Suggestions for confronting a friend with a problem

[simplicity1]

I've had a really awesome friend in my life the past year, a best buddy. but we've gotten into big problems over her degree of anxiety over her work that causes her to feel like she has no time ever to hang out, making outlandish statements like "I have zero time to hang out for one month".

 

the strange thing is she is in active, daily contact with me over text, regularly looking to me for advice and emotional support and willing to provide the same. but my most recent frustration is that ANY time I ask to hang out in person, she either declines, or else we enter this incredibly frustrating process of me trying to pull even 1 hour of time from her.

 

Our friendship was originally built around this idea of having novel experiences and adventures together and I CANT STAND the constant rejection of even simple hangouts, and the total lack of enthusiasm to initiate even brief hangouts, as though its a chore for her in order to appease me, even though we spend 12 hours a day in the SAME BUILDING.

 

Even now that her work has ended, she /still/ is anxious over her lack of time, citing how busy she is packing for the holidays but then still talking to me over chat in depth about otehr things.

 

I'm going to address this frustration with her tomorrow in person. I'm looking for advice on how to present it in order to avoid her getting angry and defensive. She is fierce with a stiff backbone. I'm always the one to crack and try to mend or make plans even when rationally I think I should do otherwise.

 

We've actually had huge fights about this in the past and I resolved to be more patient while she resolved to not let her frustrations build, but im reaching the end of my patience. Patience implies a finite period of time, and this pulling teeth to get any time together seems to go on for months. I seriously don't think I'm being clingy to want my friend to show more enthusiasm for hanging out. A BIG part of me thinks I need to actually create more distance between us, or friend-breakup, because these sorts of issues make her a toxic and mind-consuming friend for me to have so close. Another part of me thinks I should continue working at it and keep expressing my feelings directly.

Edited December 21, 2015 by simplicity1

[basil67]

It sounds to me like she's the kind of person who doesn't actually WANT to hang out. You can discuss this all you want, but if she was going to change, she would have done so after one of the previous times you've fought over this.

 

It's time to accept her for who she is. Or end the friendship citing the fact that it's not meeting your needs.

[whichwayisup]

Instead of 'confronting' her and getting angry, talk to her calmly and let her know it hurts your feelings that she can't spend any time with you - to just go to dinner or hang out for an hour or two. Attacking her will get her back up and put her on the defensive. Instead of fighting about it, have an honest and respectful conversation. Maybe the end result will involve some compromises on both sides.

[privategal]

I've had a really awesome friend in my life the past year, a best buddy. but we've gotten into big problems over her degree of anxiety over her work that causes her to feel like she has no time ever to hang out, making outlandish statements like "I have zero time to hang out for one month".

 

the strange thing is she is in active, daily contact with me over text, regularly looking to me for advice and emotional support and willing to provide the same. but my most recent frustration is that ANY time I ask to hang out in person, she either declines, or else we enter this incredibly frustrating process of me trying to pull even 1 hour of time from her.

 

Our friendship was originally built around this idea of having novel experiences and adventures together and I CANT STAND the constant rejection of even simple hangouts, and the total lack of enthusiasm to initiate even brief hangouts, as though its a chore for her in order to appease me, even though we spend 12 hours a day in the SAME BUILDING.

 

Even now that her work has ended, she /still/ is anxious over her lack of time, citing how busy she is packing for the holidays but then still talking to me over chat in depth about otehr things.

 

I'm going to address this frustration with her tomorrow in person. I'm looking for advice on how to present it in order to avoid her getting angry and defensive. She is fierce with a stiff backbone. I'm always the one to crack and try to mend or make plans even when rationally I think I should do otherwise.

 

We've actually had huge fights about this in the past and I resolved to be more patient while she resolved to not let her frustrations build, but im reaching the end of my patience. Patience implies a finite period of time, and this pulling teeth to get any time together seems to go on for months. I seriously don't think I'm being clingy to want my friend to show more enthusiasm for hanging out. A BIG part of me thinks I need to actually create more distance between us, or friend-breakup, because these sorts of issues make her a toxic and mind-consuming friend for me to have so close. Another part of me thinks I should continue working at it and keep expressing my feelings directly.

 

 

In a strange way this might be boosting your friends ego for you to continue to demonstrate how much you want to spend time with her.

She may like the drama of the fighting about it and inadvertently decline requests to have a few sparks of excitement?

There are people who can tend to thrive on it.

If this doesn't fit her description then it was just a guess but the more important point it, Don't you have other friends?

Because I have to wonder why youd like to beg a friend to hang out or spend time with you?

Id not want that person in my life.

Maybe if she knows she has lost you she will learn from that as the saying goes in order to have a friend you must be a friend.

Id stop texting, calling, emailing all together.

Don't confront or have any more discussions about it.

You tried. Now its time to step away and move on and find adventure and fun experience with your other friends.

[preraph]

I got to say it doesn't sound to me like she really wants to hang out with you.

[simplicity1]

thanks so much for the replies.

 

The extra piece of information is that she hasn't made time for anyone in the last few months because of her work. In our recent conversation, she noted that "you're the only one I've kept making time for and I do enjoy it. I have barely seen [other friend of ours] in months"

 

So personally I think this is less a question about whether she wants to spend time with me or not and more a question of how she prioritizes work relative to people.

 

She also commented on how i don't seem to "count" time spent in a larger group of friends as the two of us hanging out together, whereas she does.

 

I hope I didn't come on too strongly in our talk. In retrospect I could have done a better job listening to her responses and finding ways for me to compromise too. The end result that she said "I can make more time for us to hang out in the new year" and I said "alright! That's all then".

 

But ever since then our nearly constant chatting has come to a screeching halt so I'm worried she might feel weird about the whole thing or have second thoughts. We've now both gone home for the holidays.

 

Honestly, I think the biggest issue right now is how much I dwell uncontrollably on this. I'm attached enough that I replay moments from our conversation over and over and over in my head and for days have not been able to focus anywhere, wondering if our chatting is a thing of the past. I can barely get myself to work. This seems more my problem than hers, but I feel utterly trapped in the thought patterns with no escape

[preraph]

She isn't trying to do one-on-one time because she feels she doesn't have time for that and is trying to see you guys all at once. I have a friend who used to disappoint me doing that sort of thing, so I get it. You really can't visit and catch up with a lot of other ears listening. But that's what she wants to do with her time and haranguing her about it isn't going to help.

[Tayla]

simplicity , good for you in placing things in fair perspective. Sorry that some are projecting.

 

I think you are being honest and concerned with your friendship. Since you acknowledge that her busy time has interceded to some level with quality time, may I suggest a small ten minute stop the clock! Sometimes we just need that breather from our mind jumping to conclusions. Offer a ten minute timeout in your friendship , say, hey! lets take a ten minute walk and simply enjoy the quietness of our friendship. Then do it! Its those simple gestures and quiet times that can ease the tension.

[simplicity1]

right now we're away from each other for two weeks and our previously daily chatting over text has come to a COMPLETE halt I had told her that our very frequent texting was putting pressure on me since I was worried that the it was becoming a replacement for in person time, but I never meant for my comments to cause us to stop talking entirely

 

can't get my mind off of this. dwelling uncontrollably in spirals.

wondering if she's given up on me, or if she thinks I'm giving up on her, or if we'll ever chat normally over text again. I know how capable she is of pushing emotions aside and doing other things with her life.

 

Our last text was a few hours after our bigger conversation when I sent her a photo of me using a gift she gave me and thanked her again. she responded with a smiley face, and then not a word for the last 3 days.

 

I feel like the ball is in her court to start up a convo, but on the other hand maybe she thinks I meant I didn't want to chat at all? UGH.

[preraph]

Don't start making it your own fault. She has been pretty clear she doesn't have time and I'm sure she knows you're unhappy about it already, but this is what she's doing. I suggest you stop focusing on her entirely and just see what she does. You'll only alienate her by pressuring for more time. She doesn't want it, at least not now.

[sparkle222]

haha. i know a lot of people like this (and even am a bit myself).

 

i agree that she probably doesn't mean it personally--she probably sets herself high standards in work, has no sense of work-life balance (hence the blanket statements) but because she needs socialising and enjoys your company she'll end up texting you anyway. however, she'll reject in-person hang-outs because it probably makes her feel like she's staying 100pc focused on her work (even if she's wasting just as much time texting). it also sounds like you're a guy (?) so she probably doesn't see the 'point' in investing in too much one-on-one time if it's not headed towards a serious relationship. again, not personal, she's just focusing a lot on herself.

 

but if you want to confront her, just say directly that friendships are important and go two-ways, requiring effort from both parties, so she has to put in the effort to see you in person if it's to be a real one/if she is to expect your support and company in the future.

 

edit: just saw your last post--she probably feels bad for using you for 'online' company but never seeing you in person, and since she can't/won't commit to seeing you in person, has ceased the online communication to make it more 'fair'.

 

in a few weeks she might emerge from her work hole and find herself missing you. if she doesn't, her loss! this really sounds like her problem; she's got something to prove with her work, and she can put her feelings in a box to do that, even if it means losing a lot of friends along the way. you need to stop torturing yourself because it's not personal.. try to mimic her emotionless attitude, throw yourself into your work.. at worst you'll become productive and achieve a lot, at best you'll do that *and* make her wonder what on earth you're up to and why you're ignoring her.

[simplicity1]

haha. i know a lot of people like this (and even am a bit myself).

 

i agree that she probably doesn't mean it personally--she probably sets herself high standards in work, has no sense of work-life balance (hence the blanket statements) but because she needs socialising and enjoys your company she'll end up texting you anyway. however, she'll reject in-person hang-outs because it probably makes her feel like she's staying 100pc focused on her work (even if she's wasting just as much time texting).

 

thanks everyone for the replies...especially people like sparkle...it really helps to hear that you know others like this. This quote is really on point for what I think is going on.

 

it's a terribly difficult choice because intense, close friendships are so rare, but I think that whether its her fault or not I need to stop caring as much. I'm too obsessed with her every move, too prone to jealousy, her priorities are skewed relative to mine, etc.

[Wewon]

 

I'm going to address this frustration with her tomorrow in person. I'm looking for advice on how to present it in order to avoid her getting angry and defensive. She is fierce with a stiff backbone. I'm always the one to crack and try to mend or make plans even when rationally I think I should do otherwise.

 

 

This is classic. In a lot of relationships, one person tends to give more than the other and it usually is okay until one person wants to change the dynamic.

 

Personally I would simply pull back and leave it to her to reach out when she's ready. I have begged for people's time in the past and I hated myself for it.