Why so hard to forget toxic stuff?

[Cappycorny]

And what drives me freaking nuts is the sex was soooooo good!

[StBreton]

He is 38. Outlandish? I've been here just for so many hours and I've read many more outlandish stories then mine. No! I don't normally walk into propellers, but I'm glad I came here to get this out of me it's been making me very upset. Should I have turned the other way? Yes I now Believe so. Not even a resounding "yes I most definitely should have"

 

However, I can't change what has taken place. This is out of the norm for me. I don't normally meet people at public places and hand them my email or phone number. First time and last for me. And don't tell me it was all in my head. Well I just did tell you that because the feelings were all in your head. That's completely evident by this guy's actions in your story.

 

He showed signs of liking me a lot Who cares...he's a married man with 3 young kids at home...you have a problem with boundaries...plain and simple. and I felt the same. That's not made up in ones head. Oh I'm sure YOUR feelings weren't made up in YOUR head...The heart wants what it wants sometimes.irregardless of the propeller ahead...sure. However in my case, I walked into a brick wall with this one.

 

A brick wall? 4 months down the road and you're here still thinking about him? This was a propeller...not a brick wall. A brick wall would have stopped you from the propeller. Healthy boundaries would have stopped you as well....there's a lesson here.

[Cappycorny]

A brick wall? 4 months down the road and you're here still thinking about him? This was a propeller...not a brick wall. A brick wall would have stopped you from the propeller. Healthy boundaries would have stopped you as well....there's a lesson here.

 

We've been in contact often. Of course I've been thinking about him. Now I need not to contact him again and realize that I made a large mistake here. My fault but it still hurts. Thanks for your help. Your delivery could be a little less harsh.

[Cappycorny]

Well guess what I did? I sent him one final text saying you could have just told me you were no longer interested. And this is what I get back..

 

 

That's pretty invasive. Tucking kids into bed and this stuff comes to my phone? Sorry if I you feel mislead. That was not my intent! Ok so wth?

[makemineamac]

Why are you sending him anything? Just stop, it's embarrassing. And this guy is a toxic loser.

 

You are imagining things into being that aren't there as well. There was no relationship, you were used, as were others this dufus has encountered.

 

How you found anything attractive about this guy given the 'stories' he told you implies you really needed to get laid more than question your decision about sleeping with a guy who is married and supporting kids from multiple relationships. Did you really see this going somewhere? Really? If he was ok doing this with you he's more than likely doing it with others as Amelie indicated. And he wouldn't have a problem doing it if he was in a relationship with you after leaving the terrible wife.

 

I would be asking myself what it is in me that allowed me to make such questionable decisions.

 

We all learn here and you have gotten some great advice thus far, yet you are continuing to seek his attention which isn't healthy.

 

Get some help in setting and maintaining proper boundaries.

 

Perhaps you are the way you are because of your recently ended relationship. What's the background on that?

 

Wish you well of course, sorry if we come across a bit harsh sometimes.

[Cappycorny]

Why are you sending him anything? Just stop, it's embarrassing. And this guy is a toxic loser.

 

You are imagining things into being that aren't there as well. There was no relationship, you were used, as were others this dufus has encountered.

 

How you found anything attractive about this guy given the 'stories' he told you implies you really needed to get laid more than question your decision about sleeping with a guy who is married and supporting kids from multiple relationships. Did you really see this going somewhere? Really? If he was ok doing this with you he's more than likely doing it with others as Amelie indicated. And he wouldn't have a problem doing it if he was in a relationship with you after leaving the terrible wife.

 

I would be asking myself what it is in me that allowed me to make such questionable decisions.

 

We all learn here and you have gotten some great advice thus far, yet you are continuing to seek his attention which isn't healthy.

 

Get some help in setting and maintaining proper boundaries.

 

Perhaps you are the way you are because of your recently ended relationship. What's the background on that?

 

Wish you well of course, sorry if we come across a bit harsh sometimes.

 

Yes. I desired him sexually very badly and did not care about his back ground at all really. I think the mistake I made on this post was using the word relationship. When it it was more a friends with benefits thing. I admitted my expectations to him up front that I saw no future bit enjoyed his company when I had it abd the sex. I was very clear on all that.

[Amelie1980]

Well guess what I did? I sent him one final text saying you could have just told me you were no longer interested. And this is what I get back..

 

 

That's pretty invasive. Tucking kids into bed and this stuff comes to my phone? Sorry if I you feel mislead. That was not my intent! Ok so wth?

 

He is still interested though. ...in random hook ups when it suits him. ..stop texting him.

[Blanco]

We've been in contact often. Of course I've been thinking about him. Now I need not to contact him again and realize that I made a large mistake here. My fault but it still hurts. Thanks for your help. Your delivery could be a little less harsh.

 

She's being blunt, not harsh. You asked for help, and I think she gave some great advice. Were I you, I'd prefer comments that could help give insights on what's happened rather than sugary platitudes that may spare your feelings but offer nothing of actual use in moving on from this mess.

[Cappycorny]

He is still interested though. ...in random hook ups when it suits him. ..stop texting him.

 

Well it can't always be on his terms.,

[Cappycorny]

She's being blunt, not harsh. You asked for help, and I think she gave some great advice. Were I you, I'd prefer comments that could help give insights on what's happened rather than sugary platitudes that may spare your feelings but offer nothing of actual use in moving on from this mess.

 

Blunt and harsh all the same. Advice taken and appreciated.

[Cappycorny]

He wrote me such a bogus email this am it really honed in on what a prick he is. Pleased to say I'm totally done! Lesson taken.

[Cappycorny]

Obviously what ever this was between the guy and I, let's call it friends with benefits, why do I want to contact an idiot? Someone said in my other thread I walked into a propeller. They could not have said it any better. However, I walked in fully aware and that scares me even more. Miss the contact and the chance for incredible sex with him. Feel like an idiot too.

[carhill]

IMO, try separating out the toxicity from the impulse to dive into it. I see those as discrete. Toxicity exists. It often is outside of our control. However, we have choices.

 

The why is a function of, IMO, how our brain stores memories. Emotional memories are stored in a different way, chemically, so are imprinted differently from cognitive memory. I had to learn about some of this when taking care of a psychotic person, mainly learning to avoid triggers which often lay in emotional memories. The lay person definitions I learned from a neurologist and psychiatrist.

[Cappycorny]

IMO, try separating out the toxicity from the impulse to dive into it. I see those as discrete. Toxicity exists. It often is outside of our control. However, we have choices.

 

The why is a function of, IMO, how our brain stores memories. Emotional memories are stored in a different way, chemically, so are imprinted differently from cognitive memory. I had to learn about some of this when taking care of a psychotic person, mainly learning to avoid triggers which often lay in emotional memories. The lay person definitions I learned from a neurologist and psychiatrist.

 

Makes much sense. I wonder if a therapy person might help? Idk? Probably a little soon to go that route since it's not even been a week that contact ended. I really want to write him, but he claims to be emotionally dead in his exact words. I assume that means he does not wish to or simply can't feel anything. I'm not so sure I buy that. I think it's his way of saying sorry not into you.

[Amelie1980]

Obviously what ever this was between the guy and I, let's call it friends with benefits, why do I want to contact an idiot? Someone said in my other thread I walked into a propeller. They could not have said it any better. However, I walked in fully aware and that scares me even more. Miss the contact and the chance for incredible sex with him. Feel like an idiot too.

 

I could have written that. I wish he would come back too which scares me even more.

[Cappycorny]

I could have written that. I wish he would come back too which scares me even more.

 

Wish I could tell you what to do but clearly I have no idea. I do know this is making me sick inside literally and that's just not healthy at all. I suppose we will figure it out. I just know I have to be strong and not write or text. Not strong enough yet to delete his number. Even though I want back that feeling of when we first meet by mistake literally. It was really incredible. Oh barf.

[NopeNah]

Makes much sense. I wonder if a therapy person might help? Idk? Probably a little soon to go that route since it's not even been a week that contact ended. I really want to write him, but he claims to be emotionally dead in his exact words. I assume that means he does not wish to or simply can't feel anything. I'm not so sure I buy that. I think it's his way of saying sorry not into you.

 

I'm in his position. I'm down for a FWB thing,but not dating anyone. I'm currently emotionally dead/drained. I have no room in my head for anything more. I am, however, upfront with the women I meet. Like you,though, they think they can 'change me'...they can't at this moment.

[Cappycorny]

I'm in his position. I'm down for a FWB thing,but not dating anyone. I'm currently emotionally dead/drained. I have no room in my head for anything more. I am, however, upfront with the women I meet. Like you,though, they think they can 'change me'...they can't at this moment.

 

I'm sorry. It's good your up front with them. My situation more complex. I hook up with a guy in a bad marriage that he left, then went back to an old gf had a kid. Goes back to wife for other two kids, does not love either woman yet charms me and I open myself up to it. I was up front with no expectations of a future given his situation. But as I said, I walked into a propeller for sure and even though I know it's all wrong, being with him alone is wonderful but he's clearly to emotionally dead so he says for any of it. I just wonder what flipped the switch. Cause he sure did back away after the first time in bed. He told me I was great, as his backing away gave me a large complex. Idk? It's so messed up. Just need not to desire him I suppose. Gotta do some internal work on myself I guess.

[NopeNah]

I'm sorry. It's good your up front with them. My situation more complex. I hook up with a guy in a bad marriage that he left, then went back to an old gf had a kid. Goes back to wife for other two kids, does not love either woman yet charms me and I open myself up to it. I was up front with no expectations of a future given his situation. But as I said, I walked into a propeller for sure and even though I know it's all wrong, being with him alone is wonderful but he's clearly to emotionally dead so he says for any of it. I just wonder what flipped the switch. Cause he sure did back away after the first time in bed. He told me I was great, as his backing away gave me a large complex. Idk? It's so messed up. Just need not to desire him I suppose. Gotta do some internal work on myself I guess.

To be blunt: Once he slept with you it was "on to the next"..Sorry,but it's time to accept it at face value and forget him.

[Cappycorny]

To be blunt: Once he slept with you it was "on to the next"..Sorry,but it's time to accept it at face value and forget him.

 

That's what I was afraid of and

I was blunt with him about that, I came out and called him out on the carpet about that. He was like if you want to think I wanted you just for Sex fine you think that. Why do guys do that? It's really crappy.

[Cappycorny]

And he has the balls to say sneaking around was not wise. Haha. What an idiot.

 

What he wrote:

 

I'm sorry that you are mad. I don't know what to say about all of that. If you want to think I was after one thing that's fine. Just stop putting it in writing. I'm emotionally dead and trying to do what's best for the kids. Sneaking around and putting so much at risk is not wise. I don't have time. Yeah everyone has issues to deal with, I get it. Well, I've got to deal with mine as best as I can. I am not going to meet your expectations, so I'll just add it to the guilt pile.

[Itspointless]

Why so hard to forget toxic stuff?

Because in a toxic relation we are trained to be happy with a postponed reward. We cannot believe that this time the reward does not come. But what if I am being patient or wont nag? It is toxic because of this master-slave dynamic.

 

As Carhill mentions, your brain connects him with pleasure and a feeling of intimate bonding. He on the other hand probably just saw you as medium for his lust. Be nice to yourself and try to forget him. Do not let him be your master.

[Cappycorny]

Because in a toxic relation we are trained to be happy with a postponed reward. We cannot believe that this time the reward does not come. But what if I am being patient or wont nag? It is toxic because of this master-slave dynamic.

 

As Carhill mentions, your brain connects him with pleasure and a feeling of intimate bonding. He on the other hand probably just saw you as medium for his lust. Be nice to yourself and try to forget him. Do not let him be your master.

 

Yes! Thank you.

[xuanqi1988]

it's called toxic for a reason. Toxic relationships are like a drug...you know it's bad for you but once you are in you get addicted, and it takes time to quit. I know exactly what you mean, because you were manipulated into the situation you are right now. They may not have lied to you about want a FWB but there was no "precaution" signs either. The truth is, not everyone can do FWB especially if you are in a position where you long to love and be loved. at the end of the day you gotta find someone who wants the same thing

[Cappycorny]

it's called toxic for a reason. Toxic relationships are like a drug...you know it's bad for you but once you are in you get addicted, and it takes time to quit. I know exactly what you mean, because you were manipulated into the situation you are right now. They may not have lied to you about want a FWB but there was no "precaution" signs either. The truth is, not everyone can do FWB especially if you are in a position where you long to love and be loved. at the end of the day you gotta find someone who wants the same thing

 

Spot on! Especially the love part! I probably in the long run would never have lasted in that situation anyway. This guy also is emotionally dead apparently, so where would it have gone anyway? He's a one night stand playboy I'm gathering. And I can't roll that way. Yeah, I was manipulated time to get over it. Got to not focus on the feel good stuff that got me into the propeller accident to being with!