Girlfriend split because of my retroactive jealousy

[blueingreen]

My girlfriend of four months split up with me two weeks ago after being unable to deal with my retroactive jealousy.

 

A month into the relationship I reacted badly when she revealed that she had a ONS with some guy a few months ago. She also told me that he was rough with her and it was an unpleasant experience. I ruminated endlessly about what he had made her do to the point that I couldn't work and felt anxious almost 24/7 – my head was filled with horrible images all the time. Eventually, I just asked her what he had done and she told me. She resented me for making me tell her and said I didn't care about her feelings.

 

I thought finding out would solve the problem, but it didn't. Instead, I began to obsess endlessly about them having sex and went through the guy's Twitter and Facebook profiles. This culminated in me asking my girlfriend more questions, and eventually one weekend I had a breakdown in front of her.

 

I began counselling after this, which has really helped. I became completely OK with the thoughts about the ONS, to such an extent that I could think about it and not ruminate at all. However, my girlfriend was still annoyed at my having interrogated her and to some extent couldn't see my behaviour as resulting from anxiety – she even called the counsellor 'my mate' as he had previously suffered from the same condition.

 

Once I became OK with the ONS, my mind moved onto other things. One day I told my girlfriend I'd had anxiety about an innocent sexual comment she'd made, and she got angry with me. I brought it up again the next day over dinner and she dumped me and left the flat. I managed to patch things up the next day and she said she loved me and never really wanted to split up, I meant so much to her etc.

 

Things were going well for a few weeks after that, but then I started to have disturbing sexual thoughts about some another guy she'd told me about. One morning, after she'd left for work I texted her to say I was anxious, because I was panicking and needed her support. She asked if the anxiety concerned her and I said I'd had thoughts of her with the 'chav guy' she mentioned, and I was going home to my parents for a couple of days to calm down.

 

Later that day I had a counselling session, which helped alleviate the anxious thoughts I was having, but when I texted my girlfriend to tell, her she phoned me and said it was over and that she couldn't cope with all my problems. I emailed her to explain what had happened and how I was making progress but her reply was very cold and simply explained that she was completely decided, and that we should stop all contact.

 

Since then, I've texted her on a few occasions but her replies are very short and she is not willing to engage in any meaningful conversation. To compound matters, she works in my office, though we are both on a holiday for Christmas now.

 

I really don't know what to do to get her back. She can be quite dramatic and very bitter with people who disappoint her, and once told me that she never gets back with exes. Her mother, who she is very close too (as a result of her parents divorcing when she was a child), has also been very critical of me, and she has also been going through depression and stress at work – something I have tried to help her with.

 

I tried explaining that I only told her about the anxiety because I wanted her support, not to interrogate her, but she said everything before that was just too much. Every other part of our relationship – the sex, chemistry, similar interests etc – was absolutely amazing. We stayed round each others flats every other night and spoke on the phone for an hour or two every night we weren't. She knows we had something really special and we once spoke of moving in together. I want her to be part of my life

 

Any help would be appreciated!

 

Thanks!

Edited December 21, 2015 by blueingreen

[fiskadoro]

Hi,

 

Sorry but I don't think you should contact her again unless she calls you. It seems really callous and cold to expect HER to comfort YOU for some sexual trauma she experienced before you two were dating. How in the world is her experience EVER likely to be anywhere near as traumatic for you as it is for her????

 

You keep bringing it up and throwing it in her face. And you call her bitter? Come on... i have to say that based on what you have written, this is fantastically selfish on your part. If you really cared about her, you would have supported her through her feelings about that.

 

Good that you are going to therapy though. It sounds like you have some things you are working through, but it seems to be in it's infancy.

[blueingreen]

Hi,

If you really cared about her, you would have supported her through her feelings about that.

 

When she revealed details about the trauma, I was very supportive. Her mother apparently told her she should be ashamed of it but I said that was horrible and she had done nothing wrong. I also emphasised that the reasons for my ruminating about this stuff were not her fault but mine. However, although anxiety has driven me to question her, I agree with you that it was selfish. In fact, I have been experiencing immense guilt and depression as a result of my actions, which I feel have resulted in the breakup.

Edited December 21, 2015 by blueingreen

[anika99]

I think you should let your ex go and put your focus on addressing your obsessive jealousy. Your ex can't fix this for you and you are unlikely to have a healthy relationship until you get this problem under control.