Physical Abuse but we still love each other. Is that normal?

[Neeni]

He started hitting me first and with the verbal abuses. Now i do too.

We fight like Arch enemies but we love each other too .

his Mother (who hates us to be together ) came to know about our fights and have asked us to take a break.

Nothing makes sense to me!!

He didnt even wish me on my birthday , his mom says its just another day, and life is bigger than birthdays!!He blocked me , stopped answering my mails, i stopped texting him when i understood that.

The counsellor asks me why i still wanna get back- because i cant forget the good times we shared.

[kitty12345]

He started hitting me first and with the verbal abuses. Now i do too.

We fight like Arch enemies but we love each other too .

his Mother (who hates us to be together ) came to know about our fights and have asked us to take a break.

Nothing makes sense to me!!

He didnt even wish me on my birthday , his mom says its just another day, and life is bigger than birthdays!!He blocked me , stopped answering my mails, i stopped texting him when i understood that.

The counsellor asks me why i still wanna get back- because i cant forget the good times we shared.

 

Thank him for leaving you. He did you a favor that you will realize later. Don't go back or take him back.

[TheArtist]

I think when a relationship gets to this stage it's not really love, it's attachment - kind of a fear of change. You're just used to the routine, that's all. Cherish the good times but move on.

[Haydn]

No..............

 

Not normal.

[OldRover]

He started hitting me first and with the verbal abuses. Now i do too.

We fight like Arch enemies but we love each other too .

his Mother (who hates us to be together ) came to know about our fights and have asked us to take a break.

Nothing makes sense to me!!

He didnt even wish me on my birthday , his mom says its just another day, and life is bigger than birthdays!!He blocked me , stopped answering my mails, i stopped texting him when i understood that.

The counsellor asks me why i still wanna get back- because i cant forget the good times we shared.

 

Neeni,

 

You can go either way. If you really do love each other, both of you need to take some serious steps to establish boundaries on the fighting, and you may want some professional help to do it.

 

No, constant fighting is not normal, and physical is NEVER good (unless it's "love" taps).

 

Some thoughts:

Decide on what you will NEVER EVER do to each other:

Example: Hit with force, say "fu*k you", complain to a friend about your mate (especially one of the opposite sex), go to bed angry, we will never go out to a bar or evening meal without the other, except GirlsNO and GuysNO with some limits. ...... and add your own....

 

Decide on what levels you will fight:

Example: We can argue for awhile, and when either has had enough we call a truce and kiss. We'll finish later with a solution, but don't have to agree. We can accept some jokes about each other, but nasty jokes with friends are off the table. We can have some "space" to ourselves, just to be alone. We can agree to disagree, but not to let it affect our relationship. And, have a "plan" for fighting.... limits, goals and how far you can go.

 

Then Decide on what levels you will fight for each other (to keep you together)

Fun places you go, perhaps a regular

Friends you hang and go out with on a regular basis

Things for you (theater, musicals, bowling, whatever) and things for him (sports, hunting, games, whatever).

And the special things for both of you (uninterrupted): Quality time alone, talk, hug, walk, etc., intimate time, other things you love to do together....

 

Get through the above, you'll do fine....

[Neeni]

Thank you for the insights guys.

I still believe in us especially since he has shown me in various ways that he deeply cares for me though when angry he breaches everything.

As Old Rover put it, its boundaries we need to establish. If he comes for counselling as promised, I sincerely hope we can establish those boundaries and not lose each other. I just cannot see another person in his place and that place being void for over a month now has been really painful.

to go through each day is a lot of work. To distract myself so as to not dwell on this pain-Meditation , exercise, Studies, reconnecting with old friends, networking and planning for a job and reading online keeps me sane .

I hope he feels the same too.

Meanwhile, trying to find the strength to pass each day productively.

[basil67]

Is the counselling you speak of a type of couple's counselling? If so, it's not recommended for issues of domestic violence. And no matter how many boundaries you have, it won't stop him from hitting you if he's mad. If it was that easy for him to stop, he would never have hit you to start with.

 

I'm glad you are in individual counselling. But he needs it too. You both need to get to the root cause of why you think it's OK to hit and abuse each other. What does your counsellor say about the fact that you also hit and abuse him? Be aware that the statistics of him leaving this violence behind is not in his favour.

[Neeni]

hey Basil,

 

Yes i completed the individual session of the couples counselling. Now its his turn to finish his individual session. and there will be combined sessions for us with the counsellor.

There has been instances when he had gotten mad and controlled his anger without hitting me and spoken about it. And tried to manage the situation and we ended up hugging and speaking out about issues.

Thats a positive sign for me to believe that things can be worked out provided both of us control our temper and support each other.

Having a counsellor in our midst while setting the boundaries would bring in a sense of responsibility about the promises made.

When i told the counsellor that i hit back and verbally abuse too, i was pacified and was told that the extent of physical damage caused by a woman is not comparable as compared to what a man can do.More like, a child hitting a parent is not abuse but parent hitting a child inappropriately is abuse. Somehow this advice has pacified the guilt in me a bit and am able to sleep , which i couldnt before meeting the counsellor.

[cupcakebunny]

It's not normal to fight like that. It's not healthy -- emotionally and physically. I'm not sure it's repairable either. It's good that you are both undergoing counseling but I would do it FOR YOU. Love is respect and caring. Fights that lead to physical violence lack both of those -- specifically respect.

 

 

It's understandable that your grieve and even still may love and miss good things about your partner -- perfectly normal actually but I would start reflecting on starting to put this relationship behind you. He's already done the hard part of cutting off all contact. If the counseling is not enough, maybe consider going to domestic abuse groups as well. It may be helpful to hear from other people who have gone through something similar.

 

 

The thing is Neeni, a lot of abusers do this. They snap, get angry, and hit. Then they console. Say they are sorry. Soothe. And are sweet. [i just left a very similar situation] What you are experiencing is unfortunately not uncommon which is why I would not be working to get him back but working on you and being confident about what kind of relationship you deserve(hint: it's not what you have).

[anika99]

hey Basil,

 

Yes i completed the individual session of the couples counselling. Now its his turn to finish his individual session. and there will be combined sessions for us with the counsellor.

There has been instances when he had gotten mad and controlled his anger without hitting me and spoken about it. And tried to manage the situation and we ended up hugging and speaking out about issues.

Thats a positive sign for me to believe that things can be worked out provided both of us control our temper and support each other.

Having a counsellor in our midst while setting the boundaries would bring in a sense of responsibility about the promises made.

When i told the counsellor that i hit back and verbally abuse too, i was pacified and was told that the extent of physical damage caused by a woman is not comparable as compared to what a man can do.More like, a child hitting a parent is not abuse but parent hitting a child inappropriately is abuse. Somehow this advice has pacified the guilt in me a bit and am able to sleep , which i couldnt before meeting the counsellor.

 

I don't think one individual counselling session is what Basil meant when mentioning that your BF needs idvidual counselling. One session sounds like your counsellor is just trying to get to know a bit about each of you before the couples counselling begins, it's not individual counselling.

 

Your BF needs months of individual counselling, maybe longer, because being physically abusive is not a couple problem, it's an individual problem. There are no tricks or skills you can learn to make your BF stop abusing you because it's not even about you. Your BF has personal emotional problems that he needs to delve into and fix and those problems have nothing to do with you and he cannot explore these issues in couples counselling. Really, the couples counsellor you saw should know better than this. But I see a problem with this counsellor anyways. While it's true that usually women cannot cause the same degree of physical harm that a man can cause, women can absolutely abuse men and they do so often. If your counsellor is suggesting that you hitting and name calling your BF is not abusive then she is way out in left field. If you are both hitting and name calling then you are both being abusive.

[turnera]

He started hitting me first and with the verbal abuses. Now i do too.

We fight like Arch enemies but we love each other too .

his Mother (who hates us to be together ) came to know about our fights and have asked us to take a break.

Nothing makes sense to me!!

He didnt even wish me on my birthday , his mom says its just another day, and life is bigger than birthdays!!He blocked me , stopped answering my mails, i stopped texting him when i understood that.

The counsellor asks me why i still wanna get back- because i cant forget the good times we shared.

This is not love.

 

Did you get married thinking 'hey, it's ok if he hits me, so what?'? I don't think so. You married him expecting him to PROTECT you, LOVE you, and NEVER HURT YOU.

 

He lied.

[basil67]

I don't think one individual counselling session is what Basil meant when mentioning that your BF needs idvidual counselling. One session sounds like your counsellor is just trying to get to know a bit about each of you before the couples counselling begins, it's not individual counselling.

 

Your BF needs months of individual counselling, maybe longer, because being physically abusive is not a couple problem, it's an individual problem. There are no tricks or skills you can learn to make your BF stop abusing you because it's not even about you. Your BF has personal emotional problems that he needs to delve into and fix and those problems have nothing to do with you and he cannot explore these issues in couples counselling. Really, the couples counsellor you saw should know better than this. But I see a problem with this counsellor anyways. While it's true that usually women cannot cause the same degree of physical harm that a man can cause, women can absolutely abuse men and they do so often. If your counsellor is suggesting that you hitting and name calling your BF is not abusive then she is way out in left field. If you are both hitting and name calling then you are both being abusive.

 

Thank you Anika.

 

Yes - he needs months of individual counselling. And the counsellor is way out of line suggesting that your abuse of him isn't as bad. Even if you can't physically hurt him with your hands, the damage one can inflict from verbal abuse can be crippling to another.

 

Also, while you may not be able to inflict injury with your hands, you could certainly inflict injury with an object if he doesn't see the hit coming.