Amelie1980 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Oh no! Don't go there. We are better then men like this. They are toxic and this is all toxic behavior hence the name of my thread. Now I need to take my own stinking advice because stupid me what do I do? I text him this. " I don't know? Hope your ok? Really what is wrong with me??? I'm so mad at myself for doing that. I doubt I'll get a reply and really do I want one? Gotta think this sort of stuff that's not good for us is not good for a reason! Darn it. If mine came back tomorrow I'd see him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 If mine came back tomorrow I'd see him again. Gotta learn everything the hard way, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Gotta learn everything the hard way, eh? what does it matter anymore. my life isnt worth living. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappycorny Posted December 22, 2015 Author Share Posted December 22, 2015 If mine came back tomorrow I'd see him again. I get that. But then we both would be right back to Square one with idiots. My text I think now was a good thing. No reply he does not give a you know what. Now today that makes it easier for me. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 what does it matter anymore. my life isnt worth living. Amelie.... seriously? Because of one man's confusion, ambivalence and IDIOCY? Why do you allow him (a loser) such power over you? Please seek help for your obvious depression....as feeling like your life isn't worth living because of one failed and "toxic" RL, or even a few.... is toxic in and of itself...and that my dear is on YOU. And, therefore, you have control over that... and can and should take the necessary steps to fix it! Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Amelie.... seriously? Because of one man's confusion, ambivalence and IDIOCY? Why do you allow him (a loser) such power over you? Please seek help for your obvious depression....as feeling like your life isn't worth living because of one failed and "toxic" RL, or even a few.... is toxic in and of itself...and that my dear is on YOU. And, therefore, you have control over that... and can and should take the necessary steps to fix it! Hugs. No. It is the cumulative effect. I lost almost everything I had over the last couple of years, including my job and my health. He was the last straw. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 No. It is the cumulative effect. I lost almost everything I had over the last couple of years, including my job and my health. He was the last straw. Which is all the more reason you need to seek professional help sweetie.... I myself am in therapy.... I lost both my parents last year, am going through a break up (as of last night after a six year relationship AND engagement)... and will be seeing my therapist later today.... which I KNOW will help me cope. Please look into it... it could possibly save your life! Good luck and hugs.... xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Therapy doesnt work. if you're lonely. What does it do? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Therapy doesnt work. if you're lonely. What does it do? Therapy will give you the coping skills to deal with shyt when it happens and will also help to give you the strength to conquer your fears.... enabling you to go out and live life to its fullest....so you're not so lonely anymore! It will also give you the strength to recognize and walk away from TOXIC people and situations...and learn how to avoid in the future. It has helped me anyway....and thousands and thousands of others as well. Of course, you need to want to be helped first....instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself -- wah wah poor me.... that attitude won't get you anywhere.... Your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) I lost both my parents last year, am going through a break up (as of last night after a six year relationship AND engagement)... I am sorry to hear this Katie. That is a lot to handle. Hugs. No. It is the cumulative effect. I lost almost everything I had over the last couple of years, including my job and my health. He was the last straw. I can relate with you Amelie. The break-up with my ex (which was due to her health (illness)and dismissive-avoidant attachment) let me relive an old painful trauma also having to do with illness and loosing: I quite lost myself. Finally when I started to feel a bit better I lost my job this year, which was a dirty process too. Sometimes it is hard to remain confident, but that is exactly what is important: knowing that what you believe about yourself is true - what they call in cognitive therapy convictions - and that they are helping you. For example saying 'I must be worthless as my ex and my boss put me by the trash' is not helpful at all. It is not true either! There are some lucky people out there that do not even know yet (my new girlfriend and boss) Therapy is important for me as well. Edited December 23, 2015 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I am sorry to hear this Katie. That is a lot to handle. Hugs. I can relate with you Amelie. The break-up with my ex (which was due to her health (illness)and dismissive-avoidant attachment) let me relive an old painful trauma also having to do with illness and loosing: I quite lost myself. Finally when I started to feel a bit better I lost my job this year, which was a dirty process too. Sometimes it is hard to remain confident, but that is exactly what is important: knowing that what you believe about yourself is true - what they call in cognitive therapy convictions - and that they are helping you. For example saying 'I must be worthless as my ex and my boss put me by the trash' is not helpful at all. It is not true either! There are some lucky people out there that do not even know yet (my new girlfriend and boss) Therapy is important for me as well. When I lost my job my family said wow you ****ed up again. Are they wrong about me? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 When I lost my job my family said wow you ****ed up again. Are they wrong about me? It tells me more about the critical voice you probably made your own over the years. Psychologists actually call that kind of voice the critical parent. We internalize the voices we have heard the most when growing up. Investigate for yourself, did you really? My guess is you didn't, not in this kind of way anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 It tells me more about the critical voice you probably made your own over the years. Psychologists actually call that kind of voice the critical parent. We internalize the voices we have heard the most when growing up. Investigate for yourself, did you really? My guess is you didn't, not in this kind of way anyway. No I didnt screw it up and it wasnt my fault. I wasnt the only one either. It has terrified me the way absolutely no one in my life cares about me. No support whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappycorny Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 No I didnt screw it up and it wasnt my fault. I wasnt the only one either. It has terrified me the way absolutely no one in my life cares about me. No support whatsoever. I care and I read you loud and clear. What I got into too was sort of a last straw for me. I totally get that. Someone asked me earlier in this thread to describe my last relationship! Well my last real relationship was with my spouse who i lost 3 years ago to illness. He was to young and our love was too grand. While I've spent a good amount of time healing and accepting, some days I feel so lost. I've not dated anyone serious since. I have 3 small children and I've had a hang up about adding a man to their life. They are all really bright and we have a good life with lots of support so I feel like I not ready to Have a guy around all the time. This is why this guy I meet felt good to me. It was distant yet sort of close, however it was not the right choice. You see I think we attract ourselves to a toxic mess when we are vunerable. You sound vulnerable given all you've been through. I know your lonely, but therapy might work for you. I did some when my h was sick and then some more the first year after he passed. It helped in many ways, but I'm not perfect and I've clearly screwed up yet again. You will get there. I will too. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 No I didnt screw it up and it wasnt my fault. I wasnt the only one either. It has terrified me the way absolutely no one in my life cares about me. No support whatsoever. Pretty sure all Itspointless is trying to say is that your upbringing and toxic (sounding) family has probably created and defined the critical voice you have today. Are you living with your family right now? Financially dependent on them? It doesn't sound like you are getting anything emotionally positive from these people, so if you are dependent on them in other ways, you should consider making that something to change so that you can be rid of these people. Family or not, no one is entitled to be a toxic presence in someone's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
makemineamac Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Not only that, I think he's making a correct decision in not sneaking around and at least appearing to do the right thing now. He may be or may not be, doesn't matter. And, he's being honest with you in telling you he would not meet your expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cappycorny Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 Not only that, I think he's making a correct decision in not sneaking around and at least appearing to do the right thing now. He may be or may not be, doesn't matter. And, he's being honest with you in telling you he would not meet your expectations. Yeah he would not meet my expectations but then don't sleep with me and ditch me. Loser men in my mind behave that way. He used me for one time sex and now when the opportunity stricks again , he will do it to another girl. I'd advise him to be up front first about being emotionally dead. But my guess, he won't. He will get the sex first then play the same game with the next one like he did with me. Total trash toxic trash. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Pretty sure all Itspointless is trying to say is that your upbringing and toxic (sounding) family has probably created and defined the critical voice you have today Thanks Blanco, yes. Amelie that is how it usually works when we grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I am sorry to hear this Katie. That is a lot to handle. Hugs. Thank you Ip! The breakup was a long time coming (a few months)...so I'm okay believe it or not. Sad, hurt and disappointed ...but relieved I finally made the decision....and am moving on. Friends, family and this board have helped! Hugs right back at ya... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Thank you Ip! The breakup was a long time coming (a few months)...so I'm okay believe it or not. Sad, hurt and disappointed ...but relieved I finally made the decision....and am moving on. Friends, family and this board have helped! Hugs right back at ya... Sometimes we feel what is coming or what is meant to happen. Does not make it any less painful. I am happy though that it helps you! In the meantime I like your presence in these parts of the forum. Thank you for the hug 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Sometimes we feel what is coming or what is meant to happen. Does not make it any less painful. I am happy though that it helps you! In the meantime I like your presence in these parts of the forum. Thank you for the hug It's funny...prior to me going through b/up myself, I never once even looked at this section, let alone particpated. Now I can't tear myself away! Helping others (or trying to) get though it ... helps me too! Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 It's funny...prior to me going through b/up myself, I never once even looked at this section, let alone particpated. Now I can't tear myself away! Helping others (or trying to) get though it ... helps me too! There are more members who suddenly discover this section ans the coping section. For me it was the entrance to this board two years ago. I feel that in this section and the coping section I have most to give. Perhaps also because it is always taking me ages to recover. This discussion for example comes close to home for me. I think forums like these can show us what humanity is capable of. Unfortunately people often forget so soon when they feel not vulnerable any-more and start competing again. Reading the help people offer here to others, makes me feel more optimistic about people. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) There are more members who suddenly discover this section ans the coping section. For me it was the entrance to this board two years ago. I feel that in this section and the coping section I have most to give. Perhaps also because it is always taking me ages to recover. This discussion for example comes close to home for me. I think forums like these can show us what humanity is capable of. Unfortunately people often forget so soon when they feel not vulnerable any-more and start competing again. Reading the help people offer here to others, makes me feel more optimistic about people. I hear ya ...but at the same time, I often wonder why certain posters only feel inclined to start a thread or post when *they* have a problem...but never see any posts from them attempting to help others with their problems. It's like they start their thread, get advice, then they leave and we never hear from them again! Seems very self-centered to me....if only they realized that by trying to help others..they are actually helping themselves too! It feels good to give back you know? Wish more people would realize that....it would help in their own recovery process! It has helped me anyway. Takes the focus off myself...and how bad I am feeling. Not sure if that makes sense. Edited December 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I hear ya ...but at the same time, I often wonder why certain posters only feel inclined to start a thread or post when *they* have a problem...but never see any posts from them attempting to help others with their problems. It's like they start their thread, get advice, then they leave and we never hear from them again! Seems very self-centered to me....if only they realized that by trying to help others..they are actually helping themselves too! It feels good to give back you know? Wish more people would realize that....it would help in their own recovery process! It has helped me anyway. Takes the focus off myself...and how bad I am feeling. Not sure if that makes sense. yes definitely makes sense, as I often wonder myself I personally think it has to do with at least two components that play a big part in our psychology: safety and cultural background and the way these two are intertwined. The first one has to do with how we are used to maintain a strong (positive) image, or in another way put see ourselves as normal. That is immediately tied to the way we perceive gender-roles (socially constructed images belonging to the sexes). If we are asking for help or when we are helping and perceive that as weak than many will repress the memory of needing that help and finding it helpful; they just forget. Many guys find a compromise in tough love (my opinion though ) I can only talk about my perspective as a men in his mid thirties living in Europe, but I often already notice some minor differences with the American men here. Also many people are a bit self-centered these days, they just find it normal that other people help them and do not realize that they too can give back. Luckily there are also men and women who return to give back themselves. Most of the time we cannot blame them, it is currently also the dominant way we teach people to be. It is what sometimes is called the meritocratic ideal: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meritocracy Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I forgot, there are also people who find it to painful to think back about everything. They just bury their emotions and memories. Link to post Share on other sites
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