, 2015 Author Share Posted December 17, 2015 Unfortunately it is...I have absolutely no idea what to do...because of the subject matter, I can't even talk about it to anyone in real life. I have no idea what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Dude it's no wonder she has pushed you away....because you are pressuring her. Why are you waiting 3 years? are you waiting till you get married?? Is that her plan??? Obviously she is a virgin and wants her first time with you to be special. She is not understanding that sex is of course an act of love but it's also a need.....she doesn't understand the need part. She feels if you have more intimacy, you will lose control and force yourself on her....she's freaked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helloworl Posted December 17, 2015 Author Share Posted December 17, 2015 How am I putting pressure on her though? Yes she is a Virgin, and yes, I want to make the first time special for her, but I don't think it's ever going to happen. No we're not waiting for marriage. I would never force myself on her (we've been together for this long without sex after all), and she knows that. I want to give her time till she feels comfortable but I just can't stop thinking about sex lately. I did tell her that I am unhappy with our sex life, that I am not necessarily suggesting we havecsex, that I am fine with just making out but she started crying and the conversation ended. I think you are right, I guess,. I didn't want to make her feel pressurized. I just wanted to start a conversation...I haven't told her I'm thinking of cheating though. The problem isn't her, it's me. I don't know how to handle this urge to cheat on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Redfisher Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I have to ask why no sex after 3 years if you are not saving it for marriage? Is she at least giving you angry hand jobs? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Don't stop having this conversation, even if she cries. Tell her if she wants this relationship to survive she needs to step up and work through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 How old are you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I can understand if she was saving herself for marriage, but she's so afraid of even a kiss, then I'm afraid that things will not get any better if you guys do tie the knot. You need to communicate your need to her. I'm not saying force her to have sex, but maybe ease her into the idea of intimacy slowly through touching and kissing. She has to be responsive in willing to try, or at least try to a point wherein at least she will be able to sleep with you on your wedding night. Also if you're already thinking of cheating, you're gonna end up becoming someone you never wanted to be. I sincerely suggest you work on your communications with her and if at some point, if things communication breaks down, then that is when you should decide whether to break up or not. I wish you the best and I hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I don't think your gf likes sex and doesn't even feel inclined to have it. If I were you, I'd be very careful about marrying someone like this because you will end up cheating on her, and resenting her. Btw, if she plans to stay a virgin until marriage, why in blazes did the two of you move in together?? That makes no sense at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Its not a problem if she dont want to have sex because she choose to wait till marriage. Because thats her right to choose. But why she dont want ? Did she tell you from the start that she is not into sex till marriage or so? You dont need to try to talk her into it or force her. But keep the conversation open. And that she crys could be something real serious or she may feel that you are pressuring her, so you both need to be open about the real feelings and issues you have. Ask he why she cry, why she not want sex? And what you are feeling. And ask each other the hard questions to! It may end in a break up. But its better then both trying to force each other in each others direction and also to end because of cheating. And see from there if you want to stay together or no or if its a good idea. Because if she wants to wait till marriage and try to protect herself from not get into sex, but you are all horny all the time and that's not your choice anymore or atoll you both are standing in each others way. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 You can't reasonably be expected to be okay with zero intimacy. That's a friendship. If you can't even kiss her anymore, there is a big problem. Let her cry. You two need to communicate about what is really going on here. If you don't get to the bottom of it, your relationship probably won't survive because it probably wouldn't change even if you did get married. She really needs to talk to you honestly and openly if she expects you to be a successful couple. Ask her where this level of discomfort is coming from. If she refuses to open up, I would very strongly advise against proposing. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I have no idea what to do. I love my girlfriend. We've been dating three years and they have been the most wonderful years of my life. I am thinking about proposing to her. But twisted as it sounds, I am starting to feel the urge to cheat on her. I've been dating her for three years but we haven't had sex. Things are getting worse now, in that she wouldn't even let me kiss her...I thought moving in would have increased our intimacy but it has actually decreased a lot more. I mean, even if I try to make a move or caress her, she moves me away. I tried to talk about this with her but she starts crying. I know she's been treated poorly in the past, and I am respectful of her and want to give her time to come out of her shell, but at the same time, three years of not having sex really has me frustrated. I mean, I go to the gym and start flirting with woman. I see someone on the subway and I check them out and it makes me feel sick and dirty. I am incredibly lucky to be dating my girlfriend. I connect with her emotionally unlike anyone else on earth. But I can't get this thought of cheating g out of my head. What should I do? Ok, Given what you have written please please please do the right thing and break it off with her before you consider cheating on her. While I fully understand the intimacy issue you have, if you cheat on her and she finds out, it is something you cannot undo. Also if she has issues with intimacy as it is, cheating on her could also be a contributing factor for her to have continued issues down the road in the future. By then she may be a distant memory to you, but she may hold you largely responsible for continued issues. Not saying that will happen for sure, but the possibility exists. So I implore you to just do the right thing and break up with her beforehand. she may thank you for it someday, and you will keep your integrity Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I am incredibly lucky to be dating my girlfriend. It sounds like you're friends, not boyfriend/girlfriend. No kissing or touching or sex after 3 years together? Dude... eject. Please do the right thing and split up with her rather than cheating on her. She hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong", and doesn't deserve to be hurt or betrayed, but clearly your needs are not being met by this relationship. You have a need for physical intimacy which she cannot provide. So whilst it may hurt her to be dumped (especially if you pull the "can we be friends" line), it's necessary for your own happiness. You will never be happy in this relationship, especially if she can't even discuss it with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Please do the right thing and split up with her rather than cheating on her. She hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong", and doesn't deserve to be hurt or betrayed, agreed with that Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Without intimacy this isn't really a relationship, more like a friendship. Compromise is needed, she needs to give a little. Do you have oral/hand play at all? Does she need to see a therapist? Crying every time your partner brings up sex is a bit of a warning sign.' I would suggest counselling or possibly moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
mssweet Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Just wondering - does she have a history of sexual abuse/rape? You may not know about it? Because her fear or intimacy and crying is a big red flag to me and signals deeper issues you may not be aware of, and that she is hiding/blocking emotions from resurfacing. Otherwise, I think you need to have an honest talk with her and see where it goes. But do not cheat on her. I can understand why your frustrated, but end things before you hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
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