seperation very clouded

[chrissy75]

-i think my background with my relationship may help with understanding the entire picture. it is lengthy so i appreciate everyone who views and gives advice.

 

background:

My husband is in the military and he will be entering his 6th year soon. we got married at 19 and have three children. When I go married at 19 i knew this is who i wanted to be with and also knew that realistically that infidelity was bound to happen on his part and as I foresaw it did. When we got married i was already unknowingly pregnant so we had our first son accidental which was a struggle for me emotionally because he was always gone for work we had no family around and when he was home i wanted to get out and do things together but he was too tired. I felt i was trying to be a perfect wife and i put a lot of pressure on myself to do everything yet from stepping back now i think i really was depressed during that first pregnancy.

 

well during that pregnancy he did talk to other women and exchange pictures or tell them he was not with me etc. and that we were just stuck together. that was only 6 months into marriage which it did upset me but was not my main breaking point. Later on we had our son and my husband went to a 3 month school while i moved back with family. while he was away he had developed an emotional and sexual relationship with somebody. i found out due to him being tagged in a picture and her leg was across his at a restaurant under a table. when he came back form his 3 month schooling he apologized and said that it was stupid and didn't know what he was thinking really. so i agreed to move with him to texas where we would be relocating for his job.

 

well after a couple months of being there i found that he was emailing her saying he loved her and wished that him and our son could all live together with her but knew it was not possible. I found these emails and those really destroyed me the most because i continually think about them 4 years later right now into our marriage. He says he does not know why he did it and that it was just him being stupid and there was really no reason. to me that was not a good enough answer because there has to be some reason.

 

From that point our son was 1 and i said i want to conceive a child when our first son turned 2 or else i could just start over and have a child and a fresh relationship without all of this chaos emotionally.(rather have at least 2 biological siblings regardless ever a divorce because i don't want them to feel alone if we ever had different families at some point)

 

well that next year got better for us overall and we ended up building and purchasing a home at 21 years old and doing better but not exactly perfect i would say. when my sons second birthday came around he initiated and asked if i was ready to have the second child and i said yes. I conceived pretty quickly and I was thrilled and i assumed he was since he asked me for the second child. During this time of my second pregnancy i was working 40 hours a week saving so i could stay home for a while with the new baby and i thought we were still doing pretty well even though it was tuff to see each other and not be tired during those times because of work.

 

I was extremely exhausted being pregnant and working 10 hour days, cleaning taking care of our son, making sure things got done around the house, and that nothing went undone or was in perfect order for when he got home from work and for when i came home from work and would pick up again from whatever was left laying around or dirty from when i was at work and he was home with our son. even when i would come home from work our friends would be over till 3 or 4 am and i would stay up and hang out because i did not want to deprive my husband of being around friends due to me being tired from work or simply because i was pregnant. I was really working hard on trying to give as much energy as possible to do all these things even if i didn't feel up for it because i know especially for a young male having another child i didn't want him to feel like he had no social life.

 

I do stress out easily or need a lot of reassurance from him and if he loves me or cares about me.my way of showing my love because it is difficult for me to be affectionate is to do everything and have him see and recognize that i am a great wife despite me needing constant affection and love.

 

After our second child was born i was snooping and found a separate email account that he would use for dating websites or he would post ads on craigslist for sex. i read a lot of responses back and forth with other women and again it hurt me to the core because i thought we were doing so well for us during the time of my pregnancy for something like that to occur. after i brought this up with him he revealed later on he said i gave him no choice or i was going to leave him with this second child situation.

 

I felt puzzled because i knew i said that a year prior but i really felt like if he came to me and said he did not want another right now and did in genuinely and respectfully i would understand since our marriage was getting better and slowly stronger. Later he told me that i pressured him to getting married which i could not believe or understand what he was saying because he was the one that asked me when i went to visit him so we went to the courts and did so. we had been engaged for a year so to me it was really confusing because i did not ask or demand those things to happen in a specific time frame.

 

Basically all of this happen some pushing and shoving as well and i emotionally could not control my anger or my hate towards him yet loving him at the same time. after that happened he said he wanted a divorce. we were going back home to visit family in a few weeks to go to a wedding and to reveal our second baby boy to our family. when we were out in our home state everything went well between us enjoyed each other and had sexual relations even though I was staying in our home state and then he was going back to our home. I was only back home for a month and then decided to go back to our home with my husband and for our children because my husband had signed up to go to bahrain for a year without discussing anything with me so i felt we needed to spend the next three months during the holidays before he left with him so he could see the kids as much as possible before his year tour without us began.

 

I was angry that he chose to sign up without a discussion and hurt but he had came to me later on saying that wasn't right and selfish of him. he said he wanted to work on our marriage and he knew it wouldn't be easy since he was leaving for a year and seemed extremly genuine with his offer and being honest with how he felt and not hide behind or fake being happy if he wasn't happy. That to me was a big deal in itself and i did want to work on things.

 

as the holidays past and the kids and i went back to our home state in vegas my husband helped us get situated at my moms house so we could be comfortable and also save money while he was gone and pay off some debt. during that time i ended up getting pregnant again. It really was weird timing since my second child was only 6 months old and i am finding i am pregnant again and my husband was gone for deployment. My body after my second child was very unstable and was even told that getting pregnant could be likely but not while i was bleeding the 6 months straight i did after having my second son so i didn't feel the need for birth control since my husband was leaving right around the time my bleeding stopped so i figured i would just be okay to not take the birth control.

 

CURRENT:

 

I just had my third child and my husband was able to make it with his leave and time it out to be here for the birth which was great. the first 6 months he was gone were pretty well. I mean i think i coped and did not nag as much as i wanted to because he goes out every other night with friends and drinks so for myself i did well of not having freak outs not knowing what he was doing all the time.

 

i really do believe that i was suppressing how depressed i was during this entire period of the first half of his deployment. When he was here for a month on leave for this third childs birth I didn't feel like he was connecting with me or really putting everything into making me feel loved. I did tell him that i was unsure about moving to our next destination in portland because i was scared that he wasn't committed to just me. I just said i really need to know your in this marriage for the long hall and your commitment is 100% there with me and even through fights and arguments that he is still by my side and we will always make things work out and i will trust in that and gladly move.

 

he didn't answer me and i didn't jump down his throat like i normally would demanding an answer right then and there. it did worry me because i knew if he couldn't answer that right away then what i was feeling then something was off. i didn't mention it again until he went back to bahrain. i sent him a message asking the same thing that i just wanted to hear his commitment and he said i basically put him in fog because he was fine with all of us moving to portland till i said that i wasn't going. that was not what i said though and i repeated myself on just knowing where he was in his head with his commitment.

 

He never once said he was but only said that he thinks i bring him down, he's not himself around me, all his friends out in bahrain says he is bubbly and outgoing and that around me he is not. he continued to say that I'm socially awkward and have nothing in common with him. I didn't really know what to say other than if he thought he should change it to a closer city to our home state because he wasn't sure and that he can commute back and forth to see the kids he can. He did so with that and that is were we are at with going to be separated me living in las vegas at my parents house with my three kids while he moves to LA for work.

 

I was not happy with this choice because then i was like wow i am right about him not really loving me ect. He said that i put it on him to make a choice and that i was flip flopping and being selfish so he could not risk him going to portland and me saying i was not going with because then he would never forgive me having him so far from the kids. To me i was like all you had to do was say your commitment and I would have been fine so i don't understand whatsoever how i was being selfish.

 

I forgot to mention above that he could have taken back his offer to go to bahrain and he said that he wouldn't forgive me if i didn't let him go and experience that in his career. I was hurt that i felt as if he was choosing that over our family but i grew to be as supportive as i could possibly be with the circumstances and just try to support him and keep telling him that i hope it helps him find himself and figure out what he wants more from his career and from life since i know he was unhappy with a lot of things around him.

 

I feel myself at this point now going to be separated from my husband angry that he feels like he can be done with our marriage when i had sacrificed so much to be with him or have emotionally been through hell and still he is the one that wants things to be over with. I get even more angry because i confided in him about my post partum before this big ordeal about switching locations and living separate because i felt that i needed to let him know i needed a lot of support from him and never told him how severe it was with both previous pregnancies because i didn't want it to be too much for him to try to take on and be there for me or tell me it is an excuse to act emotional or unstable and randomly bring up past issues we have.

 

when he told me he shouldn't have to tell his commitment to me i should just know i don't understand how i am supposed to know with everything that has happened previously with us and then we finally try to work things out but then he leaves for a year and i become pregnant again.

 

I feel that i have come to realize that i did lose myself because i can't even answer questions like what my favorite color is or what i think is fun. right now i am just trying to find me. I realized that i did hold him accountable to validate me as a person and to make me feel better about myself or that i am worthy enough for him and that is a mistake that i wish i never had done.

 

i feel as if i have pushed him away by doing that and now this is basically it and that we will be getting a divorce. i do not want one at all and strongly believe that you work things out because marriage is not easy and you grow together and more comes out of a marriage that has been through so many trials and tribulations will come out on top and be more rewarding than any other relationship you try to find that is easy and happy all the time.

 

I do have a personality that has developed to want to take control of things and when life is spinning out of control i try to hurry and fix it when really the only thing i can ever control is myself and what i say or how i react. my husband does say that i like to be in control of everything and i can't deny that but i feel like i am always open to things he says as long as he approaches me in a respectful manner but he hides a lot of things and doesn't speak up about something if he disagrees but later will bring it up to me when i would have no idea just like me pressuring him to have another child or to get married in the first place.

 

I think it is clear in this message that i do lack a lot of self confidence and am controlling for situations because i feel never good enough for him. I am trying to talk to him like a friend when we do talk which is only when he calls to talk to the kids but it usually is nice or he will talk about work and how it was and i acknowledge it and try to sound as upbeat as possible when really i am unhappy about all of this. I married him because i know that he is a great man and i knew a lot of mistakes would happen but i knew the man he can become because he is driven and has a personality with me that i have seen that is caring and loving and has done things for me that some guys wouldn't do.

 

He is a good dad overall and i know he will always be here and be in their lives because his father never was. I know he is not the person i married right now nor is he the man i know he will be but i really do not know what to do or where to start even. our wedding anniversary is coming up and i don't know whether to acknowledge it and say something or not to. i rather wait to see if he says something but i know he would always tell me why does he have to initiate everything and I'm not sure then if i should initiate that when it happens or if i shouldn't.

 

I can't say i know if he wants a divorce completely or if this is a separation to see if we will get back together or if for him its of convience and less of a hassle than dealing with divorce right now. I do not want to ask where his head is at because it will just create arguments and i won't get an answer anyways so i need your advice on what i should say that doesn't sound like i am begging to get back together with him or even if i should say something to begin with.

 

I want to be able to work on our marriage and I'm hoping when he moves maybe when he comes down after the first few times he will want to go to dinner or things like that with me. i wouldn't tell him i was trying to work on our marriage if we did do that because then i feel like if he knows I'm willing to wait and not seem somewhat fine without him that he can dictate how long this separatation would last because he knows he has me hooked so to say.

 

I don't want to make him sound like he is a bad guy because i don't think he is and that he just makes bad decisions. He has gone out of his was with little things to make me happy and I'm just questioning if I am just too hard on him because i want that validation so badly that truly nothing was ever good enough when it should have been. he says i am too emotional (which i can be) and he has no emotion. i feel like him not having any emotion as he says is not good. how can he love me or be in love with me if he doesn't have any emotion? I am just really lost in all of this and need some good advice from an outside point of view.

 

we did seek counseling after our second son for a few sessions but the women doing our sessions kind of seem disinterested since she basically fell asleep at one of our sessions. If you think you could decipher some of what my husband is feeling so maybe i can understand better or to inform me on what to do about our anniversary coming up that would be appreciated.

 

I did send him a message saying that i was praying for him to find his happiness because i know its not with his family but not without us and that it is especially important so our boys can learn from his strengths. he did respond saying that why does he need the praying? and that he is happy so he did not need it. just confuses me because prior he said that he wasn't entirely happy out in bahrain.

 

he has said he wants inside jokes and to laugh and have fun together and thats exactly what i want but we just can't seem to get there and I'm not sure how to even show him that we can have those moments if we aren't even going to be living together when he moves to LA in 6 months.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want to make him sound like he is a bad guy because i don't think he is and that he just makes bad decisions. He has gone out of his was with little things to make me happy and I'm just questioning if I am just too hard on him because i want that validation so badly that truly nothing was ever good enough when it should have been. he says i am too emotional (which i can be) and he has no emotion. i feel like him not having any emotion as he says is not good. how can he love me or be in love with me if he doesn't have any emotion? I am just really lost in all of this and need some good advice from an outside point of view.

 

Wow. Exhausting to read, can't imagine the daily effort it takes to survive all this drama. You have my respect for hanging in there and continuing to provide for your kids.

 

On some level, I'd guess your husband enjoys being married to you. You have kids together, provide a good home and companionship.

 

But he's one of those men that sees the world in two perspectives - you and all the other women out there. And he seems determined, based on the multiple times he's cheated on you (just the ones you know about, can only imagine the others ), to have access to both. More unfortunately, if forced to give one up, he's declared the loser is you.

 

Were I to give you some tough love, I'd say you've absolutely entitled him to feel this way. I lost track of the number of times you discovered his infidelity - 5? 8? 10? - but each time you've forgiven and taken him back. The lesson for him - a cheating blank check with no consequences or real fallout. Oh, you'll be hurt and angry but he seems very willing to have you pay the price - repeatedly!

 

Time to gather your resources and move forward with life. You need to see a lawyer, file for support and make custody arrangements. You make a number of statements that he's a good man and great father, I hope coming events bear you out. The cynic in me says, as this process moves forward, you'll see him as the weak and self-serving individual he seems to be. Time will tell.

 

Put your focus on you and your family. I hope you find some peace and enjoyment this holiday season. Keep posting ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chrissy75]

thank you for your thoughts I really appreciate them. I know it was a lot to read my head is always exhausted and just typing all of that didn't really seem worth it but i really needed and need insight from people to help me see what I'm not seeing since i am in it. do you think i should acknowledge our anniversary or should i bypass it. I'm not too sure what to say since i do not want to seem desperate or seem like i am making hints that i want to be together even though i do. i feel doing so would give him apprehend knowing even more so that I'm emotionally still attached completely and not compelled to leave the situation

[Mr. Lucky]

do you think i should acknowledge our anniversary or should i bypass it.

 

Honestly, I don't.

 

Doesn't signify much when he's about to bolt for the West Coast without you or the kids.

 

chrissy, stop worrying about him, he doesn't seem to be giving much thought to you. Start thinking only about you and your kids and your future. I'm afraid it's going to be mostly up to you to provide some stability in the immediate future...

 

Mr. Lucky