Should I cut this girl from my life?

[tbro123]

So I met this girl in college a couple years ago and we instantly hit it off. I had a girlfriend at the time who I was still crazy about who used to be jealous of this girl, but while I was with her I never looked at this girl that way. We'd hang out in school all the time, had our own inside jokes, and always seemed to vibe on each other really well.

After about a year of this, my girlfriend and I broke up, and I found myself really falling for this girl fast, as if I had feelings deep inside that I didn't even realize I had. She recently broke up with her boyfriend too and we started hanging out more. Now I didn't want to just move in right away since we both just had breakups and nobody wants to be the rebound guy/girl, but I did make my feelings obvious and she seemed to show those exact same emotions. We always seemed to have each others back and would flirt almost to the point of everyone else in the room groaning. (I'm not proud of that, but hey whatever makes me feel good I'm gonna do.)

She would often stay at my place with a few of my friends after nights out, and she'd stick around in the morning to hang out consistently. Honestly we just enjoyed spending time together and I wasn't ready to complicate things since she was still kind of on and off with her ex at the time. She would still show some signs of jealousy if I talked about or hooked up with other girls, and would always judge my exes pretty hard as if she wanted to be better than them, and honestly I just dug the attention so I was cool with that even if she was confused with what she wanted herself. She'd always do this thing where she'd kiss me on the cheek whenever I was leaving and I noticed that she did that for nobody else so that made me feel pretty good. She moved away for a while, but that wasn't a really big deal since I still had my own life and did my own thing, but she would talk to me every now and then and things were cool. She got back with her boyfriend during that time which wasn't great, but I had my own things going on so it wasn't a particularly big deal for me.

Eventually she came back a few months ago, once again breaking up with her boyfriend, and this time I was more determined to bring things to the next level, but the next time I saw her she was more awkward and shy than before. She still showed signs of affection and would say how great I was and stuff, but it didn't feel the same as before. I left college and started working so the time we spent together got way less frequent. We haven't seen each other in months since she keeps claiming she is busy (which to be fair she is, but let's get real if a girl wants to see somebody, they will) and that she'll get onto me when she can, and never did. Before I left for home for the holidays, I caved like a fool and I sent her a message saying that we should meet up when I get back and happy holidays, and I got a lackluster response with a little bit of snark in it, as if she's on the high horse that I like her and she can just say what she wants. I didn't appreciate that and I told her to get off it and that I can't rely on her anymore and she just didn't respond.

I've been doing my own thing during these time and things have been great for me, but this girl has always been in the back of my mind and I think I might be in love with her. I'm not sure what exactly is going on in her life right now, but I don't want to completely abandon her, even though I feel like she did to me. She's one of those beautiful girls that is very outgoing and flirtatious, and has always generally be consistently nice to everyone so I have no idea what's going on right now. Should I just ditch her and see what happens? Cause honestly I care about my own well being way to much to deal with this crap. Any advice on what I should do?

[kitty12345]

You are going to have a hard time getting a serious girlfriend in life. You can take this girl , dump her , whatever but since it's obvious that you like a lot of drama , attention , it will end bad

[oldshirt]

I'm going to give you a little tough love here and give you some facts of life without the sugar coating. I'll give you the talk I will be giving my son some day.

 

 

You're being a pu$$y and a lazy man-boy. (it's ok for me to say that because I am 51 years old and I was the same way in my early 20s, so I know the signs )

 

 

Here are the facts of life. Women want men to take the lead and show them that they have the giblets to be honest with their feelings, courageous enough to take risks and able to formulate a plan and be able to tell them what it is that they want from them.

 

 

That is called stepping up to the plate.

 

 

When a man Velcro's on his balls and tells a woman what he wants from her and shares with her his plan for him and her, she can then determine if he is the right man for her or not and if his goals and objectives and visions are in line with her or not.

 

 

If the answer(s) is no, then she will decline and move on to the next suitor and see if he has something better to offer.

 

 

If the answer is yes, she will follow his lead but will be watching for signs of weakness or signs that he is full of talk but no definitive action.

 

 

What you are doing in this situation is you are waiting for her to make the moves and for her lay out her objectives and plans and desires etc on the table so you can decide if she is the one for you are not.

 

 

....in other words, you are acting like a chick. Unless she is a lesbian, she ain't gonna be into another chick. That is why she keeps going back to her BF. He may not be as cool or as good looking or make as much money or have as much potential, but he has balls. He is acting as the stronger man.

 

 

Meanwhile your balls are sitting on the shelf gathering dust waiting for her to show her cards while you play video games and cruise around with your man-child posse.

 

 

She has a shelf life on her pretty and a shelf life on her fertility. Mother Nature has programed her not to waste time on weak, indecisive males with their balls sitting in dormancy.

 

 

So the choice is yours. This is one of those times you have to stick your balls back on and put your mangina away and make an adult decision. Is she the woman that you want to have a home and family with and want to be the mother of your children?

 

 

Or do you want to continue your period of prolonged adolescence and keep playing Grand Theft Auto and keep bar hopping with your other man-child buddies?

 

 

The universe and the cosmos doesn't give a flying flip which option you choose, but as a man you need to make the choice, express your choice and stand by your choice.

 

 

If she's the one and you want to have a life with her and want her share your name, your home and bear your offspring, you set her down, look her in the eye and express your feelings for her and tell her your plan and tell her what role you want her to play in your life and you ask her if she wants to be a part of that plan.

 

 

If she says 'no', you thank her for her honesty, wish her well and then go on about your business leaving her behind.

 

 

If she says, 'yes', then you follow through.

 

 

However if you would rather continue playing video games and running around the countryside with other boys and occasionally pick up drunk chicks in bars, that's fine too (I did it until I was 29) Then you need to be upfront and honest about that too and be frank with her that she does not have a permanent place in your life-plan and let her go on about her business.

 

 

Either of these options is your choice, you are just obligated as a man to make the determination and let her know and then stand by your choice.

 

 

It's what adult men do.

[oldshirt]

 

 

When a man Velcro's on his balls and tells a woman what he wants from her and shares with her his plan for him and her, she can then determine if he is the right man for her or not and if his goals and objectives and visions are in line with her or not.

 

 

If the answer(s) is no, then she will decline and move on to the next suitor and see if he has something better to offer.

 

 

If the answer is yes, she will follow his lead but will be watching for signs of weakness or signs that he is full of talk but no definitive action.

 

 

 

 

An important point I want to make about this is that this principle applies to all interactions, not just ones involving serious relationships or marriage.

 

 

It is just as applicable and important for picking up a drunk chick at a bar for a ONS or an FWB or a legitimate date or a weekend dogsitter for your dog while you go skiing for the weekend.

 

 

People want to know where they stand with you and what your objectives and plans are. They can then make an informed decision on if they are game for that or not.

 

 

That principle applies the same whether it is a ONS, FWB, date or potential marriage.

[Tinche75]

Yeah- what old shirt says!!

[preraph]

Sounds like she might have gotten disgusted with you for letting that little spark just go out without acting. I get you didn't want to do it right after the breakup, and no guarantee it would have worked out either way, but there had to be some time in there before she started dating another guy when it would have been a good time for you to just pivot your head 30 degrees to the right just as she was about to kiss your cheek, don't you think?

 

I agree with Old Shirt. You sound like a nice guy and you had a girlfriend at some point, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But I would just caution you that if you are not able to feel confident and comfortable enough to not just initiate but sustain and continue to live in comfort and act with confidence with this girl, it wouldn't work anyway. She could have jumped your bones, but she wanted someone who was strong enough to take the lead, so all she did was give the little peck, which is a little opening saying I don't mind touching you. And you didn't respond. Now she's mad.

 

On top of that, now you're both moving from students to adulthood. You change a lot during these years. You could be moving away from each other anyway. I'm not sure you can salvage it. There was something there before, so maybe you still can. But I can tell you this: Don't attempt it until you are certain you can follow through and take the wheel and get through all the obstacles a mad woman is going to throw in your way or it will all be for nothing. Now that she's moved on, she may just have some resentment, or she could be like me in a situation I had and, once she met the next guy, asked herself "What did I ever see in him," and have truly moved on. Only one way to find out, Cowboy.