I contacted him after he implemented NC

[Jane_Tee_11]

Last spring I was dating someone who became very clingy and needy and would tell me I was wrong when I told him he was overwhelming and suffocating me.

 

 

I went NC on him. He messaged me for quite awhile, particularly when his divorce got really, really rocky (we started as confidants with each other) but then he finally stopped.

 

 

This is a man who was there for me during much of my divorce and supported me emotionally at some fairly critical points. However, he then overwhelmed me and I had to go it alone for the last few months of getting through my divorce.

 

 

A couple of months ago I was wondering how he was doing and checked in with him. I was upfront and let him know I was seeing someone else, but that I did care about him and how he was doing and hoped he was okay. That I appreciated he had been there for me. We got together for a drink, and caught up. He was dating someone else, so was I, but we agreed we wanted to stay in touch and thought we'd both benefit from a friendship. I emphasized to him that I would not get involved with him again because I did not want to hurt him a second time, that I cared about him too much to be 'that person' that kept hurting him.

 

 

I messaged him today to ask if he'd take me as a guest to his gym so I could check it out for free before committing and he agreed. He then messaged me back, asking me to be his New Year's date, friends only, nothing romantic.

 

 

The thing is, I think we would have fun for New Years, and I know him well enough that it wouldn't feel like a date or interview, or whatever. While he might be hopeful, he'd also be just as happy to have me there as a friend.

 

 

I've been on both sides of NC..... I've been the one calling it off and wishing the other person would just stop contacting me (above), and I've been the one on the receiving end of someone else calling it off with me and having to find the strength to stop pathetically reaching out and clinging to them trying to get them back.

 

 

I am at a loss here, I'd like to go, I'd also like to avoid hurting him, as he is a good and decent person. He claims it would be just as friends, but I do think part of him is hanging on. Perhaps part of me is still interested as well, as I do care about this man, I am just unsure whether there could be any future for us.

[Erik30]

Seems like a bad idea to me. He should be with the girl he is dating (or so he claims) on New Years Eve. I think he still has some hope, especially now since you contacted him after NC.

[Pacify]

Seems like a bad idea to me. He should be with the girl he is dating (or so he claims) on New Years Eve. I think he still has some hope, especially now since you contacted him after NC.

 

 

I have to agree with Erik30 and seems as though you do to since your checking up on him. Take it real slow. How long did it take to break nc by the way?

[fiskadoro]

I've been on both sides of NC..... I've been the one calling it off and wishing the other person would just stop contacting me (above), and I've been the one on the receiving end of someone else calling it off with me and having to find the strength to stop pathetically reaching out and clinging to them trying to get them back.

 

 

I am at a loss here, I'd like to go, I'd also like to avoid hurting him, as he is a good and decent person. He claims it would be just as friends, but I do think part of him is hanging on. Perhaps part of me is still interested as well, as I do care about this man, I am just unsure whether there could be any future for us.

 

Is it fair to the guy you are dating now that you are lining up potential suitors? I don't know, but i think you should be single before you start anything with an old flame. Friendship is not in the cards, it rarely is.

 

Do you mind if I ask, how long you were in NC for? How long did he text you before giving up, and how insistent was he? Was it a "scorched earth" no contact, or were things still occasionally cordial before you called it off?

I ask all this because I have struggled with N/C, I wasn't sure and now it turns out that i should have been doing it... or at least, what I did over the past three months wasn't helpful at all for my attempts at either reconciliation or moving onward.

[Cephalopod]

If you are not into him then you are not into him. Obviously he is not attractive to you or what you are looking for, so don't friend-zone him and don't lead him on. Being friend-zoned is the most humiliating thing you can do to a guy.

 

You are keeping this going because you like having a guy around who's interested in you. It feeds your ego. It is actually quite selfish. You seem like a really decent gal, but please do some deep digging and ask yourself why you would entertain leading a good man on; a man who you are obviously not attracted to.

[Captivating]

Jane,

Why are you doing this? Be honest with yourself, you want his attention. Right?

You hurt him and now you are teasing him. It's not nice playing with others' feelings. So, NO you shouldn't hang out with him on New Year's Eve when you have a boyfriend of your own. Do you get enough attention from him ?

[PegNosePete]

Uh, what the hell?

 

You have a partner.

He has a partner.

Yet you want to be each others "date" for NYE?

 

What do your respective partners think about you going on this "date"?

[Wewon]

 

I messaged him today to ask if he'd take me as a guest to his gym so I could check it out for free before committing and he agreed. He then messaged me back, asking me to be his New Year's date, friends only, nothing romantic.

 

 

The thing is, I think we would have fun for New Years, and I know him well enough that it wouldn't feel like a date or interview, or whatever. While he might be hopeful, he'd also be just as happy to have me there as a friend.

 

 

 

Be honest here, do you really see him as a friend, someone that can say 'no' to you without worrying about being exiled, or do you see him as a crush that will do you favors and make accommodations for you because of the stars in his eyes?

 

I've found that a lot of women think that they want friendship, but what they actually want is to be adored by a guy that knows his place. They rationalize the "favors" with "He knows we're friends" yet the first time he treats you like one of his male friends he magically gets sent to pasture.

[Jane_Tee_11]

When we met for drinks a month+ ago, he shared that his romantic interest was an on again / off again thing. My romantic interest was fairly new and I wasn't sure how it was going to go (it has since imploded, as that guy went back to his ex).

 

 

I suspect that he possibly asked me for New Years because he didn't want his on again /off again to back out at the last minute -- if she is even still around -- I haven't asked. However, after reading some of the above posts, I have communicated to him, again, that he can cancel on me last-minute if he gets a date and I'd be totally cool with it. He asked if I had another option and was trying to back out, and I made it clear that, no, there is no way I'll have another date come along because I've sworn off dating, in its entirety, for the next year so I can focus on getting to know myself again without anyone else around -- that I need this year off to figure out who I am outside of a relationship.

 

 

To address the questions about why I chose to break NC with him requires an explanation of why I implemented NC in the first place. He was getting very clingy. He would literally text me 100 times a day and if I didn't text back immediately he would ask why I wasn't texting him back -- regardless of whether I was at work, etc. It was completely overwhelming. I was right in the middle of negotiating the property settlement, etc. for my divorce and it was really draining. I had communicated to him that it was a key moment in my divorce that was requiring all my focus, that I was tired, it was draining, and he was overwhelming me with his constant texting, etc. He completely ignored this and instead told me he wasn't texting me that much, and that it was okay that he expected me to immediately text him back. I personally think he was also still on the fence about whether he wanted to go through with his divorce, and I did not want to play a role in him making that choice. So, between the text bombing, him telling me I was wrong about whether he was overwhelming me, and what I perceived as his uncertainty about his divorce, I went NC just to keep my sanity... and to maintain my composure instead of doing something stupid. When I communicate to someone what I am feeling or experiencing and they tell me I am wrong, I get really mad, when I get mad I sometimes say things I regret, I then feel ashamed of myself and know that words cannot be taken back once spoken. Rather than allowing myself to get to that point, I completely withdrew.

 

 

So, after I went NC on him, he kept texting me telling me he hoped I was "feeling better" about my divorce and work. At no point did he ever acknowledge that he was part of the problem with his text bombing and demands for immediate gratification. He wanted to blame it all on my divorce and my work, not on his behaviors.

 

 

That was early June. I broke NC early November, so there was a solid 4 months of me not contacting him.

 

 

I broke NC because I know that NC can be a harsh experience for the person on the receiving if s/he is being clingy and needy. I did not like hurting him, and I knew that hurt him. I contacted him because I wanted to know if he is doing better, it gives me peace of mind, and because I really do care about him. Life is messy, it is not black or white, right or wrong, on or off. It is possible for me to care about someone without wanting to marry him.

 

 

When we got together last month, he told me that he was very lost last spring when I went NC, and that he was far too clingy. He said he spent a lot of time talking about me to his therapist, etc. sorting it all out. He told me that the reason he thinks he was so clingy is because he had been feeling bad, down about himself, and when he met me it gave his self-esteem a big boost... that being with me made him feel good about himself again. This meeting happened early November, and at most, he texts me once every 10 days, so I know he is doing better, is less clingy, etc. I'd like to think that it is possible for him to still care about me and enjoy my company without wanting to marry me (yes, he had been throwing that around before his divorce was even final). I think he now has life in perspective, and would like the opportunity to get to know him in a better state.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Jane_Tee_11

[frigginlost]

No offense, but you sound like someone who does not know what the hell they want, and this reeks of a cat playing with a mouse.

 

A lot of what you wrote speaks of guilt shedding more than anything else.

 

"I broke NC because I know that NC can be a harsh experience for the person on the receiving if s/he is being clingy and needy. I did not like hurting him, and I knew that hurt him. I contacted him because I wanted to know if he is doing better, it gives me peace of mind, and because I really do care about him. Life is messy, it is not black or white, right or wrong, on or off. It is possible for me to care about someone without wanting to marry him."

 

Sorry, just my opinion.

Edited December 23, 2015 by frigginlost

[Wewon]

No offense, but you sound like someone who does not know what the hell they want, and this reeks of a cat playing with a mouse.

 

A lot of what you wrote speaks of guilt shedding more than anything else.

 

"I broke NC because I know that NC can be a harsh experience for the person on the receiving if s/he is being clingy and needy. I did not like hurting him, and I knew that hurt him. I contacted him because I wanted to know if he is doing better, it gives me peace of mind, and because I really do care about him. Life is messy, it is not black or white, right or wrong, on or off. It is possible for me to care about someone without wanting to marry him."

 

Sorry, just my opinion.

 

I agree.

 

NC is painful, but its also a pallet cleanser, especially for a clingy person. The fear that people have of NC is that the other party doesn't want to be forgotten or lose influence of the clingy person. Sporadically appearing in their life "as a friend" is a good way to keep the person from moving on.

[Jane_Tee_11]

Well, I did ask for your opinions so you are entitled to them which sound like you believe the "When Harry Met Sally" philosophy. Basically that people of opposite gender can never really be friends because one of them will always want more.

 

 

I tend to disagree, I am friends with several exes who have definitely moved on and are happy but still call me to get lunch, coffee, whatever.

 

 

I implemented NC on my ex husband for awhile to get a good break from him. Last week I 'scolded' several of my friends for being rude to his new girlfriend at a party (I did not go, knowing he was going to take her). Once upon a time, I might have taken my ex husband back when we were breaking up and I implemented NC, however, I am indifferent now beyond hoping that he has found true happiness. There is nothing wrong with continuing to care about someone by supporting his / her new life and still being there for him / her.

 

 

I just now realized that believing NC has to be a permanent thing is total bullsh*t. Believing that once NC starts it must last forever is a belief that people are unable to process pain, grow, evolve, and move beyond a relationship and just genuinely care for someone and be happy for them after a relationship ends.

 

 

Basically, it sounds like your version of NC is the equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous -- once an alcoholic always alcoholic -- once carrying a torch, always carrying a torch. That's a very broken way of viewing life and relationships generally.

[frigginlost]

Well, I did ask for your opinions so you are entitled to them which sound like you believe the "When Harry Met Sally" philosophy. Basically that people of opposite gender can never really be friends because one of them will always want more.

 

 

I tend to disagree, I am friends with several exes who have definitely moved on and are happy but still call me to get lunch, coffee, whatever.

 

 

I implemented NC on my ex husband for awhile to get a good break from him. Last week I 'scolded' several of my friends for being rude to his new girlfriend at a party (I did not go, knowing he was going to take her). Once upon a time, I might have taken my ex husband back when we were breaking up and I implemented NC, however, I am indifferent now beyond hoping that he has found true happiness. There is nothing wrong with continuing to care about someone by supporting his / her new life and still being there for him / her.

 

 

I just now realized that believing NC has to be a permanent thing is total bullsh*t. Believing that once NC starts it must last forever is a belief that people are unable to process pain, grow, evolve, and move beyond a relationship and just genuinely care for someone and be happy for them after a relationship ends.

 

 

Basically, it sounds like your version of NC is the equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous -- once an alcoholic always alcoholic -- once carrying a torch, always carrying a torch. That's a very broken way of viewing life and relationships generally.

 

I rest my case.

 

Everything you have said above is in reference to how you, and only you feel about NC. You have not taken a single look nor glance at how the other person would feel as you move toward "being friends".

 

Nothing you have stated shows anything other than meeting a selfish need on your own part to feel better about yourself and your actions. You even go as far as to say you invited yourself to be a guest to his gym, and flat out stated that while you were banishing him in NC he did not admit to anything about his being clingy. You also state you feel that he is hanging on. If you know this, why are you even considering having to do anything with him? It sounds like your guilt wants to be friends with him...

 

And just so you know, I'm one of the very few around here that does not follow NC. I'm more of a Low Contact person...

[Jane_Tee_11]

Wow. I'm going to do my best to address the lack of reading comprehension here.

 

 

Everything you have said above is in reference to how you, and only you feel about NC. You have not taken a single look nor glance at how the other person would feel as you move toward "being friends".

 

 

Good lord. The very purpose of my OP was based on me being concerned about how he would feel. If it was all about me, I would be off being about me instead of asking for other people's views.

 

 

Since our very first re-contact I've been clear to him that we can only be friends. Given that he only texts about every 10 days, and then doesn't bomb me with texts, I'd say he sees me as just a friend. He too has said several times now that New Years is "just as friends"... perhaps he is friend-zoning me to fortify his ego? Either way, he is an adult who can make decisions about what he can and cannot handle in terms of being around me. I refuse to infantilize him.

 

 

Nothing you have stated shows anything other than meeting a selfish need on your own part to feel better about yourself and your actions. You even go as far as to say you invited yourself to be a guest to his gym, and flat out stated that while you were banishing him in NC he did not admit to anything about his being clingy.

 

 

Wrong, yet again. We had already been back in contact with each other, and I had expressed a desire to start working out again so I can be happy with myself. He then told me that he really likes his gym and I should consider it. That was over a month ago. I just recently contacted him to take him up on the offer.

 

 

When I broke NC and got back in touch with him (over a month ago), the first think he said to me was that he was sorry he had been so clingy. At the time he was being clingy he was denying it, but after NC and time to reflect, he realized that he was, in fact, being clingy.

 

 

You also state you feel that he is hanging on. If you know this, why are you even considering having to do anything with him? It sounds like your guilt wants to be friends with him...

 

 

I feel zero guilt about going NC on his behaviors. Zero. They were unacceptable at that time and he was refusing to admit it (at that time). I use my phone for work and I simply could not have him blowing it up with 100s of texts per day.

 

 

I genuinely care about this person, he really helped me a lot at the beginning of my divorce, and if that isn't friendship, then I don't know what is. Given his previous inappropriate zealousness, I have every reason to be questioning if his past behavior will be an indicator of his future behavior. I am hopeful that it was situational and not who / how he is normally.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Jane_Tee_11

[Wewon]

Well, I did ask for your opinions so you are entitled to them which sound like you believe the "When Harry Met Sally" philosophy. Basically that people of opposite gender can never really be friends because one of them will always want more.

 

 

I tend to disagree, I am friends with several exes who have definitely moved on and are happy but still call me to get lunch, coffee, whatever.

 

 

I implemented NC on my ex husband for awhile to get a good break from him. Last week I 'scolded' several of my friends for being rude to his new girlfriend at a party (I did not go, knowing he was going to take her). Once upon a time, I might have taken my ex husband back when we were breaking up and I implemented NC, however, I am indifferent now beyond hoping that he has found true happiness. There is nothing wrong with continuing to care about someone by supporting his / her new life and still being there for him / her.

 

 

I just now realized that believing NC has to be a permanent thing is total bullsh*t. Believing that once NC starts it must last forever is a belief that people are unable to process pain, grow, evolve, and move beyond a relationship and just genuinely care for someone and be happy for them after a relationship ends.

 

 

Basically, it sounds like your version of NC is the equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous -- once an alcoholic always alcoholic -- once carrying a torch, always carrying a torch. That's a very broken way of viewing life and relationships generally.

 

You're building a mighty big straw man here.

 

You will be hard pressed to find someone that made or even implied the bolded. People are simply acknowledging that there is a healing process after a break up, especially for someone that has been clingy.

 

Most of the pushback that you're getting is based on that.

[frigginlost]

Wow. I'm going to do my best to address the lack of reading comprehension here.

 

I read fine, thank you. It would appear that you have issues with any opinion that differs from yours. You yourself have stated that:

 

"When I communicate to someone what I am feeling or experiencing and they tell me I am wrong, I get really mad"

 

Your words. I'll chalk that snide and immature remark up to that character flaw.

 

Good lord. The very purpose of my OP was based on me being concerned about how he would feel. If it was all about me, I would be off being about me instead of asking for other people's views.

 

You already are being about you in breaking NC with him. Now that he has responded, you are trying to justify it. In short, you are hoping he is at a place where you are at so you can feel a little better. Sorry, that's the way I see it. You stated that he did not try to contact you during NC. That tells me he was moving forward. Why deter that movement by contacting him if you did not want anything more than friendship from him? Why not let him contact you? Because you want the cake and to eat it as well...

 

Since our very first re-contact I've been clear to him that we can only be friends. Given that he only texts about every 10 days, and then doesn't bomb me with texts, I'd say he sees me as just a friend. He too has said several times now that New Years is "just as friends"... perhaps he is friend-zoning me to fortify his ego? Either way, he is an adult who can make decisions about what he can and cannot handle in terms of being around me. I refuse to infantilize him.

 

You refuse to look past the end of your nose. You are again making excuses for your actions.

 

Wrong, yet again. We had already been back in contact with each other, and I had expressed a desire to start working out again so I can be happy with myself. He then told me that he really likes his gym and I should consider it. That was over a month ago. I just recently contacted him to take him up on the offer.

 

So you are really interested in starting to work out again, yet you wait and then contact him stating you're ready a month later? Sorry, but what kept you from going there yourself or to any other gym in the area? Again, you're making excuses...

 

When I broke NC and got back in touch with him (over a month ago), the first think he said to me was that he was sorry he had been so clingy. At the time he was being clingy he was denying it, but after NC and time to reflect, he realized that he was, in fact, being clingy.

 

Of course he is going to say that. You stated yourself that he is hanging on. Stop with "I have done nothing" routine. You have and are continuing to do so.

 

I feel zero guilt about going NC on his behaviors. Zero. They were unacceptable at that time and he was refusing to admit it (at that time). I use my phone for work and I simply could not have him blowing it up with 100s of texts per day.

 

Than why did you contact him after months of not talking? If you "cared about him that much" than why stop his progress in moving forward? He stopped reaching out to you, so why did you feel the need to halt it? If he wanted to be friends, don't you think he would have reached out?

 

I genuinely care about this person, he really helped me a lot at the beginning of my divorce, and if that isn't friendship, then I don't know what is. Given his previous inappropriate zealousness, I have every reason to be questioning if his past behavior will be an indicator of his future behavior. I am hopeful that it was situational and not who / how he is normally.

 

You should be questioning your behavior. "He really helped me a lot" is a statement from selfishness...

 

His actions, or should I say reactions to you inviting yourself to things with him are showing that he has more feelings than "just friends".

[Jane_Tee_11]

Update: No text or call Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, no Facebook stalking. No contact from him what-so-ever. Given all of the other men that text or called me Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day, I'd say these two days seem to matter for some reason.

 

 

Actions speak louder than words, and I would say he is doing just fine and has stopped pining away or obsessing over me.