broken friendship?

[Emily]

Please, if you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it...

 

I'm a junior in college and I've never had a boyfriend or even guy friends that I was really close to, which is why my friendship with Josh was really special. We became really close friends at the end of last year - we would hang out all the time, talking, studying, playing video games. He even called me every night, right before he went to bed, just to say goodnight or chat for a while. What we had was really special.

 

Early this year, our friends started teasing us relentlessly about being a couple, but they really wanted us to develop a relationship. Everytime we were together or we mentioned the other person's name, the teasing would start. Even our bosses would get in on it. And I know it's silly to get upset over something as small as this, but Josh and I are both people-pleasers, meaning that we like to do things to make other people happy. We'd be miserable if it meant that our friends were happy.

 

Well, a couple months ago, he started acting a little different. He asked me to dinner, and we saw a couple of movies. I got scared because I wasn't sure about my feelings, so I became a bit withdrawn and tried not to encourage anything. I started thinking about us more and more, and I realized that being with him made me happy and that I'd be a fool to let him go.

 

So I asked him if we could talk a couple weeks later, and we did. And to try to make a long story short, he told me that he had feelings for me, but that he wasn't sure if those feelings stemmed from him wanting to make all our friends happy (by seeing us together) or if they came from his heart. So we decided to wait, to keep that option open, but we said that we wouldn't let this ruin our friendship, and I didn't think it would.

 

But, whatever spark we had in our friendship is gone, and I don't know how to get it back. We rarely ever talk anymore, and even after a month and a half, it still hurts whenever I'm around him or think of him. I've come to the conclusion, though, that we should never get involved, because I'm afraid that I would question his feelings, and that wouldn't be fair to him or to me. But I still don't know what to do. I feel like a wreck. Should I just let this go? Or should I try to save this frienship even though it hurts me so much to even think of him? Please help if you have any advice or insights.

 

Sorry this was so long.

[Tony T]

People pleasing is one thing but your guy is sick. If he's willing to make you miserable and deny himself a great lady because he wants to make your teasing friends happy...it just doesn't make sense. Your friends want the two of you together.

 

Well, first there is a lot of pathology in people pleasing. It's really nice to want other people to be happy but people pleasers, those who go way out of their way to try to please others at their own cost, have very deep psychological issues. These self esteem issues go way back to childhood when it was necessary to keep the peace at all cost. It requires intense counselling to get over.

 

So you really don't need a guy who's screwed up like this until he's sought help and you need to seek help for yourself so you establish healthy boundaries and you understand when and how to do things for others and when and how to watch out for yourself. This people pleasing stuff can get you into a lot of trouble.

 

Actually, I'm really not sure from your post exaclty why he backed off. It seems the two of you being together would have really pleased your friends. Maybe he couldn't take the teasing. Who knows? But please YOURSELF this time. Take this time out to start developing your own individuality, learn who you are, that you don't exist on this planet to please everybody else...and, furthermore, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER to please others. Others must please themselves.

 

Yep, that's the damndest part of the whole people pleasing thing. Everybody is in charge of his own happiness and there's really nothing you can do to please others. That's their thing to do.

 

Now, if you actually think you're such hot stuff that your life can have such an incredible affect on others, then maybe you do have a real high self esteem. But I don't think that's the case. Whatever it is, this people pleasing stuff is definitely NOT a good thing. There are lots of good books written about it in the bookstores and it is seriously pathological. One of the greats was written some years ago but may still be in print or in a library. It was called "Why Do I Say Yes When I Want To Say No."

 

People are not attracted to those who sacrifice their own happiness and wellbeing for others. They actually think they're some kind of whacko!!! It is a highly codependent trait, usually has its origin in very dysfunctional families. The topic is very often addressed in books on dysfunctional familiies, alcoholic families, and codependency.

 

So, you got a favor here. Not only were you able to get rid of a guy who obviously needs lots of help, but you were able to see first hand how destructive this whole people pleasing thing can be. You are on your way to recovery and you have a long way to go. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. This all happened for a VERY GOOD REASON and you are on your way to being a much better person for it. People will love the new you so much better when they see you really love yourself enough NOT to make so many sacrifices.

 

And think of all the new energy you will have not running around worrying about pleasing others.

 

In a few years, you will look back and see just how foolish it was to go through life trying to please others and sacrificing your own feelings and needs in the process. And, in the longrun, people could care less what you do for them. The more you try to please them the more they want you to do for them...and they seldom appreciate what is done for them consistently for no reason at all.

 

I guess everybody's whacko in one way or another. But get over the people pleasing stuff ASAP. Oh, yes, be nice to people, be kind, be courteous but don't overdo it. You're not in charge of the world and you're not in charge of making everybody feel good at your expense.

 

And when you do get over this syndrome, you'll see just how sick your ex is when you observe him from a whole new perspective.

 

A competent counsellor can help you a great deal to get yourself on a new path...and you will feel a lot better about yourself for gaining a new strength to look out for yourself FIRST!!! If you don't, I promise you nobody else will.

[Dragonflys]

Hi Emily

 

It sounds to me like he has realised that he has feelings for you which is why he changed. See when people are just friends and there is no thought of sexual attraction, it is a lot easier to maintain a close friendship than when this attraction gets in the way. Sexual attraction is so powerful and can mess with the mind, especially if this is the first time that deeper feelings have been explored (I noted you are juniors in college so I'm guessing you guys may be fairly naive to this).

 

Once there is sexual attraction, there is much more pressure to get closer, and that is scary if he is unsure how you feel. I don't think the people pleasing aspect has had much to do with this except to make him realise that he has a real catch in you, hence the change in thoughts.

 

I think you should try and save the friendship, and think carefully about the reasons why you may not be interested in a relationship. From what you said, you don't want to get involved because you don't want to compromise his feelings. But how do YOU feel?. Do you want a relatiosnhip with him?. If YOU feel more for him, let him know that and see how he feels. Closeness like this is so special and you should embrace it in my opinion.

 

But take the people pleasing out of both of your decisions, because I think you guys are blowing that out of proportion.

[holdable]

Please, if you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it... I'm a junior in college and I've never had a boyfriend or even guy friends that I was really close to, which is why my friendship with Josh was really special. We became really close friends at the end of last year - we would hang out all the time, talking, studying, playing video games. He even called me every night, right before he went to bed, just to say goodnight or chat for a while. What we had was really special. Early this year, our friends started teasing us relentlessly about being a couple, but they really wanted us to develop a relationship. Everytime we were together or we mentioned the other person's name, the teasing would start. Even our bosses would get in on it. And I know it's silly to get upset over something as small as this, but Josh and I are both people-pleasers, meaning that we like to do things to make other people happy. We'd be miserable if it meant that our friends were happy. Well, a couple months ago, he started acting a little different. He asked me to dinner, and we saw a couple of movies. I got scared because I wasn't sure about my feelings, so I became a bit withdrawn and tried not to encourage anything. I started thinking about us more and more, and I realized that being with him made me happy and that I'd be a fool to let him go. So I asked him if we could talk a couple weeks later, and we did. And to try to make a long story short, he told me that he had feelings for me, but that he wasn't sure if those feelings stemmed from him wanting to make all our friends happy (by seeing us together) or if they came from his heart. So we decided to wait, to keep that option open, but we said that we wouldn't let this ruin our friendship, and I didn't think it would. But, whatever spark we had in our friendship is gone, and I don't know how to get it back. We rarely ever talk anymore, and even after a month and a half, it still hurts whenever I'm around him or think of him. I've come to the conclusion, though, that we should never get involved, because I'm afraid that I would question his feelings, and that wouldn't be fair to him or to me. But I still don't know what to do. I feel like a wreck. Should I just let this go? Or should I try to save this frienship even though it hurts me so much to even think of him? Please help if you have any advice or insights. Sorry this was so long.

 

well this is what i have to say . you should ask you self if you want to be a friend or a boyfriend . after you ask yourself that ask him that . and then go from there if you want to just be friends be friends . im pritty sure you friend would feel bad to tear you two apart

 

your friend

 

<e-mail address removed>