lemondrop21 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Can't afford it?? Can't afford the risk of his wife finding out perhaps? Maybe she scrutinizes all of their expenditures down to the dime? Why he would even try this line on you is a huge mystery. I hope you have let him know how hurt you are. Either that, or that you just broke it off. If it makes you feel any better, mine offered to give me money. Obviously I rejected that, not sure if there would be any way to make me feel more like a hooker... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) I agree with the other poster about him texting you on Xmas day. My response would be to have no response at all. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. Just enjoy your day and let him wonder what you're up to. There's nothing so bad as a man's own imagination. Let his run wild. Edited December 22, 2015 by bathtub-row 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulIdiot Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 He got his dog a gift. He's not worth the time it would spend you to write a text. Be strong.x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) He's sending you a clear message that getting you a gift isn't worth the risk of being caught. You're his secret and he doesn't want anyone knowing. Have you considered ending it? Edited December 22, 2015 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NorCalMan Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Actions speak louder than words ... both his words and actions speak volumes ... you deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Last week mm told me he could not afford to get me a Christmas gift. He has money and its never been a problem before to buy me a little gift. If he honestly could not afford to get me anything because of money I could really understand . However, he has been telling me the last week that he has been out buying Christmas gifts for his wife, family and neighbours. He even told me what he brought himself and his pet dog. Not sure how to describe that feeling hearing that. I couldn't even tell him how this makes me feel, I felt embarrassed I could be upset about it. I can clearly see what my existence in his life means to him. It's not about the gift itself it's about the thought that he wanted to get me something at Christmas. He clearly doesn't want to. The last four Christmas he has always brought me something. One of the things about Christmas is that it is meant to be a special time full of love and peace- I feel so unworthy and insignificant in his eyes. I won't even see him now until the new year as his in laws arrive and he won't be able to get out to see me. My postman even left me a little pot of jam on my doorstep wishing me a merry Christmas. A complete stranger didn't even realise how much that meant to me! Maybe I have no right in being upset about this I am just the OW. However, what more do I need to hear to know I deserve better than this. How would this make you feel? I wouldn't stand for it, that's how it makes me feel. It's one thing that you both agreed that you wouldn't exchange gifts, but he's buying gifts for his neighbor and his dog, for pete's sake. Seems like he's trying to pull away...there are signs when any man, married or not, is pulling away. You can tell because you become an after-thought... sure when he's hard and wanting to play you become all-important, but when he's done he's withdrawn until he wants to do it again. This type of one-sided relationship is no good. I don't know if you are married yourself, but I suggest you start dating someone else and keep him on the side - because on the side is where he seems to be keeping you. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Better than buying you & the W the SAME gift!! Oh or a 'buy 1 get 1 half price' deal!! (my life!) Why do ANY self respecting women tolerate this bollocks? REALLY? I don't know that we OW can really call ourselves "self-respecting" with what we are doing. Looking oneself in the face and seeing the truth is hard. Like I'm in a MOM/MOW relationship... I don't know if I could ever take being a OW anymore. It's too painful being alone when you know he's not. But still, the fact that my OM is married, and I'm cheating on my husband, makes it hard to look in the mirror at times. So yeah, self respect is a commodity that I don't know we have entirely. BUT that does NOT mean we have to accept any treatment that comes. The thing is, these men will treat us the way WE let them treat us. We hold all the power, not them. We just don't know how to use it and end up giving it away. Sigh... Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I don't like the fact that you are waiting for his text on Christmas . . . It is clear that everyone suggests that you end this relationship (I concur!). But that statement that you can't wait to get his text . . .You haven't let go yet. If you truly want to move on . . block his number from your phone (my carrier will only do this for two months without charging a fee but I sure as hell hope I am in a better place in two months when the block ends). Delete him as a favorite on your phone and any photos of him on your phone. All of these will be triggers for you. The best gift you can give yourself is to decide you are important . . .you are no longer an "afterthought" (which is how I often thought myself to be). Block him so that all he receives from Christmas from you is . . .nothing. Letting go is not that easy. Give her a bit of a break. She's been his mistress for FOUR YEARS. That takes commitment, albeit misguided commitment. When you are involved with a MM you become sort of co-dependent. You know the behavior is not good for you, you know the lies, the promises to leave her that never come. You know it's all bullocks but you hold on and hope against hope. And truly THAT is what you come to love... not him, the drama. The hope. The "maybe I'll pull it off" that elusive marriage that started out as an affair. That 1 in a million happening. I was in an affair years ago, before I got married, with a MM. He actually left his wife, showed up at my door like "I left her". I was stunned. I pretended to be thrilled but then I was thinking.... what the hell am I going to do with you, you cheat on your wife! I was aware even under the surface, that his promises where not real, and when it became real, that was pretty much it. What I'm saying is, she needs time to get from under this situation to see that she's really not in love with him either, she's in love with the "idea" that he'll leave his wife to be with her. She'll get there, give her time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope137 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Share Posted December 22, 2015 Thank you for all of those who have again taken the time to reply. I am grateful for your kindness and compassion. Your posts give me so much strength and clarity. Right now, I am still processing all the emotions I am feeling presently- mostly anger and frustration with myself for being such a doormat. I will update you all soon on how things are. Just give me time. I have Travelled today to be with my family for Christmas- that's what's important right now- not him. I am done letting him consume my mind. Peace and love to you all. X Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Thank you for all of those who have again taken the time to reply. I am grateful for your kindness and compassion. Your posts give me so much strength and clarity. Right now, I am still processing all the emotions I am feeling presently- mostly anger and frustration with myself for being such a doormat. I will update you all soon on how things are. Just give me time. I have Travelled today to be with my family for Christmas- that's what's important right now- not him. I am done letting him consume my mind. Peace and love to you all. X Since you are with your family now, turn your phone off. If you can't do that, then just do it on Xmas day this way you're not checking and hoping you'll get a text. Put him out of your head and just enjoy the holiday! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 My hope for you is that this time away will allow you to gain courage and the strength to never respond to him again. It's time you make yourself a priority! It's time for you to get the best in life and if you want a partner the a man who makes you his top priority is in order! No short changing yourself. No settling. Just go for it all! You're not likely to find a valuable partner while he's holding that spot/space in your head. Eliminating him will give you the freedom to find a man who values and appreciates you on every level! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I don't know that we OW can really call ourselves "self-respecting" with what we are doing. Looking oneself in the face and seeing the truth is hard. Like I'm in a MOM/MOW relationship... I don't know if I could ever take being a OW anymore. It's too painful being alone when you know he's not. But still, the fact that my OM is married, and I'm cheating on my husband, makes it hard to look in the mirror at times. So yeah, self respect is a commodity that I don't know we have entirely. BUT that does NOT mean we have to accept any treatment that comes. The thing is, these men will treat us the way WE let them treat us. We hold all the power, not them. We just don't know how to use it and end up giving it away. Sigh... There's a lot of truth in what you say here. Especially about the self respect aspect. I'm not an OW ...but there were times I tolerated less than acceptable behaviour from a BF. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) Letting go is not that easy. Give her a bit of a break. She's been his mistress for FOUR YEARS. That takes commitment, albeit misguided commitment. When you are involved with a MM you become sort of co-dependent. You know the behavior is not good for you, you know the lies, the promises to leave her that never come. You know it's all bullocks but you hold on and hope against hope. And truly THAT is what you come to love... not him, the drama. The hope. The "maybe I'll pull it off" that elusive marriage that started out as an affair. That 1 in a million happening. I was in an affair years ago, before I got married, with a MM. He actually left his wife, showed up at my door like "I left her". I was stunned. I pretended to be thrilled but then I was thinking.... what the hell am I going to do with you, you cheat on your wife! I was aware even under the surface, that his promises where not real, and when it became real, that was pretty much it. What I'm saying is, she needs time to get from under this situation to see that she's really not in love with him either, she's in love with the "idea" that he'll leave his wife to be with her. She'll get there, give her time. This so on point. I struggled really hard to see this during my A and even after I broke up with my MM. I asked myself what I would do if he ever told me he left his wife for me and now we can finally be together, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Once you look past the warm and fuzzy feelings that your MM gave you and picture yourself spending day after day dealing with the realities of life as a couple, ask yourself - would you want to be with this man? You only know a tiny sliver of him and the idea of permanently wanting that piece of him that gives you the warm and fuzzies is what you miss, not him necessarily. Also, face the cold hard fact that he is capable of a level of deceit that makes it virtually impossible to trust him. Without trust, you cannot build a relationship. You will start seeing all this clearly with time. Right now, be kind to yourself and push past the crazy pendulum of emotions you are feeling and will continue to feel for a while. It will get better. Edited December 23, 2015 by Lovetoohard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I decided a long time ago that I would never, ever want xMM in a real relationship. I know what he is capable of. In hindsight, I think I knew so very little of him. We talked about this on one occasion and he said that I probably wouldn't like him much if I really knew him. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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