Nimue Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) So, here is the thing... Whenever I try to flirt with a guy I pass as too aggressive or desperate (not sure which). Even when the guy has approached me first it somehow doesn't work. But when I lay low, I am generally approached by guys I don't like, plus I miss any chance with the shy guys. And when I try the middle road, I come out as friendly, but the non-exiting type of friend. I am not very flirty in general, so I can't figure what I'm doing wrong (appearance isn't an issue, I'm just not much of a heels-and-makeup sort of girl) Any tips? Edited December 18, 2015 by Nimue Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Focus on being warm. Smile. Offer a casual touch. Make the other person feel comfortable & maintain eye contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 Thanks! I'll keep that in mind Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Heels and makeup never worked for me. (I`m a Fella) I love humour when approached. Even the odd funny put down has me smiling. Don`t be too serious. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 I'm just not much of a heels-and-makeup sort of girl) Any tips? You've tried the other stuff. Now try what's been proven since the dawn of man. Put on the heels and make up. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 You've tried the other stuff. Now try what's been proven since the dawn of man. Put on the heels and make up. look at it this way - putting on heels and make up IS the first move. Link to post Share on other sites
ltjg45 Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 You've tried the other stuff. Now try what's been proven since the dawn of man. Put on the heels and make up. I wouldn't force that strategy though. After all, it will just increase the number of guys approaching her that she doesn't want. My only suggestion is to actually approach him yourself if you are willing. If he actually thinks you are being too aggressive, let him go and look for others because I find that "reason" (or an excuse in my eyes) to be quite insulting. If you are not the kind of person to constantly approach guys, just make yourself as open as possible and be flirty. If you are not a heels kind of woman, then don't do it. All it will do is make yourself even more uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
youdunsay Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Sorry not to intervene your thread but I am also facing the same situation. I saw this guy whom have been seeing me in the fitness club for almost half a year. We always have eye contact and I smiled briefly (while more like awkwardly) whenever we see each other. But he has NEVER approach. Is it because he's also socially awkward or shy like me or he expects me to make the first move? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 I saw this guy whom have been seeing me in the fitness club for almost half a year. We always have eye contact and I smiled briefly (while more like awkwardly) whenever we see each other. But he has NEVER approach. Is it because he's also socially awkward or shy like me or he expects me to make the first move? Only smiling after all this time perpetuates polite but reserved & signals to him that he's not welcome to take it further. Try actually saying hi next time. Somebody has to break the ice. Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 So, here is the thing... Whenever I try to flirt with a guy I pass as too aggressive or desperate (not sure which). Even when the guy has approached me first it somehow doesn't work. But when I lay low, I am generally approached by guys I don't like, plus I miss any chance with the shy guys. And when I try the middle road, I come out as friendly, but the non-exiting type of friend. I am not very flirty in general, so I can't figure what I'm doing wrong (appearance isn't an issue, I'm just not much of a heels-and-makeup sort of girl) Any tips? You don't need heels and make-up. If you're interested in a guy, why not ask him to get a cup of coffee? Be direct, because he could miss your signals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 You don't need heels and make-up. If you're interested in a guy, why not ask him to get a cup of coffee? Be direct, because he could miss your signals. I'm all for her making the approach. The heels and make up will make him more likely to accept. Link to post Share on other sites
HillValley Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 So, here is the thing... Whenever I try to flirt with a guy I pass as too aggressive or desperate (not sure which). Even when the guy has approached me first it somehow doesn't work. But when I lay low, I am generally approached by guys I don't like, plus I miss any chance with the shy guys. And when I try the middle road, I come out as friendly, but the non-exiting type of friend. I am not very flirty in general, so I can't figure what I'm doing wrong (appearance isn't an issue, I'm just not much of a heels-and-makeup sort of girl) Any tips? It's hard to be definitive without knowing some other factors of these situations. But i would probably guess you're flirting without clear intent. When a guy wants a girl, the physical aspect is key. He's going to put his body near her. He's not going to make eye contact with other people in the room, and he's probably going to leave his friends/group to get her alone. Smiling doesn't mean crap in 2015. The same way getting a phone number in 2015 doesn't mean anything. A girl will give you her number just to get rid of you and never answer her phone. Or she'll text you cause she can but stonewall anything else and then ghost. Desperate and aggressive aren't opposites of each other. They're usually the same when used on the wrong person. So again, just guessing, it's probably just awkward cause you aren't sure about the guy's response to your advances. In your head you're expecting some obvious signs back but not getting it maybe? Calling yourself the "not exciting friend" is simply projecting. We have all kinds of friends. Most guys would love to date a laid-back girl who he feels comfortable with. People are multi-faceted. You don't need to be jumping over canyons to be exciting to a guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 Thanks for all your replies :3 You may have a point about the heels-and-makeup strategy...however I can't do it all the time (it's not really my thing, plus needs time and money I don't have) But I can use it to make my point if I find one special person to like ^^ Haydn - I can be funny when I'm relaxed, I guess that's why I attract people every time I don't pay attention... mystery solved, haha Itjg45 I think you are onto something, to spice up my style with some flirty flavor is easier than trying to put the moves on certain people-it'll come out more natural that way. I'm starting to realize that I'm not relaxed when I flirt, and my insecurity shows a lot - surely not the message I want to transmit, and probably the reason I don't attract the types I want. I bet a general change of attitude from the inside will help more than a flirt-centered strategy. Youdynsay - Whatever happens, you will either get your man, or you'll be free to think about someone else. I can't really advise you (the other guys here do it much better), but good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) It's hard to be definitive without knowing some other factors of these situations. But i would probably guess you're flirting without clear intent. When a guy wants a girl, the physical aspect is key. He's going to put his body near her. He's not going to make eye contact with other people in the room, and he's probably going to leave his friends/group to get her alone. Smiling doesn't mean crap in 2015. The same way getting a phone number in 2015 doesn't mean anything. A girl will give you her number just to get rid of you and never answer her phone. Or she'll text you cause she can but stonewall anything else and then ghost. Desperate and aggressive aren't opposites of each other. They're usually the same when used on the wrong person. So again, just guessing, it's probably just awkward cause you aren't sure about the guy's response to your advances. In your head you're expecting some obvious signs back but not getting it maybe? Calling yourself the "not exciting friend" is simply projecting. We have all kinds of friends. Most guys would love to date a laid-back girl who he feels comfortable with. People are multi-faceted. You don't need to be jumping over canyons to be exciting to a guy. Hmm, here are 1-2 things I've never thought about. I've been encouraged lots of times to be more talkative or more outgoing or more of a party animal, so I've forgotten I may not need to be hyper or perfect to be liked. Ok, I always chase my better self, but you know what I mean. It is a good realization. Also I've never thought that a smile and a phone number may mean nothing. I'll keep what you said in mind Edited December 20, 2015 by Nimue Link to post Share on other sites
HillValley Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Hmm, here are 1-2 things I've never thought about. I've been encouraged lots of times to be more talkative or more outgoing or more of a party animal, so I've forgotten I may not need to be hyper or perfect to be liked. Ok, I always chase my better self, but you know what I mean. It is a good realization. Be you. Better yourself for yourself. If you want to be more talkative, you don't need to do that with just men. It's a skill you can practice with other women, too. People who are successful with social situations aren't just successful with the opposite sex. Don't pretend to be into sports to get a guy. He'll eventually be able to tell cause you won't be able to keep it up and it will be awkward. Now for example, if you say, want to get into MMA or kickboxing or yoga or whatever, then you'll give yourself something to talk about in terms of athletic interest that you can honestly use in conversation Also I've never thought that a smile and a phone number may mean nothing. I'll keep what you said in mind It means what you want it to mean. Guys have had girls ghost on them or take days to reply so if you give him your number, make sure to reply in a decent time if he text you. You don't need to be aggressive/desperate by texting him every five minutes or replying with really long awkward messages.. Just show that replying is a priority(people can stand in a 30 minute line for Starbucks cause they have to have that coffee but will wait 8 hours to reply to a text?) Edited December 20, 2015 by HillValley Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Just straight up ask a guy you're interested to do something with you. If he's attracted to you he'll say yes. If you get rejected you can now know how it feels for men who've been going through that for millennia. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
youdunsay Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Thanks Nimue, and I feel we are kind of alike. Good luck and I believe you can do it. Donnivain, I firmly believe that guys should always make the first move. I think it shows pretty much his character, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) lino - Silly, I already know the feeling XD My most straightforward confession was towards a guy I liked for 2 years... I messed up REALLY bad, of course, due to the bottled-up emotions, and got turned down so bad that I got kicked further than the friendzone - we never talked since then (we were friends). It's been years, so it doesn't hurt anymore, but it was something that toughened me up (and had to be done). After that I improved, but guys still back off when I pass the message, subtly or not, which is why I were asking here. You'd think that liking someone back is a crime in flirting. Maybe guys think that agreeing to a first date will lead to an easy relationship, where they won't have to chase and win the girl? I am great at playing shy little girl, I actually used it to raise sales in my previous job, but I prefer to be seen as someone who isn't that easy to control (it's more fun and honest ) youdunsay - Well, I don't completely agree. I like men with a strong character, but I don't think that making the first move is the only way to show that. After all, sometimes guys are just clueless - and we women have to prove our own character too, right? Edited December 20, 2015 by Nimue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 youdunsay - Well, I don't completely agree. I like men with a strong character, but I don't think that making the first move is the only way to show that. After all, sometimes guys are just clueless - and we women have to prove our own character too, right? Amen. People misread signals all of the time. 30% of the posts on this particular forum are "Does he/she like me?" threads. Some men barely have the guts to speak to a woman, let alone read whatever subtle gestures they are trying to convey. Likewise women think men have these subtle, machiavellian manipulations when they are pretty straightforward. Men have to swallow their pride to ask women out and handle possible rejection and embarrassment. Women can't do the same? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Men have to swallow their pride to ask women out and handle possible rejection and embarrassment. Women can't do the same? Some do...but not the majority, I think. But I think many men also freak out when the "man chases woman" fairytale doesn't play out. It must be the society's archetypes we are lead to follow since youth - it makes things simple at first, but it often doesn't work out. On the other side, I've never been the type to expect the prince to come get me, not even when I were in the primary school, so maybe it's just a personality thing? Btw women do handle rejection and embarrassment, too, but usually not in that certain point. When he doesn't notice her despite her efforts and/or chases another woman for example...and we can get friendzoned too. Edited December 20, 2015 by Nimue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Very commendable of the OP to have this mindset 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 lino - Silly, I already know the feeling XD My most straightforward confession was towards a guy I liked for 2 years... I messed up REALLY bad, of course, due to the bottled-up emotions, and got turned down so bad that I got kicked further than the friendzone - we never talked since then (we were friends). It's been years, so it doesn't hurt anymore, but it was something that toughened me up (and had to be done). After that I improved, but guys still back off when I pass the message, subtly or not, which is why I were asking here. You'd think that liking someone back is a crime in flirting. The confession was the problem. It's too much pressure. Neither gender needs to open with "I have had a crush on you for the longest time." The only thing worse that that is an ILY out of left field when you are not dating the person. Never ever confess. It's OK to flirt. It's even OK to make the 1st move & do the asking but keep it neutral. "Do you want to grab a drink with me on Tuesday?" Verbally vomiting your intimate feelings makes sane people run because it makes it seem like you have no boundaries. Asking for the date by definition implies that you are romantically interested in the person. There is no need to beat them over the head with that fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) Very commendable of the OP to have this mindset Thanks! (At least I got that part right, haha ^^) Never ever confess. It's OK to flirt. It's even OK to make the 1st move & do the asking but keep it neutral. "Do you want to grab a drink with me on Tuesday?" Verbally vomiting your intimate feelings makes sane people run because it makes it seem like you have no boundaries. Asking for the date by definition implies that you are romantically interested in the person. There is no need to beat them over the head with that fact. It was the first and last time I did a confession like that, but it's good you reminded me I should not repeat that. So, flirting and letting feelings show it's not the same thing? I don't mean any extreme feelings, like love - but if you have already spoken to someone 1-2 times and feel there is a valid possibility to connect with them, should you conceal the fact you already feel attracted? Saying "oh hey, you look like a cool guy, let's hang out" and acting too relaxed sounds like asking for a buddy to friendzone, right? I tend to smile more, talk warmer and keep more eye contact than I do with people I want for just friends, and try to see how he responds... Wrong tactic? Maybe that makes them feel uncomfortable? (I think I do keep it natural...I don't bat my eyes and stuff ) Edited December 21, 2015 by Nimue Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 The confession was the problem. It's too much pressure. Neither gender needs to open with "I have had a crush on you for the longest time." The only thing worse that that is an ILY out of left field when you are not dating the person. Never ever confess. It's OK to flirt. It's even OK to make the 1st move & do the asking but keep it neutral. "Do you want to grab a drink with me on Tuesday?" Verbally vomiting your intimate feelings makes sane people run because it makes it seem like you have no boundaries. Asking for the date by definition implies that you are romantically interested in the person. There is no need to beat them over the head with that fact. As a guy, I wouldn't have had a problem with a girl saying "I have had a crush on you for the longest time." Women might find that creepy, but men might appreciate a woman being so straightforward. However, I DO see d0nnivain's endgame: asking a guy out for coffee is a bit less enthusiastic and more restrained, but it works too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nimue Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 Thx! I were almost lead to believe being assertive is a bad thing ^^ I do sweat a lot over which battle to choose though! It's like I have a wardrobe of possible troubles and always have to "wear" the best The book looks nice! Thx for the suggestion (I didn't know it was so obvious I'm an introvert, lol) Link to post Share on other sites
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