I'm stuckblokes wife

[welshie]

hiya - to address this size thing - I'm 5'4 and I wear a size uk 12-14 which is a us 8-10. I'm not fat - I am a bit chubby, but I'm luck y in that I'm fairly pretty (so people say and I carry weight really well - lots of people say I 'm fine as I am and I don't need to lose any weight - some people say I do

 

I guess the problem is that when I met him I was a size uk 10, us 6. I've been up and down over the decade we've been together but particularly since we got married - every time ~I put weight on he stops having sex with me - this is the first time he has outrightly rejected me about my body but Ive always known he prefers skinny women and have always felt the rejection. the times when our marriage has been most vulnerable I can see a pattern where I have been heavier. he told me a few days ago that he really found me attractive when I was slimmer, and I'm not cross about that becasue I think most people would admit to that about their spouses if pushed to say it.

 

H is 7 years older than me - he's 37 this year, I'm 30 this month.

 

I understand that he prefers a certain body type and that will naturally cause a visual sexual reaction, however, I do think that if you love someone you accept their body no matter what. I think that because there are so many issues we are going to have to deal with, he was already at a stage where he completely disliked me, he's actually said that he hated me during the time that he was with her. He doesnt hate me now by the way. he's tried to explain that if we had more fulfilling sex he would accept my body more, but he doesn't seem to get that one of the reasons we dont have fulfilling sex is becasue he rejects my body. It's like an ever decreasing circle.

 

either he is so shallow that he really thinks that body shape matters incredibly or he's so hurt that he's on an everything has to change mode - which includes my figure. one of the things which has hurt me most is when I read his post and he said that he has NEVER liked my body, even from before we got married. If he was a complete stud I could understand it -if he was in the entertainment industry or a model then I understand why people impress a certain image on their partners, even though I dont condone it. image is just as much an addiction if you let it be - and I know because I'm a singer and I used to be completely obsessed with my body. He's not physically amazing - there are parts about his body that I like but the parts I dont I just accept as him - I've never asked him to change for me, apart from at the moment becasue he's lost about 35 pounds since christmas and he's underweight now, and I think he needs to put some weight on.

 

it's a very difficult subject, I didn't carry our son particularly well - my body was ravaged by pregnancy, my middle is covered in stretch marks and I had an emergency section - for anyone who has had a ceasarean you'll know what I mean when I say it isn't pretty. If any one watches extreme makeover or the swan, I'm a classic case for a tummy tuck and lipo on my tummy hips and thighs I actually think that my body shape is increrdibly normal - I'm not particularly overweight although I am probably 28 pounds heavier that when he met me at the moment. And of course, I no longer have a young sexy midrif and I know thats one of the main areas aside from the obvious that men find sexually stimulating. what bothers me is that I have to come to terms with how much I dislike those parts of my body, and I have to live with it - why can't he?

 

we have talked lots about this, and I've asked him what happens when we get older and our skin loses its elasticity, and we get fatter and droopier - he has no answer - the problem is that I know he doesnt love me in the way he used to at the moment, so any endearing feelings that compensate for all my little flaws arent there. and of course he has recently exprienced in a very full on way a young slim sporty body type (size us6)who he had some 'amazing' sex with (I feel sick at this - but thats the fact) and because our sex life has been way less than good for a long time - although I have to say that as he embarked on the affair we had for the first time in our marriage started having regular sex - only once weekly, but it had been monthly perhaps twice monthly for years, and when I was pregnant and breastfeeding he didn;t want to know - he said he found my body repulsive when I was breast feeding.

 

the reason it's so hard is becasue both of us have high sex drives(even though it doesnt sound as if we do) - a lot of this unfortunately is wrapped up in the way we treated our feelings when we were abstaining before we got married. we had lots of sex with previous partners and before we gve up sex we had 'normal' start sexually to a relationship

 

we both bought a sex therapy book today and a recommended book on coping with/recovering from affairs. I'm hoping our mc will help. and when we can afford it we'll see a sex therapist.

 

we have some feelings of arousal when we kiss and get intimate but they're not what they should be, and I guess becasue as he put it he was sexually fulfilled with this girl he knows that he can feel differently. I don't dissagree with him here, our sex life has needed to be addressed since we got married, and we can both see in hindsight where it went wrong - the question is can we salvage that and have a fulfilling sex life?

 

My feeling is that we cant unless we sort out the other major issues we have at the moment and if he cant accept my body at all - the sex aint gonna happen because I wont relax and be able to express myself freely.

 

but he still maintains that if our sex was more fulfilling, my body wouldnt be such an issue. and that's all to do with loving each other unconditionally and learning to find one another again, we have no idea if that will happen, we've both said that we can see it's possible - so there's some hope, but I'm not sure whether he really wants to at the moment - and I cant tell becasue he still has her in his head. Part of that is my fault at the moment becasue I have over the passed 2 days started being angry at her - as he says, I keep reminding him of her when I ask questions or talk about her. So I need to get it out of my system and stop.

 

 

the other problem is this - H is not a bad guy - he has behaved like an absolute B since december 19th 2004 but essentially he 's lovely. People are literally shocked by his behaviour and what he's done, it is completely out of character for him. it's like he had a personality transplant when he met her and began the infidelity. I don't know if that man is still there - but I suspect he is, if he isn't and he's changed so much that we are now completely different people and not compatible anyomre then so be it - but I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away the man I chose to be my life partner and my whole life and replace it for another one because I was too hasty to find out the truth. we have some major issues in our marriage which contributed to this man feeling that he didnt have anything to lose and therefore having an affair - he's never cheated before in his life, and while I portion NO BLAME on myself for his infidelity and his behaviour toward me during the affair - I have to address the issues in our marriage which brought us to where we are today - 1 is sex, 2 is anger/frustration, 3 is finances/day to day etc but the biggest is our lack of effective open communication. there are resentments and hurts that we have unravelled from before we even got married which have contributed to how we speak/respond to each other selfishly.

 

I dont know if we can salvage this but as you can probably tell we've worked though a lot of the marriage builders website already and discovered a lot about why we've hurt each other so badly over particularly the passed 7 1/2 years. he maintains that he wants to see if we have a chance at working things out - I have lots of feelings about that, but thats another post, becasue I'm getting off the point again. he told me bout the affair after he had ended it with support from you guys. I didnt discover it - although I suspected all along (right from word go)His image of me was completley negative when he started posting on here, and his view of me is much more positive now even though it isn not enough for me yet. I dont know if it will be, and if it isn't- again I know that the marriage relationship will end.

 

if there is healing there we need it - today and yesterday we prayed together for the first time in I dont know how long, and we certainly arent hyper spiritual but there is something significant in that - although I dont know what it is.

 

we're trying - and we need help. It's difficult, but we have to do this I guess.

[welshie]

thank you for that post lady you wrote it while I was writing that mammoth reply to the others - I agree completely with you - you['re much better at saying things succinctly than I am.

 

he is still in the fog - I don't know and won't know any answers about us and the future of us until he comes out of it- whenever that is. I understand that.

[lindya]

All the best Welshie. I hope the two of you can work this out together in a therapeutic way. You need some healing from all of this, and I hope your husband can bear that in mind when things get difficult. Solemate made a really sound point about betrayed spouses having the dual task of dealing with their feelings of rejection whilst trying to be loving towards their partner. You sound like an exceptional person who is trying her very best to do that, and taking care of a young child into the bargain.

 

Hopefully your husband's eyes will open up to all of this, and he'll realise that being with someone like you is his good fortune and not simply the decent thing to do.

[whichwayisup]

Welshie, you have incredible insight already in such a short period of time.

 

I really hope that you see yourself as a beautiful woman, believe in yourself. I also hope your husband sees you this way as I think his "ideal" visually of how he THINKS you should look is just plain disrespectful. Age, childbearing, stress, life etc - ALL come into play and our bodies change...Yeah we don't like it, it just happens but the last thing any of us expect is our spouses to not find us sexy/attractive anymore.

 

Keep the positive thoughts. They seem to be helping you both.

[MiChick43]

I see a lot of the sexual stuff in your husband that I experienced in my past.

 

We were Mormon. We may have necked but never got nekkid and had intercourse. So, because we held back for spiritul reasons, which looking back wasted 17 years of his life and mine, we had no clue if we would turn eachother on after the marriage.

 

I found myself totally unattracted to his body. We were just not a good fit at all. Now he seemed fine with mine. Heck I was 18 he was 27. My body was pretty good back then it was me doing all the rejecting. I would go months without giving into his sexual requests.

 

Then I had my affair. With our builder. I had never had such wonderful sex. He was very attractive and treated me like a princess. I was never emotionally abused, or physically. But for the first time I realized how wonderful sex could be with someone I was really attracted to. I was not, oddly enough, inlove with this man. I ended the affair and actually told my husband about it. We lived for the next seven years even more unhappy then we were before. But only because there was nothing to build upon. I never loved him. So I didnt have the desire to rebuild anything.

 

 

I think, from reading your posts , you have a pretty good attitude towards this whole thing. This thread has tugged my heart strings. And I sincerly hope all works out. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I hope husband opens his eyes and heart soon and sees what a wonderful person he has created that child with.

 

Huggles

[welshie]

today I feel like I might explode.

 

we had a family trip that has been in the diary for about 2 months with all of our NCT group today - all about the kids - 5 little best friends going to a farm adventure place for the day.

 

after the week that we've had I was not particularly looking forward to it but yesterday had seemed such a positive day that I thought we could get through it ok.

 

H has decided to day that he is in withdrawal again - yesterday he was fine - I know I'm being sarcastic now and I'm not so obtuse that I dont realise that these feelings come and go but because to day was a public outing with a group of friends who all know the situation I desperately felt I needed him to publically show me affirmation. (which I asked him to do for me on the way there) Of course H didn't feel like it - and the whole circle of hurt and selfishness began again - at least I can see the pattern now.

 

one of my big problems - I've been treated like dirt for 6months - I 've been told he's 'in love ' with a young girl - doesnt love me anymore and he hates my body - had to admit and realise just how bad my marriage was before all of this - agree to accept him back, work on my marriage, spend a week not eating and dealing with the crisis of the affair coming to light. try and deal with the tip of the iceburg that is my pain, hurt, sadness and rejection and then try and be reasonable and find some hope in the situation and then I'm supposed to wait until he can make his mind up about focusing on us or not.

 

I understand that he's in withdrawal and I understand he needs time but am I supposed to take all of that crap then wait on my pretty little arse for another 3 MONTHS! before he can be human to me again and stop being so selfishly preoccupied by her? (I guess the answer is yes)

 

I feel like a punchbag. I know it's my choice - I know we've made that choice to try, but my goodness how hard can this be!?

 

I'm so angry at the moment I feel like confronting her. I dont want to give her the satisfaction of this and it's not my style at all - but I feel like putting sugar in her exhaust pipe! or paying a load of young thugs to smash her car up. I have fantasies about seeing her in the cafe where they used to meet every day and pouring a drink all over her just to humiliate her.

 

and of course I wont do any of these things becasue none of them will really help - and I'll end up more humiliated than anyone which is exactly how I feel at the moment - HOW DARE HE do this to me!

 

somebody tell me how I can deal with this anger - it's eating me up - at the moment I cant even talk to him and thats doing more damage than good - or is it - should I be angry with him I just dont know how to do this!

 

someone help me with some suggestions PLEASE.....

[lindya]

He seems to be very much absorbed in giving you (and everyone else, for that matter) the message that he's a basically decent guy who's going to "do the right thing by you" even though his poor heart is breaking about the untimely demise of this affair he had. Presumably you're supposed to be grateful for this, appreciate his need to cry and go through cold turkey ad nauseam - and tolerate endlessly the sight of him alternating between self-congratulation ("I want to do the honourable thing") and faux self-flagellation.

 

I know you have a son, so I suggest this with a little trepidation - but could it now be time for your husband to leave the marital home?

[MiChick43]

I totally agree with lindya. Maybe this man really needs to see what life would be like , day to day, without his son and his wife by his side. Maybe you both need some alone time. Maybe he needs to see that you will not be his doormate and there could be a life without him , for you.

 

I understand you want to give him time to get over this affair. But when you think about it...how silly is that? You are his wife. The affair should not have happened in the first place. It should be HE that is worried sick about your reactions, intentions and withdraws. Not the other way around.

 

I would find it very hard to live with a man that was so obvously showing is sadness for losing the other woman.

 

My opinion only, of course, but I would ask him to leave. That you need time to decide what it is you want again. And its difficult for you to decide while he is mourning another woman.

 

Welshie, I think you have been really wonderful through all of this. Your H has a lot of self centered behavior. He has truely not given me, and for what its worth...typing online can be misleading and now show real emotions, I understand that, the impression he is a man that can care for anyone less then a barbie doll, just to feed his own ego.

 

Sorry for the harshness. I dont mean it to be mean.

 

Huggls

[MiChick43]

Sorry my brain goes faster then my fingers and my keyboard is broken....

 

I understand that, the impression he is a man that can care for anyone less then a barbie doll, just to feed his own ego.

 

Sorry for the harshness. I dont mean it to be mean.

 

 

 

I meant to say: the impression is he is a man that can not care for anyone less then a barbie doll, just to feed his own ego.

[Ladyjane14]

Coping with the Anger is a toughie. I had lots of good support from a highly motivated partner. I felt better when he was near me, and immediately angry again whenever I was on my own. But he did his best to help me feel secure again, and in time....the anger dissipated.

 

You're not getting the kind of support that I had....and much like what Lindya has suggested, if it were me.....I'd have probably shown him the door by now. I wouldn't want a man who didn't want to be with me.

 

But....if I had asked him to leave, it might have been a mistake on my part. Because this "withdrawal" is TEMPORARY. Eventually, stuckbloke must leave the fantasy. A fantasy is just that....it's not reality. So, if the marriage is reconciled or not, the fantasy will eventually have to come to an end.

 

I can easily identify with the anger that you have towards OW. Other Woman is practically a misnomer for her....Other Girl is more like it. What woman among us could tell her ass from her elbow at age 22? What woman among us wouldn't change a few things if we could reach back in time, and just shake the living crap out of our youthful selves?

 

So, imagine if you will the psychological mess that girl must be, involving herself with a 37 year-old man. Hell, stuckbloke might be holding up fairly well for his age, but at 37.....he probably looks like the Crypt-Keeper in comparison to guys her age. She's probably out "wookin' pa nub" because her daddy didn't pay enough attention to her while she was growing up. How can you be jealous of THAT? She's likely a confused little girl, out playing with big girl toys.

 

And on top of all that....TIME will come for her just like it does for us all. Then, her sh*t will be bagging and sagging too!

 

This is where you might consider engaging a certain amount of sympathy....well, pity really. That girl isn't worth your anger. You give her a gift when you allow her that kind of influence over you. And hasn't she already helped herself to enough?....sloughing off her sloppy search for legitimacy onto your life.

 

Anyway, DazednConfused has a long thread on here somewhere. And he talks at length about the anger. One of the tools he utilized was to chop wood. Physical exersize. Instead of "feeling like a punchbag", why not try utilizing one? Or whatever other physical exersize that you enjoy?

 

You might also consider journaling out your feelings. If you can keep your journal private, that is.

 

Don't lose sight of the fact that stuckbloke is pushing you. If your marriage fails, then he will be free to pursue his fantasy, right?

 

Some people wake-up, step out of the fog, and say to themselves...."OMG, what the hell was I thinking?". Others are bound to go out in search of the Holy Grail of their fantasy....only to eventually uncover the illusion.

 

The window of time that you offer to stuckbloke is an opportunity yet to "wake-up" before it's too late. The tragedy here is that the "window" will close with a snap....and you won't be able to control it when it does. One day, you'll be fine and full of hope....the next, you'll be DONE.

 

Check out DevilDog's thread in the Separation and Divorce forum. The days are very much like straws on the proverbial camel's back. You never know which one will break it.

 

Try to be patient. You'll be glad later on no matter what happens, that you gave him this chance. And don't wear your heart on your sleeve. WS's are NOT trustworthy. He's still "under-the-influence", and half of what he says right now.... he'll be happy to cut his tongue out over later.....when (and if) he gets back.

[welshie]

so today has been really odd.

 

last night I found a topless picture of her and a normal picture of her that he had forgotten to delete from his computer - he was mortified to realise that they were still there and of course I refused to let him take the laptop away and I looked at them. now I have a face to match the faceless images that have been in my head since he confessed to me.

 

now, after a very heavy week we both had our first day's back at work since the crisis management of me being told about the affiar.

 

I threw up today in the middle of teaching a music lesson - I excused myself went to the bathroom and was sick. it seems every thing that I see or hear reminds me of her.

 

I went to aerobics tonight - the young girls bodies reminded me of her. I was eating my food in the living room and I thought of her eating food when he took her out to dinner which reminded me that he took her out to dinner when he lied about spending the night in London, when they got a hotel together. I watched a movie tonight with him and all of the happy momnets when the couple are just meeting and flirting at the beginning of the relationship - reminded me painfully of them. why can't I remember us like that? and why cant he?

 

I 'm reminded constantly of the sex, pictures are runnning through my head and it's torture, and I cant talk to him about it becasue we're supposedly doing the nc thing off marriage builders.

 

all I seem to be reimnded of with us is how disfunctional our marriage was before all this - it seems as if all my happy memories have gone away for a while. I hope they come back.

 

I'm very self consoius about him looking at me - I cant get undressed in front of him and I am starting to feel a little paranoid that he's watching me with disgust when ever I put my hair up or eat something. all of the littel things that I do to prepare myself for the day or tidy the house or whatever, I'm acutely aware of, and feel I'm being scrutinised - I know he would probably think that ridiculous if I told him - so he can read it on here instead. I guess it's all tied up with the rejection and the feeling of not being good enough - even though I KNOW that I'm more than good enough - I cant help the feelings.

 

Today H was banned from driving for 6 months - he's been speeding. It's as if he has lost his grip on reasonable behaviour - he feels rotten - its as if something s finally breaking inside him and he;s starting to really realise what he's been doing over the passed 6months -and of course here I am again to pick up the pieces. (so 'm now the taxi driver too)

 

I want to move house, becasue this house reminds me of the time she was here when I was away working, I want to get rid of our sofa becasue I know they had sex on it, I want to smash the camera (our camera) that he filmed them having sex with - I know this is probably normal but it's so irrational - I just want to exorcise her from my life. (and from my husband)

 

it;'s like everything has turned sour.

 

will I ever get over this? I seem to be coping ok - I have my first therapy session booked on thursday. I'm looking after myself (better than I was anyway) I'm managing a small meal a day now (which I wasnt before) I'm exercising, I'm looking good, but inside my heart is broken and I feel like everything is crashing down. I constantly feel sick. my first thought/sight/whatever as soon as I open my eyes is an image of them together

 

it's completely doing my head in - and I know he'll read this - which is fine - I've just told him how I'm feeling, but I also know it's just going to remind him of her (little cow!)

 

 

he took out a loan today (under my suggestion) to pay for the roof, and took out an extra £500 - the amount he used to go on holiday with her and told me I'm to spend it on myself - the problem is while there are loads of things I could spend it on - it's SUCH a lot of money - and I don't feel that I can. Is this just low self esteme? amI in self pity mode or is this to be expected?

 

is sheer will power the only way I can get rid of these thoughts? or are there any tips anyone can give me?- I feel like I'm plagued. I refuse to become an obsessed betrayed spouse who lives her life acocrding to the other woman and details of the affair

[ConfusedInOC]

Welshie:

 

I hate to say this, but even though I forgave my ex for cheating on me, I never, EVER forgot. Sure, eventually I thought less and less about it, but much like a severe wound, it may heal but the scar will always be there. And when the sh*t hit the fan, you can bet I would hold that above her head every chance I got. It was not healthy for the relationship to discuss it.

 

I do not understand your insistence to stay married. I believe Moose has give you the best advice of all. Adultery is the only sin in which God will allow for divorce. THE ONLY ONE. If God feels that strongly about adultery and will not excuse it, why should you????

 

I'm very sorry and can almost completely empathize with you. But in this case, please stop torturing yourself. You deserve a better man.

[MiChick43]

Amen.

 

There are some great men out there. Let H leave. Let him chase his fantasy. I can assure you at her, OW, age she will not want him long. Some young stud will come along more then willing to take over for her much older lover. Then where will your H be? Maybe by then youll be involved with a real man. And H will get what he deserves.

Nothing.

 

Hugs, Chick

[EnigmaXOXO]

Welshie, I feel sick for you. I honestly do. But you are certainly a stronger, more patient woman than I am, so I am reluctant to hazard a guess as to how this will all eventually play out for you.

 

While your marital relationship dies its slow death, your husband's affair relationship has stalled abruptly and almost reluctantly, long before either of them had an opportunity to see the warts on each other's face. Without a history, his few memories of that other woman are only positive ones which keeps him addicted to the fantasy. She's the 'forbidden fruit' … the pot-o-gold at the end of his mid-life rainbow. Perhaps the only way to put a pin in his proverbial bubble is to lift the veil secrecy…to allow the affair to flourish in light of day, without any restraints, until it plays itself out.

 

Believe me, once the reality of every-day life sets in and they discover the deficiencies of each other (outside of the bedroom) it will quickly loose it's appeal. Probably a whole lot faster than it did with your marriage. Never underestimate the drawl of hearth and home…nor the love and dedication of a good woman.

 

Not assuming that this would be an option for you…but if finding myself in a similar circumstance, I'd be inclined to file for a legal separation and request that we spend some time apart while we both figure out where we're going. This would afford me the opportunity to try on life without his toxic presence or those constant, painful reminders. Meanwhile, I would continue my individual counseling sessions in hopes it would make me stronger in reaching my own resolve.

 

The time apart would also afford my husband the opportunity to figure out which relationship he wanted to be in. Remember - they usually come back, and by the time he does, you both might be in a better head space to make those tough decisions absent the addiction and lure of the affair. Only after he was completely over the other woman, would I even invest the time and money on relationship counseling. And with any luck, that wouldn't even be necessary since by then I would hope to be completely over my own addiction to him and happily moving on with my new life.

[jmargel]

Welshie, goto http://www.marriagebuilders.com they will help you. Read all the info about infelidity. They also offer counseling on the phone as well, however it is expensive.

 

He has some really good info on there.

 

Try not to overwork your mind with everything, it will eventually diminish as time goes on. Hang in there.

[ConfusedInOC]

Welshie, have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson yet?! The book will help you decide what you need to do, work on the marriage or leave.

 

Moose and I side with God. Infidelity is the ONLY reason he will excuse a marriage. If God can not pardon the sin of infidelity (he would forgive SB if he repented, but not pardon his actions), why should you?

 

I agree with the last post. At least file for legal separation and give yourself some time to heal. Often times heartbreak is harder to deal with than the loss of life. When someone dies who loves you, at least you know they died loving you.

 

When they cheat on you it's even worse because the love you had for them they rejected and gave their love to someone else. The pain is unbearable. I know, I am living it every day.

 

File for legal separation and give your heart 6 months to heal up and then see where you stand.

[Ladyjane14]

It hasn't even been 2 weeks since D-Day. I think it may be too early for discussion of separation.....my opinion anyhow.

 

"Trial Separations" and "Marriage Sabbaticals" are notoriously difficult to reconcile. There's even more emotional distance to overcome when two people are living apart. Most often it just turns out to be Step #1 in the divorce process.

 

I have to admit....the temptation to obey the 'fight or flight' instinct is nearly overwhelming. But one of the things I discovered while I was reconciling my own marriage is that my "instincts" were very often WRONG.

 

The way is through. Through the pain, through the doubt, through the anger....together.

 

Of course, that's assuming that the goal is still to repair the marriage. (????)

[I Survived]

My husband has an emotional affair and it took him three weeks to start coming out of the other woman "fog" he was in. He admitted that he was not sure if he wanted us to stay together or not. For those first three weeks I was in shock, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt sick all the time. On the 21st day, I waited for him to come home from work and when he did, I started venting my anger about the whole ugly nasty disrespectful mess that he had gotten US into. He tried to walk past me and (god forgive me) I grabbed him by the lapels and literally picked him up and put him against the wall - I screamed into his face something I can't type here. We yelled back and forth at each other for about 10 minutes and when the dust cleared he had to hold me up as my knees buckled and the tears came. He said that day was an epiphany for him. He realised how much I really loved him and he loved me and from that day on we began to work (both of us) back to a better, more loving relationship. The other woman no longer has a name in our house, not even a gender. We refer to his emotional affair with her as "THAT".

Welshie - it takes time, lots and lots of time, lots of talking, admitting true feelings, clearing up misunderstandings and you need to do this with each other. I never wanted to separate from him, not even for a minute, not even when I was so angry at him. You need to stay together and work through this if that's what you both want.

[MiChick43]

I would separate and allow H to figure things out on his own. If he is unable to do this Im worried, as the poster above said, he will always see this OW as the love of his life. He will hang on to a fantasy, but to him it is real.

 

Im not sure what MC will do. You can not force someone to be attracted to someone, he has stated, he has never been attracted to. You can not force someone to have deep feelings when they have never exsisted in the first place. You can only get back what you once had. Im not sure how seeing a MC at this point is going to solve anything.

 

I think this man needs time to figure out what he really wants. If he is pushed into remaining in a marriage he has not been happy in for a long time, if ever, he may just end up angry. A separation will allow him to come by his feelings on his own. Hopefully realise what he has at home can not be replaced with this OW.

 

I would much rather my H come back on his own instead of feeling pressured to do the right thing. If I wanted my H back I would want him 100% heart , body and soul. I would not always want to wonder his reasons for staying.

[welshie]

hiya everyone

 

not sure what the proforma is for this - I haven';t posted for a week or so - so maybe no one will pick this up. should I start a new thread? anyway here goes what ever.

 

H and I are in very diff places than last week - how quickly things are changing almost everyday since he told me. I have some difficulties that I need some support for if possible - and that means no one telling me to seperate (trial or otherwise) or kick him out or whatever. At the moment -I just need some practical advice or even other BS stories who worked on reconciling the relationship after the affair.

 

so H has decided he wants to stay at least for 6 months - he's following marriage builders, and going to therapy and facing upto what he did. He's behaving differently for some of the time and seems to be making an effort for part of the time also.

 

my anger seems to have subsided somewhat but I'm very confused. H is still withdrawing and it;s very hard for me. He sends me articles form marriage builders and also from here to advise me on how to deal with his mood swings, and him in general. I find it hard that he is the needy one here, it seems that all of the advice on working through this is largely focussed on WS's! I feel for instance that H has to, as ladyjane put it 'level the playing field' I think he needs to 'do the running' for a bit - try at least to make things up to me somewhat - but instead, I'm being advised to do the running - that I need to be patient and accept his withdrawal behaviour and that I need to be there for him. On the onther hand I have lots of people tellnig me I have to look after me, and he should be bending over backwards to be accepted again - unfortunately to me it feels like things are the other way around.

 

 

I realise that the whole reason we're in this mess ultimately is because we on many levels weren;'t meeting each others emotional needs. well - newsflash we're not now either, becasue he's still thinking about him all the time and I feel like I'm becoming selfish becasue I want the attention on me!

 

everyone says it takes time - and like I 've said - we've agreed to give it 6 months to see if we can continue, but at the moment 6 months seems like an eternity (even though of course I KNOW it isn't) It's like I've reached this part inside myself which says' (and I have been regularly which I don't think helps matters) fine F**k off then. Go - I don't want you here - go and sort out your withdrawal away from our family home - dont expect sympathy from me -I wish he could only walk in my shoes for a day to feel the pain that I feel that he caused.

 

then I have the tug of war in my head which tells me I should be there for him, although I understand now that I have co-dependant tendancies and facilitate to some degree him being a 'victim'. After reading Mooses post about how completely unfair it was to hold H while going though his grief for her but I don't know what else to do - especially when 'bloody' marriage builders is tellnig me to be a sounding board for him and be his emotional best friend. What about him doing that for me?

 

sorry for all you non believers who will read this part of the post and think I'm off my rocker - for those of you with a faith - maybe you could comment on this for me.I know that God wants us together -I know he hates divorce, I know we had prophecy over us, and I know (for a while) we were blessed. I know I should forgive, I know probably with God's help and with honesty and hard work we could fix our relationship and probably come out with a more honest fulfilled marriage BUT I hurt like hell. I feel like I've been abandoned, I know H doesn't love me or particularly want me and I feel like I need him to get somewhere near there before we can work on this together and my anger is fueling this. Also H isn't forgiving of anything in our marriage that he has stored up over the years that has hurt him. (love does not keep score of wrongs!) Did he ever really love me? He's saying now that he did - that he can remember times when he found me attractive and when he loved me - but i feel I cant trust anything he's says to me...The other thing I know is that if we're together or not God will be there for me and God will make good in all things......someone give me some advise who has been here please.

 

I'm torn between doing the right thing and wanting him to cherish me - which he doesn't at the moment.How do I get a balance.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by welshie

sorry for all you non believers who will read this part of the post and think I'm off my rocker - for those of you with a faith - maybe you could comment on this for me.I know that God wants us together -I know he hates divorce, I know we had prophecy over us, and I know (for a while) we were blessed. I know I should forgive, I know probably with God's help and with honesty and hard work we could fix our relationship and probably come out with a more honest fulfilled marriage BUT I hurt like hell.

 

As I mentioned before, infidelity is the ONLY reason God will allow for a divorce. If you feel in your heart God wants you to stay together then that's great. The covenant of Marriage is important.

 

I think giving it a time limit is good. That's your boundary. If it's not fixed by then, I do believe you have the right to walk away, head held high.

 

I feel like I've been abandoned, I know H doesn't love me or particularly want me and I feel like I need him to get somewhere near there before we can work on this together and my anger is fueling this.

 

As someone who was recently dumped by someone who didn't love him, I can say that you can NOT force love on someone who isn't accepting of it. If he wants to stay with you, that's fine, but if he doesn't love you and admits as much, I honestly think you are wasting your time.

 

Also H isn't forgiving of anything in our marriage that he has stored up over the years that has hurt him. (love does not keep score of wrongs!) Did he ever really love me? He's saying now that he did - that he can remember times when he found me attractive and when he loved me - but i feel I cant trust anything he's says to me...The other thing I know is that if we're together or not God will be there for me and God will make good in all things......someone give me some advise who has been here please.

 

I'm torn between doing the right thing and wanting him to cherish me - which he doesn't at the moment.How do I get a balance.

 

If you listen to Moose, he's giving you the best advice.

[I Survived]

welshie - I tried to send you a private message and it could not be sent. Any idea why?

[whichwayisup]

Because her PM hasn't been intialized yet. She has to have a certain amount of posts before they enable PM. I don't know what the number is one has to reach to have the privledge.

[welshie]

- didn't know I could have pm.

 

is it too private to say on here? the only other thing I think of is if I can get my email addy to you, but I dont want to post that up on here.

 

feeling v low today - this is sooooo hard.

[welshie]

I survived - just tried to Pm you - I haven't got enough posts to have pm facility.