How to maintain NC

[Stars1234]

Hello Everyone,

 

I have been around for a while reading your posts, however this is the 1st time I am posting my story. This forum seems so non judgmental and supportive, I would really appreciate your feedback.

 

So I have been having an A with MM for 3 years, it is long distance and although difficult we have made it work. Not long after the A began I left my M. To date MM hasn't left his M even though for 3 years he said he would be leaving.

 

MM W apparently found out that he had an affair she and I were really good friends - I feel terribly guilty that the A began. She doesn't know that I am the OW. MM claims they don't have sex and he sleeps in the same bedroom as his Son - I am very skeptical about this.

 

Over the years he has lied and let me down with empty promises. I know it's not easy for him to leave his M and never pressurised him at all. The last 6 months though I have said its not fair on me or his W that he is continuing the A. I have said I would understand if he wanted to give his marriage a go, to which he always says there is no marriage. He doesn't talk much about his W and to be honest he doesn't really communicate about his situation. At times this really gets to me and I end up snapping and getting upset that he can't talk about things. I have said do not leave your M because if me but do the right thing by your W and leave and let her get on with her life! I don't understand why she is still hanging around, she is very independent and I am struggling to work out why she is still with him.

 

Over the years I have ended things numerous times, he somehow has weaved his way back into my life. Sadly, yet again it was all based on false promises. We both have Children and I know if we were together life wouldn't be easy. For some reason he thinks everything will be ok but I guess he is living in fantasy land, whereas I am more realistic. The only thing we fall out about is his personal situation. Although we are miles apart we speak at least 5 times a day and send hundreds of messages daily - we are both quite obsessive to be fair. We know what each of his doings every hour of the day. The A has really lifted my self confidence, my ex H knocked my confidence. So it's nice to be loved and appreciated and this has made me more confident. We see each other every 4-6 weeks and this summer we will both be back in our home Country. I know MM don't leave their W and have said this to him on numerous occasions that life would be hard if we were together. He says we are different and are completely connected and just because it doesn't work for others it will for us. I am a bit more realistic than him though - I am sure you have heard similar things from your MM or MW.

 

Recently I have had a lot of personal issues with illnesses etc. MM has also had lots going on with work and supposedly he was moving back home however his wife has refused to move. I know this is very stressful as it means his Child will be in a different Country to him. I have tried my best to support him and not pressured him into anything. Given, I have been really ill - he hasn't coped with this and instead of being there for me he went the other way and became very distant. It all came to a head the other day and I said if he needed some space to sort his head then to say.

 

Our last conversation he explained that we couldn't carry on with the R if he didn't sort his M out. I have said numerous times that I was sick of the fact he wasn't able to commit to me. He said he needed a break to sort his head out and he would be in touch in a few weeks once he had moved out. I explained that I wasn't prepared to hang around as 3 years is long enough. He swore he would be sorting things out but needed to do it his way. I am not sure if the guilt has set in and he can't leave his M so thinks it would be easier to end us, or maybe he is trying again with his W. I suppose I won't know the real answer. I told him I wanted NC as I thought he was getting back with his W but I think in his head its a break to finalise the separation. For my own state of mind I can keep building my hopes up that he is going to leave his M. The last message I got from him was saying he was sorry but he would definitely be in touch.

 

It's been 4 days now of NC and I know this is the best thing to do. For once I have blocked him on social media extra, deleted numbers, previously I didnt. Today he has contacted me wanting to know when my friends are visiting in Jan - he probably is trying to work out when he can come and see me. He has asked why I have blocked him etc. He said he loves and misses me and will be back to get me.

 

I am in 2 minds to send a message back to say I do not want him to contact me unless he is in a position to commit and tell him this time is different because I am not putting my life on hold anymore. It will break him if I messaged this but obviously in his head he just thinks this is a break - I am seeing it as we are over. Or I could carry on with the NC and hope he gets the message. I am inclined to send a message to make sure he totally understand that the R is over. I think because previously we broke up but got back together, he thinks this is the same.

 

For my sanity I can't stay in this R, it's not fair on me or his W. I miss him like crazy and because we are in contact all the time, I feel like my right arm has been chopped off. For me this A has always been on his terms on week days we communicate loads on a weekend we don't speak much as he is at home. This breaks me and I have started to resent his W - the poor thing she doesn't deserve to be treat this way either.

 

I am deeply in love with MM and prepared to give it my all if he commits, I am under no illusion that it won't be an easy ride and it may not work.

 

So should I message and spell it out to him so he knows or do I carry on with NC?

 

Your advice would be very welcome as currently I am at breaking point.

Thanks for reading!!!

[TaraMaiden2]

I love you desperately, and would dedicate my life to you, but the only thing I want to hear from you is that you are free and 100% committed to me, and me alone. That's the only thing I expect to hear from you next. Otherwise, please maintain NC. I cannot continue to compromise and be an option, when I know I deserve to be your one and only priority. We either are, or we're not. I cannot stand on middle ground, any more."

[Samhain]

"I don't understand why she is still hanging around, she is very independent and I am struggling to work out why she is still with him."

 

Because their marriage is most definitely nothing like he portrays it to be to you. She probably has no idea he sleeps in his sons room or that they have no marriage. Every OW/MM thread that I've read on here the married guy always tells the other woman that he and his wife have no sex life or marriage! And 9/10 times it's been total BS. You're even skeptical yourself.

 

He's never going to leave her. You left your marriage shortly after the affair started, you knew what you wanted and what you didn't want. 3 years and he hasn't done that, it speaks louder than any words he could ever say.

 

He's basically lied to you for 3 years and is continuing to do so, and would continue to do so if you went back. Ignore the fact he's married (for now), would you accept and tolerate that in any relationship? To be lied to repeatedly? To never know the real story, and to have to be skeptical about things he tells you? If that is something you have no problem living with then go ahead and tell him to contact you in the future.

[Bittersweetie]

How do you maintain NC? Especially this early? You take it one day at a time. You keep NC for one day. Then you do it again. And again. If you want to contact him, or look him up on the internet, or anything...tell yourself, I will do it tomorrow. Each day will add up to weeks, then months.

 

Is it easy? Of course not. But it is the best step you can take toward your own healing. Good luck.

[imsosad]

I really feel for you. I know what you are going through and it's just HARD.

a few things:

1.Dont message. No contact is no contact. Just stick to it. As I am learning the hard way,closure is very hard to achieve in A.You will have many moments in which your mind will create perfectly good reasons to contact him.Resist.

2.He may be optimistic the bliss of a potential future together because its not real to him. He can carry on fantasising. For you it is a life option.Dont be fooled by his optimism,it is either naive or manipulative.

3.You have no idea what the state of his marriage is.it does not matter what he says. Though my MM and I both were clear that we were having sex with our partners,he carried on and on anout how cold,detached,critical she was and how they were more roommates than lovers. At the begininh he would take her calls privately. Later on,he answered with me sitting right there. You know what?they did not sound like roommates!it sounded like a very mormal,affectionate conversation between spouses. The second thing i learned was tbat he had no problem carrying on that conbersation while trying to kiss me.Ad heartbroken as i still am,i realise that she probably felt their marriage was fine and that he was capable of going very,very low. I think you should disregard most of what he told you anout his wife.

3.He is not leaving her.You have been available pretty much from the get go. He's staying with her. Almost all of them do.

4.It will hurt. You will be sad.angry.frustrated.you will love him and miss him and hate him.you will have tough moments. Hold on to the end point:this A was going nowhere and was making you more miserable than happy.

5.I am 5 months into NC.

Some days are better,some are still a mess.

From what ive read here,most people do feel better by this point.

I think it lingers on for me because,being married myself,i couldnt take the time to grieve,cry etc.

Good luck!

[WestEndGirl]

Because their marriage is most definitely nothing like he portrays it to be to you. She probably has no idea he sleeps in his sons room or that they have no marriage. Every OW/MM thread that I've read on here the married guy always tells the other woman that he and his wife have no sex life or marriage! And 9/10 times it's been total BS. You're even skeptical yourself.

 

I think that in these cases, the truth is always somewhere in between ...

 

Truth is, most people do not stay in abjectly miserable situations. They're getting something out of the deal, be it social approval or remaining financially solvent ... whatever the case may be. Whatever it is they get out of the M is greater than what they would get being out of it.

[minnesotagirl]

Why is he being distant right now? You're 3 years in to an affair. Affairs are inherently stressful. Being 3 years old, it's lots some of its shiny newness. You're having some personal/health issues. You're pressuring him to be an adult and commit. Affairs are about escape for 99% of MM. Your affair is probably losing its luster, getting stressful with the on-again-off-again, and you have personal issues too. This guy isn't going to walk away from his marriage at this point if he didn't two years ago, when passion was probably at its peak.

 

Keep NC and keep your self-respect. He doesn't deserve you, he just wants the escapism.

[WestEndGirl]

Affairs are about escape for 99% of MM. Your affair is probably losing its luster, getting stressful with the on-again-off-again, and you have personal issues too. This guy isn't going to walk away from his marriage at this point if he didn't two years ago, when passion was probably at its peak.

 

I tend to agree with this. There is a window of opportunity in which MM have to take action; otherwise, lethargy and entropy settle in. Most people don't like to think that they're trading in one set of problems for another. That's not why we leave someone for another person. Yes, sometimes that person is the better choice, in retrospect. But more often than not, the MM gains certain things missing in his M and loses other aspects of his happiness, like his financial standing and society's approval. Very few of us OW are quite that awesome.