Leah83 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Help! Before my boyfriend and I were officially going out (but still sleeping together) he slept with another girl a few times. They are still friends but she's recently moved away. He wants to go and visit her for the weekend which would mean he'd stay in her flat. I don't feel happy about this but can't make him understand, he doesn't get jealous about anything! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 I wish I could tell you something more positive, but when a guy goes out of town to shack up with a girl he used to sleep with there is little hope that its going to be 'innocent'. It would be one thing if he happened to be going there and was using her place as somewhere to crash, but if the purpose of the visit is entirely just to go see her and stay with her a few days, then that's quite another. The chances of it being an 'innocent, chaste visit' are pretty low. The chance of it staying an innocent, chaste visit are even lower. You may be able to prevent him from actually going there, but you can't change the fact that he wants to go there - so you have some choices: 1. Let him go, and look the other way - 'don't ask, don't tell'. 2. Prevent him from going, and deal with a sulky angry b/f who will probably end up going anyway. 3. Tell him that in light of the situation, you need a 'break' from this relationship to rethink why it is you want to be with a guy who wants to go shack up with a former sexual partner for a weekend. If you take option 3, understand that a 'break' is basically a dry run for a 'breakup' and you'll need to get your head and heart together to prepare yourself for that eventuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 If you two are exclusive, lay down the law. This is patently not appropriate. There are no circumstances under which staying unescorted with someone he used to date/hook up with/sleep with is acceptable. Explain that calmly, and explain that you are not prepared to continue in the relationship if this happens. And mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 You've been honest with him about your feelings in this matter and you've admitted to feeling jealous. It's not a pleasant emotion to feel, to witness or to admit to - and perhaps that's why so many people claim that they never experience it. Your boyfriend either doesn't understand your feelings about this matter, or he's pretending not to. Either way it seems inevitable that, should you decide to persevere in a relationship with Mr Free Spirit, you're going to encounter many more situations just like this one. It's relatively easy to figure out the correct course of action, but a lot less easy to actually do it. Good luck, whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by Leah83 Help! Before my boyfriend and I were officially going out (but still sleeping together) he slept with another girl a few times. They are still friends but she's recently moved away. He wants to go and visit her for the weekend which would mean he'd stay in her flat. I don't feel happy about this but can't make him understand, he doesn't get jealous about anything! You have every right to be upset over this. More than likely he plans to sleep with her. Tell him how you feel, if he still wants to go let him know its either you or her. Stay firm, if you let him do this the relationship is doomed. Even if he doesn't do it the relationship could be in trouble. He should know better than to even think this would be ok. Makes you wonder how much he cares about you and your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 3. Tell him that in light of the situation, you need a 'break' from this relationship to rethink why it is you want to be with a guy who wants to go shack up with a former sexual partner for a weekend. I'm with LB's #3. Then again, I'm a bit more self protective and less tolerant of bad boyfriend behavior than most. I wouldn't even bother to waste my precious time and energy debating relationship etiquette with some clueless numpty. Even if he were to comply with my request, it still would not provide me with any false sense of security. The fact that he even considered it would be his one-way ticket out the door. Nope. Nope. Nope. Too many GREAT guys out there to waste all your time trying to polish a turd. "NEXT!" Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO I wouldn't even bother to waste my precious time and energy debating relationship etiquette with some clueless numpty. Even if he were to comply with my request, it still would not provide me with any false sense of security. The fact that he even considered it would be his one-way ticket out the door. "NEXT!" This is the best thing I've read all day. One's SO shouldn't cancell this trip because it hurts your feelings (as an accomodation to you), he should never have gotten into it (because its just wrong), and his natural response doesn't show a lot to be secure in. Link to post Share on other sites
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