1 month after ending an 8 year relationship (Tips to cope)

[moonwalker86]

I'll tell you what I'm going through and what's helped me.

(sorry for the long post, if you want to skip any parts go to whatever section you think would apply to you more.)

 

To sum up what I've already said, we were together 8 years, married 6 years, have a child together and have been through so many massive things in our life. From being teen parents, to having to homeschool our child, to dealing with major health scares and anything you can think of really. To say we survived a lot of things would be an understatement.

What I thought:

I thought our relationship would surpass time itself, that we would be together "forever". Many of you probably thought the same thing. I guess WE are the ones that would never walk away from it. I thought that whatever our problems were, that we could always work it out. That we were capable of staying together and NEVER give up, regardless of how hard it was.

 

What happened

Things went sour, but not in a dramatic fashion, we became "roomates" instead of lovers and she was unhappy with our situation.

We weren't always fighting but there was a lack of romance, not enough for her needs. She fell out of love with me, and it's easy to understand why after I caught her lying about talking to someone else. She had been talking to someone else for months and ended up falling in love with them. It was one of the most painful things I ever experienced, her telling me that she was in love with another man. My heart sank to the bottom of the ocean. I could not believe this woman who I went to hell and back with, who I would give my life up for, was capable of doing this to me. We helped eachother through the darkest periods of our lives, I felt betrayed. I admit to my mistakes, I hurt her emotionally, made her feel neglected, but never put anyone else before her and would never have given anyone else a chance to love me while being with her.

 

How I reacted

I cried and cried, begging her to give me another chance. Told her about the progress we were making as a couple, because we were. Near the last few weeks of being together I was more compassionate, more understanding, let her be and was being less critical of things she did that made me feel uncomfortable before. Days of this went on, this was before I found out she was having an affair. I cried and poured my heart out for her, tried to tell her it wasn't the right thing to do, that our child needs a family in his life, a family undivided. But it didn't go through. She was not going to change her mind. I tried to convince her that our child doesn't deserve the trauma and pain that comes from divorce. It just angered her to hear that.

 

After I found the messages from the other man I was really angry, but it made more sense. The way she grew cold, the way she stopped doing certain things so suddenly. It's funny because she said she wanted "time to figure herself out". But she just wanted time to be able to talk to this other person freely, without worrying about me. I so get it. She tried saying she was only talking to them to make it easier to break up with me. But that's obviously B.S. since she ended up falling in love with them.

 

What helped/is helping me today

It's still really tough. Some days I just need to cry. The hardest thing for me to do was/is to let go of the hope of us being together.

I held on so tightly to the hope, to the chance that she would change her mind. It's natural to think that, it's going to probably be part of how you get through it all. But let me say this, when that hope is shut down and rejected enough times, you will let go of it more and more.

 

I actually tried to talk her out of it, not once, maybe 6-8 times. Not all on the same day, days apart from eachother. And guess what? It destroyed my hope. It made me realize that she was not going to change her mind and that I had no control over the situation. In a way it also helped because I realized that she was no longer the person I fell in love with. She is a different woman, a much different woman with different things on her mind. Her priorities have changed. I realized that she's more concerned with her fling, more concerned with having her fun than with keeping our family together.

 

If I didn't try to win her back, I would still be grieving as hard as I was the first week. People say stay away, don't talk to them, but it might actually help you get a grip of the situation. It might help give you some emotional distance.

 

So say what you have to say, let it out, don't leave any stone unturned. It might just help your recovery.

 

Being Alone

I don't have many friends, very little actually. So I didn't have much in the way of distractions. But I bottled up everything and didn't talk to anyone else about the situation for almost a month. BAD IDEA. It was seriously eating away at me, I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't go through it alone. And YOU shouldn't either. Find someone, anyone, and talk about your problem. You NEED to let it out somehow, if you don't the weight will shatter you. Go to a friend, a family member, hell, go to a church if you have nobody to go to, make sure SOMEONE is listening. It helps to let it out.

 

Also if you have a social circle, go out with someone, do something. Being alone with nothing to do and no direction leaves you too much time to dwell on things that won't help you in any way. You will have your bad days, you will have times where you think about how special things used to be and

the hopes you had for the future. You need to constantly tell yourself that the future didn't happen and it was never promised. Let go of the future, it's going to hurt like hell but you have to let it go, that person you thought would be there forever is not here anymore, you're looking at a different person now.

 

You can't control them

This one helped me cope with a lot of things. I constantly had to remind myself that I was not in control of her. She is making the choice to end the relationship, I am powerless to stop her and I can't force her to love me that way anymore. You don't want someone by your side who doesn't care about you that way anymore, they should want to be with you ON THEIR OWN, not because you are forcing them. I want her to love me by herself, so if that day ever comes then I will see what happens if we get there. But I can't sit and wait for her to feel that way. I have to live, I have to build upwards and stop digging myself a grave. Because that's all you're doing by sabotaging your own life because you think you can't live without them.

You CAN live without them, you WILL live without them. It's going to take time to adjust to the changes, to get over your emotions, but the pain will become dull with each passing day.

 

Cry

Don't hold back your tears, cry and cry often if you need to. Letting it out when I have to has helped. It just has to come out. Don't try to go under or around your grief, go THROUGH it, face it head on, because if you don't then you will never heal. It's going to hurt.

 

You might feel guilty for trying to emotionally distance yourself from that person, but you HAVE TO. You feel guilty because you don't want to fall out of love with that person, but you have to cut that cord that attaches you to them, you don't want to but you NEED to if you wan't to be happy again. It is a slow process, I've still not cut it completely but I'm getting there. I'm taking things less personal and realizing that it's unhealthy to keep that cord attached, because THEY have cut it and don't live with the burden of it still being there. But we do, we live with that burden, and it's such a heavy burden to carry. Please understand that it has to happen. There's no way around it.

 

Get rid of mementos

Don't hold onto those love letters from when you first met, or that plane ticket from your honeymoon or whatever it is that has sentimental value from a time when you two were in deep love with eachother. Looking at that stuff will only torture you. It will keep you in the past, keep you locked in that time period. Shred it, destroy it, throw it away. It's over, that love is no longer there. It will help you be able to walk away from the relationship emotionally.

 

Find your passion

So maybe the first week or two you will feel so crappy about everything that you don't feel like doing anything. That's ok, it's hard to concentrate when you feel like your world is crumbling. But eventually, get back into things you were into before. Be selfish, spend some money on yourself, do things that you like or liked before.

 

Be ambitious

Save money, look at it as a way to build something new, to build a new foundation. Go to school, get a job, look for a career, try something you always wanted to try doing. Set goals for yourself. If you have dreams of being somewhere better in your life, now is your chance to chase them. You will have more time to yourself now, time to prove your self worth. You can become a better person through it all, become an improved person because of what you have been through. Don't let this scar you, let it motivate you, even though it's painful, don't think that the pain will kill you, think that it's only temporary and in the end it will make you stronger and wiser.

 

Bond

If you have children, take the time to bond with them now more than ever. They need you so much and need to feel your love. It helps to bond with other important people in your life because you are redirecting your care. You cared for your partner for so long and feel like you have nobody to show it to. Your parents, siblings, friends, bond with them, bond with someone because it helps so much to feel like you are cared for. It's important to feel like you matter, especially when your significant other no longer makes you feel that way.

 

Sleep

Don't overdo it, don't sleep all day long but try to throw in a nap or two, or an extra hour or two of sleep. It will help make the hard days shorter when you need them to be. Just don't overdo it, because that can lead to depression if it goes on too long.

 

That's all for now. I am just sharing what has helped me thus far. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am looking at things in a more positive light than before and it feels a bit better regardless of how crappy the circumstances are.

Edited December 18, 2015 by moonwalker86

[SixxChick]

Thank you for this. Eight years? Jeez. I'm grateful that I went through barely two. Strength and honor to you.

[OmahaDivorce]

Hi Moonwalker!

What a great post. Your experience sounds so much like how I handled things when my ex ran off with my best friend.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[moonwalker86]

You're both welcome. It's extremely hard to deal with the memories of 8 years but I'm trying my best!

[OmahaDivorce]

Something that I found really helped me was staying busy. I started going to plays, art activities (Pinot's Palette - Leading Paint and Sip), and different things like that. It took my mind off her (we were together 7 years) and helped me learn about new things that I liked doing.

[moonwalker86]

Something that I found really helped me was staying busy. I started going to plays, art activities (Pinot's Palette - Leading Paint and Sip), and different things like that. It took my mind off her (we were together 7 years) and helped me learn about new things that I liked doing.

 

Makes sense, I need to look into things I can do, even volunteering maybe to keep my mind clear when my son is not around to distract me. Thanks.

[Cm01]

Good post. My gf of 14 years just left 2.5 weeks ago. Your post is helping me.

[RySant]

Sigh,

 

I am suffering Severe Philophobia and reading these stories are like my deepest fears becoming real! I hope you go through this well Moonwalker! Actually, I hope everyone who experienced this to be okay one day.

 

I am yet to have a relationship, and actually I am becoming less and less inclined to have one. I might just be a Doggie Man or a male counterpart of a Cat Lady.

[moonwalker86]

I'm glad I'm able to help anyone through their problems.

And thank you I am over her almost completely now, but unfortunately I have other problems that relate to her that are not emotional but rather involve my child, an even ****tier thing to deal to be honest.

She killed all feelings I had for her, she drove everything to the ground with her selfish actions.