Dating, as a "numbers game"

[Inflikted]

Now, my perspective may be somewhat skewed, being that I'm a 27 year old guy that's never even been on a date let alone a relationship, is completely socially inept and incapable of making a personal connection with another person, and has only ever been personally attracted to maybe two different girls out of the hundreds I've met and known through my life.

 

What I see frequently is that people advise "Don't fear rejection, cold approach as many women as you can every single day, be fun and flirty, ask them out, most will say no, some will say yes, go on dates and enjoy". And I suppose that's fine and dandy, but the idea of dating as a "numbers game" seems really dreary to me.

 

The reason being is, that seems like it would lead to a lot of mediocre dates/ relationships, because it makes dating sound like this "mechanical" thing in which you're simply seeking a result, that being to date someone consistently. But even if you play the numbers game, ask out every girl you come across, go on a decent amount of dates, and eventually settle into a stable consistent routine with one of those girls, it doesn't really mean the relationship will be personally fulfilling. In other words, it's like throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall and just waiting for one of those things to stick.

 

Now, me personally, I don't really "fear" rejection; what I fear more is that if I played this "numbers game", I'd eventually just settle for a relationship that seems consistent, even if I'm not that into the person I'd be dating.

 

Let me make a comparison. As a kid, I owned a dog, and he was such an amazing companion. I couldn't imagine a better dog. But, he eventually grew old and passed away. Eventually, I got a new dog. My new dog is okay; I don't dislike him, and I take care of him, and I wouldn't willingly get rid of him. But I don't feel very attached to him, either. It's nice having a dog, period, but it just kind of feels like I'm going through the motions as a pet owner.

 

It scares me to think of falling into that same kind of behavior with dating, as well. Sure, maybe if I tried really hard and asked out every girl I run into, I might be able to get some dates, and maybe some of them would want to continue seeing me. But my natural inclination is to go with what's stable and consistent, even if it doesn't make me happy or feel satisfying to me. And that's not the kind of relationship I'd really want to end up in.

 

So what is it I'm missing here? Is the "numbers game" philosophy incorrect? Or is that simply what dating is? Is that simply what being in a relationship means, to be with someone that's stable and consistent even if you're not that attached to them?

[katiegrl]

IMO, the numbers game refers to meeting and dating (a few dates) as many women as you can ... *until* you meet a woman with whom there is a mutual attraction and connection. After which you embark on developing a relationship with *her*.

 

It does not mean dating a bunch of woman until one *sticks*. Any women will do. Definitely does not mean that.

 

The more women you ask out and date, the better chance you have to meet that special woman you mutually click with and feel a mutual attraction for.

 

No need to be settling for just any woman who is willing to continue dating you. Wrong attitude!

[Inflikted]

No need to be settling for just any woman who is willing to continue dating you. Wrong attitude!

 

Well, yes, I know that, in general, "settling" isn't good, but how does one really avoid it? Rather, how does one realize whether they're truly happy with someone, or if they're just settling for something consistent? Surely, it's not easy to recognize, and I'd imagine lots of people do it and don't realize it until it's too late. At which point, they either just tough it out until they die, or they end up going through a breakup that's probably very painful for the other individual.

 

Me, I don't WANT to "settle", but again, I'm very prone to that, and I'm most likely to take whoever I can get, at this point in my life, for fear of never finding anything better with someone. And the thought of that is very scary to me, and makes me very uncomfortable about the world of dating.

 

I've found that I don't really "like" very many people. Not that I "dislike" people, mind you, but I often feel like I'm just "tolerating" the people around me to varying degrees. The thought of dating people and especially ending up in a relationship with someone I'm just "tolerating" makes it difficult to approach dating, to begin with.

[katiegrl]

Well, yes, I know that, in general, "settling" isn't good, but how does one really avoid it? Rather, how does one realize whether they're truly happy with someone, or if they're just settling for something consistent? Surely, it's not easy to recognize, and I'd imagine lots of people do it and don't realize it until it's too late. At which point, they either just tough it out until they die, or they end up going through a breakup that's probably very painful for the other individual.

 

Me, I don't WANT to "settle", but again, I'm very prone to that, and I'm most likely to take whoever I can get, at this point in my life, for fear of never finding anything better with someone. And the thought of that is very scary to me, and makes me very uncomfortable about the world of dating.

 

I've found that I don't really "like" very many people. Not that I "dislike" people, mind you, but I often feel like I'm just "tolerating" the people around me to varying degrees. The thought of dating people and especially ending up in a relationship with someone I'm just "tolerating" makes it difficult to approach dating, to begin with.

 

Actually, realizing when you feel an attraction and mutual chemistry with someone IS quite easy for most people....

 

When it's there ...many can feel it on the first date ...for others it takes as few dates..certainly not more than that.

 

When the chemistry is there...you move forward, when it's not you move on and continue your search. Back to meeting and dating as many women as you can until you feel it.

 

It's not that complicated.

 

Perhaps it is for you personally, because you said yourself you have difficulty connecting with people. Perhaps you are emotionally blocked for some reason, which prevents you from connecting and feeling attracted to and chemistry with women....

 

If that is the case, you may wish to explore that ..but most people don't have that difficult a time.

 

They are capable of feeling chemistry, and attraction (beyond the physical)..and if they don't feel it, they simply move on and continue the search.

[katiegrl]

OP, the only advice I can offer is to seek professional help and explore why it is you don't like most people (women), find it difficult to connect, and are emotionally blocked.

 

Never settle for just what you can get or tolerate...that is sad. You may as well be alone.

 

Resolve your demons.

 

Good luck ....wish you the best.

[Leucine]

Meeting and interacting with enough people in order to locate someone who might be compatible with you is a numbers game, not going on mediocre dates with absolutely everyone you meet. That just makes you look like you have no standards whatsoever.

 

After some bitter experiences in relationships and dating, I now have a very clear idea of I'm looking for in a relationship, and only go on dates with very few who I believe would make good candidates. I don't believe in cold approaching someone and asking her out, it might sometimes land you a one night stand but I don't even care about that any more. It sounds strange coming from a 27 year old guy and I myself would never have imagined saying anything like that only a year ago, but life has a tendency to take unexpected turns.

[PogoStick]

Having zero romantic experience by 27 is definitely unusual. Hell, where I live now, many girls are already having kids by age 23, or even earlier.

 

What I feel you doing with this "numbers game" question is finding yet another reason to avoid dating and relationships in the first place. Your real question right now should be "Why have I never had a relationship, or even gone on a date with a girl?"

 

Look deep and be completely honest with yourself. Would you like to share any insights with us?

[Inflikted]

Having zero romantic experience by 27 is definitely unusual. Hell, where I live now, many girls are already having kids by age 23, or even earlier.

 

What I feel you doing with this "numbers game" question is finding yet another reason to avoid dating and relationships in the first place. Your real question right now should be "Why have I never had a relationship, or even gone on a date with a girl?"

 

Look deep and be completely honest with yourself. Would you like to share any insights with us?

 

Well, again, the answer to those questions would be that I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I've never been able to have any kind of personal relationship with anyone, even a friendship. The closest I can get with anyone is "acquaintance".

 

I just don't "mesh" very well with anyone I meet. Only once have I met someone that I felt very natural about connecting with, and I developed feelings for her, but she didn't reciprocate those feelings and she pulled away from me after she found out how I felt.

 

I've met and known tons of people over my life. Classmates, coworkers, and other various colleagues. I've tried, every step of the way, to "learn" and be a more social person and to be better at connecting with people. But I don't feel I've gotten any better at it at all. I just... can't connect.

 

Worse yet, I've come to a point in my life where I don't even have much opportunity to meet new people anymore. I've settled in to a new job that doesn't really help me meet anyone, I'm done with school so I can't really rely on meeting people in college, there aren't any activities I'm even a little interested in pursuing that would be conducive to meeting anyone, and I'm much too introverted and reserved to be successful at going to bars or clubs by myself and meeting people. At least back when I had a different job and was still in school, there were more opportunities to connect with people for me. I, of course, always failed to connect, but the opportunities were there. Now? Not so much.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Now, my perspective may be somewhat skewed, being that I'm a 27 year old guy that's never even been on a date let alone a relationship, is completely socially inept and incapable of making a personal connection with another person, and has only ever been personally attracted to maybe two different girls out of the hundreds I've met and known through my life.

 

What I see frequently is that people advise "Don't fear rejection, cold approach as many women as you can every single day, be fun and flirty, ask them out, most will say no, some will say yes, go on dates and enjoy". And I suppose that's fine and dandy, but the idea of dating as a "numbers game" seems really dreary to me.

 

The reason being is, that seems like it would lead to a lot of mediocre dates/ relationships, because it makes dating sound like this "mechanical" thing in which you're simply seeking a result, that being to date someone consistently. But even if you play the numbers game, ask out every girl you come across, go on a decent amount of dates, and eventually settle into a stable consistent routine with one of those girls, it doesn't really mean the relationship will be personally fulfilling. In other words, it's like throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall and just waiting for one of those things to stick.

 

Now, me personally, I don't really "fear" rejection; what I fear more is that if I played this "numbers game", I'd eventually just settle for a relationship that seems consistent, even if I'm not that into the person I'd be dating.

 

Let me make a comparison. As a kid, I owned a dog, and he was such an amazing companion. I couldn't imagine a better dog. But, he eventually grew old and passed away. Eventually, I got a new dog. My new dog is okay; I don't dislike him, and I take care of him, and I wouldn't willingly get rid of him. But I don't feel very attached to him, either. It's nice having a dog, period, but it just kind of feels like I'm going through the motions as a pet owner.

 

It scares me to think of falling into that same kind of behavior with dating, as well. Sure, maybe if I tried really hard and asked out every girl I run into, I might be able to get some dates, and maybe some of them would want to continue seeing me. But my natural inclination is to go with what's stable and consistent, even if it doesn't make me happy or feel satisfying to me. And that's not the kind of relationship I'd really want to end up in.

 

So what is it I'm missing here? Is the "numbers game" philosophy incorrect? Or is that simply what dating is? Is that simply what being in a relationship means, to be with someone that's stable and consistent even if you're not that attached to them?

 

 

 

 

You are missing a number of things, not the least of which is that the variable in your dog analogy is your being an impressionable, care-free young kid when that old dog made his early impressions upon you.

 

 

Now you know how much dog food costs, and how much time it takes to walk him... etc.

 

 

 

And dating IS a numbers game in that way, and the opposite to what you describe with all of the data is the wholly absurd belief in "soul mates".

 

Do you ever notice that there were far more "soul mates" walking around your college campus (having found one another) than there are people who tell you that their "soul mate" was found working at a 7-Eleven in Bangladesh?

 

Well consider that the odds of the "soul mate" for any give human are exactly the SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME to be working at 7-Eleven in Bangladesh as they are to be roaming the hallowed halls of North Carolina A & M University.

 

 

Dating IS a numbers game, and it involves you *investing yourself* in people, in normal fashion. (whether that be as their paperboy on an adult paper route, or as the guy who delivers the food to the catered office party they have, or as some guy who took a class they were in, on Thursday nights, in yourtown, USA...)

 

 

So get out there and interact with society.

[Gaeta]

Only once have I met someone that I felt very natural about connecting with, and I developed feelings for her, but she didn't reciprocate those feelings and she pulled away from me after she found out how I felt.

 

There you go ! Stop saying you cannot connect, you can and this is the proof. It may take you longer to connect but YOU CAN.

 

I strongly suggest you stop repeating to yourself you cannot that is what keeps you in this loophole.

 

Now go out there and date till you find a girl you feel excited about and she does reciprocate the feelings.

 

Don't think you are the exception. We all go through this process to meet someone.

[Inflikted]

You are missing a number of things, not the least of which is that the variable in your dog analogy is your being an impressionable, care-free young kid when that old dog made his early impressions upon you.

 

 

Now you know how much dog food costs, and how much time it takes to walk him... etc.

 

 

 

And dating IS a numbers game in that way, and the opposite to what you describe with all of the data is the wholly absurd belief in "soul mates".

 

Do you ever notice that there were far more "soul mates" walking around your college campus (having found one another) than there are people who tell you that their "soul mate" was found working at a 7-Eleven in Bangladesh?

 

Well consider that the odds of the "soul mate" for any give human are exactly the SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME to be working at 7-Eleven in Bangladesh as they are to be roaming the hallowed halls of North Carolina A & M University.

 

 

Dating IS a numbers game, and it involves you *investing yourself* in people, in normal fashion. (whether that be as their paperboy on an adult paper route, or as the guy who delivers the food to the catered office party they have, or as some guy who took a class they were in, on Thursday nights, in yourtown, USA...)

 

 

So get out there and interact with society.

 

Yeah, I mean, I don't necessarily believe in "soul mates", or anything like that, nor is that something I hear people around me talking about. But any time I see people in relationships around me, I can usually see why they're together and what drew them to each other.

 

I'm not really expecting to find some "perfect woman" or anything like that. But if I were to date someone, I want it to be someone I genuinely like and care about and get along with really well.

 

I've seen a fair amount of "loveless" relationships, as well, especially within my own family. It's very jarring to see couples that seem to be more like distant "roommates" than loving partners. I'm afraid of ending up that way, because my limited scope of attraction combined with my desire to just have something at all would make me prone to that kind of thing.

 

I don't want to be with someone "just because". I want to be with someone that I'm happy and proud to be with, someone I'm excited to talk to and do things with. I don't want to end up just being in a relationship with an "acquaintance".

 

While my scope of "opportunity" is, admittedly, practically nonexistent right now, I've had plenty of opportunity over the last several years. I've met hundreds of people, and over all that time, I've not been able to connect with any of them. I'm just so "off" from everyone else. Even if I had more going on in my life, getting me out doing things and meeting people, I still wouldn't be very successful, just because of who I am. History has already proven that time and time again.

[newt]

In my opinion, it's only a numbers game to woman because they are not expected to pay for dinner

 

As a man who is a member of the working poor, how many women can I really date at the same time when I am expecting to pay for everything?

 

 

That may work in highschool and college but now for a man in his 30's

[hasaquestion]

I think you're missing the point by taking the statement "dating is a number's game" literally.

 

Making an effort to understand people, and listen to them, and meet them, and put yourself out there... that has a lot of value to you. If you sit around on the sidelines waiting for the perfect girl you are saving yourself "failures" that can help you grow and be a better person. Failure is a useful thing. It illustrates what isn't working. And incremental successes highlight what is.

 

The piece of advice that one should treat dating as a "number's game" isn't just about being a means to your end of having a mythical perfect girlfriend/wife. Its about getting involved with the process instead of just wanting to jump straight to the endgame.

[scooby-philly]

Okay - so let me jump onto the band wagon here....

 

 

1. I agree with several of the previous posters - the phrase "numbers game" isn't meant as the way as some people take it. Yes, on one level it's about "numbers" and experience. But it's about YOU (and them) on your journey. Think if it this way. Instead of saying throwing stuff at a wall and seeing what sticks, imagine darts and a dartboard. On one level you have to be okay with throwing dart after dart, but each time you throw one you are working on YOU and YOUR skills. Then, when you get enough practice and understand the situation you can throw a dart, hit the target, win the game, and that dart is deep enough that it sticks and you weather everything together. Okay - silly analogy, but that's the point - it's not meant to be impersonal - it's very personal - but as a society we don't really teach people how to date, we don't focus on self-discovery, and we don't present clear reality in the media/entertainment - everyone goes through the same thing. Yes, the process can be painful. And, with OLD and other technology it can seem impersonal. But things do work out. I didn't start dating till I was thirty or so. (Was a missionary/seminarian and also had low self-esteem issues, etc) I've had two gfs, including a fiancee, have met & had sex with several other women, and grown a lot.

 

2. It's like birthday parties. One of my seminarian leaders told me one year when I said I didn't want a birthday party - "it's not for you silly, it's a reason for people to come together". That's the point of dating sometimes - you have to get over the fact that you won't always click with people and that things don't work out - that's part of the process. That's the point - finding what you truly value, what you truly need, what you truly want and what works for you.

 

3. And - you're not done with school. We never stop learning. You can always go back for a certification, or join & lead a professional development group, etc.

[Inflikted]

1. I agree with several of the previous posters - the phrase "numbers game" isn't meant as the way as some people take it. Yes, on one level it's about "numbers" and experience. But it's about YOU (and them) on your journey. Think if it this way. Instead of saying throwing stuff at a wall and seeing what sticks, imagine darts and a dartboard. On one level you have to be okay with throwing dart after dart, but each time you throw one you are working on YOU and YOUR skills. Then, when you get enough practice and understand the situation you can throw a dart, hit the target, win the game, and that dart is deep enough that it sticks and you weather everything together. Okay - silly analogy, but that's the point - it's not meant to be impersonal - it's very personal - but as a society we don't really teach people how to date, we don't focus on self-discovery, and we don't present clear reality in the media/entertainment - everyone goes through the same thing. Yes, the process can be painful. And, with OLD and other technology it can seem impersonal. But things do work out. I didn't start dating till I was thirty or so. (Was a missionary/seminarian and also had low self-esteem issues, etc) I've had two gfs, including a fiancee, have met & had sex with several other women, and grown a lot.

 

I guess... But even still, your analogy basically boils down to "practice makes perfect", that one is supposed to learn from their experiences and grow from them and become better at dating and whatnot.

 

Except, for me, "practice" never makes me better at anything. I can "practice" and "practice" something for years and I never get even a little bit better at it. Whether that's some kind of actual deficiency with me, I don't know.

 

I suppose this idea would probably be a lot easier for me to digest if I had a more normal scope of attraction. I feel like most "normal" people could walk into a packed bar or club or a party or some other large gathering of people, and be able to identify a number of people they're attracted to, if only on a superficial level. But for a lot of people, that's at least enough to get the ball rolling, it's enough to at least go on a few dates with someone.

 

Me, I don't have that. I go to any large gathering of people, and I can't identify anyone that catches my eye. I just don't have the mind for that, I guess. For whatever reason, I'm never personally attracted to anyone I meet.

[alphamale]

if you ask 5 girls out chances are one will say yes

[katiegrl]

OP...are you adverse to seeking therapy for some reason? Surely, you must realize by now that you have got some serious issues that need resolving.....

 

All I hear is you whining about how you are incapable of connecting with anyone,..including woman, wah wah.........so for the love of God, do something about it!

 

You need professional help...to help you resolve WHY it is you are incapable of connecting with people ....

 

Again, are you adverse to this for some reason?

 

I don't get it....

 

You will never get anywhere in this life by whining about it ...and yes you *are* whining.

[katiegrl]

IMO, this thread is mis-titled.

 

It's not about the "numbers game" at all and how it doesn't work. It *does* work for most people.

 

It's a fact ...the more people you meet, the better chance you have of meeting that special person you connect with.

 

The issue here is that you, OP, are incapable of connecting with anyone, so it does not matter how many women you meet, you are incapable of connecting with any of them ...because YOU have issues.

 

Seek help!

 

Otherwise you are destined to be alone ...ending up with some chick you merely *tolerate* but don't truly connect with.

 

Your choice.

[Inflikted]

OP...are you adverse to seeking therapy for some reason? Surely, you must realize by now that you have got some serious issues that need resolving.....

 

I've tried it. I didn't care for it and I wasn't absorbing anything from it.

 

IMO, this thread is mis-titled.

 

It's not about the "numbers game" at all and how it doesn't work. It *does* work for most people.

 

It's a fact ...the more people you meet, the better chance you have of meeting that special person you connect with.

 

The issue here is that you, OP, are incapable of connecting with anyone, so it does not matter how many women you meet, you are incapable of connecting with any of them ...because YOU have issues.

 

All I hear is you whining about how you are incapable of connecting with anyone,..including woman, wah wah.........so for the love of God, do something about it!

 

I'm not "whining", though. I've long since accepted my lot in life, that I'm a "broken" thing that doesn't really belong. When I say "negative" things about myself, it's not to complain or "whine", it's simply a matter of me presenting facts about myself.

 

I just happen to be very fascinated with people, with social behavior, with dating and intimacy, and with "normality". I want to try to understand it all, even if I can't personally experience it myself.

[mightycpa]

Two things.

 

One, the numbers game worked for me, and I had a ton of fun, even when I was out with girls who would clearly not be right for me.

 

Two, I think the difference between you and me is that I like girls (women) a lot. The only conclusion that I can draw is that a guy who is 27 who has about the same experience with girls as I did at the age of 15 and who isn't eager to fix the problem, well, it must mean that he doesn't really think it's a problem. I think you just don't like women all that much. It sounds like you'd rather not be bothered.

 

I suggest prostitutes or porn instead. Save yourself the trouble.

[Inflikted]

Two things.

 

One, the numbers game worked for me, and I had a ton of fun, even when I was out with girls who would clearly not be right for me.

 

Two, I think the difference between you and me is that I like girls (women) a lot. The only conclusion that I can draw is that a guy who is 27 who has about the same experience with girls as I did at the age of 15 and who isn't eager to fix the problem, well, it must mean that he doesn't really think it's a problem. I think you just don't like women all that much. It sounds like you'd rather not be bothered.

 

I suggest prostitutes or porn instead. Save yourself the trouble.

 

Well, again, I'm very introverted and reserved. True, I'm not as much of a "people person". But I'm still lonely.

 

As I said, I've been trying to learn how to connect and bond with people for several years now. There's not a lack of interest to improve on my part, there's simply several years worth of inability to make progress that makes me feel very frustrated and hopeless.

[katiegrl]

I've tried it. I didn't care for it and I wasn't absorbing anything from it.

 

I'm not "whining", though.

 

Then try again....with a different therapist. Sometimes it takes seeing a few to find the right one for you.... who can help you.

 

I am in therapy myself and it has helped me tremendously. I also had to see a few before finding the right one.

 

I sought therapy because I recognize I have issues that need resolving and I don't wish to go through life with unresolved issues that were preventing me from being truly happy, with myself and any partner I become involved with.

 

And perhaps you don't think you are whining, but to an outside observer.... you are. If you were taking steps to resolve your issues, obviously I would be more forgiving....but you're not doing that....and it's difficult to find respect for people who continue to wallow in self-pity without taking steps to resolve.

 

JMO.

 

Good luck though... I DO hope you find peace someday.

[Inflikted]

Then try again....with a different therapist. Sometimes it takes seeing a few to find the right one for you.... who can help you.

 

I am in therapy myself and it has helped me tremendously. I also had to see a few before finding the right one.

 

I sought therapy because I recognize I have issues that need resolving and I don't wish to go through life with unresolved issues that were preventing me from being truly happy, with myself and any partner I become involved with.

 

And perhaps you don't think you are whining, but to an outside observer.... you are. If you were taking steps to resolve your issues, obviously I would be more forgiving....but you're not doing that....and it's difficult to find respect for people who continue to wallow in self-pity without taking steps to resolve.

 

JMO.

 

Good luck though... I DO hope you find peace someday.

 

I'm not knocking therapy, or anything. It works for some people, but surely, there are people it doesn't work for.

 

I just don't feel like it's what I need. I don't feel it's the right fit for me. I'm not unwilling to "do work" or "put in effort". I just don't know what the right thing for myself is, and I don't know that I'll ever figure it out. Honestly, I don't think I can be " fixed" or anything like that. I'm too messed up, too broken.

 

But again, my intention here is simply to try to better understand something that I can't experience myself.

[lolablue17]

I think you're under tons of Impedances which have made you creating so many theories about everything in the world, and also have made you to be very judging in your attitude, just to bypass your fears.

 

You mix between the beginning and the outcome. You're yearning to have certainty from the beginning to surely know how things will turn out as result. You forget that the result depends on you too. It is your responsibility to make the outcome to be great.

 

A girl is not a shirt that you can know in advance if it fits to you. A girl is a human been, who you can go through a long meaningful adventure with her, while both of you create your relationship together. There is no result you can expect, only to have good communication.

 

Communication is one of the things you're not so good at, that's why you're so afraid. during your relationship, Your feelings develop and grow according to the building you shape with her. It's not a building she should bring from home to make you being satisfied.

 

Take is as a fact - You cannot know what's undersurface if you stand outside trying to measure her. You must jump, swim and dive under water. The world you meet underwater is the world you create. It doesn't come ready. you have to shape it with her together.

[Inflikted]

I think you're under tons of Impedances which have made you creating so many theories about everything in the world, and also have made you to be very judging in your attitude, just to bypass your fears.

 

You mix between the beginning and the outcome. You're yearning to have certainty from the beginning to surely know how things will turn out as result. You forget that the result depends on you too. It is your responsibility to make the outcome to be great.

 

A girl is not a shirt that you can know in advance if it fits to you. A girl is a human been, who you can go through a long meaningful adventure with her, while both of you create your relationship together. There is no result you can expect, only to have good communication.

 

Communication is one of the things you're not so good at, that's why you're so afraid. during your relationship, Your feelings develop and grow according to the building you shape with her. It's not a building she should bring from home to make you being satisfied.

 

Take is as a fact - You cannot know what's undersurface if you stand outside trying to measure her. You must jump, swim and dive under water. The world you meet underwater is the world you create. It doesn't come ready. you have to shape it with her together.

 

I understand that it's not realistic to immediately have amazing chemistry with someone and to date them and live happily ever after. I understand that dating is a process and that solid relationships take time and effort to develop.

 

The thing is, for me, I can't ever really even get started, because I'm just never really attracted to anyone around me. My sense of attraction doesn't work the same way as a "normal" person's. Like I said, a normal guy could go somewhere, and point out at least a couple of different girls they're attracted to, even if only based on something as superficial as looks. I don't operate that way.

 

The one time I was attracted to someone, I didn't even start thinking about her that way until I'd known her for over a year. It's like I'm just not "wired" the same way most people are. I need to see "something" in someone before I know I'd even want to go on a date with them, but at this point, I'm not even sure what, exactly, that "something" is, just that I practically never see it.