Dontknowwhattodo1234 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Hello all, I would like to get some peoples opinions. About 4 months ago me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up. We had our problems. Sometimes I wasnt the most caring person. She came home and said she was moving out. A week after she would text me random things and I didnt really respond. I ended up meeting someone and when she found out she freaked out. So we didnt talk for like a month then she text me again. I agreed to hang out with her. I found out she has been talking to other guys. I nicely said to leave me alone. It was too weird. So we didnt talk for like another month or so and then texts me on Thanksgiving. I ended up leaving this other person shortly after. Not because of my ex but cause she sucked. So since then we have been hanging out. Problem is she still talks to other guys and thats all it is. I cant get mad cause I went far beyond just talking to someone but it still bothers me. It is possible that we could get back together but she wants to keep her options open. Thing is shes over quite often, we do nice things for each other, massage each other, ect... That doesnt happen with anyone else. She wont even tell people where she lives or let anyone meet her kids. Should I see what happens or just say screw it and be done with this? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Welcome to the friend-zone... ....Where ex-girlfriends like to slot ex-boyfriends, because women are really good at platonic relationships and they can't understand for the life of them why on earth guys find this so uncomfortable, and instead get jealous/possessive, ...and where ex-boyfriends sit desperately hoping the ex-girlfriends will suddenly, miraculously come to the conclusion that 'oh my goodness! I actually love the guy after all and simply MUST go out with him again, against all odds!' Which never, ever happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OmahaDivorce Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Hi Don't know what to do: Five years is a long time and I am sure that whatever you do, it is not going to be easy. I know it would be easy to say "screw it" and be done, but it might be too early to say something like that. How do you think this girl is feeling? It is quite possible that she is scared, confused, insecure, and worried. She might think you are going to leave her and that is why she is talking with these other guys. She also might be talking with these other guys as a way to punish you for being with someone else. When my ex left me, we had been together for 7 years and it was brutal hard for me. I would be hard pressed to tell you to just throw away the past 5 years of your life but I would also be hard pressed to tell you to just "see what happens." There is a cycle: she is acting a certain way because of what you have done, and you act a certain way because of the way she is acting. You can control this cycle though. If you really want to be with her, give her every reason to know that you want to be with her. Don't let her doubt you. Texts, little gifts, a date to the movies, etc. All those little things say "I want to be with you" much louder than a huge bouquet of flowers. Let her know you were dumb. Don't expect her to respond immediately though. It will take time. She might think you're going through a phase but with consistency, she'll see you really care about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dontknowwhattodo1234 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 Hi Don't know what to do: Five years is a long time and I am sure that whatever you do, it is not going to be easy. I know it would be easy to say "screw it" and be done, but it might be too early to say something like that. How do you think this girl is feeling? It is quite possible that she is scared, confused, insecure, and worried. She might think you are going to leave her and that is why she is talking with these other guys. She also might be talking with these other guys as a way to punish you for being with someone else. When my ex left me, we had been together for 7 years and it was brutal hard for me. I would be hard pressed to tell you to just throw away the past 5 years of your life but I would also be hard pressed to tell you to just "see what happens." There is a cycle: she is acting a certain way because of what you have done, and you act a certain way because of the way she is acting. You can control this cycle though. If you really want to be with her, give her every reason to know that you want to be with her. Don't let her doubt you. Texts, little gifts, a date to the movies, etc. All those little things say "I want to be with you" much louder than a huge bouquet of flowers. Let her know you were dumb. Don't expect her to respond immediately though. It will take time. She might think you're going through a phase but with consistency, she'll see you really care about her. I do believe she still loves me and wants this to work, why else would all this be going with us now? I think this whole thing about keeping her options open is to see if things would be different between us this time. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Oh lordy, you got a dose of 'wishful thinking' real bad...... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I do believe she still loves me and wants this to work, why else would all this be going with us now? Because you're playing the game. She only wants to ensure she still has your interest. That's something severely dysfunctional right there... .....So we didnt talk for like a month then she text me again. I agreed to hang out with her. I found out she has been talking to other guys. I nicely said to leave me alone. It was too weird. So we didnt talk for like another month or so and then texts me on Thanksgiving. I ended up leaving this other person shortly after. Not because of my ex but cause she sucked. So since then we have been hanging out. Problem is she still talks to other guys and thats all it is. I cant get mad cause I went far beyond just talking to someone but it still bothers me. It is possible that we could get back together but she wants to keep her options open. Thing is shes over quite often, we do nice things for each other, massage each other, ect... That doesnt happen with anyone else. She wont even tell people where she lives or let anyone meet her kids. Should I see what happens or just say screw it and be done with this? I think this whole thing about keeping her options open is to see if things would be different between us this time. No, it's like bobbing for apples. Easier to take your pick when there's more than just one option, right? If one fails, there's always another one you can get your teeth into..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dontknowwhattodo1234 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 Because you're playing the game. She only wants to ensure she still has your interest. That's something severely dysfunctional right there... No, it's like bobbing for apples. Easier to take your pick when there's more than just one option, right? If one fails, there's always another one you can get your teeth into..... So what do you suggest I do? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 You should just let go. as per your original thread-title question. And you do that by falling off her radar completely and going No Contact. Serious question: Do you think, honestly, you have it in you to be able to do that? Because you need to find every vestige of personal will-power and strength, to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 This is actually very sad. I would think that after 5 years together you two would be able to be pretty transparent with one another, say how you both feel, what you want and send each other on your respective paths knowing that you're better off. Instead, you're both acting like people that have only dated for 2-3 months. Having some kind of chess match wonder how to maneuver around each other without actually saying what you want. I would hope that the two of you could genuinely want to see the other person happy and not simply as 'options', getting jealous and "freaking out" when the other person makes a move to be happy. I would suggest that you break it off and cut contact, not to be cruel, but to purge your system of each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dontknowwhattodo1234 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 I have cut contact before. Its not easy but it can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 We know it's not easy. If it were easy, two-thirds of this forum wouldn't exist.... But as you say - it can be done. So, here's lookin' at you, kid..... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 She's using you and you're letting her do so. She doesn't want you to see anyone else in case you totally cut her off.. but she's keeping you on the back burner in case no one better comes along. Are you happy to be plan b? The fallback guy? If you are stay where you are.... and realise that if she ends up with you..she's just 'settled' .. then when a better option comes along...... You'll be dumped. You can either: Continue being used Put an end to the so called friendship Or you can do the same as she is and have relationships with Other women.. keeping your options open. Don't waste your time with her. Move on and find a better woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAnotherLostLove Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 I kinda see only one option here. Be straight forward with her. One of two things will probably happen, you guys will part ways, or, you'll part ways briefly, and she'll come back to you shortly there after. But being the sappy-backburner guy is somewhere you definitely don't wanna be, and that's where it seems you're at now. Link to post Share on other sites
LilMama1097 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) Don't do the NC games or the "just friends" games. Be straight forward, tell her what you want. If she doesn't want the same then move on. For ****s sakes, if everyone quit the game playing and was honest, this whole relationship crap would be a hell of a lot easier. Edited December 22, 2015 by LilMama1097 Link to post Share on other sites
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