Is it possible for me to have a girlfriend before I turn age 40?

[BasementDweller]

Background:

-- age: almost 37

-- living situation: live with my parents outside Boston region

-- Work/Job situation: work a few days a week for $ 12 an hour, no chance of a raise nor promotion, have been at the job for almost a decade

-- appearance: My looks are a mixture of Mr. Rogers (60%) with a bit of Ray Romano (everybody loves raymond) 30% with a pinch of Bob Saget (danny tanner) 10%

(note on appearance) - around age 32, a few gray hairs started to appear and that rate has increased as I am now near 37

-- car : I drive a small hybrid car, with power windows, door locks, A/C

 

QUESTION:

Is it possible for me to have a girlfriend before age 40?

 

 

Relationship Experience:

In October of 2000, while at home and on AOL Instant Messenger chatting with a male friend of mine who was at his college library, he got up from the library computer and walked away, without shutting down the message window. Unbeknownst to me, a girl sat down at the computer and carried on the conversation. A few days later, the boy introduced me to this girl in the parking lot of a major grocery store, at which point we then went to a diner and to a local bowling alley.

 

Weeks later, on November 23rd, 2000, this girl invited me to her house for Thanksgiving Dinner. (( My parents were on vacation at the Vatican, since Pope John Paul II was in poor health and about to be diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, my parents decided that seeing the Pope alive would take precedence over a family Thanksgiving dinner that year ))

 

There were some awkward moments that evening which resulted in me never seeing the girl again.

Since the girl lived in a condominium complex, and with the visitor’s parking lot being full for the holiday, I was forced to park in a Fire Lane, and thus had to remain very close to the front window of the unit the entire night to keep a close eye on my car, in case a tow truck appeared. (Technically, it was my parents’ car, since they were on vacation overseas and did not need a car, I drove the family car to the dinner in an odd attempt to impress this girl and her family and I would need that car days later to pick my parents up at the airport, so it was imperative that it was not towed.)

After dinner, the girl fell asleep on the couch while watching TV. When the 6p.m. local nightly news came on, the mother was interested in viewing the top story and asked me to turn up the volume, since I was sitting beside her daughter, and her daughter was asleep with the TV remote in the daughter’s personal space. So, I had to reach over to retrieve the TV remote, however, upon obtaining the TV remote, I was unable to locate the “volume” buttons. In the 15 years which have passed, I have realized the problem was that since the Channel and Volume buttons are the most commonly used buttons, the white paint had worn away on those buttons, leading me to be unable to find them on the remote. Needless to say, the mother missed the story she was interested in.

While the daughter was asleep, the mother asked me about the upcoming Christmas season and how she wanted to purchase an in-dash CD player for the daughter’s VW Passat car. VWs of that era were plagued with electrical issues, and hence the radio was dead. I told the mother I had very little knowledge about mobile electronics, and I could see the disappointment in the mother’s face.

Also, after dinner, I was asked to move furniture upstairs. Since the mother was a single-mother, there was a lack of males in the household, and thus my presence afforded an opportunity for furniture to be moved. To keep the upstairs carpet clean, I took off my shoes and ascended the staircase in my socks, producing no noticeable noise, and it turned out that the mother was changing her clothes from her holiday clothes into sweatpants in which to move furniture in. Since I tend to walk with my head down, I luckily did not see anything, however, it was just one more awkward moment of the night, which made the 30 minutes of furniture moving to be very awkward.

The silver lining to the cloud that night was that the family car was not towed, and my parents never found out that it was used for social purposes during their absence.

I would never see the girl again, nor would I talk to any girls from that time on, and thus have never been on a date since November of 2000.

 

 

Also, a poor educational decision would leave me unable to leave the house between the years 2004-2008, the “dark years” of my life where depression and anxiety left me unable to accomplish simple tasks and a lack of sunlight started to make my skin peel off, a problem I no longer experience.

 

 

In late November of 2015, I worked up the courage to drive 1300 miles to Graceland, and was provided much time on the backroads of America to wonder if it would be possible for me to have a girlfriend before I turn age 40.

 

Main Question:

Is it possible for me to have a girlfriend before age 40?

 

Secondary Question:

Should I move into a small house, in need of some general upkeep, on the fringes of a dangerous inner-city with another guy in an attempt to establish some distance between myself and my parental unit ?

 

Tertiary Question:

Should I sell my small 2-seater hybrid car and instead purchase a small SUV/truck in an attempt to display a more manly image to prospective females?

 

Quaternary Question:

During the past 20 years, I have formed a somewhat unhealthy obsession with the band U2 which has resulted me in putting posters and pictures of Bono on my bedroom walls and spending countless hours watching the 1985 LiveAid concert...; is it time for me to remove these posters and end my obsession ??

[No_Go]

Oh you wrote a novel... I admit I just skimmed the details, but yes, it is possible to get a GF:

1) start dating (OLD is a good start)

2) be upfront on the dates, act yourself

3) preferably move out with a roommate or alone - learn and show independence

4) car and band preferences are irrelevant

 

My BF was 37 when we met and with close to zero relationship experience, it didn't bother me (he was upfront why it is the case with me, and it made sense)

[d0nnivain]

No longer living with your parents is a good idea but how feasible is that in a city like Boston when you make $12 / hour? Can you get a better paying job with another company? If you do have to start paying rent, will you have disposable income to date?

 

The kind of car you drive doesn't matter. Concentrate on your living situation not your vehicle.

 

You start a relationship by talking to people. OLD might be a good idea too.

[No_Go]

Oh I missed the point he's in Boston ... Rents are bloody, except maybe in Dorchester or similar. With 1-2 roommates, less desirable neighborhood, and good money management skills probably can work, but it will be a push...

 

No longer living with your parents is a good idea but how feasible is that in a city like Boston when you make $12 / hour? Can you get a better paying job with another company? If you do have to start paying rent, will you have disposable income to date?

 

The kind of car you drive doesn't matter. Concentrate on your living situation not your vehicle.

 

You start a relationship by talking to people. OLD might be a good idea too.

[BasementDweller]

 

No longer living with your parents is a good idea but how feasible is that in a city like Boston when you make $12 / hour? Can you get a better paying job with another company? If you do have to start paying rent, will you have disposable income to date?

 

The kind of car you drive doesn't matter. Concentrate on your living situation not your vehicle.

 

You start a relationship by talking to people. OLD might be a good idea too.

 

 

I would agree with you on the living situation, making $12 an hour means it is currently in my best interest to be at home with my parents. I could probably ask for a raise up to $13 an hour, but I don't want to strain the workplace relationship.

 

I cannot get a better paying job as I like the job I currently have and have no desire to leave.

 

Based on your input, I am tending to keep my hybrid car, as it saves me money on gasoline.

 

 

Do you think the following 5-step action plan might help my prospects?

- Go to the gym 5 days a week

- Go back to school and become a C.P.A.

- Purchase a classic car

- Have my parents leave me the house in their will

- Join an adult tennis league (after spending 1-year at the gym)

 

Do you think accomplishing those tasks might make it possible for me to have a date before I turn 40 ??

[clia]

I would agree with you on the living situation, making $12 an hour means it is currently in my best interest to be at home with my parents. I could probably ask for a raise up to $13 an hour, but I don't want to strain the workplace relationship.

 

I cannot get a better paying job as I like the job I currently have and have no desire to leave.

 

So, it's not that you can't find a better paying, full time job. It's that you don't want to.

 

Do you think the following 5-step action plan might help my prospects?

- Go to the gym 5 days a week

- Go back to school and become a C.P.A.

- Purchase a classic car

- Have my parents leave me the house in their will

- Join an adult tennis league (after spending 1-year at the gym)

 

Do you think accomplishing those tasks might make it possible for me to have a date before I turn 40 ??

 

What will help you is to get a full time job and to move out of your parents' house.

[BasementDweller]

 

 

So, it's not that you can't find a better paying, full time job. It's that you don't want to.

 

What will help you is to get a full time job and to move out of your parents' house.

 

 

 

I might be trapped at my $ 12 hour part-time job. If I go and get a masters degree, I won't be able to hold down a full-time job during the process.

 

 

I think if I had a Masters degree, it might help me have a girlfriend before I turn age 40.

 

 

I am worried that if I wait until I am after 40 years of age, I might be too old at that point to ever go on a date. I have yet to hold hands or to kiss a female (besides my mom and aunt) or to go on a 1-on-1 date with a female.

 

 

I wear a 34-waist sized pants, I think if I go to the gym periodically over the next 12-months, I could get back to wearing a 32-inch sized pants and that might also help my chances. I also think having a classic car would help my chances.

 

 

I have to finalize my Master Plan before the year 2016 begins, I only have days in which to establish this plan, so any help you can provide helps.

[craw]

Why would u need to go get a master's?

[BasementDweller]

Why would u need to go get a master's?

 

I am operating under the assumption that a degree and a career would help me go on my first real date before I turn age 40.

 

 

I would like it to be a fun date, perhaps a session of mini-golfing, then dinner at an upscale restaurant, I don't think Applebees is going to be sufficient for a first date at this age range, I want things to go well, and I want to pay for all of it.

[newmoon]

there are a lot of guys in far worse off situations than you that manage to get laid and find a woman well before 37. you've got some social issues holding you back, fix those and worry less about your living/financial/car situation. being an interesting person with conversational ability and the ability to actually 'go' on a date and show someone a good time will be more of a benefit than moving, re-educating, working out, etc. lots of dudes are jobless in their parents' basement, but they have 'game' and can talk to women. work less on you and more on that stuff - social interaction(s)

[Snakechammah]

Dear Basement Dweller,

You write very well and I've enjoyed reading your posts.

 

One thing you need to remember is that.. you need to start living fabulously for YOU, not because the end goal is to find a date.

 

Dates...women...sex are all secondary to your ultimate happiness. You need to start living a GREAT life for YOU. For your own satisfaction and happiness... before you can consider seeking out the other aspects (finding a partner, buying a home, etc).

 

First and foremost, you need to change your mindset about your situation. Improving your work situation is the best start. Being financially stable is always a good base to launch other dreams. Are you able to find a job, where you can continually get a pay raise/promotion/career advancement, instead of a dead-end part time job?

 

Have you saved enough money from your decade-long hum-drum lifestyle?

 

Going to the gym is also another fantastic idea! But you can save money by exercising in your basement, or at the local park. I don't know how much a gym membership can cost you in Boston, but where I'm from, it's d*mn pricey. Research on the type of exercise you need to do (which muscles are you targeting?), you can google or use youtube to practice, buy a good whey protein to help with the muscle growth, and stick to your new exercise regime, you can exercise outdoors or the local park, invest in some decent fitness clothing too, and then go out there with a focus to train...and possibly meet people once you're out and about in the sunshine!

 

Make some new friends. No man is an island. You need a support group, some guy buddies to go out with, talk to, make plans with. Do you have friends from your old school that you keep in touch with? Cousins? Brothers? Neighbours? Colleagues? If not, go out there and make some. Choose wisely - good friends are beneficial but bad friends can ruin you.

 

The rest of the other stuff - buying a new car, etc - are all secondary. Once you are a little more financially stable (with a new job and future prospects of a good career), and your body has been sculped into your desirable form AND you have a cool network of buddies to hang out with.... everything else will fall into place. Your mind will be positive and then you can start the next step to find a partner.

 

In order to build a house, you need to lay the foundation first. I wish you all the best!

 

Oh also, read up on some motivational books. From your posts, you are very intelligent so I am sure a point to the right direction will yield positive results for you! One book I'd recommend is 'The Power of your Subconcious Mind' by Joseph Murphy. Consider this your Christmas gift! Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

Do you think the following 5-step action plan might help my prospects?

- Go to the gym 5 days a week

- Go back to school and become a C.P.A.

- Purchase a classic car

- Have my parents leave me the house in their will

- Join an adult tennis league (after spending 1-year at the gym)

 

Do you think accomplishing those tasks might make it possible for me to have a date before I turn 40 ??

 

 

No because especially the part about asking your parents to leave you the house makes you sound materialistic & selfish. It's horribly inappropriate to ask somebody else to mention you in the will. For you to request what is probably your parents' biggest asset is wholly improper.

 

 

Going back to school so you can afford to buy your own house is a wonderful idea. Going to the gym & playing tennis are good ideas. All 3 of those things should help you meet new people too.

 

 

The car. . .well 1st you can't afford it especially if you are going to go back to school, pay for a gym membership & pay for a tennis club. Get your priorities in better order. Who you are is far more important than what you drive. The insurance, upkeep & maintenance on a classic car is also probably beyond your means at this point.

[brucewayne25]

My Advice is to start doing some online course in inventory management or some computer programming. There is a good job market of these two skills. As far as computer programming goes, you can start working online as a freelancer when you get a hang of it. Be careful about your priorities. What I see, money is your very first need so focus on that with an objective in mind of moving out.

 

In the mean time, keep looking. You are not the only one in your city who is near 40 and looking for a partner. Once you start looking, you will realize that the older you date; the better you get.

[BasementDweller]

Dear Basement Dweller,

 

1) Are you able to find a job, where you can continually get a pay raise/promotion/career advancement, instead of a dead-end part time job?

 

2) Have you saved enough money from your decade-long hum-drum lifestyle?

 

3) Going to the gym is also another fantastic idea!

 

4) You need a support group, some guy buddies to go out with, talk to, make plans with. Do you have friends from your old school that you keep in touch with? Cousins? Brothers? Neighbours?

 

 

1) I don't see myself being able to change my job situation in the next two years. At this point in time, finding a job and becoming accustomed to a new job will require time and focus, which I would rather spend on trying to change other parts of my life.

 

2) Yes, I am sitting on a little pile of money stemming from my "decade-long hum-drum lifestyle" which I will need for a Masters Degree and a classic car.

 

3) Yes, going to the gym will be critical to my forming my MASTER PLAN for 2016.

 

4) You have raised an excellent point which I have not considered, that I must first find guy buddies. Perhaps I need to spend the next year or so, during my "transitional period" just finding men, and hope that those men will help me about 18-months from now in going on my first date before I turn age 40.

 

Based on your advice, my MASTER PLAN for 2016 is now:

- Go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week

- Go back to school and become a CPA

- Speak to my parents about leaving me the house in their will

- Join an adult tennis league (after spending 1-year at the gym)

- Keep an open eye for guys who might be able to help my social life, and befriend these guys

- Save money for the purchase of a classic car

- Cancel my plan for a "Route 66" Western road trip, and take that trip later in life

[SpiralOut]

I'm not sure that having a master's degree will make it easier to date women, but having a goal and pursuing it does make a difference. Most women are attracted to ambitious men. So if you want a master's degree, go for it. Just make sure you are doing it for you, to make yourself happy.

 

 

I don't think you should ask your parents to leave the house to you in their will. That's not going to help you with your love life. It's also tactless to ask your parents something like that.

Edited December 20, 2015 by SpiralOut

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

There are lots of guys in Japan like you OP

[BasementDweller]

 

 

No because especially the part about asking your parents to leave you the house makes you sound materialistic & selfish. It's horribly inappropriate to ask somebody else to mention you in the will. For you to request what is probably your parents' biggest asset is wholly improper.

 

 

 

 

Having a conversation with my parents about the disposition of the house and its ownership after their passing seems like a necessary conversation and well as a rational one. Upon their death, which could come at any time, the inhabitants of the house would need to know if the living situation could continue. Since I am the only person living in the house, besides my parents, it makes sense that I would know who receives the house after their death, as well as ensuring that I receive the house since I am the person who does the yardwork and general maintenance of the house.

 

 

Also, picking up a free house will free up a lot of my savings to use for a classic car, as well as gaining a Masters Degree and paying for an upscale gym membership (I don't want to join a $10 a month gym as I don't want to stand in line at a cheap gym as a commoner).

 

 

I see no problem with a child requesting that his/her parents leave the house to them in the will, family farms have been passed down through generations for centuries, willing a family home to the next generation was a custom in society from almost the beginning of time.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

And as frustrating, annoying people will say, that its never too late for the OP, I like to have the mindset it is never too late once a person has missed out on their prime years

[d0nnivain]

I see no problem with a child requesting that his/her parents leave the house to them in the will.

 

While it is a custom that goes through the ages, that doesn't make it an automatic. For the child to start this conversation is the height of rude & pushy. Even if you are the most likely & most logical beneficiary it's horrid of you to ask. It comes across as you wishing your parents dead so you can benefit financially. That may not be your intent but it's how most people read it.

 

Also knowing you are the beneficiary should have zero bearing on your dating status. At know point before you consider marriage should you have that kind of financial discussion with a potential date.

[losangelena]

OP, what do you do for $12 and hour that you enjoy so much and can't leave?

 

This sounds like a motivation issue to me. I'm curious to know what's led you to find yourself, at 37 years of age, living with your parents, working at a low-paying job and lonely in love. You've had over 15 adult years—what have you been doing during that time?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

OP, what do you do for $12 and hour that you enjoy so much and can't leave?

 

This sounds like a motivation issue to me. I'm curious to know what's led you to find yourself, at 37 years of age, living with your parents, working at a low-paying job and lonely in love. You've had over 15 adult years—what have you been doing during that time?

 

Ya another late bloomer I think, you say you are your boyfriends first girlfriend, he was 31 when he got his first if I remember correctly

[losangelena]

Ya another late bloomer I think, you say you are your boyfriends first girlfriend, he was 31 when he got his first if I remember correctly

 

Yes, but he wasn't living with his parents or making $12/hr. So motivation wasn't a problem for him.

[BasementDweller]

 

 

OP, what do you do for $12 and hour that you enjoy so much and can't leave?

 

This sounds like a motivation issue to me. I'm curious to know what's led you to find yourself, at 37 years of age, living with your parents, working at a low-paying job and lonely in love. You've had over 15 adult years—what have you been doing during that time?

 

 

 

LosAngelena, that is a good question you ask.

 

 

I work at a small warehouse roughly two or three days a week. I am the only employee and thus am afforded a lot of freedom in the job. Many times, I get to choose which days I work, which times I work, and so on. Also, when the owners have been away on vacations over the years, I have taken it upon myself to make "upgrades" to the warehouse and the working conditions. I have wired up quite a sound system with speakers covering the entire premises, I have a cell-phone booster antenna up on the roof, I have a hidden wireless-wifi router hidden under a table; I have essentially turned this warehouse into my very own little Circuit City. A usual workday begins with me hiding my car behind the warehouse to make it appear that no one is here, then going inside and turning on the sound system (Kate Bush, INXS, Pet Shop Boys, New Order, Erasure, U2...) and getting my work done without making mistakes.

 

 

I am grateful for the job and the great conditions, so I never call in sick and always dress up for the job even though I am often the only person here. As I write this, I am at the job :-)

 

 

However, I realize that I have outgrown this job and that I must unfortunately part ways with this job during the next 2 years, definitely before I turn age 40. That is why I need a career and need to become a Masters degree and to become a CPA and need to move in that direction in the year 2016.

[losangelena]

LosAngelena, that is a good question you ask.

 

 

I work at a small warehouse roughly two or three days a week. I am the only employee and thus am afforded a lot of freedom in the job. Many times, I get to choose which days I work, which times I work, and so on. Also, when the owners have been away on vacations over the years, I have taken it upon myself to make "upgrades" to the warehouse and the working conditions. I have wired up quite a sound system with speakers covering the entire premises, I have a cell-phone booster antenna up on the roof, I have a hidden wireless-wifi router hidden under a table; I have essentially turned this warehouse into my very own little Circuit City. A usual workday begins with me hiding my car behind the warehouse to make it appear that no one is here, then going inside and turning on the sound system (Kate Bush, INXS, Pet Shop Boys, New Order, Erasure, U2...) and getting my work done without making mistakes.

 

 

I am grateful for the job and the great conditions, so I never call in sick and always dress up for the job even though I am often the only person here. As I write this, I am at the job :-)

 

 

However, I realize that I have outgrown this job and that I must unfortunately part ways with this job during the next 2 years, definitely before I turn age 40. That is why I need a career and need to become a Masters degree and to become a CPA and need to move in that direction in the year 2016.

 

Okay, that's cool. I have a few more questions, though—and I'm not trying to pick on you, I'm just trying to get a fuller understanding of why you're where you're at.

 

How long have you worked there? Why are you settling for a part-time job that only pays you $12/hr? What's your education level? What's your degree in? You're talking about wanting to back to school to be a CPA, so I'm assuming you have a BA already.

 

I'm a freelance copywriter/editor, and I regularly find jobs that pay $15/hr but I don't take them; my cost of living demands that I aim a bit higher. Also, I love my mom but I don't really want to live with her, I enjoy being independent. Is there are reason other than to save money that you live with your parents?