Is the kindest thing to call it a day?

[Sad Sarah]

I don't even know where to start. I have been with my husband 20 years.

 

We get on well and he still spoils me with breakfast in bed regularly. I love him to bits, and he says he loves me too.

 

Sounds great, but for all the time we have been together there's always been some underlying drama. Some reason why he seems unable to connect at any emotional level.

 

If it's not work stress, it's chronic fatigue or porn addiction. Or anxiety, or not being able to change his carer role after I went through a depressive stage more than 2 years ago.

 

Here's a real example of a recent conversation. I asked him to organise a romantic date sometime in the next 3 months. Something we could do together and that I did not have to plan. Something other than dinner and a movie.

 

Well that did not happen, and he cannot understand why i am disappointed. When we discussed his explanation was, well sometimes when I am driving in the car I have a hard time remembering what you are saying.

 

I did not ask him about it in a car, no car was involved. I would have been happy with a fricken bubble bath and he's just gone somewhere in his head I can't follow.

 

He presents really well to other people, who think he's a top notch bloke. I hide them from the bloke who would not buy his mum a Mother's Day card because it just does not seem important enough to him.

 

I am at a loss. I alternate between thinking I am an overly bossy wife to on some days being convinced I have a passive aggressive narcissist.

 

Can any please help me keep my sanity, I could write a thousand lines, all sad. How he went to IC that seemed to be making a difference but stopped because he had "his own homework" to do.

 

Does he delight in my pain? Is he unable to even feel sympathy? Do I go for yet another round of counselling. Or should I just put on my big girl panties and just till him to piss off.

 

He would go by the way, fighting to save a marriage is something he would never do. And the saddest thing is it's because he could not handle the chance of failing. He would put that fear ahead of trying to salvage a 20 year marriage.

 

I am not even sure what I am asking, I think I just want the pain and cognitive dissonance to stop.

[Yarrow]

I am at a loss. I alternate between thinking I am an overly bossy wife to on some days being convinced I have a passive aggressive narcissist.

...

Does he delight in my pain? Is he unable to even feel sympathy? Do I go for yet another round of counselling. Or should I just put on my big girl panties and just till him to piss off.

...

I am not even sure what I am asking, I think I just want the pain and cognitive dissonance to stop.

 

It sounds to me like you feel taken for granted and you are reaching the end of your rope with that feeling. Would that be a fair assessment?

[Sad Sarah]

Thanks for the reply. I think it was that a few years ago. But I am past that and into the cathartic stage. Except when I think about it.

 

My parents had very strict ideas about divorcing, as in you don't. I think had I been raised with another belief system husband and I would not be married.

 

My husband says he loves me, but judging his actions I cannot see it at all.

 

I know marriages are not all flowers and unicorns. And I have my faults. But I can't play happy couple anymore.

 

At the moment I think I am just sad and ranting. He's away seeing family, and I refused to go because I can't stand seeing him Jeckyl/Hyde.

 

He said if I wait until Tuesday, then he will start trying some more. I don't even know how many things of his I want to throw out the window. Seriously I can't figure his brain. I am his wife!

[PegNosePete]

It's debatable whether some of the things you list are even his fault. Anxiety, chronic fatigue, stress from work, being unable to change career... it seems unfair to blame him for the state of the marriage due to these things he has no control over.

 

However the bottom line seems to be that your needs are not being met, and you are unhappy in the marriage. Does he know this? Does he know how close you are to ending it? Many women think "surely he must be able to tell", but most men don't pick up subtleties. Unless you have said it to his face, he'll just carry on as usual; and will be totally blindsided when the divorce petition hits. If you haven't already then I would sit him down and tell him that you're unhappy in the marriage, and what you need to be happy. Not one date in 3 months; what you need every day.

 

If you've already told him that and he hasn't changed then, well, you're probably going to have to end it.

[OmahaDivorce]

Hi Sad Sarah -

I think I know how your husband feels. A number of years ago I was in a tough spot with my job. I was worn out all of the time, pulling long hours, and not spending much time with my wife. When I would come home from a 16 hour day at work, my ex would ask me what kind of romantic things I had planned for us to do.

 

In all honesty, the last thing I wanted to do at that moment was plan something romantic. I was tired and worn out. I just wanted to rest and decompress. I couldn't handle the stress of having to plan one more thing. I loved my ex dearly but the season of life we were in just wasn't allowing us much quality time together.

 

I have heard it said that the #1 way to become bitter in a relationship is to have unmet expectations. The same person who told me this suggested that the best way to have a happy relationship is to not have any expectations at all.

 

I would encourage you to take charge of your own relationship. Instead of making your husband plan the dates, perhaps if you were to plan them, he might be more willing to go.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sounds great, but for all the time we have been together there's always been some underlying drama. Some reason why he seems unable to connect at any emotional level.

 

If it's not work stress, it's chronic fatigue or porn addiction. Or anxiety, or not being able to change his carer role after I went through a depressive stage more than 2 years ago.

 

Here's a real example of a recent conversation. I asked him to organise a romantic date sometime in the next 3 months. Something we could do together and that I did not have to plan. Something other than dinner and a movie.

 

Well that did not happen, and he cannot understand why i am disappointed. When we discussed his explanation was, well sometimes when I am driving in the car I have a hard time remembering what you are saying.

 

I did not ask him about it in a car, no car was involved. I would have been happy with a fricken bubble bath and he's just gone somewhere in his head I can't follow.

 

He presents really well to other people, who think he's a top notch bloke. I hide them from the bloke who would not buy his mum a Mother's Day card because it just does not seem important enough to him.

 

It sounds in some ways you're blaming/judging him for not being you.

 

And I get that, many of us in long relationships share the same frustrations. My wife would literally let something fall off the wall before she'd go to the garage, get a tool and tighten the screw. That approach just isn't in her DNA.

 

And yet she's such a wonderful person, spouse and mom in so many other more significant ways that I make the easy choice each day to celebrate the strengths rather than bemoan the weaknesses.

 

As in many relationships where the challenges seem based on communication issues, marriage counseling might be a help. Have you considered it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveMyCat]

Maybe you had better try planning a few special dates and see how that works out. Some people may mean well but just can't or don't follow through on these types of "sentimental" or romantic things. Not sure this alone is marriage-ending though it can make for a lot of unhappiness. Will he consider counseling? Or does he not think there are any real problems? Often two people have very opposite views as to what a "happy" marriage should be. Some people just want what could be called "a quiet life" meaning no hassles at home, just a place to relax and be themselves. Not exactly possible in most cases but it does not stop people from wanting it, with minimal effort on their part.

[Sad Sarah]

Thanks so much for the well considered replies.

 

I have told him how "close" I feel to chucking it in. I told him back in February.

 

The plan was he would get IC to a) demonstrate he wanted to work on the marriage and b) give him a set of tools he could use for couple counselling

 

Somehow after 5 sessions he felt it appropriate to stop. And I don't have the energy to "fight" to even figure out why.

 

I don't blame him for having life problems, I do as well. But he ignores them hoping they go away. Where I feel they can be overcome or at least dealt with so the life we/he lead is authentic and the best it can be.

 

But I am tired, I have no fight anymore. I don't even have the energy to explain to you how I have tried, and cried and begged and pleaded.

 

I just want to be loved. By my husband.

 

Perhaps our views are too disparate?

[Sad Sarah]

During that time I asked him to organise a date, 1 in 3 months. I continued to organise dates, stress downs, giving him time to spend with the blokes etc. just about every tool I could think of.

 

I would have been happy with anything, just as long as it came from him without prompting, cajoling etc.

[hl1962]

Maybe you want to check out The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, if you haven't.