When to give up and let go

[Lostmyworld]

Well im going thru a separation with wife of 18 yrs. I believe were headed for divorce . I have hurt her emotionally. Its been 2 mths and dont look like theres any hope. We have two beautiful girls , that i love so much . Let me say the fault lies with me that our marriage is failing because of trust issues on my part . Ive always been faithfull and loved her with all my heart. She told me she wanted space and i tried so hard but every time i was around her i tried to get her to talk to me it seems I just hurt her more. I just pushed her away further I'm afraid. Im very concerned cause she acts like shes moved on. She clearly dont love me anymore by her actions and words . She will not talk to me and says she dont like to be around me . My kids are hurt by this by what theyve heard us say to each other. It went from divorce to just stay the way it is but there is no visual sign from her that she wants to work thru this . I failed to see by my actions i was hurting us . I never realized she was unhappy or that i was hurting her and i feel terrible cause she was my best friend. I believe in my wedding vows and hate divorce. I really feel terrible for my kids and feel like a failure as a husband.After all my prayers and attempts when do you accept it and give up?

Edited December 18, 2015 by Lostmyworld

[Brokenheart15]

I have never responded to any of these forum chats. But I came across this particular one and it hit me hard.

I am currently going through some similar issues. Been remarried to my wife now for almost 9 years. We were married previously for 3 years and then separated and divorced for 3 before coming back into each others lives. We have 2 children, 14 and 6. I have always had my faults. Pornsgraphy and temper being the main ones. About 5-6 years ago I found myself falling into the abyss of depression. Disliked most if not all things in my life, including myself. Tried meds and counseling. Neither seemed to work. Said something very hurtful things along the way, but because I was where I was, saying sorry and being the man I needed to be was almost impossible. About 4 or 5 months ago I had an awakening, the fog cleared and I began to awake from my sad dream. Long story short. My nightmare began once I fully recognized the status of my marriage and my wife's feelings toward me. She had shut down emotionally from me. And once I realized this and wanted to talk, to save our marriage, it all began to spiral warp speed. After a long discussion with what i thought would be a period of me proving my worth, etc, was told it was over. I spoke to my pastor and got guidance on what to do it try. Spent the next month plus doing these things. To no avail. We function as roommates anymore and after not talking about us for over a month I approached her about it. She only reinforced that she will never, ever feel for me the way she should. I too am not for divorce. Was not the first time, am not now. I am not perfect, more so I was an absolute sub human. I do accept responsibility for this with the same token, that a lot if not must of the hurtful horrible things I muttered, was not of my. It was from a soul in turmoil. Not sure what to do on my end either. Give up and go along with her plans, whatever they may be.. Or continue to fight for us? Is it even worth it. Up until today, I was still in the fight for her. Now, I am crushed. My heart goes out to you. It takes two to make it work in marriage, yet only one to end it, for whatever reason that may be. BTW, my faults were never about another women. It was my emotional and physical neglect towards her. The hurtful things I said as well. One can't change the last no matter how hard you try. Would love to. I m ashamed of the person I became, now I am broken inside because I thought I could or would be able to fix everything and make it even better in the end. Sad part about this is, I believe that there might be a OM on horizon. Don't want to think that way and don't have evidence, but I just feel it.

[oldshirt]

Well im going thru a separation with wife of 18 yrs. I believe were headed for divorce . I have hurt her emotionally. Its been 2 mths and dont look like theres any hope. We have two beautiful girls , that i love so much . Let me say the fault lies with me that our marriage is failing because of trust issues on my part . Ive always been faithfull and loved her with all my heart. She told me she wanted space and i tried so hard but every time i was around her i tried to get her to talk to me it seems I just hurt her more. I just pushed her away further I'm afraid. Im very concerned cause she acts like shes moved on. She clearly dont love me anymore by her actions and words . She will not talk to me and says she dont like to be around me . My kids are hurt by this by what theyve heard us say to each other. It went from divorce to just stay the way it is but there is no visual sign from her that she wants to work thru this . I failed to see by my actions i was hurting us . I never realized she was unhappy or that i was hurting her and i feel terrible cause she was my best friend. I believe in my wedding vows and hate divorce. I really feel terrible for my kids and feel like a failure as a husband.After all my prayers and attempts when do you accept it and give up?

 

 

 

Need more nuts and bolts details. What it is you have done that has hurt her?

[Lostmyworld]

I emotionally hurt her by questioning her faithfulness. .I had trust issues i guess in part because of insecurities. She finally had it i guess. Told me to leave , needed space. Wouldnt look at me for a week . Wont talk to me after many attempts just gets mad and i think i just pushed her too much , dont act like she cares to work thru .Living life like single .doesnt care what i think . I'm exhausted with trying to makeup . I dont think theres any love left. Unfortunately Ive been hurting her emotionally for awhile and didnt even realize it and if she said anything i failed to take her seriously . I took her for granted . She was very good to me. I am at fault for our problems or at least this one. I thought our love was a lot stronger ,I feel terrible. I failed her.

[Brokenheart15]

Your statement and situation, while somewhat different are closely related. I wish I could give You advice, but I am in the same boat. My heart says don't give up, there is still a chance and stay with it. But, if everything you do gets rejected, it makes it very very hard to keep the faith. Have you thought about counseling? I have.. Not sure she would even go along though. This is the toughest thing is men ever have to deal with. Most of us are wired completely different than or women. This then makes it very hard to see what we may be doing wrong, before it's too late.

[Mr. Lucky]

Living life like single .doesnt care what i think .

 

Does this mean she's dating or seeing other men? There's certain key words and often-heard concepts in your posts that indicate she might have been involved with someone before your separation. You might plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lostmyworld]

She told me ive done everything wrong . I dont know all i was doing was trying to makeup with her but she dont want it. Ive tried several times but never ends well . I dont know what is going on for sure , i know its made me very sad by her unwillingness to reconcile ,her actions ( living like single already or at least thats my opinion)shes pretty blunt about it that she dont want to talk just tells me maybe one day. Wont tell me she loves me but when i ask her "do u still luv me ?" she just says "ill always love you. " but at same time says very hateful things to me when i try to talk to her . Just mot herself.Soon after this started she asked me to leave for she needed space, and would not look into my eyes for couple weeks after we separated and still wont much. She would not let me get close to her as in like when i tried to talk , no hugs , nothing it was just all turned off in like 6-7days. So yea ive worried but i know her values and she never believed divorce or affairs . So i try not to think that but its very hard. When i try to talk tO her she wont say nothing much just gets mad and tells me to leave? im at a loss.

[ladydesigner]

Does this mean she's dating or seeing other men? There's certain key words and often-heard concepts in your posts that indicate she might have been involved with someone before your separation. You might plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with Mr. Lucky, it certainly sounds fishy to me.

[Lostmyworld]

What are tell tale signs one should look for?

[Lostmyworld]

Really would like someones input on this , someone thats gone through it ,there actions when you suspected but didnt have proof. She just turned it all off . When shes asked if theres OM she gets angry. Idk i dont want to hurt her by asking her but i think shes not being honest with me.

[whichwayisup]

I emotionally hurt her by questioning her faithfulness. .I had trust issues i guess in part because of insecurities. She finally had it i guess. Told me to leave , needed space. Wouldnt look at me for a week . Wont talk to me after many attempts just gets mad and i think i just pushed her too much , dont act like she cares to work thru .Living life like single .doesnt care what i think . I'm exhausted with trying to makeup . I dont think theres any love left. Unfortunately Ive been hurting her emotionally for awhile and didnt even realize it and if she said anything i failed to take her seriously . I took her for granted . She was very good to me. I am at fault for our problems or at least this one. I thought our love was a lot stronger ,I feel terrible. I failed her.

 

Are you 100% sure that there's no one else? What did she do that made you feel insecure, enough to accuse her of infidelity?

 

Try marriage counseling before separating and divorcing. if anything, for the sake of learning how to become great co parents to your kids.

[whichwayisup]

Really would like someones input on this , someone thats gone through it ,there actions when you suspected but didnt have proof. She just turned it all off . When shes asked if theres OM she gets angry. Idk i dont want to hurt her by asking her but i think shes not being honest with me.

 

Hmm...If she isn't cheating at all and has nothing to hide she shouldn't be so upset and angry that you are asking. Red flag!

 

You can hire a PI.

 

How is she with her phone and computer? Does she hide what she's doing from you?

 

Listen to your gut, if you feel something is off, then look further, just watch how she is overall, is she showering more? Dressing sexy? Have a bit of happiness and spunk that wasn't there in the past?

[Lostmyworld]

No i dont know for sure she just says there is no one else but i cant put the thought away. I know her very well and she has high morals and principles and always told me she didnt believe in divorce but now says things change. That I pushed her to the edge .I cant think of much she done to make me feel insecure other than becoming fixated on her physical appearance. I just was too controlling and it didnt help. She has said no to counseling the times ive asked her. After she asked me to separate said she needed space , I saw her detach from me in just a few days. I truly thought our relationship was stronger than this .Weekends away no kids no communication. Said she didnt have to tell me anything. The many times i tried to talk to her she would become angry and always pointed out my shortcomings which ive said i am to fault but never hers. Ive asked her if she was seeing someone else she always says no that she has no desire but also says she cant be with me and has no desire to reconcile . Lots of avoiding eyes covering face . Acts really uncomfortable and sad both when we talk and easily becomes agitated. Has had passcodes on electronics for as long as i can remember. Says i just keep pushing her . Will not tell me she loves me back when i tell her .Says heart is dead i for sure know its hardened but i dont want to give up . Of course she says people dont change rejecting me or any attempt to reconcile. Keeps phone , purse in sight all of it is just suspicion But i cant get rid of feeling i got .went from best friends lovers to cold acquaintances. Says she will always love me but dont like me? I love her and hate all this . I want her to be honest with me but i feel shes not being so . I have trouble grasping how one can change how they feel about someone so quickly . Thats what has made me suspect more.

[basil67]

It's not hard to change feelings quickly. If a person is frequently and falsely accused of one thing or another, they will eventually realise that they deserve better. When this epiphany hits, they suddenly realise what a waste it's been with this partner and turn away from them.

[Lostmyworld]

I did make mistakes no doubt infortunately it took this to open my eyes. But i also was a very loving , caring husband and provider to her and my family.

[lolablue17]

Can you describe an example of one thing that you did wrong that pushed her away?

[Lostmyworld]

I accused her of an affair with no solid proof just the feeling i got driven by actions , things that she said, and her body language. I saw her shutting off to me .

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, you two have children and she isn't willing to go to counseling to even bother trying to fix things and reconnect with you. Counseling may help you learn to trust her and not worry so much, feel more secure - giving you the proper tools to cope with it all. Just odd that she isn't wanting to fight hard to keep your family intact and under one roof. If it doesn't work, at least you two tried, gave it your best - But she isn't even willing to do that! wtf!

[lolablue17]

That's it?

I understand how can a person be mad when someone is accusing them with an affair if they don't have any. But to fall out of love because of it? To split family with children? Sorry, I don't buy that.

 

It takes much much more to split kids from their dad, and to ruin your family. It's either you did other things, or she is just bull$hiting you with false reasons.

[Lostmyworld]

I was too controlling and had trust issues that caused us to have arguements fights in our relationship well before our split. She told me i was to needy, She told me that all of it was hurting us but i wasnt listening or didnt take her serious.I hurt her heart by things i questioned or said ,when i accused her of infidelity,at the time of the split. So it wasnt just one random thing that made her decide she needed space . I slowly caused her to harden her heart towards me i think.It built up over time i guess. I took her for granted . I see how my actions or thinking affected her and ive told her im to fault she just dont believe me or trust me that I can stop and change or forgive me. Shes still very angry with me. Sad thing is how she has acted after split has really made me think theres someone else in the picture .Let me just say she is a good wife & person and she always told me she hated divorce and i havd told her i am to blame for things i done wrong that could of pushed her to the edge maybe i dont understand how hurt she is idk. But i do luv her with all my heart she says we cant be together .?Ive told her how i know how i affected her but its still hard for me to grasp how you can turn love off so quick especially when you were close for that many of years i mean we had our problems in our marriage but i thought we would of kept on fighting for it.

[lolablue17]

How long have you been together, and how long do you think since you started to have marriage problems, the ones that are because of you?

Edited December 27, 2015 by lolablue17

[Lostmyworld]

Weve been married going on 18 yrs i could notice last several mths that marriage was strained because of frequent arguments which were because of me being to controlling or saying something to her that made her think I didnt trust her. She did try to tell me I was pushing her away but some reason unknown to me I was not hearing her pleads. I took it all for granted.I was ignorant and would give so much to be able to go back and fix what had become of us . Even at the split i didnt realize this was it cause we were alot closer I thought. I never realized deep down what I was doing to her and hate that I could be so stupid to not realize it. She was such a good wife and mother . I just keep praying for her to come around. I have trouble being myself around her cause im hurting even though im to blame . Truth is its to painful to let her go. Im not mad at her more myself . Ive always been faithful and took my vows super seriously and I know she once did too.

[lolablue17]

I certainly don't know much about you or your situation, so I'll try to be careful with my words. Also i suggest you to judge and to filter the thing I say and take it proportionally.

 

Sometimes you put the blame on something that maybe had some influence, but it's not the real reason. I can't imagine throwing 18 years to the garbage just because of few month of arguing. I'm trying to read between the lines...

 

For example you say you took her for granted. But you also say you were very insecure and were afraid that she's having an affair. Do you see the contradiction?

 

When someone is arguing with his wife accusing her with an affair, you can say many things about him, but he certainly does not take his wife for granted. On the contrary, he's afraid to lose her. A husband who takes his wife for granted shows indifference, and that's the exact opposite of what you've done.

 

Maybe the last few month gave her the drive to do what she was already planning for a long long time. Maybe it's not even that. You didn't tell me how old your children are, but let me guess - They are teenagers who are getting close to age of college or university. Why?

 

Because maybe that is the timing. Maybe she'd waited until they will be grown ups so she'd be able to leave you. I'm not going to the direction of the possibility that she did have an affair, although I wouldn't disqualify this option at all.

 

I just don't believe that for 18 years you were not jealous at all, and suddenly you started being extremely insecure and jealous... I believe that your nature is to be insecure, because you love her and you care about her. So if it didn't bother her for 18 years, why now? I hope you get what i'm trying to say.

 

She could have taken it to the other direction... There are so many couples of 18 years that show apathy to one another and they never fight, always peace, but the marriage is dead there! She could have told herself (like my wife) that "if after 18 years of marriage my husband is so jealous, and so insecure about me, it means that he is deeply cares about me". jealousy fights, although they can exhaust, they are evidence that there's a lot of passion there. That is what she could have thought.

 

But when she haven't and after few month she ended it, for me it's possible that she was looking for the way out and she just was hung to the reason she could find in that timing.

 

Please stop blaming yourself. You may be torturing yourself for nothing. You maybe partly to blame because you know the formula of 50-50. But i think that your insecurities and your suspicions about her having an affair ARE NOT THE REASON SHE ENDED IT.

Edited December 27, 2015 by lolablue17

[Lostmyworld]

I do feel I took her love for me for granted or maybe thats the wrong word .Ive always been insecure and jealous just seems I got worse older i got. I smothered her . Like I said she would tell me all the time Im gonna drive her away but I would not take her serious. Shes told me I cant handle your trust issues anymore.She doesnt think I loved her if i could think the way i did. My kids are teenagers. Sadly they dont act like this bothers them that there dad dont live at home anymore or at least that the way it seems and it bothers me . The way I acted and things ive said to my wife always bothered her and hurt her but she dealt with it till she grew tired . Maybe she was waiting till right time to get out i dont want to think that though. Just like i dont want to think she got involved with someone else or that maybe its been going on for awhile. Yes I do blame myself cause I could have been a better listener. She has blameshifted alot when ive tried to ask her why she didnt see us working it out or asked her questions. I cant change her feelings but im praying they do.

[lolablue17]

I've already noticed that you take the blame on you, i couldn't miss that.... But you might want to read people from distance like me who don't know you.

 

Believe me, I have a lot of experience, and I've heard thousands of stories. It is very common that one side (The woman in your story) slowly and systematically convince the other side (you), that he is the only one to blame. And the other side adopt that theory and he is totally convinced that the wife was right.

 

For me that fact that "you are convinced that you're the one to blame" is not necessarily the truth. All the other details you've brought here scream to me that that your "blame" part was over 18 years of marriage, she got tired of marriage, and this is the timing she chose, and if you didn't increase your insecurities, she would have found something else.

 

The fact that your kids aren't bothered with that also indicates that she did a good job with them, preparing them to this possibility and planting in their mind that this is the best.

 

From the side I see a different picture than you. Sorry for not being very impressed with the "You're driving me away from you because of your insecurities" routine. This threat is very common to be used by cheaters, a matter a fact by using the exact same words, I've heard so many time (like i said - in thousands of stories).

 

It doesn't matter how many times you repeat it, it just says that she did a good job with blame shifting. Are you divorced yet? Because if you are not, I would advice you to come back living in your home, telling her that this is your home, from now on you're acting like a man, and if she isn't happy with it, she can move out by her self. I don't understand why did you agree to move out in the first place.

 

You're not doing it for spite but you just didn't manage your crisis right. Go to therapy, try to control your insecurities. But as long as there is no violence or abuse, The one that initiate the break up (her) should pay some price of inconveniency. You made it too easy for her to ruin your family. You can manage living in the same house, not sleeping in the same room.

Edited December 28, 2015 by lolablue17