Am I being too controlling?

[tito1501]

I have always my phone close to me, so does my girlfriend.

During this one year that we are living together there has never been a moment that she had to reach me and did not get a response within one hour whe we are not together.

 

We live in a country where Wi-Fi and 3G is everywhere. However, I go crazy in my mind when she turns of her 3G or forgets her cellphone and does not receives or answers my messages after 3 hours.

 

I was thinking if I am acting normally or if I am exagerating. I just don't get it if this is SO easy to just answer the person you love. I do not demand that she replies me in 5 minutes, I just told her that, let's say, once per hour, I look at my phone to see if she had to talk to me and I expect something close to it.

 

Am I right by thinking this way ?

[Ojwasguilty]

I have always my phone close to me, so does my girlfriend.

During this one year that we are living together there has never been a moment that she had to reach me and did not get a response within one hour whe we are not together.

 

We live in a country where Wi-Fi and 3G is everywhere. However, I go crazy in my mind when she turns of her 3G or forgets her cellphone and does not receives or answers my messages after 3 hours.

 

I was thinking if I am acting normally or if I am exagerating. I just don't get it if this is SO easy to just answer the person you love. I do not demand that she replies me in 5 minutes, I just told her that, let's say, once per hour, I look at my phone to see if she had to talk to me and I expect something close to it.

 

Am I right by thinking this way ?

I think you already know the answer. You wouldn't ask this question if you weren't.

[TunaCat]

Dude, she has a LIFE.

 

Her life does not revolve around waiting around for your calls/texts.

 

Loosen up and stop being so rigid about this.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think your expectations are too high.

 

People go to school and work where they can't be using their phone all day, it just isn't practical. They might be at an appointment or spending time with family and friends, they might also just want some alone time.

 

These are all normal everyday things that we all should have the right to do without being on standby ready to answer the next call or text. Of course it is nice to have a quick response but it is unreasonable to always expect it.

[Cherryz]

Just by reading this i get annoyed in her place.

You really got a issue.

 

And if you dont stop she gonna break up with you in a fed up way!

Because you are annoying.

 

Beside people got lives. And things to do ,answering you the way you want it so you can feel at peace with yourself isnt one.

[tito1501]

Thank you for the insights guys!

However, I asked her if she thought I was being too controlling and she told me that I was not and she understood my point.

 

I don't know how to change this type of behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think you're being too needy.

 

She understands you point, but I promise it will wear her out quickly. My ex-boyfriend was like this.

 

What is your fear if she doesn't respond within what you consider a reasonable timeframe? That she is hurt, sick or with another guy?Why don't you trust her? I think answering these questions will help you to identify the real problems and thus work on resolving them.

[bathtub-row]

It's not her job to be on call for you continually. If she forgets her phone, your attitude will put her in a panic because she knows it upsets you not to be able to reach her.

 

I was once married to a very controlling person - and he was verbally abusive - and he once left me a scathing message on my phone because I didn't return his call right away. He had forgotten that I had an interview that morning. While I'm assuming that your behavior isn't that bad, I can tell you that it's no fun being with someone who is that needy and controlling.

 

Now, if she is the type of person who always has her phone on her, who always replies, etc, then your expectations wouldn't be too high. However, some people are just nonchalant about their phones and being reachable. If that's the way she is, you just need to accept it. There was a time when there were no cell phones and people weren't reachable all the time. Just because we now have that capability doesn't mean that we have to abide by other people's rules or expectations.

[Space Ritual]

People are too attached to their electronic devices anyway it is sad that people seem to think they can't live without them.

 

Expecting someone to drop everything and let you know what they are doing at all times is a bit selfish don't you think?

 

I knew of a guy named Tito that expected that, he was a Dictator, and a crappy one at that.

 

Be a different kind of Tito, and not a Yugolsavian Cement Headed Dictator.

[smackie9]

Thank you for the insights guys!

However, I asked her if she thought I was being too controlling and she told me that I was not and she understood my point.

 

I don't know how to change this type of behavior.

You shouldn't have to because she isn't doing anything wrong.

 

The amount of time one spends communicating to you on a device is NOT a measure of how much they care for you.

 

 

If you don't like it then that means you are not compatible and should find another GF, one who lives on her phone.

[Popsicle]

This may come as a surprise to you, but sometimes people just don't feel like talking. At all, to anyone.

 

Doesn't mean it will stay that way forever, but you have to give a person some space sometimes.

[Space Ritual]

I don't know how to change this type of behavior.

 

 

Get the Hell off your phone, Tito!!!

 

Seriously there is a huge world out there beyond a little screen and a ringtone. I often rail against people who have been on LS for less than a year and have 4000 posts for not having much of a life, but really there are plenty of things you can do without having to be on the phone. Like reading books, walking and enjoying the sunlight, you get the idea...lol.

 

Please don't let electronics rule your life.

 

You ever see people walking down the street with their heads down looking at their devices and wonder how fun it would be to come up from behind them and trip them, and take their phone and smash it into the sidewalk or push them in to the street only to be run over by a truck because they never looked up to see what was in front of them?

 

I often do. lol

[BlueIris]

I grew up pre-cell-phone and pre-answering-machine. I find cell phones intrusive and stress-inducing. People didn’t used to wig out if they couldn’t reach someone within a few hours or a day or two. But then again, they talked face to face more often and even dropped by each other’s homes without everybody wigging out too.

 

I agree to get off your cell phone. It could be fun and challenging. Maybe you and your GF could both do it for a week, or more, and see how your communications change.

[Bom]

I have always my phone close to me, so does my girlfriend.

During this one year that we are living together there has never been a moment that she had to reach me and did not get a response within one hour whe we are not together.

 

We live in a country where Wi-Fi and 3G is everywhere. However, I go crazy in my mind when she turns of her 3G or forgets her cellphone and does not receives or answers my messages after 3 hours.

 

I was thinking if I am acting normally or if I am exagerating. I just don't get it if this is SO easy to just answer the person you love. I do not demand that she replies me in 5 minutes, I just told her that, let's say, once per hour, I look at my phone to see if she had to talk to me and I expect something close to it.

 

Am I right by thinking this way ?

 

Yes you are controlling, no, you are not right by thinking this way.

[preraph]

You do realize that before smartphones, people didn't hear from their partners all day until they got home from work and got along just fine? You are being awfully jealous and needy thinking you need to hear from her once an hour and you are also jeopardizing her and your employment because this means you'll be wasting time all day at work. You have bad insecurity issues and should work on those and not subject women to them until you do. This is about you, not her.

[d0nnivain]

Just because we have the technical ability to stay in tough 24/7 does not mean it's a good idea.

 

You need to disconnect from your phone & stop expecting it to be glued to her hand / head.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I have always my phone close to me, so does my girlfriend.

During this one year that we are living together there has never been a moment that she had to reach me and did not get a response within one hour whe we are not together.

 

We live in a country where Wi-Fi and 3G is everywhere. However, I go crazy in my mind when she turns of her 3G or forgets her cellphone and does not receives or answers my messages after 3 hours.

 

I was thinking if I am acting normally or if I am exagerating. I just don't get it if this is SO easy to just answer the person you love. I do not demand that she replies me in 5 minutes, I just told her that, let's say, once per hour, I look at my phone to see if she had to talk to me and I expect something close to it.

 

Am I right by thinking this way ?

 

I'm going to offer a different view, although it may not be what you want to hear,

But if prior to this, she was always available, then maybe you have a legitimate fear,

Turning off your 3G on your smartphone is something you have do manually,

It's not something that's automatic, or even something you can do gradually.

 

If she's not asking for space, or you have no extenuating problems to face,

Then suddenly cutting down contact would be a problem with which I could relate,

As most people in the present generally have their phone glued to their hand,

I can see why you would question the lack or communication; I can understand.

 

Before you let your imagination get the better of you,

Address any problems, however small, or even if they are few,

However, should you fear the worst, then do your homework on this,

Clock the times, check her patterns, to see if something is amiss.

 

Before you open pandora's box, let me throw caution to you,

This may end badly, even if you have nothing to fear too,

For the suggestion that something doesn't seem quite right,

Could cause a riff in your romance, and the start of the relationship-ending fight.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Thank you for the insights guys!

However, I asked her if she thought I was being too controlling and she told me that I was not and she understood my point.

 

I don't know how to change this type of behavior.

 

So if she doesn't think you are controlling, then this must be something you are concerned about yourself.

 

Do you feel anxious if you are not in control of a situation? Do you have feelings of jealousy or anger that you find hard to control?

 

If that is the case, you might benefit from some counselling to get to the root of these issues and help change that type of behavior. It is better to fix a problem sooner rather than later.

[crederer]

Thank you for the insights guys!

However, I asked her if she thought I was being too controlling and she told me that I was not and she understood my point.

 

I don't know how to change this type of behavior.

 

Ok, well if all of this is true, she either has a hard time being honest with you or she's being deceptive.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

It's not like she is ignoring you for days at a time.

 

Because of work, I often don't have a chance to return calls or texts until the next day. It's no big deal and not evidence of anything illicit.

[Spectre]

I think the OP is wrong, but I am also somewhat sympathetic to his plight. By this I mean: I have known women who literally seem to be attached at the hip to their phone. They ALWAYS have it, they always have it on and charged, they are always messing around on it doing one thing or another.

 

So in this day and age I can see how some people might expect to be in communication a lot.

[sandylee1]

It's not controlling to me.

 

If I'm in a meeting then I'm not able to respond to a text... so there would be a delay, but otherwise it's reasonable.

 

My brother mentioned this being a problem with his ex wife who never responded to his messages or calls. I think it's rude not to respond where an answer is required.

 

If I get a message with stuff like "I love you so much, you're the best wife I don't always respond straight away .... because I like to think about a nice response..... but otherwise I will reply within an hour.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Get the Hell off your phone, Tito!!!

 

 

Yeah! That's what I'm thinking, it's not just about being controlling and needy but it's about YOUR attachment to your phone and being able to get a hold of her at every single minute of every day. Just leave it in your room sometimes and go do something!!

 

I'm telling you that as a girl, in a relationship, I would NEVER be able to tolerate that kind of intrusiveness. If I'm out with my friends or at work or doing my hobby my guy would NEVER think of demanding that I stop everything to assuage his insecurities or whatever.

[Spectre]

Yeah! That's what I'm thinking, it's not just about being controlling and needy but it's about YOUR attachment to your phone and being able to get a hold of her at every single minute of every day. Just leave it in your room sometimes and go do something!!

 

I'm telling you that as a girl, in a relationship, I would NEVER be able to tolerate that kind of intrusiveness. If I'm out with my friends or at work or doing my hobby my guy would NEVER think of demanding that I stop everything to assuage his insecurities or whatever.

 

I get what you are saying but I also have a problem with the wording. In that people seem to act like the idea of taking 30 seconds out to send a text is some huge inconvenience.

[smackie9]

The best thing to do is to compromise. Discuss each others expectations, like when is it a good time to text, the importance of the messages, and what is acceptable.

 

You don't need to text "sup" or "how's your day going".....IMO that can wait till you get home. You are not teenagers, you are adult common law partners.

 

My god if my husband kept texting me about things that can wait till I got home I would lose it. Texting is not tolerated at my work anyways, it's counter productive. You get written up for it.

 

My husband actually calls me which I prefer, but I guess it's just my generation. The info from a phone call is way quicker than texting.

 

IMO texting has created an insecure/needy generation.