love & in love.

[minimariah]

when asked about their spouse, those who were in - love them but no IN love with them - phase, often describe familial type of love. the IN love feeling is either not there or it's present with someone else.

 

my question is - why do we mention familial type of love when asked about the person we are NOT in love with anymore? is it out of some kind of guilt that we need to claim any kind of love - even when that love isn't relevant to the relationship at all? why do we delude ourselves and confuse the familial and friendly love with romantic love?

 

what's the difference between love & in love for you?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Who are these people you speak of?

 

 

Speaking of my experience and using my ex husband as an example, I still love him and care deeply for him. We shared 20 years together, have children together, he was a great provider, good son, amazing father and awesome friend but I was no longer IN love with him. Meaning, I didn't have those romantic feelings for him the way I had in the beginning of our marriage. I saw him more as a very close friend or brother. The thought of having sex with him made me uncomfortable, like it was unnatural.

[minimariah]

Meaning, I didn't have those romantic feelings for him the way I had in the beginning of our marriage.

 

that's exactly what i'm talking about - you don't love your ex husband anymore. instead of saying that just like that -- you're talking about FAMILIAL love, the type of love that's simply not relevant for your relationship with him seeing how he was never just a friend or a brother to you.

 

for some reason, for many - i don't love you - means "i don't feel anything for you anymore" -- so they mention that care & bond you share with someone because you spent 20 years together and have kids... why is that mentioned when folks are asked about feelings for their SPOUSE? it's pretty clear what type of feelings you should have - so why even mention care & general kindness that you're expected to feel anyway?

 

i guess i'm wondering why do we dodge the truth of simply saying - i don't love you anymore - and mention the familial love that's exepcted to be there after many years and many bond as LOVE instead? it's like we gotta justify and soften the blow somehow.

Edited December 17, 2015 by minimariah

[Michelle ma Belle]

that's exactly what i'm talking about - you don't love your ex husband anymore. instead of saying that just like that -- you're talking about FAMILIAL love, the type of love that's simply not relevant for your relationship with him seeing how he was never just a friend or a brother to you.

 

for some reason, for many - i don't love you - means "i don't feel anything for you anymore" -- care & bond you share with someone because you spent 20 years together and have kids... why is that mentioned when folks are asked about feelings for their SPOUSE? it's pretty clear what type of feelings you should have - so why even mention care & general kindness that you're expected to feel anyway?

 

But I'm divorced. I need to clarify things because unlike most divorced couples, we don't hate each other. We still love and care for one another but people get so freaked out when we use the word "love" to express our feelings for each other that we feel a need to clarify that it's familial love not romantic love.

 

I would never say that if I was still married to him. Why stay married to anyone if you're not still romantically in love with them?

 

Who are you talking to that is still married and telling you that they aren't IN love with their spouse?

[minimariah]

We still love and care for one another but people get so freaked out when we use the word "love" to express our feelings for each other that we feel a need to clarify that it's familial love not romantic love.

 

i'm interested in the need to express your LOVE for your ex husband AT ALL. why call basic care & liking that naturally came as a direct result of 20 years together and children more than anything else... as LOVE?

 

ESPECIALLY if you're divorced.

 

Who are you talking to that is still married and telling you that they aren't IN love with their spouse?

 

the topic is about the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" phenomenon, no one in particular - and it doesn't really matter if you're still married or divorced, single or dating.

 

it's really about the fear of uttering the - i don't love him or her anymore - that's where the "familial" love comes in. a love that's not particularly relevant, especially seeing how many separated or divorced couples do not spend much time together and aren't besties.

 

why can't people say - i don't love him or her - and leave it that? where is the need to add the "but i care for him!!!!" bit coming from?

[loverage21]

But I'm divorced. I need to clarify things because unlike most divorced couples, we don't hate each other. We still love and care for one another but people get so freaked out when we use the word "love" to express our feelings for each other that we feel a need to clarify that it's familial love not romantic love.

 

I would never say that if I was still married to him. Why stay married to anyone if you're not still romantically in love with them?

 

Who are you talking to that is still married and telling you that they aren't IN love with their spouse?

 

This guy you were with for 20 years, you met him as a teenager correct?

 

And this guy who started this thread had the same questions I have been thinking of.

 

There is a difference of love and being IN love.

 

Being IN love is more of intensive feelings towards someone. Like being lovestruck.

 

The love he is referring to, is like family love. You care for the person and want the best and have an emotional bondage, but it is not like being IN love. It is not as intensive.

 

You don't necessarily have to be in an exclusive, official relationship with someone to experience either or.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it is said to convey their feelings- even though they are not "in love" romantically, they still care about and value that person. If they just said "I don't love you", that wouldn't be true. It would trivialize the feelings that they still have.

 

For example, marriages often go through ups & downs. I've heard old couples say how they've fallen in & out of love many times over the years with their spouse. People sometimes give up on their marriages too quickly, assuming that because they don't feel "in love", that they are with the wrong person. It's normal and common to have feelings that ebb & flow over an entire lifetime together. Marriage is like a novel with many chapters, good & bad.

 

The vows "for better, for worse, for richer for poorer" exist to show that marriage isn't just romance, it's commitment. This commitment in marriage is designed to keep a couple together, even in the down times, until the good times come again.

 

For example, the time after childbirth and with little kids is often stressful, busy & exhausting. During this time, resentments & disappointments can build up- maybe a woman's sex life is not a top priority or the guy is too job focused. In this stage, some couples will divorce and seek out romantic love with someone else. Other couples will fall back on the commitment, stick it out, and many find that the romance comes back.

 

In affair relationships, we often hear people use the "I love her like a sister" line- even though he stays married. It's a way to reassure the other woman of her purpose/ role in his life- "Our affair makes me feel different than my marriage". It often leads to what I call bargaining, where an other woman accepts an affair, even though she really wants more. She devalues his marriage... "their marriage is fake, he only loves her like a sister."

 

I think it's a mistake to assume that "in love" kind of love is valued more than committed love or the "family kind of love". From my observations in real life & on this board, it seems that women often place a greater value on romantic love & are more likely to change their lives for it. I think men very much enjoy the excitement of romance, but will often prioritize commitment and family over romantic love. It seems that many married guys love the feelings that romance inspires, but see it as "extra" or fleeting, while viewing marriage & family (committed love) as essential & lasting.

 

Family love is different than romantic love, but not less important or meaningful.

[katiegrl]

when asked about their spouse, those who were in - love them but no IN love with them - phase, often describe familial type of love. the IN love feeling is either not there or it's present with someone else.

 

my question is - why do we mention familial type of love when asked about the person we are NOT in love with anymore? is it out of some kind of guilt that we need to claim any kind of love - even when that love isn't relevant to the relationship at all? why do we delude ourselves and confuse the familial and friendly love with romantic love?

 

what's the difference between love & in love for you?

 

I don't think Michelle ma Belle was talking about having a "familial" love for her ex husband.

 

She feels the type of love that many people feel for an ex they are no longer "in love" with but who they care about deeply regardless -- that being, as the Greeks say -- "agape" or "phileo" love.

 

Which is an unconditional platonic love that sees beyond the outer surface and accepts the recipient for whom he/she is, regardless of their flaws, shortcomings or faults.

 

Whether that person is an ex, a friend OR family member.

 

That "in love" feeling is Eros which is a passionate and intense love that arouses romantic feelings; it is the kind that often triggers “high” feelings in a new relationship.... it is an emotional, romantic and sexual love.

 

Many couples fall out of eros and into agape and can still live many many happy years together. Not everyone needs to feel that "high" in love feeling to be happy.

 

"Storage" is the familiar love you were speaking of. It's the kind of family and friendship love. This is the love that parents naturally feel for their children; the love that member of the family have for each other; or the love that friends often feel for each other.

 

For instance I love my bff, with whom I have been friends since third grade. She is not family but IS like a sister to me.... so yes I love her the way I love my brothers and even my step-sister with whom I am also close.

 

There aren't just two types of love -- romantic love and familial love.

 

You could be in love, fall out of love, but STILL "love" your partner, not a familiar love, but the type of platonic love described above.

[OneLov]

I think being "in love" is the first stage of human bonding when our ties to each other are weakest. To compensation for lacking a stronger connection, our brains pump large amounts of chemicals to keep us interested in the other person. But this production is largely unsustainable and usually will begin to interfere with our lives over time. So we strength our bonds in a number of ways.

 

Biological bonding with another person is one way. There's no way to halt production of those chemicals like having a child with another person. You're tied to them for life, you don't need to lust to stay connected. This is the strongest bond.

 

Culturally, we have developed legal ties through marriage and property ownership. These bonds are weaker since they can be dissolved. Until there is a fair amount of security in the connection, your brain will still compensate by producing a fair amount of oxytocin and other chemicals that will keep feeling connected to the other person.

 

How do we have kids and a good marriage and have intimacy and feeling on love with our partner? I don't know that's a good question. Lol. I think by not someone's everything but being his/her most important thing is a way to start. Only up until after WWII did marriage obligations become paramount to obligations towards family or society. Before that marriage came second to going away to take care of a sick parent, working tons of overtime, fighting the Nazi's, etc.

 

Now we are so connected we even have the same friends. My grandparents wouldn't understand that; they had their own set of friends with the closest ones all interacting. If intimacy is the voluntary disclosure of self doesn't our 21st century technology causing use to be up each other's a$$ and connected 24/7 kill it? Back then you had to be apart and died so young, I think our brains compensated for the weaker bonds and overall pumped more chemicals to offset the uncertainty of the connection.

 

Today, we can't help but lose intimacy because we re so connected to one another. There's a healthy way to have all the joys of life and still love someone forever; it's to realize they will not solve all our problems or always have the answer to all our questions but are the closest thing to meeting our unrealistic expectations of our partner. It's a first-world problem.

[katiegrl]

You could be in love, fall out of love, but STILL "love" your partner, not a familiar love, but the type of platonic love described above.

 

Tried to edit this ^^ but was too late.

 

So modified to read -- "You could be in love, fall out of love, but STILL "love" your partner (or ex), not a familiar love, but the type of platonic love described above.... which would still warrant one saying "I love him/her.... but am not "in love" with them.

[deckard11]

Personally I don't believe in love or being "in love". I've seen men and women who are supposedly "in love" with each other and proclaim it to the whole world who then end up cheating on each other.

[Giggle]

Personally I don't understand the need to say it's no longer love because it's not in love which is expected... I don't get the OPs way of thinking. It has been argued over before.

 

Caring about somebody is expected after so many years? There are many exes who loath each other. I know damn well that while my ex was leaving me he still loved me. I wouldn't even call it just a platonic love. But he was in love with somebody else and was very torn.

I don't love him like a friend. He's not my friend. I care about him even though he has a nasty secret. I will never ever forgive him for it, totally broke my heart, I'm not in love with him but yeah I love him. The affair? Meh. I totally understand where it came from and value it for helping us see that despite the love, we weren't good for each other.

 

I'm sorry love is such a limited thing for those that view it so black & white. And yeah, people can do pretty ****ty things to people they love. In their head it is an ok thing to do =\ the world isn't story tale enough to be black & white.

[Popsicle]

It's just a way to express that someone is special to you and not just like anybody else.

 

But, of course there is a difference, and some people want you to focus on that difference and others don't want you to focus on it.