Do I have BPD?

[Mauve]

Before I start I know that in no way at all can any of you diagnose me I'm just looking for honest opinions. Also this might be a bit long.

 

So basically, I saw a post of this guy saying he thinks his girlfriend has borderline personality disorder, and as I read what he said about her I was sitting thinking 'holy **** he's describing me'.

 

So I took a quiz on it (soooo reliable I know) and scored VERY high on it meaning I most likely severely have it. Then I looked up a 'checklist' of what the symptoms are.

 

You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening. - Yes, I worry every day that my boyfriend will leave me, and I randomly cry to him about it and make him feel bad

 

You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident in the morning to feeling low and sad in the afternoon). - Yes, although I see that as normal and kinda just drained and tired from the day.

 

You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you're with. - I can't relate to this one at all

 

You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships. - YES! I seem to look for arguements, pick on every little thing my boyfriend says for attention, cry very easily and get mad at him if he doesn't call me pretty.

You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously). - I binge eat I guess, and I used to take drugs but not in an abusive way (it was more take some when partying with friends and it was never too much)

 

You have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour. - Not recently, when I was in a relationship with my first ever boyfriend he was very verbally abusive insulting my looks and personality so I self harmed and even tried to overdose on pills. But now I have not self harmed in nearly 2 years (no urge to AT ALL), and haven't thought about suicide.

 

You feel empty and lonely a lot of the time. - Yes, I constantly feel like nobody understands me and boohoo I'm all alone kind of attitude.

 

You get very angry, and struggle to control your anger. Yes, I get very easily angry and go kind of 'insane' as you wish as sometimes I scream to get my frustration out, I throw things (never at people, I never act violently towards someone except push them away if I'm not wanting a hug to calm me down, but still it's only light)

When very stressed, sometimes you might:

feel paranoid Yes

have psychotic experiences, such as seeing or hearing things other people don't No

feel numb or 'checked out' and not remember things properly after they've happened. Never numb or checked out, but I have trouble remembering why I've argued with people, or even half way through the argument I forget, yet I will KEEP GOING.

 

I know this isn't much but what bothered me the most is I can slowly feel myself pushing my boyfriend away, he's amazing and lovely but I am very manipulative to him in an attention seeking way. I will take EVERYTHING to heart just to get a reaction out of him and if he doesn't reassure me if he loves me or if I look beautiful after I hint to it, I will fall out with him big time to the point where I try break up with him and remove relationship status and ignore him, but then the moment he's like "fine whatever I'm done". I hit panic and scream bloody murder and beg for him back.

 

I know this makes me seem like a horrible person, and maybe I am. But I'm honestly trying to change but it's so hard. I CAN'T control it, and now I'm beginning to think it's a personality disorder and not just me being me.

 

I have a doctors appointment booked on the 29th to renew my pill and to talk about another medical problem I have, and basically I was wondering, do any of you think it's worth mentioning this to the doctor? I don't want to seem even more attention seeking by trying to self diagnose myself to her/him, but I'm scared that if this keeps going I might lose my amazing boyfriend forever.

[Downtown]

Do I have BPD?

Mauve, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is something every adult on the planet has to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). Moreover, BPD is not believed to be a disease but, instead, is believed to be a set of primitive behavioral traits that all humans have. Generally, these traits are primitive ego defenses that are essential to our survival in early childhood -- and continue to be important occasionally throughout adulthood. It is when an adult relies on them too heavily that they become a problem.

 

At issue, then, is not whether you exhibit BPD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibit those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., whether you are on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met you, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

Please keep in mind that even normal, healthy people will find themselves -- at least temporarily -- at various points on that BPD spectrum (sometimes being on the high end). During early childhood, for example, we all behave like full-blown BPDers 24/7. And many of us start behaving that way again when our hormones surge for a few years during our teens. This is one reason why psychologists generally are very reluctant to diagnose BPD until a person has reached at least age 18 (your current age).

 

Moreover, puberty is not the only cause of temporary flareups. It is common for adults to get a temporary flareup of BPD traits (which can last a year or two) whenever there is another surge of hormones (e.g., PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause). And such a flareup also can be caused by drug abuse (or, quite rarely, by a head injury).

 

I know this makes me seem like a horrible person, and maybe I am.

Even if a psychologist were to determine that you have full-blown BPD, it would not make you a "horrible person." Generally, BPDers are NOT bad people. Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, "emotionally unstable."

 

A person with persistent strong BPD traits never had the opportunity (in early childhood) to acquire a more mature set of emotional skills -- e.g., how to do self soothing, how to regulate emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking, how to stay in the moment instead of escaping into the past and future in daydreams, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident truths. These skills are taught in CBT, a therapy program you participated in for a while following your self harming episode.

 

I have a doctors appointment booked on the 29th to renew my pill and to talk about another medical problem I have, and basically I was wondering, do any of you think it's worth mentioning this to the doctor?

If he is a medical doctor, he likely won't know what to do with that information but could refer you to someone who does. It therefore is important to speak with a psychologist or a psychiatrist to obtain a professional opinion on what you're dealing with. And it is prudent to tell that professional upfront that you suspect you're exhibiting BPD traits. The reason is that therapists usually withhold the name of the disorder from high functioning BPDers because telling them almost certainly means they will terminate therapy immediately, which is not in their best interest.

 

This immediate termination occurs because the vast majority of BPDers -- my guess would be roughly 95% -- lack the self awareness to see that they are primarily responsible for the failed relationships in their wake. Because BPDers have very low self esteem, their subconscious minds protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality.

 

Hence, if you believe you exhibit a strong pattern of most BPD traits, it is important to let the therapist know that you are open to seeing such traits and are concerned about them. In that way, the therapist likely will be more candid with you if he/she ever decides that you have strong and persistent BPD traits. If you really do exhibit such traits, you have an amazing level of self awareness that bodes well on your chances for doing very well in therapy.

 

If you would like to read more about these traits, you will find the list of 9 defining traits (i.e., those appearing in the APA's diagnostic manual) at NIMH List of BPD Symptoms. Based on that list, I provide a list of real-world examples at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar and ring some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you if you have questions. Take care, Mauve.

[JustGettingBy]

People online can not diagnose you. If you scored high (as in likely) on a number of tests, it would be worth your while to see a professional. As you say, these tests aren't super reliable, but a moderate number giving a consensus can give you a ballpark. Seeing a professional is still infinitely better.

[bluefeather]

No, I really don't think you have BPD. I will elaborate if I find the effort/desire.

[carhill]

IMO, if something feels off, it's worth getting checked out by a professional.

 

I'm watching something develop right now with a friend's wife, who's long been medicated for BP2, and evidently she knew something was off, got scared and acted out, then retreated into apparent clinical depression. I listened and suggested they get help from the same team who diagnosed my mom over a decade ago. She died of paraphrenic dementia. When in the disease, especially at the beginning, she shared that she felt something wasn't right but the disease owned her, meaning, largely, she was oblivious to the behaviors. It took a team of experts and a lot of work to get a proper diagnosis and they confirmed it after her death via autopsy.

 

At 18, you're young and, yup, your brain is still forming and is bathed in the chemicals of maturation. That doesn't mean something isn't worth taking a closer look at.

 

Here's a test the team, and our MC when I was married, shared with me to help with such matters....

 

Does this behavioral set inhibit your ability to form and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships? By that I mean family, friends, school, work, as well as any romantic attachments. If yes, they suggest those behavior sets bear scrutiny and, firstly, organic causes should be ruled in or out. Organic could be hormones, could be blood/oxygen flow, could be physical abnormalities of the brain, anything physical.

 

Good luck!

[bluefeather]

Ok, I'll take a little bit of time here. bullet points... (also keep in mind, I am just a random user online and this is just my opinion.)

 

first, listen to Downtown. He really seems to know about this and I learned a lot about my own situation from info he's given here on this site.

 

those quiz questions don't sound like bpd. they sound very general and could be applied to many different personality "issues." not all, but a lot of them.

 

for example: You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.--- Ok that is a major trait of BPD from what I have read. BUT just the simple worry/fear of abandonment is NOT the trait of BPD. The issue that is from BPD is this: The CONSTANT SHIFT OF FEAR OF BEING ABANDONED AND FEAR OF BEING "ENGULFED" (engulfed meaning the opposite of being abandoned.)

 

It is based on flip-flopping from "please never leave me!" to "you're suffocating me; I'm leaving!" and then right back to "please never leave me!"

 

You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you're with. - I can't relate to this one at all

 

Then I wouldn't say you have BPD, because that is a big one from what I have read about and also experienced. Borderline seems to have no true sense of self so they are always feeling "lost" or like they don't know who they really are. It creates a huge sense of fear. There's so much detail on that, but I'm not gonna take the time to go into detail. You can research that because there is plenty of info out there about it that can explain it better than I will.

 

You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously). - I binge eat I guess, and I used to take drugs but not in an abusive way (it was more take some when partying with friends and it was never too much)

 

Ok no. if you are not doing things nearing the freaking MAX of impulse, then I would also say no. I'm talking impulse like "I don't know why but I felt like a bit of a change, so I just quit my job and am gonna try to do something else like join a cult or maybe go back to college (one or the other). Never mind that I can't afford not to work, because I have bills and rent, but I just needed change, ya know?" Taking drugs just makes those decisions 10x more dangerous.

 

feel numb or 'checked out' and not remember things properly after they've happened. Never numb or checked out, but I have trouble remembering why I've argued with people, or even half way through the argument I forget, yet I will KEEP GOING.

 

Forgetting about what you argue about is normal when you're having a stupid argument. That's why you forget, because it was over something not worth remembering. It's nothing to do with forgetting what you were arguing about. That BPD trait is literally forgetting things that happened/re-writing what actually happened - creating false memories...

 

he's amazing and lovely but I am very manipulative to him

 

From what I have read and experienced, BPD can't manipulate for crap against someone else who is actually smart. Unless you're boyfriend's a moron, you don't have it. Imagine a 6 year old trying to get you to do something. He can use all the tricks he knows, but the adult knows even more. It ain't gonna work.

 

I believe there are exceptions to every rule, and like I said, this is all just a random user's opinion, but I say that: no, I don't think you have BPD. Maybe you have some other issue (and who doesn't have'em?), but not that.