Made the mistake of leaving the love of my life...regretting the decision 10 fold

[saintjimmy]

NOTE: Im reposting this thread because I can't edit my other one to make it more readable.

 

Basic Information: Both 23yo, Exclusive to each other for 4 years, I broke it off out of anger over the computer. (which I didnt want to do)

 

I'm in a real crappy situation. I am in love with the woman I've been with for the past 4 years, but I made the terrible mistake of letting her go. And I can't fix it this time. I basically called it off out of anger back in early October, and this was over the computer; so after that we didn't talk or see each other for 2-3 weeks. She emailed me, but I ignored it for the time being because I was still trying to cool off and I didn't want to say anything rude or mean or degrading since I was still mad. But I think thats where my first mistake was...I should of just answered so we'd still be talking. Either way, in the third week, I didn't like the way things were. I had asked my psychiatrist to take me off my Prozac meds (for depression and anxiety) because our relationship was going downhill because those pills basically took away my sense of self. I became a totally different person. I was cold, mean and distant. Who I am now hates who I've been.

 

So after being off the pills, my emotions and feelings start rolling back in. I start to feel like my self again and I try to go and see her to talk. But she never came out of her house. I begged, I pleaded, I apologized, I wanted to talk and make things right. I brought her flowers. I wanted to at least start something fresh and new. But she never came out. All she did was say I was harassing her, and how people break up and just move on and that made me feel like garbage, I couldn't move on after just 3 weeks... I sped away just crying my eyes out and wondering what I was to do next. I ended up just going home and crying for the rest of the night. The next few days were very dark times for me that I don't want to repeat here. So fast forward to November, this is when our anniversary was. I emailed her.

 

To summarize my email, I basically poured my heart out to her, said I apologized and that said I made a mistake. Told her this isn't what I wanted us to end up like. It ended up being 3-4 pages long. I brought up all of our precious and beautiful memories that made us believe we were meant to be. She needed to be reminded because all she is and still doing is holding onto the bad memories. She responded to my e-mail the night of thanksgiving via her tumblr.

Her response:

 

Today would have been our 4 year anniversary. Don’t think I had forgotten. I wish I could. I was thankful it was Thanksgiving so that I was surrounded by family all day as a distraction. But you crossed my mind several times. I always remember our first date and how messy but wonderful it was. And I remember our first anniversary where you gave me the infinity ring and expressed how much I truly meant to you. It all seems like a dream and feels so long ago at the same time.

 

As I sit here writing this I’m fighting myself from crying because I don’t want to. Personally, I don’t want to feel anything for you anymore. But, I guess it isn’t that simple after loving someone so deeply for four years.

I read your email and it made me cry. You made me relive so many happy memories in those few minutes I read it. And for a moment all I wanted was to cry in your arms. But then I remember how hurt I am. How hurt I’ve been. And how hurt I was. It’s so easy to fall back into the good times and forget the bad. But there are, and I believe always will be, those little reminders in the back of my mind of all the terrible times. After this time, I don’t think I will ever be able to recover.

 

When we broke up all I wanted to do was find someone else to get my mind off of you. But it isn’t that simple. Every day I remembered you as much as I wanted to block it out. Four years doesn’t just disappear in a day…a week…a month…2 months almost.

 

Right now, I feel like I can’t be with anyone. Not you. Not anyone. And I don’t know how to explain that after all I wanted was you for so long. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And lately I feel like I keep trying to be someone I’m not…but maybe I need to in order to find myself?

I feel like I’m on this gigantic journey in life. And I feel like I need to do it alone.

This could possibly be the biggest mistake I ever make to let you go. And it’s a huge risk. But I think this is what I need to do. I want us both to be happy by whatever means necessary. Whether we find each other again someday, I don’t know. Whether we end up with other people (which kills me to say), I don’t know. I feel like I really don’t know anything anymore, and it’s really scary.

 

Like I said, I am on this journey to find myself and who I am and what happiness means. And I need to do this on my own.

You will always be in my heart every step of the way. I’ll forever love you, Steve.

 

It hurt me so much to read this, especially on Thanksgiving. I tried to talk to her after reading that but the conversation did not go anywhere. She said sh didnt think she could do us anymore. Our arguments were heartbreaking and distracting. It was too toxic. I tried everything to convince her that we can be cured, because I know we can.

 

Couple days ago, I sent her another e-mail just stating my case again.

 

Look, I know I was a douche and a jerk and every other word there is for a ****ty person, but i really do apologize and I have to tell you that I have changed. Really, I didn't mean to ignore you for those three weeks, I was just so mad and I needed time to cool off. I never stopped thinking about you though, i never stopped loving you. But' Ive changed for the better, I picked up all the pieces and honestly put myself back together. I realized everything that was going on between us was a product of my own personal unhappiness. I just so happen to of taken out all my frustrations and anger out on you.

 

I said so many terrible things, things I shouldn't of said. Things I shouldn't of thought about saying. But its something that has happened, and it will stay in the past where it belongs. They always say we hurt the people we love the most. And I did, I hurt the person who means the most to me. The person I love. The person I care for with every fiber of my being.

 

We may have fallen apart because of me, but please trust me, believe in me like you once did, I want to build us back up again. I will be the first one to tell you I was wrong. All relationships go through hell, but its the real ones that get through it. I think back to all the arguments and fights, and I honestly just laugh because they were so stupid. I'll admit I was also stupid for blowing them out of proportion. And I know we aren't really together, its been a painful three months almost but I really do feel deep down in my heart, with the utmost confidence that we can get through this. We can get through this and come out of it stronger. Stronger together. If we can get this through this, anything is possible.

 

The worst possible thing to do is to give up completely right now. The worst thing to do is forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. I was looking to change into a person I totally wasn't. It couldn't happen. Because I am who I am. My past has molded me into who I am and I can't change that in a blink of an eye. We can change subtle things about ourselves to make our lives a little more tolerable and enjoyable, but we can't change our entire personality just like that at this point in our lives. I tried to do that and my whole world came crashing down and I ended up caving. I will always be [my name]. The one Cortney introduced you to in 2011 at the lazer tag place, the mustang-loving, kind hearted, loving boy you know. The one who gave you a beautiful white-gold-because-he-knew-about-your-gold-allergy infinity ring to signify your importance to him, which still holds to this day. The one who promised to love you always and forever. Not that pseudo pile of **** you once knew these past months. It wasn't me. I don't and I won't give up on you. and I know that isn't you either. You dont give up this quickly. You don't give up on love this easily. And I don't either. Even if it did seem like I was giving up, I really didn't. I was just being a coward and running away from my true feelings. That was then, It's not the case now.

 

I've pulled myself together, despite this whole thing, I did really awesome this semester. I really feel like I have a knack for this stuff I'm doing considering I've gotten all A's in my classes. It really feels as if things are looking up as far as my goals in life go. I'm content, but I am missing a piece, and that piece is you. The more days that go by, the more I miss you. and no, not the idea of you. I honestly miss [her name]. I miss my beautiful partner. I miss my support system. I miss my home. I miss my reason. You are all those things to me. You and school will be my priority. Our issues can and will fade to nothing. No more yelling. No more cursing. No more games. No more bull**** with other people, because really in the end, they aren't the ones you come home to. They aren't the ones you spend all your time with. They aren't the ones who will be by your side all the way throughout life. These people aren't the people you kiss in front of the tree in Manhattan. These aren't the people who will cuddle with you when its cold. These aren't the people who are going to hold you close and tell you everything is going to be okay when times are tough. They aren't going to be the ones who you look into their eyes and say you love them. These people cannot replace you. And they never will. You're the one I want to be with, not just as a girlfriend, but as a life partner. I don't care if you're my first girlfriend or my hundredth. You are my future and I cannot believe I made the terrible mistake of letting go of my future just like that. You may feel as if things could never be okay, but they can. We just need to try. Four years is too much time to just throw away so easily. It's been so long, I've learned so much from this, I never want to let you go ever again. It's a promise I want to keep. Forever. Please give me this last chance. I love you.

 

She's read the e-mail 12 times since i've sent it.

 

The last time I texted her on my cellphone was on November 30th where I basically apologized for being overbearing and said "I hope we speak soon."

 

And I do understand I may be overbearing, and clingy and whatnot. But you all have to understand is that I love this human being. She means the world to me. She's the one. She's the only one I care for. It would kill me to see her end up with someone else when I know that in my heart, we belong together. We might of fought, and argued and said things we didn't mean. But it never changed the fact we still love each other.

 

I will be the first to admit that yes, I was a total prick at sometimes during the relationship, and its only for me to be blamed. I stopped caring, i stopped the little things. Because all I did was focus on our bad times. But like, I can't be like that anymore. Something happened in my head that changed or snapped or whatever. Changed my way of thinking. All I want to do now is love, and care and make her happy. I've never been so honest in my life. I've never fought this hard for something.

 

I know they say, once someone breaks up with you, they'll do it over and over again. But, honestly, deep down, I don't believe I would ever do this to her again. All this pain I've gone through, all the fights and arguments that I wanted to win. They weren't worth it. They weren't worth losing her over.

 

and If I had to say if I learned anything from this, is that I've learned her pain. I've felt how she felt when she was with me. I feel so terrible. So terrible that I could hurt someone so dear to me. Why do we always realize our mistakes when it's too late?

 

We haven't seen each other face-to-face since the breakup on the computer. Is she just afraid? Is her heart and head fighting each other? I understand she'll have doubts, but guys really, I do not want to do this again. I know words are merely words.

 

I have her favorite flowers being sent her way this Sunday to her job, in hopes to initiate some kind of contact. Because, while I've been told my emails are beautiful and heartfelt. They are just words to her. Actions speak louder than words. I have to prove to her that I am the guy she once loved. My glimmer of hope will not die. I believe in her so much. I believe in us.

 

At this point, I'm just wanting forgiveness if anything.. This is eating me up inside so bad. If she wants to work things out that's great. But if she doesn't, it'll have to be something I come to terms with. I know exes are supposed to be banes of existence, but I dunno. I feel like me and her are different. If I can't get her forgiveness...how could I ever forgive myself?

 

It's so easy to hate someone. I could hate her for ignoring me, but I can't. I just can't. Doesn't matter how hard I try. I just can't do it. I feel like I'm more in-love with the girl than I ever was. We all know the saying. You never appreciate something/someone until they're gone.

 

I'm sorry for this being so long. I thank you all in advance for the responses.

Edited December 18, 2015 by saintjimmy
added a sentence

[Amelie1980]

She has said your relationship is toxic. She says she cant do it anymore. You think the relationship be "cured".

 

A relationship shouldn't be a toxic mess that needs curing.

 

You've been together 19-23. first relationships rarely last even "normal" ones.

 

Let this one go. It doesn't work and she's told you she doesn't want to do it.

Edited December 19, 2015 by Amelie1980

[cichlids]

She knows what you want and what you think and she doesn't want any part of it.

 

Just leave her alone already.

[sandylee1]

Wow.. you really are in love... but she's not in a place to be with you right now. Continue working on yourself and focus on your studies...... there's no need to make further contact with her..as it will seem like you are forcing her to be with you. Just let it be.

 

If she ever contacts you again and you get together.... then you better worship and treat her right for as long as you're together. .. if she doesn't, then accept that your actions in dumping her via computer and ignoring her, plus all the other horrible stuff you haven't mentioned were too much and the damage is done.

 

If she were my daughter .... I'd tell her not to get back with you... because I don't want to see her disrespected like you did or to see her hurt so badly. I'd tell her a man who truly loved her would not have acted like a kid and BU in that manner and then ignored her.

 

Her family will know the pain you have put her through and as her mother..... I'd personally either want her to move on.. because it could be repeated. You will have a lot of work with her family if she ever decides to give you a second chance.

 

If you suffer from a mental health condition. ....she may think it's more than she can handle.

[Amelie1980]

Wow.. you really are in love... but she's not in a place to be with you right now. Continue working on yourself and focus on your studies...... there's no need to make further contact with her..as it will seem like you are forcing her to be with you. Just let it be.

 

If she ever contacts you again and you get together.... then you better worship and treat her right for as long as you're together. .. if she doesn't, then accept that your actions in dumping her via computer and ignoring her, plus all the other horrible stuff you haven't mentioned were too much and the damage is done.

 

If she were my daughter .... I'd tell her not to get back with you... because I don't want to see her disrespected like you did or to see her hurt so badly. I'd tell her a man who truly loved her would not have acted like a kid and BU in that manner and then ignored her.

 

Her family will know the pain you have put her through and as her mother..... I'd personally either want her to move on.. because it could be repeated. You will have a lot of work with her family if she ever decides to give you a second chance.

 

If you suffer from a mental health condition. ....she may think it's more than she can handle.

 

I dont think he is in love.

 

It sounds like obsession.

[sandylee1]

I dont think he is in love.

 

It sounds like obsession.

 

You're probably right.

 

It seems the OP cannot bear her to be with anyone else.

[Captivating]

Hi,

Give her space !! You wrote those wonderful letters for her, let her process it.

It's her turn. Don't bother her at all. It might take months, be patient.

[Hopeful714]

Didn't read this whole thread but I read enough.

The damage is done. She won't be back, and she decided that after you gave her the silent treatment. She was done.

 

Now that you can't speak with her, your feeling what she felt when you did this to her. Doesn't feel too good huh?

 

Live with the consequences for your actions and leave her alone. Learn from this mistake and never make it again, or expect the same from the next girl.