When to give up and let go

[Akashsingh]

You certainly have control issues. Seek counseling for yourself if she doesnt want to come. I dont see a major problem here except you are aggravating the problem with your insecurities.

[Lostmyworld]

When I left when she asked for space I didnt think it was for good. I wanted my kids in a house they were familier with ,with there mother to reduce any trauma to them from this. I also knew she had no place to go herself. I didnt want to do that to her.I have told her if she wants divorce its on her . Dont know when and if she intends on it . I hope she doesnt . According to her ive not done anything right since separation and I agree I came off too needy . I regret leaving but unfortunatly i did. When ive tried to talk to wife the kids are always blocking my attempts it seems like interupting us and hanging around .They saw her very upset for awhile. They have also said there glad were being nice to one another now. Ive been able to talk to her alot more here lately but she still feels the same way but shes not as emotional . She still gets upset a little . I agree i didnt manage my crisis right at all i was in shock and emotional distress . Ive somehow managed to not let myself feel up with anger. I feel like her alternate plan and ive told her I did but she says thats not true. I know ive been too controlling no excuse .I have also wondered if its a midlife crisis . I want to get counseling and would like her too but she has said in past she dont care too. If she is having an affair or a fwb I wish she would be honest so I could heal I believe knowing that and the fact she at this time doesnt see us reconciling I would be able to get over this easier and sooner. Ive told her I wanted to come back home and that I miss all of them but shes not ok with it as of now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ive told her I wanted to come back home and that I miss all of them but shes not ok with it as of now.

 

Who's house is it? Leased or owned, if it's in both your names not sure how she could stop you from living there. Whether you'll get along is another story.

 

If she is having an affair or a fwb I wish she would be honest so I could heal I believe knowing that and the fact she at this time doesnt see us reconciling I would be able to get over this easier and sooner.

 

What difference does it make? If your wife has checked due to someone else or issues with you, she's still detached and gone. And as you already understand on some level, your neediness has the opposite effect you hope for, just serving to drive her further away.

 

Are you familiar with the "180"? It's an oft-quoted way to deal with a spouse on their way out the door while moving ahead with your own life, listed here:

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out.

 

Certainly a different approach than what you've been doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

You hope that if you do what ever she says like a doormat, and if you minimize yourself to be smaller than a mouse, than maybe she will stop being upset about you, and maybe it will lead her to re-love you.

 

That's one way to look at it. If you continue being a half citizen with no human rights in your own family and home, maybe she will love you. I don't know... Chances are bigger than zero. But if you ask me, I think chances are very close to zero. Why would a woman want a doormat as a husband?

 

Space is good for 2-3 days. maybe a week, you know what? OK, 2 weeks at the maximum. But now what she's having is not space - She gets you out of the house, with no divorce, no price to pay, no need to make tough decisions.

 

How comfortable for her. By not filing she keeps your hopes up, and prevents you to live your life, with her, or without her. And you say it's been for few month?? She is heartless. You don't need to cooperate with violation of your basic rights for so long!! Jesus!! She abuses you not for 1-2 weeks, but for few month!!!!

 

How you live now is no way to live, sorry! I advice you to pack your stuff today, and show up in your home Tell her that she has abused you for too long, the abuse period is over. I advice you to file for divorce youself and hand her the papers, telling her that it's over!

 

You gave her time and space because you love her, but she's took advantage of your generosity and took you for granted for too long! No more of this. Until the divorce is final she's invited to go where ever she likes, or stay, or you really don't care.

 

DEAR WIFE - DO YOU WANT TO SPLIT OUR FAMILY? GO AHEAD! NOW IT'S TIME TO ACT LIKE AN ADULT, AND NOT LIKE A CHILD. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHOICES. I'M NO BACKUP PLAN OF ANYBODY! YOU USED TO LIVE IN WONDER LAND IN THE LAST FEW MONTH - IT'S TIME TO GO DOWN TO REALITY AND ACCEPT CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR DECISIONS!! THERE IS A MAN IN THE HOUSE NOW, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

Edited December 28, 2015 by lolablue17

[Lostmyworld]

Well I appreciate your advice but moving back in I dont believe will work . Shes just to back and forth one moment civil next downright hateful. I believe it would just hurt the kids more. I am gonna try the 180 . Im tired of the bs , and the way I feel . Well see how it works out .