Should I tell my ex I was wrong to break up if she is dating someone else? Or wait?

[N9Q]

It's hard to say who broke up with who. Initially, I broke it off b/c I had had enough of her mood swings and unwarranted jealousy/negativity in many situations. She reached out 1.5 weeks later and told me how she had realized she was immature, wanted to change, wanted to be with me, and was going to start seeing a therapist and do whatever it takes. I wanted to give it a chance, but I was wary of the likelihood that she could really change that fast. We resumed hooking up and hanging out, but I kept more distance than before and did not do the best job of showing support for her in her efforts. I just still felt spent from all our past fighting, and didn't have much energy left to give her. (In retrospect, I really wish I had tried more, so that I would know for sure whether it could have worked). After 3 weeks--and once she started to feel that I wasn't really giving it a chance, and wasn't supporting her--she broke it off.

 

It was friendly/seemingly mutual, but in the following two weeks, I began to miss her badly, and to re-evaulate the way I had handled things. I wanted to give it another go, a REAL go, and show her the support that she craved in making the changes she hoped to make. Unfortunately, by the time I reached out (2 weeks after she broke it off), she was already sleeping with someone else. She didn't tell me this, I just knew from other sources. I didn't acknowledge this, I just asked her to meet me one night and I opened up to her about how terrible I felt. While crying etc., I prob came off way weaker than I should have from a "maintaining attraction" standpoint. She seemed skeptical of my feelings at first, but then became compassionate--holding my hand etc--but remained pretty composed and set on not giving me a "redo" as I stupidly/weakly requested. She sorta laughed in disbelief and said, "You don't want to be with me. You wouldn't have treated the situation that way if you did." A little later we had those very long, intense hugs, and some flirting/touching where she told me, as she often did, how "ridiculous" our sexual energy is and how she worried she might never feel that intensity again. She did stop me from kissing her at one point tho, when it became obvious that was about to happen. In the following days, we casually texted some, and I pushed for another, more casual hangout. She went back and forth seeming like she maybe wanted to, until one night she gave an excuse that I could tell was her nice way of turning it down. I took the hint and dropped contact. Unfortunately, so did she. It's now been a month of no contact at all.

 

I believe she's still seeing this new guy, but I have no way of knowing how serious they are. It does worry me that she invited him to her "Friendsgiving" and I get the feeling they hang out a lot (but it's kind of a guess). It would def help to know whether he's just a rebound for her--and she's just embracing her anxious-attachment tendencies--or whether she actually has real feelings for him over me.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. I miss her and would like to give things another, real chance, but I don't know how to approach that. On the one hand, since it seems she's moved on, maybe I just have to give it up for now. On the other hand, since she moved on BECAUSE I wasn't showing her that I cared for her and seemed to "not want to be with her" (as she pointed out), maybe laying off is the opposite of what I should do! Some friends say I should make a stronger/manlier declaration of my feelings, some say I should try to be friends and see where it goes, some say I'm dumb for even wanting her back and that I should remain NC until I move on. None of these seem ideal, so I turn to you, oh wise Internet...any wisdom is much appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

You broke up with her for valid reasons. Those behaviors have not changed so getting back together with her puts you right back where you started.

 

 

No you cannot be friends with her when you claim to still want to date her. At the very least put yourself in the new guy's shoes. You think he wants you around her in any capacity?

 

 

You actually don't want her back. You are just lonely & it's easy to go back to the familiar.

 

 

Looking backwards in life is the wrong direction. Onward & upward.