not sure if i made a mistake

[fiskadoro]

My gf and I broke up almost 5 months ago. At first it was amicable and she wanted to get back together, but then she turned chilly towards me. She has stopped texting me for the most part. She will reply to some of my texts, but only to thank me for wishing her well on her new job, then she stops replying. She also told me to not text her anything but basic questions, that she didn't want to know any of my personal things. She also told me she would no longer accept my help - rides to the market or some appt, help with her phone bill, etc. She feels I was too needy and demanding, and I have come to agree with her.

 

Two months ago she threw me a breadcrumb, asking me to meet her to exchange scarves, but an hour before our meeting she said she had shown up early, I wasn't there, and she would text me later about getting her scarf back. Originally she told me the scarf was very precious to her and that's why she wanted it back, but since then I have tried twice (once when running into her, another time through text) returning it and both times she said "not now, I will text you". She hasn't. Three weeks ago, she suddenly asked me to bring her furniture to her ASAP, as she was about to move. It was cheap stuff, a plastic Ikea chair and desk she bought used off craigslist for $60. When I told her I was out of town and might not be able to do it within two days, she told me to throw them away. I asked her to wait three days, she said no and insisted i throw them away, so i hustled back to bring it to her. I cannot figure out why she insisted I bring it that moment or toss it. Anyway, we chatted outside for about 5 minutes, then I invited her for coffee, she declined, and that was that.

 

I teach at a language institute where she studies, and her teacher/my colleague was sick yesterday, so I agreed to sub the class for the day. I thought it would be a good chance for me to make a good impression on her and hopefully break the cold war. I wasn't sure beforehand if I should take the sub assignment, I had the option of rejecting it, but I often sub for other instructors and she knows this. At the beg of class she walked in and was obviously surprised to see me, and seemed pretty uncomfortable. I taught the class as normal though, proctoring the midterm for the afternoon part (the class meets all day once a week). In the morning, during the break I asked her if she had moved and she said no, not yet. I told her good luck, and asked her had the landlord gotten back to her yet. She then texted me saying she was embarrassed and not to ask her personal questions, especially in front of the students (there were three students who remained in the room for the break). I feel stupid for doing this, I was trying to be cool and relaxed and it didn't occur to me how she would take it.

 

At lunch I texted her an offer to share the food I brought, she told me she wasn't hungry but thanks. In the second half of class, just as I was really beginning to feel sunk and that I had screwed up by teaching this class, she began to relax, smiled at me a few times when we made eye contact, and began really laughing at my jokes to the class. Everyone in the class is a working adult, about 15 people, and generally the teachers and students are chummy and friendly.

 

After the midterm, I told the students that they could leave if they wanted, or stay for a review of the midterm, and all but 5 students left. I was hoping she would leave, to be honest. However, she stayed for another hour. So that makes me hopeful that she wasn't too too uncomfortable by that point. Then after the review, everyone left, she walked out and said "bye" and that was that.

 

Did I go overboard? My idea was that I wanted us to get past being uncomfortable around each other, but I feel bad about the question that she disliked, and though I often sub, I feel that maybe I made her too uncomfortable and I should have just let time solve things (if it will). I am no longer trying to reconcile, I am not even trying to be friends. I just wanted to show her myself in a decent light, should she ever decide to start a new relationship with me.

 

Also, I now am much more convinced in the use of no contact in certain situations. Boy, have I seen the light.

Edited December 18, 2015 by fiskadoro

[salparadise]

I don't think you went overboard by taking the sub assignment. That's part of your job and it's perfectly reasonable. I do think trying to maintain contact, appease and comply with her demands such as delivering furniture within a narrow window are too much. Treat her with indifference and refuse to be sucked in. Let her come and collect her own furniture, and you tell her when you're available, after which it's subject to disposal if she doesn't pick it up.

 

There is a lot more going on here than practicalities. She doesn't seem to want any real communication or cooperation, but she does enjoy watching you jump through hoops. Don't give up your dignity to appease someone who's treating you like a doormat. This is a perfect example of why NC is such a revered institution.

[fiskadoro]

Salparadise,

 

Thanks for your response. I know it was a manipulative of her to ask for the furniture back in such a small window of time - and then to demand that I throw it out if I couldn't deliver it - but I had moments of manipulation in our relationship as well. Overall she isn't manipulative, I have to say. And, I omitted that three weeks before that I had run into her and begged a bit, in a sappy way.... embarrassing for me.

 

That led me to speculate that she maybe she wanted the furniture now because after my behavior three weeks ago she had given up hope for us? Hard to say, impossible to say really.