Samhain Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Absolutely untrue. When I was in my affair the one who lost status was his ex wife. So you had status because he was with you and not his ex wife since he left her. Which was exactly my point. He ain't left, so his wife still holds all that status. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Absolutely untrue. When I was in my affair the one who lost status was his ex wife. And you only gained status because he did leave her. Up until the day he left his wife still held the 'status'. However the OP is entangled with a serial cheater who will never leave his wife, quite different. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 So you had status because he was with you and not his ex wife since he left her. Which was exactly my point. He ain't left, so his wife still holds all that status. Don't listen to ignorant and hurtful comments intended to insult here... My FWB was married and took me out to dinner, bought me flowers every time he came over, and other stuff. He also insisted and did many repairs in my home/vehicle and was about to redesign my closet (he's an engineer - they like to build/fix stuff I guess). That's why I got emotionally attached - cuz I felt we were more than FWBs. So, I wasn't just a "hole" for him to insert his penis into...and while I didn't have a ring, so much to say for his wife who had "status" and ended up becoming his "ex" wife. But, OP, in your case, this guy seems like a bum and could care less about doing nice/sweet things for you; and, any bit of money he gets, he spends it on his wife and kids and you're not even a priority on his list. I wouldn't feel jealous/envious of his wife cuz the "status" she has isn't all that if you ask me. I bet ya she's probably having to pay his bills too. MM, bf, FWB/FB, friend or whatever - don't treat people better than they treat you. He, IMO, isn't doing right by you and doesn't deserve a darn thing from you. And quite frankly, the fact that he won't even get you a $10 Starbucks gift card after enjoying your body/company should result in you telling him to take a hike and never coming/looking back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 He's not going to want to live with "a relative" forever. Something like that could make him go back with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Oh yes, and to answer your question - my FWB's birthday was around Xmas so I got him Old Spice bodywash and Gucci's "Guilty" for men... IMO, he freakn' deserved it... Also, when he'd do repairs on my vehicle in the freakin' cold I'd greet him with a warm cup of coffee... And, when he'd come over and I'm still getting dressed...I'd serve him a beer/wine and tell him to chill and relax. Again, you treat people the way they treat you and I know how to treat a man who is/was treating me well...those little kind things is what made him realize that there was better out there than the bitter/cold his "ex" wife gave him...aka the one with "status". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I wasn't insulting anyone, the truth just comes across that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Anika, he did meet someone after we broke up. He said things were starting to get serious between us and he asked what the point was if our relationship couldn't grow. He felt selfish from keeping me from other guys who could take me out and wine and dine me whenever I wanted, so we agreed to stop. We did continue to have sex once a month, but the daily text messages stopped. During that period is when he met someone else. I'm not proud of going back with him after they stopped seeing each other, but to be fair, we weren't really "together" and talking all the time like before at the point he met someone else. Oh, good grief. I would have no respect for this guy. Sorry. He's just a cheater. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Um, how about No. In the future, Looking back at this you'll quickly realize, that at best, you're a MM's mistress. Cmon, have some self worth. The only difference between you and girl on the corner is that the girl on the corner has financial benefit. You don't. I always say the same thing; What would your answer be if your daughter came to you with this problem? Move on. Find a man that will spend time with you during the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 And you only gained status because he did leave her. Up until the day he left his wife still held the 'status'. However the OP is entangled with a serial cheater who will never leave his wife, quite different. I agree. You can't have status when you're a secret. The OP seems to be saying he's not living with his wife anymore....so are you openly together? If so, by all means get him a gift. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I wasn't insulting anyone, the truth just comes across that way. What truth? Have you ever been a OM? Not every OW is garbage that is a hole that a guy puts his penis into just for kicks. So, your "truth" isn't everyone's situation. The OP, yeah, she is with a douche, IMO...but seriously, with this guy being a douche, what "status" do you believe his wife has over the OW and/or "any" woman. This guy is no prize for anyone (wife or OW), so sorry, his wife and kids don't have "status" they have "convenience" for him. Probably just buying them gifts to give the impression that he's such a great dad/husband 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I agree. You can't have status when you're a secret. The OP seems to be saying he's not living with his wife anymore....so are you openly together? If so, by all means get him a gift. I'm sorry, but IMO, regardless if he's with his wife or not, if this is secret or not - the guy treats her poorly - he doesn't deserve her time/attention, much less a "gift" of ANY kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Sometimes. Each year I've given him a little something that I know he'd appreciate or make him laugh. Not expensive, under $50. He's given me a gift twice. One year was a bracelet bc I said I liked bracelets. Last year I felt was really thoughtful as I showed him something I'd just bought for myself. A couple hours later he called me to meet him again and gave me something that I needed to go with it. I thought that was sweet. Other than that, no other gifts. He always says he doesn't need anything and that it even takes him forever to use gift cards his kids give him. But, I enjoy giving so I do. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I'm sorry, but IMO, regardless if he's with his wife or not, if this is secret or not - the guy treats her poorly - he doesn't deserve her time/attention, much less a "gift" of ANY kind. As long as she's with him... The above aren't so relevant. By being with him any so cold bad treatment is being accepted. The OP has met his parents and he's not living with his wife anymore...they have become serious according to the OP..... She can't be all that much of a secret if he wants her to party at a relatives house as well as having met the folks. All that's left is for him to get the D underway... but if you're openly dating I think you should get him something. If I had left my H and was dating before the D was finalised....... I'd expect a gift. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 In general, I'd say no, don't get the MM anything. If you feel you absolutely must, get him a small thing. Nothing special. Not because you don't have "status". (I don't understand what that's even supposed to mean.) But because the act of buying something special for him is just another way for you to feel further attached to him. It's just building things up so there's further for you to fall. In your specific case, I'd say absolutely do not give him a gift. What he did is so screwed up. I can't believe you're okay with it. "He was with another woman but it was when we were broken up" would fly if he were single. (Though I'd still question how a guy could so quickly rush to another woman after he just dumped someone he supposedly had real feelings for.) But it doesn't set off any alarm bells for you that as a married guy, he was out looking for another woman right after ending things with you? Do you really have no concerns that he might be a serial cheater? Or are you putting up a strong front? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) I wasn't insulting anyone, the truth just comes across that way. You don't know my truth. We've exchanged very special heartfelt gifts with one another. I take gifting those I love in my world seriously. He did the same. Birthdays, Holidays etc. I wish I could list the items--but some are so unique it could identify us both. And he was there for me and my extended family in many ways during some of the most devastating times in our lives. We have helped one another because we care about one another. To dismiss all affairs to sex and using a person is ignorant and self serving. While our intimate connection is solid, when is the last time someone drove from another State (one and a half hours) to leave breakfast at your door and turn around and drive back? That was hardly for "a poke". OP--Keep your head up and enjoy Christmas with those you love and who treat you right. No Christmas gift for scrooge. Take Care. Edited December 21, 2015 by Doublegold 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Why wouldn't you buy a gift for him? He is your sometime, possibly, might, it could be possible guy? Even cheater, douches need a little reinforcement because they are humans, my wife isn't good to me so I find a doormat woman who has no self esteem might accept me....yeah, a gift! Reflect your life, you deserve more than this, G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 As long as she's with him... The above aren't so relevant. By being with him any so cold bad treatment is being accepted. The OP has met his parents and he's not living with his wife anymore...they have become serious according to the OP..... She can't be all that much of a secret if he wants her to party at a relatives house as well as having met the folks. All that's left is for him to get the D underway... but if you're openly dating I think you should get him something. If I had left my H and was dating before the D was finalised....... I'd expect a gift. We are openly dating before most people in his life, except his wife. I've met friends of his who know the wife as well, but they are more his friends so they supposedly won't say anything to her. I get along with his parents and met his extended family. Sandylee, we have a 5 year difference in age. I am not proud of going back with the man after he met another OW. People are assuming it was done while we were together and that he was immediately on the prowl after dumping me. After D-Day and to my surprise, he was forcing himself to choose between me and his wife. He had serious issues with letting the idea of us go, but he decided he wanted to see his kids every day. For the record, I did not want him to leave as I was not sure I was ready to take on that responsibility of being with him long-term. We kept seeing each other for a couple months after. Changing point was when he was dis-invited from the yearly family vacation, he fell into a depression and afterward, I felt a real detachment from him. Things felt different, and eventually daily communication stopped. He texted once in a while when he missed me (yes, sexually, but not only that) and I would give in and see him. That occurred about every month or so, but then I didn't hear from him for about 3. Which is when he met the other girl. After they stopped talking (when she smartened up) is when he re-established contact with me. I still felt he was distant and after my determined pestering, he admitted he met someone else. I was livid and we ended up going NC for 4 months. I heard from him again when his kids' sports schedule eased up. I ignored as much as I could, but eventually my loneliness got the best of me and we have been together ever since. Yes, I admit he messed up, but he is not a d-bag, doesn't give me cold treatment, like some posters stated. So yes, he does actually offer me more than a "$10 Starbucks gift card" after banging me. Whoever posted that did not read my story obviously. He's no longer living at home, I've met his friends and family. He tells me his schedule without my asking, sees me during whatever free time he has, it's not a complete 100% devotion/commitment that I'm receiving, but I feel like he does make the effort to see me and make me feel special. I seem to have been unclear in my original post. People here seem to be emphasizing the "status" thing. I'm not as concerned about that, as much as I am about whether or not I should be showing MM my heart. In other words, I guess as another poster said if I get him a present, it will allow me to be further attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) In general, I'd say no, don't get the MM anything. If you feel you absolutely must, get him a small thing. Nothing special. Not because you don't have "status". (I don't understand what that's even supposed to mean.) But because the act of buying something special for him is just another way for you to feel further attached to him. It's just building things up so there's further for you to fall. In your specific case, I'd say absolutely do not give him a gift. What he did is so screwed up. I can't believe you're okay with it. "He was with another woman but it was when we were broken up" would fly if he were single. (Though I'd still question how a guy could so quickly rush to another woman after he just dumped someone he supposedly had real feelings for.) But it doesn't set off any alarm bells for you that as a married guy, he was out looking for another woman right after ending things with you? Do you really have no concerns that he might be a serial cheater? Or are you putting up a strong front? I definitely questioned how he could move on so quickly. I don't think he was actively rushing to another woman, but more that the opportunity presented itself. I definitely questioned how he could move on so quickly, but realize he definitely has some emotional issues and even with me, his feelings developed way faster than I ever experienced. I think it depends on your definition of serial cheater lol. Cheating on his wife yes. But, he seems to stick to one OW at a time (I realize that sounds absurd). He stopped contacting me when he met her. After they were finished is when he texted me again. So technically... Edited December 21, 2015 by muchlovetogive Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 You don't know my truth. We've exchanged very special heartfelt gifts with one another. I take gifting those I love in my world seriously. He did the same. Birthdays, Holidays etc. I wish I could list the items--but some are so unique it could identify us both. And he was there for me and my extended family in many ways during some of the most devastating times in our lives. We have helped one another because we care about one another. To dismiss all affairs to sex and using a person is ignorant and self serving. While our intimate connection is solid, when is the last time someone drove from another State (one and a half hours) to leave breakfast at your door and turn around and drive back? That was hardly for "a poke". Thank you for this. I know that my R with MM was and still is far more than just sex. Sure, he's done some sh*thead things to his W, and I don't think that an A is fair to anyone. But we've known each other most of our lives, and we've been there for each other during some hard times. We came of age together. If he'd just wanted sex out of me, I would have known a long time ago. We were friends long before we were lovers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 Um, how about No. In the future, Looking back at this you'll quickly realize, that at best, you're a MM's mistress. Cmon, have some self worth. The only difference between you and girl on the corner is that the girl on the corner has financial benefit. You don't. I always say the same thing; What would your answer be if your daughter came to you with this problem? Move on. Find a man that will spend time with you during the holidays. I never thought I was anything more than a MM's mistress. I don't have a daughter, but would never tell my mother about this relationship. He does find time for me during the holidays. When he leaves his house to visit the other side of the family is when I spend time with him on holidays, as it was on Thanksgiving. And this Christmas Eve will be with the family and Christmas Day, he will be with me. He surprised me on my birthday with gifts and cake. He doesn't just f me and go. That is not our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 There's a good reason you wouldn't tell your mother about the relationship.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 When we got to my place, he asked me if I got him anything. I said nothing and he said what are you, cheap? I don't think the issue here is whether or not to get him a gift. I think the real issue is that, based on the above, he seems like an a**hole. And at this point, you'd be getting him something because he called you cheap. Link to post Share on other sites
CloudyHead Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 I would not get him a gift . . . The first year that MM and I were together we made plans to meet to exchange Christmas gifts. On the way to meet, MM bailed on me (some excuse of being with his family and not being able to get away . . .remember he is married) so I ended up taking his gift to his office and placing it outside the door. I can remember what I gave him. I can also remember how hurt I was that he bailed on me (after much discussion and planning to meet). I am sure he gave me a gift but I don't remember it . . . I just remember the hurt/pain from him bailing on me. So, based on my experience, I would not give him a gift. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 I know that my R with MM was and still is far more than just sex. i dare to say that MOST affairs are much more than just sex. it's usually friendship, you at the very least LIKE your affair partner. very rarely are affairs based on sex and sex only. i think post affair many try to downplay the entire situation and convince themselves and their respective betrayed spouses otherwise though. OP - if you want, buy him a gift. you do have a relationship with him & he wants to gift you so... i don't see why not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Muchlovetogive-- Sorry --I confused your post with Hope137's Christmas gift post (where he told her he couldn't afford to buy her a present but was telling her of the others he gifted). I would get yours a gift, he isn't a scrooge 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts