blomax Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 My STBX wife asked to separate 14 months ago. I was obviously shocked and saddened and did everything I shouldn't have done (pleading, begging) when I heard the news. After 9 months of "trying" to work on things, I filed for divorce as it felt like I wasn't in any relationships, nor working on marriage. I was just left on the sidelines --- it was a way for me to try to regain some control in my life. While I'm not "happy" I filed, it was the right decision, otherwise I would still be waiting for the papers from her today. I would still be in limbo. It's been 6 months since we filed and we're yet to finalize things, not because of any reason outside of I think prioritization. My wife isn't very communicative nor participatory at the moment and so I haven't pushed the issue. I've noticed when I do, she get's overwhelmed and tends to act out (which throws me off as I don't understand it). Another point to note. We work together. Yep, still work together. It's incredibly hard, let's just leave it at that. Especially when someone wants to work on something and the other doesn't, and there is a bit of a stalemate in terms of process. I've been careful at work about what I share with anyone, namely it's none of their business, and namely because I want us both to be successful. Work is our livelihoods and I wouldn't do anything to take that away from someone, or make it difficult. That said, there have been times when I have been incredibly frustrated with the way I've been treated --- but at no point have I thrown my STBX under the bus or talked negatively about her. There's no point in me doing that. Anyway, she's under some pressure at work (performance wise) and recently told folks that it's because of me. I assume that's it a bit of truth (I know this process is hard) and I also think it's a bit to protect herself from being let go, etc. if it came to that. I've put together an agreement for her to review and been NC for the past 2 weeks. I've felt a lot better since that has happened. I also started to feel that we were getting into a better place (in terms of emotions settling, etc). My wife reaches out to me for two things only right now: (1) when she needs something, (2) to tell me she's heard someone I said and how awful I am (paraphrasing). My question here is, I've been NC for the past 2 weeks and got a text last night (paraphrased below). Do I respond? Do I ignore it? I know I have not spoken negatively about her. Have I been frustrated at times in the process but that's different than maliciously talking negatively about someone you have wanted to work on things with. "Tonight I heard about the things you said about me at work this past year. I thought you were a better person than that. I guess not." My initial reaction is to want to respond and explain it's not true. I don't know her intention. She knows that I have asked for space (I told her I didn't want to talk outside of reconciling as it was too painful for me). So I don't know if she's just upset about me not pleading anymore, if she really believes whatever she has heard, or what. Anyway, I'm just trying to do the right thing here... Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 You can answer "I've never said anything negative about you to anyone, you heard wrong. and please stop searching excuses to contact me again". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Text back: "I totally deny having said anything about you at all. Tell me who it was. I think I have a right to defend myself, so why don't we confront them together? That would put the lie to rest. If you cannot or will not give me a name, that just goes to show you put more reliance upon hearsay, than truth." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I think the best response is to be businesslike. " If you ever hear anything that I allegedly said, know that I did not say it. Secondly, PLEASE lets get this divorce finalized so there will be no further need for any more contact." Finally, to you, stop talking about your stbx. I don't mean that I think that you badmouthed her. I mean just do not talk about her at work period. Not, she looks good. Not, she's over there. I mean literally conduct yourself at work as if she does not exist. If someone asks you a question about her, just decline to talk about her. Its not what you actually said that gets you in this boat, its what someone interprets from your words. Silence can never be misquoted. Next, get your mind right. Get some counseling or something. You sound so despondent. I may be off, but if you are done with her, the last thing you would care about is how she feels about anything you say. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I'm going to take a contrarian point of view and say don't respond, there's a "NO" in NC for a reason. Two points - - what's the value of convincing her of your POV? - almost all STBX's distort facts, revise history and misinterpret what they hear from family, friends, coworkers, etc. All just par for the course. Put it behind you and work on finishing the process... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sambolini Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I'm going to take a contrarian point of view and say don't respond, there's a "NO" in NC for a reason. Two points - - what's the value of convincing her of your POV? - almost all STBX's distort facts, revise history and misinterpret what they hear from family, friends, coworkers, etc. All just par for the course. Put it behind you and work on finishing the process... Mr. Lucky I'm in agreement with this. I think she knows she's full of it, she's just looking for an excuse to contact you and keep you on her hook. Many WAS's don't like it when they person they walked away from detaches. It seems contradictory, but it's true. No response will not allow her to sink her hooks in you. In fact, no response is best because of she texted you on company time, that could come back to bite you. Not engaging is the best for your protection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Even though I like Lolablue17's response the best, I also tend to agree with Mr. Lucky. Why explain or defend yourself regarding an untrue and huge generalization? NC is NC, period. On top of it, you are innocent of her charges. She was just trying to push your buttons and engage you. Block her. That is best message you can send, to promote your NC healing. Don't allow her to get your mind scrambled over nonsense. Once the mode of communication is removed - it makes NC life a lot easier. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 I'd simply respond with "stop contacting me - especially with gossip you believe to be true when it's not!" Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Why on earth do you want to involve yourself in an argument with her? She will drag you down to her level, and beat you with experience. NC NC NC Link to post Share on other sites
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