oceansaway Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 I ended it today. After 4 years of on and off again...I can't go back! I will be coming here for support and to gather my life back to where it was years ago. I CAN NOT go back to him again!!! For years I am positive I have made is life/marriage more tolerable. I was his escape from his boring life. Although his wife has known about me all this time....I feel bad for her. She doesn't have the confidence to leave him....but I do. I can not tolerate his lying. The fog I had been in has lifted for the last year and I finally see him for what he really his. I have NO trust for him. Without trust...you have nothing. Anyone who has made it through this beginning stages...feel free to offer support 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Good for you. I think you have all the right ideas, it's just a matter of sticking to them now. Lots of us have been thru it so we're here to support you. Do you plan to be in complete NC and does he know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 No one ever tells you that when you act in your long-term best interests, it's sometimes painful in the beginning. You've made the decision to do that, and I completely support you, having reached the same conclusion myself. And like you, I too made MM's marriage tolerable. That man would brook all sorts of nonsense short of actual physical abuse before he gave up complete access to his kids. After a while, I no longer toyed with the notion that he'd leave so we could have a life together; however, I did wish that he would have been less selfish and done the fair and honorable thing. When you see that kind of selfishness, it's jarring. I wish you well during this period, and yes, I know it'll be tough. Just hang in there! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 No one ever tells you that when you act in your long-term best interests, it's sometimes painful in the beginning. You've made the decision to do that, and I completely support you, having reached the same conclusion myself. And like you, I too made MM's marriage tolerable. That man would brook all sorts of nonsense short of actual physical abuse before he gave up complete access to his kids. After a while, I no longer toyed with the notion that he'd leave so we could have a life together; however, I did wish that he would have been less selfish and done the fair and honorable thing. When you see that kind of selfishness, it's jarring. I wish you well during this period, and yes, I know it'll be tough. Just hang in there! It's change they are afraid of, and they don't even see that for themselves, so they can't apologize to you for it. They're in a delusional state when they are with you, which they enjoy. It's like pretending to be someone different (better) than you are. They want to believe they are this person. Only they're not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 It's change they are afraid of, and they don't even see that for themselves, so they can't apologize to you for it. They're in a delusional state when they are with you, which they enjoy. It's like pretending to be someone different (better) than you are. They want to believe they are this person. Only they're not. It's change, I agree. But I think they're also afraid of making genuine sacrifices and doing the right thing for everyone involved -- their spouse, their kids, and themselves. The most screwed-up, resentful, suspicious adults are the ones whose parents purportedly stayed together "because of them", and that's just the honest truth. My exH had that background, and I didn't know how it would cripple all of his Rs and his M to me. His deep insecurity was very difficult for me to deal with, and it's also what caused most of his problems in all walks of his life. He never really trusted people -- he thought they were insincere and trying to get something out of him. Doing the right thing by one's family is never easy. Believe me, I know how difficult it is. We've all been selfish at times. But there's a good kind of selfish (self-preservation; leading an honest life); and a bad kind of selfish (getting what we want from people, without thinking of the LT results). I feel that the OP is acting on her own behalf for the right reasons, ones that benefit everyone in the long run. And no, that doesn't make it easy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Doing the right thing can hurt like hell. Long term,though,it will make you happier. A few things helped me through the first weeks: 1.Self respect and dignity. Though i missed him like a mad woman,i felt better about myself. I was done hurting,lying,cheating and disrespecting myself. I constantly told myself,dignity first,the rest follows. 2.after breaking it off and going back twice before,i felt like i was losing trust in myself. I had to stand by my word. 3.I expected tough moments. I just told myself,go on,take it like a girl.it actually reminded me of childbirth, just let the wave of pain wash over you and go away 4.Know what you want for yourself. Are you good with being APs? Because that is whats on offer here. 5.after seeing my MM lie,sneak around,betray hiswife and disrespect her in countless ways,all while putting on a great show for her, i kind of realised,replacing her isnt such a great deal. When i found myself feeling sorry for her,i knew i would get over him. I am five months in to NC. I had a really bad moment last week (which i shared here) but for the most part i am so glad i ended it. Be strong. Dont fall back in to the same old patterns. There is something so much better for you out there. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 We had been fighting for the last few days after I caught him in another lie. It was the first time I actually confronted him and called him out. Of course he denied it (don't they all). So I sent a text saying we should end...he agreed. I know it was all out of anger but THIS time...I can not go back. I need to move on in my life and will find a love so deserving of me. I CAN NOT be crumbs of his life and last. I deserve SO much better that that. Although one minute I want to ball my eyes out...most of the time I am feeling relieved. I am just hoping I can remain strong and move on. Thank you all for your words...they mean a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 You are worried about going back. Do you feel worried that you will be too weak and reach out to him again first? Or, do you worry that he will reach out to you again first and you will give in? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 You are worried about going back. Do you feel worried that you will be too weak and reach out to him again first? Or, do you worry that he will reach out to you again first and you will give in? Both but mostly me! Last year this time we broke up for about 3 months NC. I reached out (shouldn't have ) but I missed him in my life. Even though he deceived me back then also. He told me when I broke up with him last time it was one of the most painful experience's of his life. A few weeks ago...he told me when he's back in reality (with wife)...he wants to kill himself. I felt bad for him actually. I can't understand my obsession with this man. I have NEVER in my life been like this with any man. I don't understand myself but I know it's toxic for me and MUST move on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 A few weeks ago...he told me when he's back in reality (with wife)...he wants to kill himself. I felt bad for him actually. I don't think he meant that literally. He just meant that he feels miserable, but that is his own doing. And, yes, affairs make people delirious. Time to stop the madness. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 What does he lie to you about? I was 7 years on and off in an A. It was the most unstable, insecure time in my life and there have been quite a few. The trick is not to cave in and reach out again. The longer you have been in the A the more difficult it will be to stay out. I do wish you all the best. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecoveringSlowly Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I ended it today. After 4 years of on and off again...I can't go back! I will be coming here for support and to gather my life back to where it was years ago. I CAN NOT go back to him again!!! For years I am positive I have made is life/marriage more tolerable. I was his escape from his boring life. Although his wife has known about me all this time....I feel bad for her. She doesn't have the confidence to leave him....but I do. I can not tolerate his lying. The fog I had been in has lifted for the last year and I finally see him for what he really his. I have NO trust for him. Without trust...you have nothing. Anyone who has made it through this beginning stages...feel free to offer support I want you to try something for me, if you are willing. Today, the first day of your freedom, I want you to take a post it note, and write something on it. Something that has nothing to do with him. A way that you are strong, a dream that you have, your fondest wish. Keep him out of it. Stick the post it note on your fridge. Tomorrow, do the same thing, and the day after that. Write what you deserve, write what makes you happy, write what you want in a good, positive loving relationship. Then, when you feel like you cannot do anything but call him, before you do that, I want you to rip up each and every one of those post it notes and throw it away. Acknowledge that as you call him YOU are destroying your hopes and dreams for the future. YOU are deciding what you are worth. If you can do it, if you can throw away everything for him, then you are stuck. But if you can't, if you reach one dream or thought that is so special that you cannot bear to throw it away, then you have your answer. Hold that thought, know that you deserve it, and set about finding it for yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I know it's hard but you did the right thing. Just expect him to return and want you back again. And usually it's the "let's be friends" thing that he'll suggest. Don't let yourself get sucked into that. Just stay strong. No one needs this stuff in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 wow... you just wasted 4 precious years of your life. was it worth it? NO it wasn't. Although at times I felt loved and cared by him and we amazing times. I'm not sure if it was all just a game for him....to say things to keep me around. Where we live and his isolated job...mistresses are very hard to find. I feel good seeing the light and getting out of the fog. I just hope I can keep it that way Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I wonder if you said lets end it in anger then when he agreed it hurt and set you off so much that the anger made you temporarily strong but once the ache for him and the missing him sets in you wont be able to keep your strength. But you called him an obsession, not the greatest love of your life or anything romantic. Its gonna take EVERYTHING you have to be done. You've gotta mean it. 2 years plus recovery is what your looking at. Im so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 I wonder if you said lets end it in anger then when he agreed it hurt and set you off so much that the anger made you temporarily strong but once the ache for him and the missing him sets in you wont be able to keep your strength. But you called him an obsession, not the greatest love of your life or anything romantic. Its gonna take EVERYTHING you have to be done. You've gotta mean it. 2 years plus recovery is what your looking at. Im so sorry. You are exactly correct. SO many times in the past we have done this type of breakup. And I'm afraid I am just angry at the moment and will cave in time (again). My heart is telling me one thing...but my head is telling me it's time to let go. I have loved him and still do however I can not allow this man...or any treat me this way. I am finally seeing him for what he is...a liar and cheat. Of course the head was always cloudy with their lies. You want to believe them that they love you, don't sleep with the wife, don't have sex etc. I finally don't and can't believe a word he says. That is the difference this time. I know I have a long road ahead. 1 year at least. I am not the type to just go out and jump into dating with another man to ease the pain. At some point I will...but only when I am ready. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I'm proud of you for walking away. It's really hard and I promise you that even though you have your clarity now about who he is, there will be times that you think "I don't care, I know who he is, and I miss him and the affair." This is your brain lying to you! You HAVE to be prepared for that, because it almost always happens. Stay focused. This probably derailed your life a lot, but you're taking good steps getting it back on track. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 You are exactly correct. SO many times in the past we have done this type of breakup. And I'm afraid I am just angry at the moment and will cave in time (again). My heart is telling me one thing...but my head is telling me it's time to let go. I have loved him and still do however I can not allow this man...or any treat me this way. I am finally seeing him for what he is...a liar and cheat. Of course the head was always cloudy with their lies. You want to believe them that they love you, don't sleep with the wife, don't have sex etc. I finally don't and can't believe a word he says. That is the difference this time. I know I have a long road ahead. 1 year at least. I am not the type to just go out and jump into dating with another man to ease the pain. At some point I will...but only when I am ready. The first few weeks will be the hardest. Emotions will come in waves, and pain will be so great you will be telling yourself that anything is better than this. You will miss him and the affair, you will try to rationalize in your mind getting back in contact. You'll remember all the good things, and will forget all the times he made you feel like crap. And every break in NC will absolutely make you feel worse. You'll feel you'll losing more and more dignity, and like you'll letting him win....so dont go there and stay strong. Ride through emotions. Sit on them and don't react to them. They'll weaken over time. The pride and freedom you'll feel after you'll find yourself on the other side, will make it all worth it. Peace and love xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 You say mistresses are hard to find where you are. .. Are single men also hard to find? If I knew I was such a rare commodity..believe you me.. The stakes would be high and I would not accept any nonsense. Don't waste any more time. 4 years is way too long to have wasted.. If his wife knows about you and stays.... he'll never leave her. How many women would tolerate that? He's got it made. If you go back.. accept your position as a mistress for life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 You say mistresses are hard to find where you are. .. Are single men also hard to find? If I knew I was such a rare commodity..believe you me.. The stakes would be high and I would not accept any nonsense. Don't waste any more time. 4 years is way too long to have wasted.. If his wife knows about you and stays.... he'll never leave her. How many women would tolerate that? He's got it made. If you go back.. accept your position as a mistress for life. Yes...I believe that he has had it made. His wife tolerates his cheating...why I have no real idea. I have spoken with her so I know he wasn't lying about that. In my eyes I feel bad for her. He is a lying cheat and now believe he is nobody I would ever want. Don't get me wrong...I have dated others over the past years but have never found the connection I had with him Today...day 2 was a good day overall. I know I will have good and bad for a very long time Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Yes...I believe that he has had it made. His wife tolerates his cheating...why I have no real idea. I have spoken with her so I know he wasn't lying about that. In my eyes I feel bad for her. He is a lying cheat and now believe he is nobody I would ever want. Same here. I can only assume that MM is lying to her about being in contact with me, because I don't think she'd brook anymore nonsense from him. I could tell that he started to be extra-careful after D-Day. It makes me sad about the whole situation, honestly. But that has to be their issue to deal with, not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Oceansaway, how are you doing today? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 Oceansaway, how are you doing today? Thank you for asking. I am ok today. Just staying busy and getting ready for the holiday. I have not spoken to him. My phone is muted from his texts and I have not even checked to see if he has contacted me. I doubt he has but I do not even want to know. He is still VERY much on my mind of course and always has been. I know the first few weeks will be difficult and then it will get better....I hope Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Thank you for asking. I am ok today. Just staying busy and getting ready for the holiday. I have not spoken to him. My phone is muted from his texts and I have not even checked to see if he has contacted me. I doubt he has but I do not even want to know. He is still VERY much on my mind of course and always has been. I know the first few weeks will be difficult and then it will get better....I hope Stay strong, because he'll try his luck again soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Best of luck through all of this. Everyone is wishing you well and I think you are especially brave to do this around Christmas time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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