chrissy75 Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 My husband and i have been together for 8 years married almost 5. we have had plenty of trial and tribulations anywhere from numerous emotional affairs and at least one sexual. he constantly would like inappropriate photos or he would post on dating sites or put ads up for sex on craigslist. I do not think he really ever met up with anyone but believe he would want to and lives in a fantasy land that the grass is greener on the other side. I lack tremendously in self confidence due to everything that has ocurred. we have 3 children together ages 4, 1 1/2 and a 2 month old. he is away right now over seas and enjoys life with friends and partying which is completely understandable for a 23 year old with family responsibilities. He is moving to a different state in 6 months without us and will commute every other week to see the kids because he made it clear that he loves me but doesnt think he is in love with me and thinks i bring him down and we have nothing in common. to me its we have a lot on our plate with a lot of bad choices and self esteem issues. he currently only calls when to talk to the kids. we did get in a tiff over text the other day but i made sure i held my composure and explained that i did not have any attitude with my text i had sent earlier that day (anything i say basically gets perceived as i am being out of line or rude- even if i say I'm here for you as a friend and I'm praying for you to find happiness. still comes back as i am being disrespectful when I'm being genuine) anyways after i held composure we exchanged texts for about a consistent 30 minutes with good and positive vibes and with emojis signaling laughing or that it was all light hearted and nice. he opened his xmas gifts from the kids over FaceTime so he could have them included in the gifts "they" bought for him. He sent me a text after saying thank you for the gifts you really didn't have to do that i appreciate it. i texted back positive and said of course i did its christmas time and regardless i wouldn't have it any other way and that the kids enjoyed helping me get the gifts together and packed up to ship to you. after that no response. not sure if my relationship is going to heal or if he didn't respond because he wants the distance or is confused in everything. is he just being cordial with me and respectful or am i overthinking that just a couple positive interactions means we are looking hopeful even with all of the toxic situations that have happened to us and between us. I'm doing my best to be positive to him and to also seem like i am moving forward even though it is extremely tough. i want to get a chance with our marriage and I'm not sure how to go about that without telling him at all because it will look like begging or that i am still hooked so he can play mind games if he wanted too. I do believe our age is extremely young and that is already enough in itself and to add 3 kids into that and usually never being around family due to military life is stressful so i always have hope but lately it has felt more hopeless than hopeful. suggestions please. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 we have had plenty of trial and tribulations anywhere from numerous emotional affairs and at least one sexual. he constantly would like inappropriate photos or he would post on dating sites or put ads up for sex on craigslist. I do not think he really ever met up with anyone but believe he would want to and lives in a fantasy land that the grass is greener on the other side. ... suggestions please. Divorce him. Why on earth would you be so accepting of him treating you this badly? And now he is living apart from you, he can get away with whatever he likes, and you'll never know. Divorce him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissy75 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 Divorce him. Why on earth would you be so accepting of him treating you this badly? And now he is living apart from you, he can get away with whatever he likes, and you'll never know. Divorce him. well i knew when we would got married at 19 the likely hood of infidelity was high and was more than lily to occur. i was not okay but accepting of it and it did happen. I just thought more of casually it would happen not me reading things that i wish i never saw. that is what has damaged me more so than the actual cheating what i have read him say to someone else. that person hasn't been in our lives for 3 years now but it does clearly still trouble me and with everything else have me have trouble believing what he says. I just hate that it seems like he has control on calling the shots and i have no say and i haven't done anything remotely to what he has done. so i guess I'm having trouble accepting that i shouldn't stay with him? but i do really feel he would be a great man at his maturity level. lets face it that probably isn't till 30 or 35 and was not thinking that long. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Why are you making excuses for him? He treats you like rubbish and here you are saying what a great guy he will be at 30. WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chrissy75 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 Why are you making excuses for him? He treats you like rubbish and here you are saying what a great guy he will be at 30. WTF? because i think that he has a lot of personal problems even things that stem from his past. i don't think he realizes it but i feel like as a partner you stick it out and try to be there for someone in their struggles even if they haven't realized what those are. I just think that giving up because someone is not right in their path but can be as long as they work towards that and give them time to realize how they are self destructing themselves. I just have a hard time making a choice if its better for him to do that alone or for me to be there for him. i want to be there and be someone he will confide to but i struggle with thinking that the journey he needs to take is beyond me and my support and needs to do that alone. I mean how many guys that get married at 19 do you think really can stay faithful and be fulfilled with so many things working agaisnt that? i don't think many whatsoever. I married him for who he is and how i see him in the future and the great success he will reach and become. i wanted to be there in that journey in his life. i just really did not think i would be facing so many hurtful things so fast and how they came about. my flaw was thinking i could mentally prepare myself prior to circumstances happening but there is no way you can ever mentally or emotionally prepare for that and i did take on more than i could handle but to me it doesn't mean you give up. everyone my generation thinks everything should come easy or be given to them. my husband has this mentality as well even though he is a hard worker. I am not like that at all so his strength to want to push through the marriage is not as strong as mine is. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I mean how many guys that get married at 19 do you think really can stay faithful Well, I would say quite a lot. But what does it matter? If you're married to one of the ones who can't stay faithful, then you divorce them. When did that get so complicated? I married him for who he is and how i see him in the future and the great success he will reach and become. Who he is? A cheater. Who he is in the future? A cheater. Why do you think that how you see him in the future, is the same as how he sees himself?? Marrying or remaining married to someone for who they may or may not be at some unspecified point in the future, is complete foolishness. To be honest I'm not sure why you're asking for advice if you're going to fight so hard against it. OK, well next move is up to you I guess. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
cupcakebunny Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 This is not going to work. I know the decision to leave is a lot harder with kids, but no. He won't change though. I dated a guy from when I was 18 until I was 28(almost 29). We lived together for 5 years. Before he was even living together he was awful. One time we got into a fight while I was driving on a highway. I started to cry. You know what he did? He started videotaping me crying and mocking me and laughing at me. I sobbed harder until I found a place to safely pull over to just stop. After about 10 min. he felt bad and stopped. I had to actually scream at him to delete it. I stayed with him for 6 more years through similar crap various abuse -- some of it physical until I realized nothing was going to change this person. Not the job he got. Not the stable finances. Not the nice things. Not the trips we took. Not the gifts I bought. Nothing was going to change because he blamed EVERYTHING on me. Literally everything. He was not self-reflective in the slightest. 30 years will not change this person. It's just 30 years of entrenched bad behaviors and selfishness. He will not stop this until he sits down and says "I suck. And I need counseling for my personal emotional problems". He's clearly not there and you should not wait for him to get there as he may NEVER get there. This is a person you should be cutting out to the bare minimum i.e. only what he is already doing to be with his kids. Other than that, he's not worth it. I would let him go. Be with your kids. Your other friends. And file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I am not like that at all so his strength to want to push through the marriage is not as strong as mine is. chrissy, you make some good points about the commitment and bond of marriage. That's what marriage is. Here's what marriage isn't - - license to cheat on you numerous times with multiple women - permission to abandon you and his children - mandate to stop supporting you financially - ticket to walk away You can't wait for your H to become a "good" man (however unlikely that might be), you've got kids to raise now. How does his 15 minutes of Facetime compare to your current obligation to take care of your little ones? Regardless of the state of your marriage, no real man would run away as your husband has done. Stop excusing, enabling and glorifying him until he prove he's worth any of your respect and affection. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Foaminitin88 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Im new to this and kind of like giving my two cents and receiving others. On this topic though as a man if he was able to step around the obligation of marriage and have sex with these women there is no way only you will ever satisfy him sexually again even if you are everything he needs in support and emotional connection. If hes cranking with these horrendous girls on craigslist he is too far gone. I have multiple friends that dont mind buying it and they cannot have a commited relationship because its too easy to step out and its almost like an addiction he probably is trying not to hurt you further by leaving would you want him to be unfaithful he may be alot of things but he did the right thing calling a spade a spade that he cant be the man you need him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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