Relationship, Drug Addiction, Break Up

[katiegrl]

I just watched the movie "Flight" with Danzel Washington..... wow, did that hit home!

 

He is a full-blown drug addict (meth and coke just like my soon to be ex)...and alcoholic.

 

He is also a successful airline pilot. (My bf is not a pilot, but a successful contractor).

 

Apparently, his marriage ended due to his addiction ...his ex is still very very bitter.

 

He goes over one day to see his son, his ex asks him if he has been drinking, and he goes off on HER for asking (he had been drinking BTW)

 

Then his son confronts and Danzel gets violent with him!

 

A meeting is scheduled to determine his culpability in a plane crash of which he was the pilot. He had been drinking while in flight.

 

The night before the meeting, he begins to drink and gets shyt-faced, falling down drunk, and passes out.

 

His colleagues come to get him, find him passed out, and proceed to give him several lines of coke to snort so he could make it to the meeting!

 

Good God!!!! What is happening? Why do people do this to themselves and those they love?

 

I understand it's an illness, but hell, it was their choice to start up with the drugs in the first place, and chose to continue even when they knew they were becoming addicted!

 

For chrissakes, this ruins loving relationships, ruins lives!

 

I was engaged to be married, planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii, and my soon to be ex starts up with this shyt while back east over the summer!!

 

He promised he would check into rehab...but reneged and is still using! He is lying and I suspect cheating too, probably with one of the skanks he is using with.

 

I have found a new place to live, and moving in January 2nd.

 

Why did this happen? My thoughts go to I guess he did not love me like I thought he did, like he said he did, for six plus years.

 

Does anyone have any experience with drug addiction or a s/o who was a drug addict? How did you deal with it?

 

Should I stay and try to help? Should I leave?

 

What a waste....jesus.

 

Just venting ....thanks for listening guys, I am at a total loss here! :(

Edited December 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[teamo]

Yes you should leave and live your life. No contact until he is committed to recovery and desires to fix your relationship. In the meantime take care of yourself even if that means moving on with out him.

 

The reason a lot of people turn to drug addiction is because it is usually a coping mechanism or symptom of something bigger, for example undiagnosed mental illness. Not excusing the behavior but I'm sure nobody intentionally saids " well I think I'll become a drug addict and hurt all those who love me"

 

Has he ever been diagnosed with mental illness? Seen a therapist? Cycles of drug use and promiscuous sex, bipolar?

[katiegrl]

Yes you should leave and live your life. No contact until he is committed to recovery and desires to fix your relationship. In the meantime take care of yourself even if that means moving on with out him.

 

The reason a lot of people turn to drug addiction is because it is usually a coping mechanism or symptom of something bigger, for example undiagnosed mental illness. Not excusing the behavior but I'm sure nobody intentionally saids " well I think I'll become a drug addict and hurt all those who love me"

 

Has he ever been diagnosed with mental illness? Seen a therapist?

 

No, but his mom was terminally ill ...which is why he went back east in the first place .....to care for her.

 

She later died, and he told me recently when we first started discussing him using again (he had a problem with drugs and alcohol before we met)....that he feels tremendous guilt because she died in his care....

 

He is the one using, lying and maybe even cheating ....why do "I" feel so guilty for moving out and taking care of me ....just like you said I should do?

 

Others have advised the same, but I feel horrible!

Edited December 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[teamo]

I think that's just a normal human reaction when you love somebody. You Care about him and want to help, but logically you know you can't, your heart and mind are conflicting, that's why you feel guilty.

 

So right now he's using as a coping mechanism for his mom's death, but if he was addicted to them years prior, he could still have underlying mental issues of ptsd from something in his past. In any event rehab plus therapy is a must, as a therapist can work with him to process his mothers death and why he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

[katiegrl]

I think that's just a normal human reaction when you love somebody. You Care about him and want to help, but logically you know you can't, your heart and mind are conflicting, that's why you feel guilty.

 

So right now he's using as a coping mechanism for his mom's death, but if he was addicted to them years prior, he could still have underlying mental issues of ptsd from something in his past. In any event rehab plus therapy is a must, as a therapist can work with him to process his mothers death and why he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

 

Thanks, yes I agree, and when I first found out, I told him rehab or we are done.

 

He promised, and we re-connected and I had hope!

 

Then he reneged on the rehab and said out-patient therapy.

 

Never followed through though....and now his behavior his erratic and impulsive again, he's never home (we live together)....he always sounds nasal, and when he gets home, he is wired, then crashes and sleeps all day, and around 3:00 leaves again for work (so he says), and back very late, wired up again.

 

So I know he is still using.

 

So so sad....

 

Thanks again for your response. I'll get through it somehow.

 

Still love him though.....this is really hard!

 

Wish my dad were here! (He passed away last year).

 

Ugh.

[mightycpa]

She later died, and he told me recently when we first started discussing him using again (he had a problem with drugs and alcohol before we met)....that he feels tremendous guilt because she died in his care....

While he may genuinely feel that way, his way of coping with it is what is at issue. Essentially, he's decided that because he couldn't care for his mother adequately (not necessarily true, but that's what the guilt says), then he won't care for himself adequately or any other things that mean a lot to him. He's punishing himself, and simultaneously self-medicating so that his punishment doesn't feel so bad.

 

You'll never fix that, and I doubt he will either. He needs something to shake him up, and I wonder if your departure will be enough. Unless you want to live with this kind of behavior when other stresses enter your life, leave now and don't look back. He either will or will not fix this, but it will be him, not you, and not anybody else, even if it looks that way from the outside.

[katiegrl]

While he may genuinely feel that way, his way of coping with it is what is at issue. Essentially, he's decided that because he couldn't care for his mother adequately (not necessarily true, but that's what the guilt says), then he won't care for himself adequately or any other things that mean a lot to him. He's punishing himself, and simultaneously self-medicating so that his punishment doesn't feel so bad.

 

You'll never fix that, and I doubt he will either. He needs something to shake him up, and I wonder if your departure will be enough. Unless you want to live with this kind of behavior when other stresses enter your life, leave now and don't look back. He either will or will not fix this, but it will be him, not you, and not anybody else, even if it looks that way from the outside.

 

Well, my new place won't be ready till Jan 2nd, which is also when my lease starts.

 

Should I move out now ....and stay with a friend before my new apt is ready?

 

My step sister and niece are visiting for Christmas eve and Christmas and am getting everything ready for them.

 

Boyfriend will be working (so he says).

 

Till then I just keep my distance, just to keep peace so to speak.

 

Do you think I should leave now though, and stay with my friend?

[losangelena]

I think you should somewhere else to live, yes. Two weeks is a long time.

[katiegrl]

I think you should somewhere else to live, yes. Two weeks is a long time.

 

Thanks LA....I know you are right...it's just hard.

 

I should not be potentially exposing my young niece to this either....even though he said he is working. Too risky, not sure what I was thinking.

 

I guess it's over then. I will call my friend, same one I stayed with last time I moved out for two days.

[Goodbye]

I just watched the movie "Flight" with Danzel Washington..... wow, did that hit home!

 

He is a full-blown drug addict (meth and coke just like my soon to be ex)...and alcoholic.

 

He is also a successful airline pilot. (My bf is not a pilot, but a successful contractor).

 

Apparently, his marriage ended due to his addiction ...his ex is still very very bitter.

 

He goes over one day to see his son, his ex asks him if he has been drinking, and he goes off on HER for asking (he had been drinking BTW)

 

Then his son confronts and Danzel gets violent with him!

 

A meeting is scheduled to determine his culpability in a plane crash of which he was the pilot. He had been drinking while in flight.

 

The night before the meeting, he begins to drink and gets shyt-faced, falling down drunk, and passes out.

 

His colleagues come to get him, find him passed out, and proceed to give him several lines of coke to snort so he could make it to the meeting!

 

Good God!!!! What is happening? Why do people do this to themselves and those they love?

 

I understand it's an illness, but hell, it was their choice to start up with the drugs in the first place, and chose to continue even when they knew they were becoming addicted!

 

For chrissakes, this ruins loving relationships, ruins lives!

 

I was engaged to be married, planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii, and my soon to be ex starts up with this shyt while back east over the summer!!

 

He promised he would check into rehab...but reneged and is still using! He is lying and I suspect cheating too, probably with one of the skanks he is using with.

 

I have found a new place to live, and moving in January 2nd.

 

Why did this happen? My thoughts go to I guess he did not love me like I thought he did, like he said he did, for six plus years.

 

Does anyone have any experience with drug addiction or a s/o who was a drug addict? How did you deal with it?

 

Should I stay and try to help? Should I leave?

 

What a waste....jesus.

 

Just venting ....thanks for listening guys, I am at a total loss here! :(

 

 

 

First off, very sorry you are going through this. It is an extremely difficult dynamic for all involved.

 

Alcohol dependence is drug dependence.

 

Unfortunately he is in the throws of active addiction. I do not subscribe to the "disease" model of addiction, although addiction certainly causes disease. He appears selfish because he is in a repetitive loop of self destruction.

 

Help has been offered. I also do not believe one needs to hit "rock bottom" to make great life changes for the better. However, your boyfriend seems committed to denial presently and therefore you cannot do more for him.

 

It isn't a matter of love. He may love you very much. He appears selfish because he is not in control of his life. He will either realize he needs to make change and get help, or more and more consequences will come his way. One of those consequences should be losing you. I think you should tell him you love him (he is human, this is a very painful human condition), but that you need to take care of you. You've done all you can.

 

Wishing you the best for a healthy journey.

[katiegrl]

First off, very sorry you are going through this. It is an extremely difficult dynamic for all involved.

 

Alcohol dependence is drug dependence.

 

Unfortunately he is in the throws of active addiction. I do not subscribe to the "disease" model of addiction, although addiction certainly causes disease. He appears selfish because he is in a repetitive loop of self destruction.

 

Help has been offered. I also do not believe one needs to hit "rock bottom" to make great life changes for the better. However, your boyfriend seems committed to denial presently and therefore you cannot do more for him.

 

It isn't a matter of love. He may love you very much. He appears selfish because he is not in control of his life. He will either realize he needs to make change and get help, or more and more consequences will come his way. One of those consequences should be losing you. I think you should tell him you love him (he is human, this is a very painful human condition), but that you need to take care of you. You've done all you can.

 

Wishing you the best for a healthy journey.

 

Thank you.....

[Goodbye]

Thank you.....

 

Anytime. Hang in there. You are doing a good job.

[doulostojc]

Hi - thanks for sharing, must be painful to deal with the ambivalence of whether you should stay or go in this situation. Like the other commenters, leaving him until he is fully detoxed seems to be the best solution now. It will be hard, since it sounds like you've been in this relationship for a while...but your leave may make him think through the consequences of his actions. Make sure that he knows why you are leaving and the terms of your return (if you do plan to return to live with him again someday) such as commitment to see a therapist/chemical dependency professional regularly, a safety plan of some sort, a list of healthy coping skills. I'm so sorry to hear that his mom passed away recently and that you lost your dad also...I hope that you are surrounding yourself with positive community. Glad you are reaching out online for advice; a good place that I go is to older folks at church who have life experience and sees things in a positive, hopeful manner even in difficult situations like your own. I will be praying for you.

[Gaeta]

I know you want to help him but you cannot until he takes actions to help himself otherwise your time, love, and help would be futile. He will eventually drown you in his addiction and you'll end up leaving anyway but in bad shape with all of your energy and self worth stripped away from you.

 

I also think if it's possible for you to leave now it would be best you do. You need to make that final cut for yourself and for him. I also think transitioning to your friend before heading to your new place might help ease the blow especially it's the holidays.

 

Of course he loved (loves you) but drugs took over who he is on every level. Tell yourself that while he's on drugs he's not the man you love. Anything he may or will promise you isn't him.

 

I am very sorry you are going through this, I am keeping you in my thought.

[dobielover]

I think you'd be hard pressed to find a meth addict who felt they had a choice once they started using again.

[RocketQueen]

The father of my children was an alcoholic, so I have some experience of addiction.

 

He loved me and the children very much and we loved him but addiction is way stronger than love- they don't realise they're addicted until they're addicted.

 

For the longest time he had both his addiction and our love- so there was no reason for him to do anything about his drink problem. For the addict they have the 'luxury' of being too drunk/high whatever to realise the hurt they are causing, while the sober ones suffer...and when they do face up to what they have done they're so guilty they need the oblivion of their drug of choice to forget and the self loathing cycle begins.

 

You need to think about yourself, its tough walking away and goes against everything we're taught when someone clearly needs help, don't wait around for them to get to rock bottom because the chances are you will get there first.

 

You are strong and the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away and just hope it is the jolt he needs to sort himself out.

 

The hardest thing I ever did was walk away and find peace for me and my children. Peace that was essential to help us all deal with his passing a year later.

 

I don't mean to be the voice of doom but it's the harsh reality of addiction, but doesn't need to end that way, unfortunately the responsibility is his not yours.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness. Feel free to contact me. Sending hugs xx

[No_Go]

Katie, as someone who had an alcoholic parent AND partner, I am telling you run. He is NOT functional, I don't believe he's at work (maybe shows up somewhere but is not working), and he is on the road to get abusive - the question is when Get a place somewhere, and move on. It sucks but it will pass..

 

Thanks, yes I agree, and when I first found out, I told him rehab or we are done.

 

He promised, and we re-connected and I had hope!

 

Then he reneged on the rehab and said out-patient therapy.

 

Never followed through though....and now his behavior his erratic and impulsive again, he's never home (we live together)....he always sounds nasal, and when he gets home, he is wired, then crashes and sleeps all day, and around 3:00 leaves again for work (so he says), and back very late, wired up again.

 

So I know he is still using.

 

So so sad....

 

Thanks again for your response. I'll get through it somehow.

 

Still love him though.....this is really hard!

 

Wish my dad were here! (He passed away last year).

 

Ugh.

[schlieman]

Hi Katie,

 

i am in the same boat than you. Drugs(may it be Coke,meth,alcohol...) destroys everyone in a relationship. The thing is what was mentioned before, the addiction hardly ever comes by itself, there is in most cases an underlying issue, mental illness, depression, the death of a close one...

The proplem is and i had to find out the hard way that you can't help them. You can be there for them, support them but unless they are willing to help themselves you are wasting your time and just get hurt more.

My wife (we were 7 years together) suffered from depression and with it came the alcohol. Not every day but when she hit the alcohol there was no stopping her. So like your guy every couple of weeks she would disappear for a day or two just to come back home drunk. Everytime i was ready to leave we would talk again and would try again with her promising to do something about it. That lasted a while till she got sucked into it again. She is a beautyful person and i love her but i couldn't take it anymore. Another thing is if you give them ultimatums that will not work, cause then they get sober for you and not for themselves just to fall back into it cause they didn't do it for themselves.

 

Move out if you can and start the rest of your life. I know it hurts a lot but we need to move on. Be strong, cry when you need to and don't contact him or let him contact you. If he wants to change he's gotta do it, actions speak louder than words. Give it time and move on with your life, you never know what the future brings.

[Lobouspo]

"I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me"

[katiegrl]

Thanks guys ..u the best.

 

I just spent 15 minutes posting an update, but it didn't post cause apparently I was not logged on and post was lost, ugh.

 

But I did move out last night, staying with a good friend till I move into new place Jan 2nd.

 

I am okay, not great, lots of emotions whirling around.

 

I will re-draft later the post that was lost, don't have the energy to write it again now.

 

But thanks again for all your support, it means a lot more than you know!

 

Later....

[RocketQueen]

Hi, I'm relieved to read you're staying with a friend. Once I was out of there what seemed like the hardest time started- you get so used to living on your nerves it's hard to relax and not pre-empt what might happen next. The peace of mind almost finished me off!

 

Stay strong and keep us informed of how you're doing. Much love xxx

[schlieman]

Hey Katie,

 

just watched the movie and man are you so right this hits home. I am a mess right now coz it brought all the memories of my Ex back. And you know whats the worst, while watching the movie i got drunk myself, just to forget one night. Not a good daay today, hope tomorrow is going to be better.

[Captivating]

No, but his mom was terminally ill ...which is why he went back east in the first place .....to care for her.

 

She later died, and he told me recently when we first started discussing him using again (he had a problem with drugs and alcohol before we met)....that he feels tremendous guilt because she died in his care....

 

He is the one using, lying and maybe even cheating ....why do "I" feel so guilty for moving out and taking care of me ....just like you said I should do?

 

Others have advised the same, but I feel horrible!

 

Katie,

He lost his Mom and he questions whether he could have done more for her. Both of these, grief and guilt are devastating for him. It would be for anyone! He lost the one person, his Mom, who would always love him unconditionally and be there for him no matter what. His weakness/coping mechanism is drug addiction. HE NEEDS HELP with that !!!

Why do YOU feel so guilty, you ask?? Conscience.

This is your first test on LOVE. If you can walk away and turn your back on him, you guys weren't meant to be.

I would tell him that you as a TEAM, need to beat this addiction. He needs to check into rehab and stick with it as long as it takes. Also, he needs counseling with the grief and guilt part. He should also open up about these with you. Tell him that you are going to move out for now, with the intention to clear the air, both experience missing each other, might triggers positive changes on both sides. Tell him that his participation and willingness is crucial, he needs to do it for himself and for both of you !! Tell him that you are there for him. You should geather some of his family members to help both of you with the process of rehab. You visit him 3 times a week, siblings visit him 2x. I don't know whether visitation is allowed or not. He needs to know that he is not alone and that he is loved. So in a way you will have a breather living separately, but you don't abandon your future husband when things get tough. It is not right! What do you think Katie?

[Captivating]

You can't talk to him when he is under the influence. Maybe at 3 when he wakes up and his head is clear. It might take you weeks to convince him to go for rehab. Tell him that you will take him in and you really want to help him. His Mom would want that too !!! Tell him this too.

[katiegrl]

Katie,

He lost his Mom and he questions whether he could have done more for her. Both of these, grief and guilt are devastating for him. It would be for anyone! He lost the one person, his Mom, who would always love him unconditionally and be there for him no matter what. His weakness/coping mechanism is drug addiction. HE NEEDS HELP with that !!!

Why do YOU feel so guilty, you ask?? Conscience.

This is your first test on LOVE. If you can walk away and turn your back on him, you guys weren't meant to be.

I would tell him that you as a TEAM, need to beat this addiction. He needs to check into rehab and stick with it as long as it takes. Also, he needs counseling with the grief and guilt part. He should also open up about these with you. Tell him that you are going to move out for now, with the intention to clear the air, both experience missing each other, might triggers positive changes on both sides. Tell him that his participation and willingness is crucial, he needs to do it for himself and for both of you !! Tell him that you are there for him. You should geather some of his family members to help both of you with the process of rehab. You visit him 3 times a week, siblings visit him 2x. I don't know whether visitation is allowed or not. He needs to know that he is not alone and that he is loved. So in a way you will have a breather living separately, but you don't abandon your future husband when things get tough. It is not right! What do you think Katie?

 

Thanks Captivating, but no I am walking away for good....and have.

 

This was not about his mom's death ...that was his excuse. He had a problem with drugs and alcohol before we even met, so this goes WAY back.

 

I also found out the day I left, he has been using (cocaine mostly) off and on throughout our entire relationship (six years). He was even high the night we met ...which explains why he came on so strong and fast -- you may not know our history, but he was so intense, I had to slow him down, it was kinda crazy actually...how fast and strong he came on. He was high on coke!

 

Man I was so in love with him, I was completely blind!

 

He is also not taking responsibility for any of this, which completely blows my mind. When we talked (the day I left,) he blamed everyone but himself for his addiction.

 

His mom, for putting so much pressure on him to move back east and take care of her. His boss for being a "demanding *******." Me! for having such a high opinion of him and placing him on a pedestal ... and thus causing him to feel pressured to live up to my expectation....working two jobs, starting up his own business, etc.

 

When the truth is, I never asked him to start up the second business, that was 100% HIS idea. It was also his idea to get married (he had been asking me for years) ...I would have been perfectly happy just living with him forever .....my commitment came from my heart, not a piece of paper. He KNEW that!

 

The Hawaii wedding was also his idea, hell I would have been happy eloping! He knew that too.

 

I just went along with his agenda, cause he wanted it .....only to have him turn it around on me and tell me he felt pressured ....so he turns to coke and meth ....which he had been using all along anyway!

 

But yeah, I guess I am (or was) guilty of having a high opinion of him and putting him on a pedestal...I just really loved him a lot...my bad.

 

Anyhoo....he also promised rehab when I first found out and I left for two days, but he reneged once I returned home. Then promised out-patient, but reneged on that too, and kept using.

 

I feel like our entire relationship was one big lie.

 

So while I appreciate your advice, I think I will pass.

 

There is no trust anymore ....nor is there much respect either tbh.

 

I still care about him of course and hope to god he eventually gets help!

 

But I am gone.... for ME. That may sound selfish and uncaring to you, but this is what I need to do. It is what my late dad would have wanted me to do, what he would have encouraged me to do.

 

So that is what I am doing....RIP dad.

 

Peace out guys ...and best wishes for a fabulous 2016!

Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl