chloe505 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Hi everyone, Long story short, I'd like to find a way of getting my ex to give me a second chance... He broke up with me at the beginning of October after being on a 'break' for around a month. The reason for the break was that we were fighting too much and I was also quite insecure, and this affected the relationship. We had been together for around two years and the relationship was generally really good, we were happy together and have a lot of great memories. However the arguments did begin to increase a lot and we both needed time to grow. I believe the break-up was good for us. No contact began around mid-October, and continued until the 1st December. No contact was broke after we both ended up bumping into each other at a concert. We got on brilliantly - we spoke like nothing had happened, we were making jokes and laughing... it was like nothing had ever happened! The day after, he messaged me on Facebook telling me he still loves me, misses me, and went as far as to say he had been crying over the fact he left me! I got really happy as I thought I had I chance. Over the week or so, he continued sending me nice messages, until we had a minor argument a week later as he got jealous seeing me with another guy. He began to argue with me over Facebook before concluding that we simply do not get on anymore. Three weeks on from getting back in contact and no progress has been made, in fact I feel like we've taken a huge step backwards. He says that although he loves me, he feels like he cannot be with me. This is because he thinks we 'don't work' and that we 'won't get on' (although I don't believe this to be true). He's really hung up on the past and believes things won't ever change between us and I really disagree. He is telling me I need to move on and that one day, he will replace me. He got upset with me and also said we will never be together again, despite the fact I'm everything he could ever want in a girl, that I'm beautiful, that he loves and cares about me etc... Sorry for such a long story, but basically I just want to know if there's a chance of us ever getting back together? We may be meeting up again in a few weeks and I'm hopeful things will go well as we do get on amazingly together, but it's the fact he says we have no future is there any way he could change his mind? I know we could work really well as a couple, he just won't give me a chance. I'm no longer insecure like before, I've grown and learned from the break-up and the mistakes I made, but he strongly believes our relationship will be the same as before and I can't seem to change his mind. Although I'm over the break-up, I'm not over him. I can hardly think about him without wanting to cry. I'm in love with him and seriously believe we are supposed to be together. Is there anything a girl can do to get her ex to give her a second chance? Even if her ex has said there is no way that can ever happen?
fiskadoro Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 What role did you play in making him jealous, i mean, in what capacity did he see you with another guy? If he is on your facebook? Second chances happen sometimes. Recently I have been in contact with a woman I went N/C on for 11 years... she was sure she would never hear from me again, considered me the lost love of her life, etc. I contacted her after getting dumped, and I doubt things will happen, but the important thing is, the opportunity is there. In fact, I have been pleasantly surprised recently... how open several of my exes are to at least catching up. In my opinion, anyone who is willing to communicate with you is open to many possibilities. The women I have dated who are not open to me are easy to spot because they have cut off communication. Think of it like this: communication = potential. Be optimistic. That doesn't mean write a long letter or blow up his phone, however. Of course you don't wanna wait 11 years, lol. 11 days sure seems like a lot now, I bet. But you gotta figure out how to change your behavior or responses (because it's hard to change yourself) that pushed him away. And ask yourself, what about him is acceptable, and what is a dealbreaker. I am a recent convert to the Church of No Contact, but unlike a lot of new converts I am not a zealot. Don't reach out to him, but if he reaches out to you, be cordial, keep it brief, and show him that you are emotionally mature enough that he needn't fear coming to you but he needs to come to you as he is denying you big time.
Wewon Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I think that you should listen to him. You fought as a couple for a reason, you need to acknowledge that there was a reason for that. When you reconnected a minor trigger started to arguments back again. In short, you two sound as if you have grown apart. nothing wrong with that, it happens. Go back into no contact and check on each other in another 6 months.
Author chloe505 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 What role did you play in making him jealous, i mean, in what capacity did he see you with another guy? If he is on your facebook? Second chances happen sometimes. Recently I have been in contact with a woman I went N/C on for 11 years... she was sure she would never hear from me again, considered me the lost love of her life, etc. I contacted her after getting dumped, and I doubt things will happen, but the important thing is, the opportunity is there. In fact, I have been pleasantly surprised recently... how open several of my exes are to at least catching up. In my opinion, anyone who is willing to communicate with you is open to many possibilities. The women I have dated who are not open to me are easy to spot because they have cut off communication. Think of it like this: communication = potential. Be optimistic. That doesn't mean write a long letter or blow up his phone, however. Of course you don't wanna wait 11 years, lol. 11 days sure seems like a lot now, I bet. But you gotta figure out how to change your behavior or responses (because it's hard to change yourself) that pushed him away. And ask yourself, what about him is acceptable, and what is a dealbreaker. I am a recent convert to the Church of No Contact, but unlike a lot of new converts I am not a zealot. Don't reach out to him, but if he reaches out to you, be cordial, keep it brief, and show him that you are emotionally mature enough that he needn't fear coming to you but he needs to come to you as he is denying you big time. Thank you for responding! He saw me hanging out with this guy alongside a couple mutual friends, got the wrong idea and thought it was some kind of date, and as a result got jealous and kind of took it all out on me. He got pretty upset over Facebook before eventually apologizing to me and confessing that he hates thinking about me moving on. This was last Wednesday. I'm considering no contact again at least for a little while to get my head straight as I'm really confused on whether to let go or not. I guess he's blowing pretty hot and cold, since one minute he's so flirty and kind to me and then all of a sudden he's saying we have no future etc. I realise I also need to be less available as he's aware he has some degree of control over me (he knows I still have feelings for him). Since we get on so well in person, I'd love for us to meet up for coffee or something, but I'm not sure how to initiate that or even if it's a good idea?
Author chloe505 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I think that you should listen to him. You fought as a couple for a reason, you need to acknowledge that there was a reason for that. When you reconnected a minor trigger started to arguments back again. In short, you two sound as if you have grown apart. nothing wrong with that, it happens. Go back into no contact and check on each other in another 6 months. I agree on no contact, I think this could be a really good idea. I feel the reason why these arguments are occurring is because of his mixed feelings towards me? I seem to upset him pretty easily, such as if he sees me with someone else, if I don't say hi to him when I see him etc and this is why I want to initiate no contact as I believe it's stress that I don't really need in my life! Thank you for your perspective
fiskadoro Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Well, I can tell you that if you rely on no contact, that is more for trying to move on than get him back. Most people hope that no contact has the effect of making their ex miss them, and they then get the delicious option of deciding when and if to accept them back. For some reason many people would like to see the people they profess to love grovel. I admit it sounds good, but there might be repercussions for asking someone to grovel too much. Also, no contact helps both people move on, sometimes. It's really hard to say!!!! I wish there were some algebraic formula. Anyway, the other option is to manage your emotions and stay in contact. I want want want to believe in this, and I have seen it work (as a dumper and as a dumpee) but emotional maturity escapes some of us. Moreover, there is the infamous "friendzone". I've not spent much time there, but it's a popular destination for the lovelorn tourist, lol. If he is making demands of you after you have broken up, you need to tell him that the space is good for the both of you, as he has no further right to make demands/requests of you. Good luck. 1
Author chloe505 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 How old are you and your exBF? My ex and I are both 19.
BC1980 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I know we could work really well as a couple, he just won't give me a chance. I'm no longer insecure like before, I've grown and learned from the break-up and the mistakes I made, but he strongly believes our relationship will be the same as before and I can't seem to change his mind. Although I'm over the break-up, I'm not over him. I can hardly think about him without wanting to cry. I'm in love with him and seriously believe we are supposed to be together. I think it's interesting that you say you work well as couple, yet fighting and insecurity is what broke you up. Then, when you started talking to him again, it devolved into another fight. I think you FEEL that you love him, but it seems that you don't work well enough as a couple to work through all of this. Sometimes, we feel something very deeply that makes no sense objectively. It sounds like the dynamic you two have does not work well, no matter what you feel for him. You definitely can't do anything to change his mind. While you might be willing to work on the issues, it's a two way street. You can't make him want to work at a relationship. You just can't. I think what probably happened is that he saw you at the concert, started remembering the good times, but, when he actually started interacting with you, he remembered that the dynamic between you two is not functional for him. What kind of meet up are you having in two weeks?
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