asdfj Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 This is a pretty long story, and I'll try to cut it down the best I can. I met this guy almost a year ago, and we hit it off quickly. However, we were both in complicated relationships at the time, and it just wasn't working. Around the summer, we were both out of our relationships, and we began hooking up. This went on until about October. There wasn't a real mention of our relationship progressing until that point. I always wanted a relationship with him, but he was always vague about what he wanted with me. He would tell me about girls he was hanging out with/talking to, but it was always in a way that suggested he was trying to make me jealous. The thing to keep in mind about this guy is that he likes games. I finally got tired of this behavior and began seeing someone. About two weeks ago, it was ~1 AM, and my best friend was at the bar (I stayed at home). He showed up, drank quite a bit, and began talking to my best friend (he's opened up to her often about me in the past). He told her that I was his "weakness" and that he "talks to other girls but always comes back to me." He admitted that his mentionings of other girls is always just to make me jealous, but now that he sees I'm with another guy, he can't stand it. At this point, he began calling me and asking me to come see him, but I'd shut my phone off. In the morning, he'd texted me four times, including, "I know you're with your boyfriend, but all I want is to see your face right now. Please just try to come over." It hurt for me to ignore him, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Because of what my friend said to me (and because I still have feelings for this guy), I invited him over last Friday, sat him down, and basically told him that I did have feelings for him (I've never said it out loud to him before). I told him that if he wanted to pursue something with me, it needed to be said now. He told me that he was very into me and that I was way too good for him, but because of the circumstances in which we became intimate (he had a girlfriend when we met and he told me his feelings for me), he just felt guilt every time he thought of me that way. He told me he knew he wouldn't be able to find someone like me who cares as much for him as I do, but he said a relationship with us would be a "disaster" and that he would only hurt me. I was confused about this because of the prior weekend's events, but I told him I wouldn't bring it up again. After our talk, I basically dropped whatever feelings I had and got much closer to my boyfriend, feeling better I had everything with the other guy behind me. The day after our big talk, he began texting me again, asking me to come over and saying, "I never said I didn't want to hang out." I blew him off despite him asking for a rain check. This week, every single night, he has been texting me wanting to hang out without fail. I gave in once and hung out with him, and he made no sexual advances towards me, but every time I tried to leave, he got angry with me and made me stay, telling me he wanted me to sleep over. I waited until he fell asleep then left, and he got upset with me, texting me saying that I "have a problem" and that he was "serious about me staying over." I don't understand, LS. Why is it he wants me to stay over if he's not interested in me? I truly do think he has feelings for me and just doesn't want to see me with anyone else, hence the sudden surge of interest when he sees I've moved on, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too much to pursue something real with me. I'm just trying to understand his contradictory behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I think it is an actual red flag that he is pressuring you to staying with him and then becoming angry and abusive when you try to leave. There is a good chance he is an actual azzhat with the potential to be a controlling, abusive, bad guy. When Maya Angelou used to say, 'when people show you who they are, believe them," This is exactly what she was talking about. He has told you to your face that he has problems relating, isn't good for you, and any relationship with him will end in disaster. I think he has told you the reality. Your options are to believe him and get out of this now, or allow your own dysfunctions and maladaptions and issues override your better sense. He may make your jay-jay tingle and you may be stimulated by the emotional drama that he brings to the table. But this is exactly where otherwise smart women make stupid decisions and do dumb things because of their feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 You've done everything you can do -- you opened up to him honestly, you told him your feelings, and you gave him a chance to man up and take action. (All this while you have a boyfriend!) He straight-up BLEW that opportunity. He rejected his chance to play a bigger role in your life in a more mature and meaningful way. But meanwhile, he continues to play aggressive games with you, and seems to expect you to cheat on your boyfriend. That isn't fair. I think he likes the thought of being a secret side hookup for you... the illicitness, the drama, the fact that he'll keep you from devoting yourself fully to your boyfriend... and also the fact that he won't have to take responsibility for a real relationship with you. It's bad news. You already know that. Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you. You had the right idea in ignoring him. Link to post Share on other sites
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