I'm stuckblokes wife

[I Survived]

Welshie

I really feel that I can identify with the pain you are going through right now. Although my H did not have a physical connection with the OW, the emotional attachment he had with her was very strong. It was very difficult to break through to him but little by little, bit by bit, the light started to come back on. Your H was receiving emotional support from his OW, the sex was just a product of that attachment. I'm sure that my H would have had sex with her if he could. There was distance that prevented it so the opportunity never arose. Right now, you and your H have tremendous trust issues to overcome. You feel betrayed and wonder if you'll ever trust him or believe anything he says. He is wondering if he can trust you to give him the love and support he needs because of his infidelity. My husband cried too but not about the OW. He cried because he was so sorry for what he had done to hurt me. We BOTH felt abandoned - we both felt unloved.

It took time, patience, honesty and the desire to make things work. We have survived it. The pain has subsided but my life has changed forever. I guess it's for the good because I am confident that my H loves me and will never do anything to hurt me again. I won't try to fool you and tell you that you'll forget what happened but the stronger the trust becomes between you, the less you'll think about the trauma. You will have bad days but it's part of the grieving process. It is necessary for you to grieve for the lost relationship, the security that you felt before you discovered your H affair, for the changes in your life. You will come to a point where you will be confident in yourself and know that with or without him you'll be okay. Hang in there. I hope what I've written helps.

I Survived

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by welshie

 

he took out a loan today (under my suggestion) to pay for the roof, and took out an extra £500 - the amount he used to go on holiday with her and told me I'm to spend it on myself - the problem is while there are loads of things I could spend it on - it's SUCH a lot of money - and I don't feel that I can. Is this just low self esteme? amI in self pity mode or is this to be expected?

 

 

Welshie,

 

Take the money and put it in a high investment account for yourself. If you can't think of anythin to spend it on now, you will in the future.

 

Otherwise, you could treat yourself to a new hobby/gym membership/haircut/new clothes...in fact anything that makes you feel better about yourself.

 

Sylvia

[welshie]

thanks sylvia - am blowing half of it on a day at the hairdressers (tomorrow), I've bought some new underwear and I'm working at Glastonbury festival next weekend - so will use it for spending money there.

 

 

 

he can't buy his way out of this but at least I can spend some money on myself without feeling guilty.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by welshie

 

he can't buy his way out of this but at least I can spend some money on myself without feeling guilty.

 

Hee, hee! Yep, this was something I cottoned onto pretty quickly. No guilt feelings about buying new clothes for me...!

[welshie]

hello everyone

 

things are horrible at the moment - I have more clarity and this morning I feel like I 've let my H go. He's been posting on a new forum, surviving infidelity.com which I don't have a problem with at all, but like his old tricks he's been secretive and hiding things from me.

 

as we're supposed to be following the marriage builders site, I've been snooping (with his knowledge) at all of his forms of communication (and he has mine too!)

 

yet again in the early hours of this morning I found another long thread detailing how awful I am in bed, how great she was, how angry, hard, aggressive etc I am - he is now even saying that I have a short fuse with my son! (I'm just not as bad as he's making me out to be - )

 

he's now talknig about how he is repulsed by me -dead in the groin I think his phrase was.

 

I am aware that he's trying to get help - I dont begrudge him wanting private support (although he does have a therapist too) but I can't get over why he has to lie to me all the time - it's as if he can't stop hurting me. he says he feels as if he's 'poisoning my soul' which is so outrageously dramatic but also tells me how awful he's feeling.

 

I told him to go to her if he wanted to, to leave, that I can't and won't try to make him love me or want me.

 

I do really love him, and I don't want to divorce, and I dont want him to leave, but I dont want to be with a man who doesn't love me, puts me down and hurts me all the time.

 

People on the other forum are quite clearly saying that it's the withdrawal that's allowing him to feel like this, and it's normal. Most seem to be saying that once he's in a place where he really wants to reconcile that the feelings are dormant and they usually come back....but...I 'm not prepared to wait for 2 years while he gets over some college student.

 

can someone reply please - is this just withdrawal - should I hang on or should I ask him to go.

 

I love him and that might mean I need to let him leave.

[welshie]

I also recently found all of her contacts - including her parents home address and phone number- I feel like I want to meet her and get her side of the story - H is INFATUATED with her, and from what I can gather she intiated the split very subtly by asking H how he could work on his marriage with her in the picture - it took them a month longer and a holiday (with the roof money as those of you who have followed this thread know) for them to finally (apparently) mutually split becasue they were falling for each other!

 

I wonder if she just started growing out of the sex - she's so young! but then look at katie holmes and tom cruise (sam age gap!)

 

shuold i in touch with her (or her parents) or not?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Contacting her and/or her parents and talking with them would definitely throw a wrench in the works. Sometimes throwing the wrench will stop an out of control machine, and sometimes throwing a wrench will destroy the machine beyond repair.

 

Which machine would it damage? The infatuation he has with OW or the relationship he has with you? That's a tough call - its hard to tell what it would do to your chances of reconciliation while your H is still infatuated with this woman. The OW could be completely ambivalent about it - but your husband could have some strange idea in his mind that if you do that, he could never reconcile with her - there could very well be some hope lurking in the back of his mind, hope that he is refusing to let go of. Hope that keeps him emotionally dead to you. Would busting the affair open to her parents be the coffin lid on his hope? Maybe, maybe not - but it would threaten that faint hope, and he would either let it go - or he would resent you murdering his hope.

 

One part of me wants to say "call them! arrange a visit and go tell them everything!", but another part of me is afraid if you do that, your H will turn further on you. Its at such a precarious point right now.

 

I guess it depends on what you want to accomplish with this, and what you are willing to risk.

 

I can't get over why he has to lie to me all the time - it's as if he can't stop hurting me.

 

I'm not sure its a case of deliberately hurting you. It sounds more like he's indulging his own pain with no regard as to whether it hurts you or not. It sounds like deep down he is indifferent to your pain, rather than deliberately trying to cause it. Deliberately hurting you is one thing. Being indifferent to your hurt is much worse, IMO. I think he knows that he shouldn't be indifferent - but right now, he can't feel enough for you to want to hurt or help you. I guess its that indifference he feels deep down - that reptilian coldness toward you - the resentment he has that you aren't the OW - that is what poisons you: not his feelings for you, but his lack of them. He doesn't lie to hurt you. He lies to you because he is indifferent to what it will do to you. It sounds like he is focused primarily on himself and his pain.

 

I'm not excusing him in any way, shape or form - just trying to see if I can offer a glimpse at a possible 'other angle' that might help you get to the bottom of the problem. Often it takes looking at all sides, even the sides that we can't bear to look at or deal with - before we can begin to unravel and solve a problem.

[welshie]

thanks so much

 

you're right he is completely focussed on his pain and hurt and I kind of accept that - I know that he is in withdrawal - I have never experienced withdrawal - I have grieved people who are close to me when they have died, I think it must be very similar - hurts like hell and is all consuming - BUT

 

all the articles I have read about withdrawal and how to deal with the ws are to do with being kind patient, listen and accept that they are in that place and it takes time (how many times have people said that to me!) I have been trying to do all of these things - I really have BUT does that mean I have to put my feelings aside - and why cant he do that for me? -ok , it's because we're in different places but still - I think that in a really immature way my load of pain is gigantic right now - and while he's in pain too - to a large degree it's his fault! Also he may never get over this girl - am I supposed to wait and wait while in the process I'm compared to her over and over again until maybe he gets over her?

 

while there's an appreciation that the affair is arguably a symptom of our dysfunctional marriage - he chose to have the affair - he's now choosing to stay where he is emotionally so we cant move on - which incidentally he's also apparently chosen (to work on the M)it's so confusing, and feels so unfair - and I don't want to whine but when is it my turn. Do I have to be the adult all the time and be mature all the time and put my feelings aside or try and deal with them quicker to be in a place to move on?

 

I think he does know how much he's hurting me but can't seem to put reason before his behaviour - like, if I do this it's going to hurt her....you've identified rightly that he's only using himself as a reference point but then consuming himself with guilt when he realises how much it hurts me.

[jmargel]

Welshie,

 

I believe you have every right to call this girl up, however her parents are another story. She is a grown adult and calling her parents is not going to save your marrage. You deserve to hear what she is saying. Your husband is acting like a complete ass. It's easy for him to say these things to you because he's trying to justify what he has done. Most professors that I have worked with have an ego about them that makes them think they are 'higher' than others. Your husband is using this attitude in your marriage. I believe the *only* way to wake him up is to throw him out. I know you love him and want things to work but honestly do you see things getting better by him staying?

 

Let him go, let him run to her and let him try to soak up all the pity and sympathy he can get. Eventually this chick is going to tire of him and he'll be left groveling back to you. Then the ball is in your court to decide if you want him back and if you do under what circumstances. It's infatuation right now, there is no love between them. However you should try to stop concentrating on this other woman and start concentrating on what YOU need. Once this girl is out of the picture is his feelings going to change for you? It's not going to be like a light switch where if she's out, he'll be with you in heart and soul.

 

Right now he has no consequences for what he's doing. He's trying to follow the marriagebuilder's site, yet he's saying these things for you? He's only going through the motions of that marriagebuilders site just to have you as a safety net. You are basing your happiness and your own self-worth on what HE thinks of you. You have to step back and refrain from doing that. No person in this world is good enough to base your OWN self-worth on.

 

You love him but he's not showing you anything in return. This is not your fault for him acting this way. This is an issue WITHIN himself. No amount of love, pleading, sympathy, caring will change him. He needs to GROW UP and start acting like a man.

 

Personally if I were you, I would tell him that you want him out of the house and that the university will be contacted on what he has been doing. You didn't get him to be your husband by pleading and taking crap from him. He chose to be with you for who you are, so by doing what you are doing how do you expect to get the results that you want?

 

Start living life for yourself, you are worth it. You are worth the world to somebody out there, don't let him make you think otherwise. What he is doing is abuse.

[welshie]

thank you

 

I'm so worried that he's near the edge of either hurting himself or becoming ill - he has a history of mental unstability and this situation is so stressful he's behaving very irratically.

 

I'm not trying to defend him , I just love him - I can see that he is indifferent to me now. It's hurts so much - I NEVER in a million years thought he could cast me aside the way he has.

 

I told him this morning that I've given up - I've let him go - he can go to her.Last night I wrote lyrics about grieving our relationship and grieving him (I'm a musician) maybe we'll seperate for a while - the thought of seperating kills me because of our son - up until now he's known little bits but if H moves out, our little one is really gonna feel the impact.

 

We're not a couple who argues in front of our son - he has caught us about twice since D-day (about 4 weeks ago) we tend to do all the talknig when he's either asleep or out of the house. Of course he is showing signs of stress now (tummy aches mainly) but I'm so worried about the logistics of a seperation - even if it's a short term one.

 

I've realised that while I do love H and I don't want a divorce I can't and wont live like this for much longer. I want my life back.

 

This morning was the first since D-day when I didn;t see an image of them in my head as the first thing that came ot mind as I woke. that must mean something - maybe I'm moving on or starting to process stuff.

 

It's so scary thought - and I feel so hurt. I feel like I can never recover.

[blind_otter]

Why is it that when you are in relationship withdrawal, it's all nice and sweet and people try to be understanding, and when you are in real withdrawl from drugs everyone tells you to suck it up and deal?

 

I've been in drug wtihdrawal. He needs to suck it up and be a man and deal with it. None of this mushy gushy everybody needs to baby me bullsh*t.

 

I was talking to my BF about infidelity the other day because right now we have an LDR. He cheated on his ex-GF once, near the end of their relationship after he had her move out of his apartment he owned in the UK. He said it actually made him lose respect for HER, because of the way she dealt with it. She didn't "grab him by the balls and squeeze 'til he's dead" as my mother always says (haha).

 

In any event I wish you good luck. I hope you have considered treatment for your codependent traits. I feel like you are giving your H too much leeway in his "recovery" -- he needs to take some personal responsiblity and stop whining about how sad he is all the time.

 

Hope I didn't offend you, but IMO his behavior is inexcuseable and he should be kissing the ground at your feet thanking god you didn't kick his a$$ to the curb.

[dgiirl]

welshie, i dont know why today I just stumbled accross your thread, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for all the pain you are experiencing. Everything you have written, I can relate. The way your husband told you how bad you were, he was never in love with you, everything down to a T my husband did to me. It makes me sick to my stomach that our husbands blame us 100% for their affairs and simply abandon us. Your's is still around. I'm not sure which is better, mine simply abandoning me or your's for sticking around. Both is causing us much pain, but I do hope you get the strength you need to overcome this terrible time. Remember, you were happy before, you can be happy again, w/ or w/o him. Take the time now to grieve, get counselling, and to heal. Dont worry about what the future will bring. Just work on today.

[jmargel]

I pulled an excerpt out of a site that I thought might help you:

 

Becoming a single parent due to the loss of your relationship with your child's other parent, whether by choice or circumstance, is a highly stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. Any major life change creates a certain amount of stress no matter how prepared one may be. Even if you are the one who created the change, you will experience stress during the adaptation period of the change wrought in your life.

 

As a parent, you may feel the need to stuff your own emotions so you won't reveal any negative or stressful feelings to your child. This is a difficult tightrope to walk. Children need to know that their parents feel sad, lonely, even angry or depressed sometimes, and they will take their cues for how to deal with those same emotions when they have them from the example the parent sets.

 

Understanding and accepting that you will experience certain common stages of grief when you suffer a personal loss, can pave the way for coping, adjusting, and recovering from you loss in a constructive way.

 

You are also going to be dealing with the 5 stages of grief. Even though your husband is not dead, emotionally he is. Note that these stages can come and go at different times and you can have more than one going on at one time. This is just to let you know what to except in the long run. It may seem very dismal but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better. Trust and believe in that. If you feel yourself slipping into a depression please talk to a doctor and talk to your counselor.

 

1) DENIAL

 

In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.

 

 

 

2) ANGER

 

We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience. I found actually apologising to people after an outburst and explaining you are not yourself for given reasons was often accepted, especially by people who you know well.

 

 

 

3) BARGAINING

 

Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want thing as they were before.

 

 

 

4) DEPRESSION

 

Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be bursting helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm please do seek professional counseling. Self preservation is a must.

 

 

 

5) ACCEPTANCE

 

The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You may still have thoughts of your loved one, but less intense and less frequent. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.

[whichwayisup]

I do really love him, and I don't want to divorce, and I dont want him to leave, but I dont want to be with a man who doesn't love me, puts me down and hurts me all the time.

 

This issue is very very important. You can't settle or be with somebody who doesn't feel the same way about you. He's being quite the a**h*** by putting you down and making you feel bad about you. I know you love him though and it's not easy.

 

People on the other forum are quite clearly saying that it's the withdrawal that's allowing him to feel like this, and it's normal. Most seem to be saying that once he's in a place where he really wants to reconcile that the feelings are dormant and they usually come back....but...I 'm not prepared to wait for 2 years while he gets over some college student.

 

can someone reply please - is this just withdrawal - should I hang on or should I ask him to go.

 

I love him and that might mean I need to let him leave.

 

The thing is, this "fantasy" relationship he has with her is just that. Life is good. Happy, exciting. New. There's no history involved, no children, no common friends, no life built together, no family, no day in and day out daily routine of life. Because of that, he WILL be in a for a rude awakening one day when he realizes that. Right now it's so easy for him, like one big play time. No responsibility, carefree. Do you see what I'm saying here? It's really sad and he's NOT THINKING straight or logically. Neither is this OW.

 

You may have to let him go. Maybe in time when he gets his s*** together and realizes it won't work he'll come back. But by then, would you want him? Could you take him back fully, work on the marriage again in time. Learn how to make it work again, together? I know you can't answer any of what I asked a definate yes or no right now.

 

If he isn't willing to give her up and let her go, work through his own feelings and go through the withdrawal of her, then it is going to be ALOT harder to work on the marriage. He sounds like he's addicted to her like a drug addict is to drugs!! Waiting for the next fix. It's almost like an obsession!

 

Originally posted by welshie

I also recently found all of her contacts - including her parents home address and phone number- I feel like I want to meet her and get her side of the story - H is INFATUATED with her, and from what I can gather she intiated the split very subtly by asking H how he could work on his marriage with her in the picture - it took them a month longer and a holiday (with the roof money as those of you who have followed this thread know) for them to finally (apparently) mutually split becasue they were falling for each other!

 

I wonder if she just started growing out of the sex - she's so young! but then look at katie holmes and tom cruise (sam age gap!)

 

shuold i in touch with her (or her parents) or not?

 

Yes, tell them! Get the affair out in the open! The more people that know, the excitement of their affair will be crushed as they won't be able to "sneak" around and get away with it. That is part of the attraction to this situation he's done to you. If OW has a boyfriend or is married, TELL HER SPOUSE too! Confront her too, why not? She's obviously asking questions about you and because she's so young she probably has a potiental to actually SEE The damage she's partially responsible for and realize wtf she's done is WRONG!!

[Ladyjane14]

I've posted to BOTH of you, so please bear in mind that the advice I would find appropriate for one, is NOT the advice I would post to the other.

 

In your position....I would go immediately to Plan D. I wouldn't waste my time with trial separation, and I wouldn't give him another chance EVER to hurt me the way he's hurt you now.

 

I can't believe that the self-involvement he is displaying at this time is only due to "withdrawal". I think it's more likely that he's always been self-centered. That could be due to his history of abuse....but you know what?....YOU WEREN"T THE ONE WHO ABUSED HIM. It's not your fault, and it's not your job to clean up after someone else's mess.

 

I think that in the long run, you'll be happier without him. You'll have an opportunity to meet someone else, and build a life for yourself and your son in a healthy environment....hopefully, one that your son will observe, and learn from.

 

There's only so much a person should have to take. Stuckbloke doesn't want to work on your marriage....not really. He wants an excuse to leave it. He wants that 22 year-old college student. I think he's been pretty clear about that in his refusal to deal with his "withdrawal". He'd rather make you responsible for that, and manipulate you into compliance with Plan A of the marriage-builders program.

 

Horsesh*t! The ONLY thing that kept my husband from taking his EA into actual sexual contact, was the CERTAIN knowledge that I'd NEVER take him back....NOT EVER.

 

Wish him luck....and send him on his way. Make sure that he meets mental health standards before you allow him unsupervised visitation though. If he's threatened to hurt himself....he shouldn't be allowed to care for your child on his own until he's certified as 'healthy'.

[welshie]

thank so much to both of you.

 

it's so good to hear that someone else has gone through what I have.

 

I do completely recognise my co dependant traits - that's one issue that has come out of this that needs dealing with - I'm currently finding a therapist to help with issues that have arisen, including this one. I simply don't know how to though. I guess I'm learning the hard way.

 

 

thanks for the article about the single parenting - I'll keep that on file for when and if I need it - can't seem to take it in at the moment - but thank you anyway.

 

I think he is trying to go cold turkey - he has had nc since the day before d -day. and officially the 'affair' ended in april. he is consumed by his own pain though and I agree needs to get on with it instead of staying where he is - I almost feel he enjoys being in pain because of his guilt maybe ???

[jmargel]

Let him deal with his pain by himself. You are not his counselor and can't be. Let him find someone professionaly to help him with that. Don't try to over-analyze everything either. You are denying your own feelings and hurt when you do this. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism for you.

 

You don't truly know what's going on inside his head, we don't and in all honestly I doubt he even knows. Right now the best thing you can do for yourself and this marriage is to start moving on with your own life. Not only is this going to make you feel better but it's going to make you more attractive to him. Don't do it for the latter reason. Nothing wrong with mourning on what's going on and feeling sad. Just don't get into the 'pity ditch'. Often people will do that, however nothing productive comes out of it. Now is not the time to mother him.

 

I know how much this hurts, I was in your position with my ex-fiancee. When she was cheating on me behind my back she was extremely cruel. After she left me for him she continued to be that way. Then eventually wanting to 'be friends' with me while still with him. I told her no.

 

Three years later she came to my doorstep one day. To apologize for everything she has done to me and how immature she acted while with me. She took full responsibility for what she did. By then however it was too late. Although she will always have a special place in my heart she made the decisions, and she has to live by them. She is now divorced, living with a guy that *he* was close friends too. She has a kid, living in this guy's parent's house, in their basement living off of food stamps. So, I can tell even though she felt sorry for what she did, she continued to do the same thing.

 

Honestly he's not going to change, not at least for a very long time. This has been going on for quite some time even before the affair. Give him the space he apparently needs. He has no respect for you and like I said before is not facing any consequences for what he's doing. He wants people to pity him. Well life is tough, get over it. He needs to stop acting like a child.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wandering where he is and what he's doing? Even if this thing gets resolved and are with him, are you going to be at peace and content with a marriage that is not secure? Can you ever truly trust him again? Your mind will constantly be wandering since his words have no faith in them. Do you really want to be so on edge and so stressed out over this individual? Is your own health and sanity worth it?

 

Right now is the hardest part, letting go. The reason why love hurts so much is because is feels so good when you fall into it. By continuing to let him do what he's doing you are just torturing yourself and prolonging the inevidiable. You can't start healing yourself until he is out of the house, he needs this for himself as well. I'm not trying to be mean here but usually most marriage have a foundation that is built upon. This foundation is destroyed. You need to call in alot of help to repair what's left, however he is still whacking at the remaining rubble with his sledgehammer by constanly putting you down and by disrespecting you all the while by continuing to mourn over this college chick.

 

We are all concerned about you, I am. I can tell just by your posts how stressed out you are. You DON'T need him to make yourself happy. You need to believe that in yourself. Think of the times you had before meeting him, all the good times. Focus on that. In the mean time don't try to fix him, you can't. Only he can want to fix himself. The only way to win at this game is to not play it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by welshie

yet again in the early hours of this morning I found another long thread detailing how awful I am in bed, how great she was, how angry, hard, aggressive etc I am - he is now even saying that I have a short fuse with my son! (I'm just not as bad as he's making me out to be - )

 

he's now talknig about how he is repulsed by me -dead in the groin I think his phrase was.

 

I am aware that he's trying to get help - I dont begrudge him wanting private support (although he does have a therapist too) but I can't get over why he has to lie to me all the time - it's as if he can't stop hurting me.

 

One more thing.... It occurs to me that you keep "finding" these posts that he's littered the internet with. All of them, hurtful and demeaning to you.

 

What's up with that?

 

He seems like a fairly smart guy. How hard is it to delete cookies or change a user name?

 

If he's deliberately letting you "find" these things, what does that say to you?

 

What it looks like from here is that he's just manipulating you into being the "bad guy". I think he's a little shocked that you didn't kick him to the curb on D-Day. If you'll read his thread again....that's what he expected for you to do.

 

When you failed to do it, you left him in a position in which he has to up the ante in emotional hurt in order to get you to do it.

 

 

 

 

p.s. If it were me....I'd just do it. I wouldn't lose a moment's sleep over it either. But then again....I don't find him to be quite as lovable as you apparently do.

 

I think his "ambivalence" has taken on a measure of cruelty at this point. It becomes somewhat masochistic on your part to continue to allow the emotional abuse.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by welshie

thank you

 

I'm so worried that he's near the edge of either hurting himself or becoming ill - he has a history of mental unstability and this situation is so stressful he's behaving very irratically.

 

I'm not trying to defend him , I just love him - I can see that he is indifferent to me now. It's hurts so much - I NEVER in a million years thought he could cast me aside the way he has.

 

I told him this morning that I've given up - I've let him go - he can go to her.Last night I wrote lyrics about grieving our relationship and grieving him (I'm a musician) maybe we'll seperate for a while - the thought of seperating kills me because of our son - up until now he's known little bits but if H moves out, our little one is really gonna feel the impact.

 

We're not a couple who argues in front of our son - he has caught us about twice since D-day (about 4 weeks ago) we tend to do all the talknig when he's either asleep or out of the house. Of course he is showing signs of stress now (tummy aches mainly) but I'm so worried about the logistics of a seperation - even if it's a short term one.

 

I've realised that while I do love H and I don't want a divorce I can't and wont live like this for much longer. I want my life back.

 

This morning was the first since D-day when I didn;t see an image of them in my head as the first thing that came ot mind as I woke. that must mean something - maybe I'm moving on or starting to process stuff.

 

It's so scary thought - and I feel so hurt. I feel like I can never recover.

 

Welshie, you will recover. I promise. It just takes time.

 

In the amount of time you have posted, I see that a lot of people are supporting you. If you would please take a moment to read through and look at how many people are "raising you up" in such a fashion that is to show you they care.

 

Imagine. All these strangers. Caring about you.

 

I realize it may not be entirely comforting for you now, but I hope as you recover the impact of so many people supporting you proves to you how valuable you are.

 

I am truly sorry that is has to come to a divorce, but I think you are making the right decision. You should be with someone who loves and cherishes you.

 

In fact, you deserve it.

 

Best of luck to you and please, if you some words of encouragement, don't hesitate to post.

[welshie]

gyus thanks so much for your support - I really do appreciate all your comments - I am finding that I'm not worthless and my self esteme seems to be getting better.

 

we're not at divorce stage guys - I need to say that. I am feeling like I can't see any way out of this other than by seperation at the moment but I know that I've been through a gammut of feelings over the passed 3 weeks and they keep changing. I 've commited to giving it a measured period of time before we make any huge decisions. I have to respect that becasue of my son, and the knowledge that I did all I could - if this marriage fails I want to hold myhead high and know that I have my integrity in place.

 

I feel much stronger in that I feel I've let go of H - he can do as he wishes, interestingly he's not moving - I'll give him the time I think I can and if he still can't shape up in that I need and he's still obsessing over his mistress we will split up

 

in the mean time I feel much lighter just realising that his feelings are not my responsibility regardless of my love for him (and ladyjane - I value your advise so much but I definitely don't find him loveable at the moment - but I do love him there's a world of difference) I wont be a door mat in this - and I feel I have been to seom extent regardless of what H says about me apparently being aggressive and harsh (my arse!)

 

I know that I'm ok - I know I have work to do and I know that I'll be ok through this with or without him - but I also most definitely know what I want and that's worth fighting for for a while. just to see if all the withdrawal stuff is true. I cant just throw away 10 years - he might be able to but I'm not him.

 

this is still horrible -the pain I know will be there (it seems forever) for a long long time, I'm prepared for my life and relationship to go either way and today for the first time since christmas it feels like the sun is shining - and I can start to move on.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by welshie

....I'm prepared for my life and relationship to go either way and today for the first time since christmas it feels like the sun is shining - and I can start to move on.

 

 

Well, that's a start anyhow. You have more control over your situation than you realized.

 

To accept continued emotional pain or not, is within the realm of your choice. As long as you're feeling strong....then you're 'good to go'. If that changes....then the "window of opportunity" closes with a snap.

 

Like I said before, you won't have a whole lot of lead-time on that. When you examine other threads written by betrayed spouses... tolerance comes to an end quickly, and even they themselves can't really tell you why. It's usually just another straw on the camel's back, and they find they just can't TRY anymore.

 

The only other suggestion I might have for you at this time is to 'table' the bulk of the relationship talk for awhile, and see if you can work on the friendship together.

 

JMargel mentioned that your foundation has more or less been destroyed. I agree with him. It doesn't seem that you have much left to "build" on. Possibly a renewal of your former friendship might be in order.

[lindya]

There's a book of short stories called "Wicked Women" by Fay Weldon. One of the stories is about a swimmer called Leda. Immensely talented, she's unhappily married to a mediocrity who punishes her (for having the talent he lacks) by developing crushes on younger women.

 

I know you're a musician rather than a swimmer, but I think you should read it.

[welshie]

thanks guys

 

wierd day today

 

I feel so detatched now - probably a good thing right? But now I can sense his resentment, I can feel his coldness. where as before I was focussing on his pain.

 

I'm going to Glastonbury festival tomorrow (working there) since we've known each other we've always gone together - feels V significant that I'm going alone...that about sums it up - I feel very alone.

 

when did he get to be so apathetic about me? he's so ambivalent it makes me want to scream - I know Im doing the right thing at the moment but I feel so so sad.

 

I'm so dissapointed in him - I feel gutted

 

today I went to the hairdressers and had my hair blowdried and straightened - I've lost some weight and I know I look good. I feel like I'm craving any kind of affirmation from him then when I don't get it - I'm really hurt and sad - but that's my expectation right? And I have to ask myself where that comes from - why do I feel the need to be affirmed by him - I had about 7 compliments today from different people - not one from him, and even though I should be listening to myself and to them - I'm looking for him to say something (anything ) nice to me. I feel like I'll be waiting till hell freezes over at the moment - it is very unpleasant, and I feel foolish for feeling this.

 

cought him looking at ANOTHER woman AGAIN today. this time I very calmly pointed it out to him -and told him I wanted an apology.(which he gave) **** him if he thinks he can disrespect me anymore. (sorry about the language)

[welshie]

sorry - ladyjane - that's my tactic at the moment - I'm stering away from any relationship talk - not letting anything get heavy and not even answering him when I feel down when he asks me what's up.

 

is that being untruthful - if I choose not to talk to him about how I feel becasue I don't want to get into a discussion about it.?

 

I do dislike the whoel platonic thing though - the feeling of brother and sister thing is odd. I feel uncomfortable with it...not neccesarily uncomfortable with him (sometimes I am) but just with the whole vibe.

 

it's horribel knowing that he doesn;t like me - maybe I'm getting to a stage where I don't like him too.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Welshie,

 

I am one of the few that remained in my marriage after my husbands affair.

 

We spent two years in counseling at 8000 dollars a year. It was well worth the money we spent though it was a struggle.

 

We are at the 2 and a half year mark and it is still difficult. He is in scouting and she is also. She is in another

pack in a different city but still within the same district ,so we see her at district events and at every camp.

I have finally been able to send husband and son to camp and not worry that husband and other woman are out boinking in the bushes.

 

I know that my husband went though a time were he was still in the fantasy world of her. He moved out for six months and during that time I know he was in constant contact with her. But it took something as simple as my helping him get settled in his apartment to make him see who really cared for him. There was a turning point where the fantasy became reality.

 

If I was in your position I would have to tell husband to leave the house, find the other woman and see if there is anything still there. He may find that round two with her leaves him feeling awful. If not, then your marriage is not worth the fight.

 

I still have trust issues but I am finding that the more time that passes and nothing arises I am becoming more confident.

 

I will never completely trust him again and I will always be watching for signs he has gone astray, but I think after all this time and all the counseling we have gone through that if he decided he wanted to cheat again he would realize that it was over between us.

 

He may still be resenting the fact that he is with you because he never finished with her, and until he does you will always be what came between what he is imagining as bliss.

 

I am glad that his affair ended the way it did. He found out what a selfish person she was and I came out as the one who cared even when he screwed up royal.

 

I wish you the best and try not to read too much into his postings, he needs to make you out to be a horrible person to be with otherwise he does not get the sympathy he craves nor does he absolve himself of the guilt of his affair.

 

I read what my husband had written about me and I have brought some of them up to him when we were in counseling, most he didn't even remember writing. I had to show him the copy I had made and it was funny to see the look on his face when he looked shocked and said " Did I really write that about you?, Damn!"

 

He was in another world and I was the big bad witch and she was the fairy princess. Funny how the roles are reversed now.

 

Take care

TFW