!! fwb situation got the upper hand on me

[karokarol]

hi all! I am in need of some advice, and find myself in a situation where I can't really ask for an external perspective to friends and family. so I thought I'd write here. please hang on, I feel like a storm blew me out of the window.

 

i met this guy online, had a few light (very light hearted!) chats, arranged a meeting without actually knowing much about him. his presence has been strong and very playful at the outset. no intentions to seek for commitment or anything at all of that sort, it was meant as a friends-with-benefits / ****buddy sort of hook up, because of special circumstances in my life, and I felt he was on the same page, probably playing a lot of girls.

 

the chemistry is through the roof, the first few times we met (4-5) it was virtually *impossible* to stay off of each other, and that's fine. he's way more sexual and 'aggressive' than other guy I've ever been with, and the game was on. he's fun and exciting, I admire his intellect, and his wonderful body. I am confident, happy, and completely satisfied with my life, very independent. he is the same, just at a higher degree of coolness. still, to me, he immediately felt out of my league, that's how awesome he is.

 

soon in, we slept together. he did not write the next day (he is almost always the first one contacting me, but maybe every 2-3 days, and sometimes less). I was so fine with it, one morning I found myself feeling empowered and laughing at what happened with me

 

then we met again. I showed up one hour late, was happy to see him same as when you meet a good old buddy. he was not angry or upset or nothing like that. first time, hands stayed off for *hours*. we spontaneously ended up chatting for very long, about sort of personal and deep stuff, but also important professional and just fun stuff. it was wonderful, new, and I was all electric. it felt great. we went on and on talking. soon it was clear I'd stay over again. we went to bed, cuddled long, and then had great sex, and cuddled some more. we slept spooning/hugging. i have a bad cold, and he went on kissing my shoulders etc every time I'd wake up coughing etc.

 

in the morning, we hugged a little more, and got up. In a random, playful conversation, I jokingly teased him on being a girls' player, he denied in a very cute way (he has a semi-girlfriend real far away, that he's always meeting for holidays, and with whom he says there could be something in the future) and mentioned he is only seeing two people. I laughed at told him that's a pity, since he's so great. he laughed with me.

 

all good. I was very (positively) surprised by how things turned out, then left and went on with my life.

 

a few days later, I have no idea of what the **** happened. he'll be seeing his almost-girlfriend in a few days for a great holiday, and I am genuinely happy for him. yet, I find myself thinking about him and what happened much, much more than I should, and losing my sleep.

 

we exchanged a couple of messages (I initiated) and pictures, and I just feel OH SO CONNECTED. the texting has gone from the intial sexual texting (heavy jokes, pictures of boner, etc., which I told him I did not appreciate, but took with a degree of cool and no severity) to kind of.. I don't know, personal? (e.g., I sent him a picture of me as a child, waited a minute thinking what a pathetic thing to do that was. a couple minutes later, he answered with a sweet comment and a picture of himself around same age, wearing the same colors..)

 

we won't be in the same country for another couple of weeks, and I am dying.

 

I have never been like that. always been the one on the less involved side, playing it cool, and being a little more independent and distant in the pair. and I have absolutely no idea of what to do in this situation.

 

should I cool down? how do I do that?

is it time to run for life and cut it before I get my heart broken?

or what do I do???

 

please, please, tell me what you think

Edited December 21, 2015 by karokarol
spelling

[MoreAmore]

If he is not initiating becoming more than FWB I'd get out now if you have the emotions and desire for more.

 

You could be best friends with benefits and he can separate that in his head from girlfriend, and once a guy has decided that - unlike with women- you are not going to become a girlfriend.

 

You can ask him once before you go, but that's it. Do not stay where you might wait and hope... and if you have the feelings like this, no matter what you tell yourself, you will be hoping and it will be devastating when he meets another girl he wants a relationship with and ends it with you falling hard and fast with her.

 

I've seen it time and again, with my friends. One friend, the guy bought her a (used) car when she was in trouble when hers died. He really wanted to be her friend. But he didn't want a relationship. And that didn't change.

[karokarol]

thank you, amore.

 

maybe because I am poly, I am not jealous. I am actually fine with this guy dating other people, sleeping with them, etc.

but I am just concerned that he might not reciprocate my level of interest, and for this to become a very unbalanced situation.

I hate being needy and just find I can't operate at any level when feeling too dependent on someone who is not involved with me to a similar extent.. like in your friends' case with the car. poor girl

 

oh gosh. I am afraid I might really need to let this go.

[karokarol]

also, is his change from sex-only sex, to long conversation and cuddles, with sex only secondary and initiating it late late despite heavy attraction, a sign of him trying to test whether I am relatioship material vs fb only?

[scooby-philly]

Sounds like you are at a crossroads - both in terms of yourself and in terms of your "relationship" with this guy.

 

First off, do not berate yourself for getting into this situation. That's the most important thing to keep in mind. We've become so accustomed to the fictitious story about how love/relationships are supposed to work thanks to the media and the overwhelming majority of folks who just follow along blindly. You obviously needed whatever this situation has given you thus far.

 

Second, it sounds like you've opened up a bit more - and you've even started to recognize how you typically act in a given situation. That's good. Keep doing that - and keep some time to yourself on a daily or weekly basis to check what you're feeling and how you react to things. So you are getting something positive out of the experience.

 

Third, as the title of my reply states, actions speak louder - way louder - then words. I cannot and refuse to speak for other guys. But, I think I'm a typical man in many regards (and very untypical in others..) so I think what I say may help EXPLAIN only. Basically, men are doers. We're conditioned to do things. Now, some guys learn to control that, some guys never learn to do for others and only do for themselves, but we do....stuff. So if he does stuff that makes his intentions clear, then nothing will change that. If he does things (including saying things) that makes you confused to his intentions you need to clarify that.

 

I think, overall, the best course of action for YOU as the first responder said is to focus on what YOU want/need. He may say one thing and think he means it, but could do another. So the question for you is what are you willing to chance? Would you prefer to lose the opportunity to be with a great guy who you have chemistry and great sex with but fear you can never have more, or do you fear losing time and emotion more and can deal with the loss?

 

Tough call. Keep us posted.

 

I'll tell you a quick one about me. I dated a woman for a year. We met on an outdoor adventure. Great sexual chemistry and surface intimacy initially. She's hardworking, not stuck up, and very open sexually. But, we started to hit roadblocks and I ended up losing money cause I helped her run her side business and also paid for a trip back to her home country. After a year it finally took me to realize that she was independent to the point where she would continue to make decisions without me and without weighing things, she was 39 and was 40k in debt because she couldn't focus/concentrate on school and felt she had to have a degree though she wasn't a "career" type of woman. And she had a lot of anger and selfishness and immaturity that came out and any attempt to communicate or "reign her in" a little - she took as an attempt at control. She would have been a great FWB - I've learned to admit I'm a really sexual guy (and dirty too) but I made the mistake of paying for things & helping out too early and she refused to be in a FWB situation because she wanted to "appear" "normal" and have a normal life to gain approval/attention

[One_Made_of_Silver]

I don't know many girls who would be alright with being a side-chick (no offense) for a guy who already has a gf. He must be quite a man.

[karokarol]

scooby, your answer is helping a lot.

 

concerning the doing vs saying: he tried to say a couple of times that he likes me, but I did not really pick up on that until I actually started having feelings. the two times he said it, I just laughed and joked on it. now it sounds really stupid, but my brain somehow thought it had to be a joke for him to say that. I still don't know.

 

the same for his actions. the first non-sexual things we actually did together (he cooked for me, we cooked together, brainstormed on a work project of his, this sort of stuff), I sort of did not even see. he is so attractive, and the sex part came across so strong I might have ignored that in fact there were other things (motivated by romantic intentions?) happening on the side.

 

but again, I have no clue of whether a 'typical man', as you say, would do this sort of things (cooking together, inviting me to his yoga classes, show me videos from his holidays, cuddling this much, wanting me to stay over, arranging meetups days in advance, sharing childhood stories) with a girl he has only sexual interest for.

 

as said, despite my relatively 'seasoned' age, it's my first connection of this sort, and I have no clue of what I am doing and what is typical in this sort of situation. all other guys I have ever dated have always been 'on the piece', writing a lot, calling, wanting to see me more often, and monogamous. so this is a little different.

 

what do you think?

 

I once told him I am not in for drama, and not for sex only, and that I am interested in personal development by means of meeting people. he said he shares that exactly. this is consistent with his family background, as he grew up among open, very loving relationships.

 

I might be willing to take some risks and prepare for a heartbreak, if at least there are genuine signs of interest on his way. but I keep hearing the words 'once fb, there's no way he's considering you as girlfriend potential'...

[karokarol]

silver, there are two elements to consider, which I did omit for the sake of simplifying the story.

 

1. I am in a stable, long term relationship too, and my boyfriend is aware that I am dating other men, and knows everything about it

 

2. this girl lives on the opposite side of the world, and he refuses to call her his girlfriend despite saying they have had a great connection for many years. he says they might be together for real at some point, but now they are apart and fine with being 'together' for holidays only. he added she is having fun with men, and that he's fine with that and feels 'free and open to meet other people'

 

that said, he really is quite a man!!

[kitty12345]

School's out !

[karokarol]

scooby, forgot to say

 

I am at crossroads, but it's all getting more clear. I think I am the same as you. and no, I don't feel bad about having lovers.

my boyfriend (yes, I am in a serious relationship) understands my necessity to see other people at this stage of my life and is incredibly supportive of everything I need to do. that's all the approval I need, I don't care about what other people think.

and I consider myself really lucky, and keep in check that what happens is really alright for him, and it is.

 

it's bad this girl you were seeing behaved that way. was she confused, or just willing to use a contact? it sounds like overall she did not have her stuff together. it also sounds like you learned a lot from that, gentleman. i send you good vibes.

[karokarol]

School's out !

 

kitty, I think I don't get your comment (sorry, english is not my first language, and I still don't understand some expressions..)

[Glass Hut]

Great story but nobody is actually going to be able to give you advice for the situation that you're in except that you're in a situation that doesn't generally work out for most people.

[Erik30]

Sounds like someone is going to get their heart broken in the future, since you already have a boyfriend. How "nice" of him to be your back up while you're chasing this other guy

[karokarol]

Sounds like someone is going to get their heart broken in the future, since you already have a boyfriend. How "nice" of him to be your back up while you're chasing this other guy

 

Erik, I understand your remark. Probably did not come through very clear. My boyfriend is definitely not my "backup". We are a commited couple for many years, whether I date other people or not does not diminish our bond.

[karokarol]

Great story but nobody is actually going to be able to give you advice for the situation that you're in except that you're in a situation that doesn't generally work out for most people.

 

Glass Hut, you have a point here on the fact that this situation in general does not work. I feel, however, that I got some very helpful hints it's a good forum, some folks here know much more than I do!

[Glitters]

While your situation is not a norm , but here goes. You both seem to be falling for each other. Yeah, he too. But the question comes is , what are you going to do about it?

[karokarol]

While your situation is not a norm , but here goes. You both seem to be falling for each other. Yeah, he too. But the question comes is , what are you going to do about it?

 

Hey Glitters

 

I gave it some deep hard thoughts the entire afternoon and evening (in am in Europe) and spoke long with my bf. He offered me his interpretation of why I feel like I do, and I really think he nailed it. I have some trouble expressing some sides of me, and often times don't find an outlet. This new guys does, by profession (he is an artist). In a way, it was a bit inevitable that I would get attached, since I am bound to be attracted to the lifestyle this guy expresses, which I deeply want. The insane sexual attraction did the rest.

 

only realizing this, helped me cool down a bit and get more rational about what before felt like a completely unmanageable emotional knot. I feel more centered now.

 

so, what do I do about it?

I still don't know for sure.

 

that you say he also looks interested on an emotional level helps. perhaps if I can keep some rational understanding of what my feelings represent, and feel to some extent in balance (reciprocated) I think I won't freak out as much anymore.

 

the plan I have set up for myself now is to keep my phone away from my paws as much as I can, and work more on finding ways to integrate in my life the things that seem to be missing.

 

I will probably still want him, and I have no idea of how things will pan out if and when we meet again mid January, but this should keep me sane in the meantime..

Edited December 21, 2015 by karokarol

[Glitters]

FWIW, this guy is fulfilling an emotional need and a lifestyle that you deeply desire. We all have a basic need: to get a strong emotional bond with someone ( sex is always best where emotional attachment is strong!). It's being human.

 

You said you are ' seasoned ', so I guess , you are older in age. If you haven't felt like this before with anyone , so maybe it's time. We look for that one person , sometimes we do find and many times we don't. He is somehow bringing out the person you always wanted to be ? Emotional and lifestyle. If it was me , I would grab it with both hands and nurture it. Since your situation is unique in other aspects,I have no suggestion what you can do either!

 

If you both were single , of course, it would be a blessing and feel to have finally reached. Well, all I can say is do what you need to.

 

Just know, that when you have a person like this, you wouldn't want to share them, with anyone. It will drive you both nuts.

[karokarol]

Hi Glitters! you are really helping me thinking, here.

 

as basic info, I am almost 30 and he going for 40.

 

the type of bond you describe, I have with my boyfriend, but for other aspects of expression (with him, I can be 'family', and not run away, as I always did before). with this new guy, the artist, it's other needs that are met. I breathe a different life, fluid, of self-assertion as creative being. he just acts as someone who feels naturally entitled to be himself, which has often been a struggle for me. I perceive a lot of energy and a lot of mystery around him.

 

So when you say: 'I would grab it with both hands and nuture it', it makes me think..

 

I don't know if we are where you say, on the verge of a special communion. I am still unsure of my meaning in his world and his experience of me. I see stuff happening, but maybe not enough. things are intense between us, but again, how do I know this is not his 'standard life'?

 

the only comments he has given were on the great sex and saying stuff like that he likes me, or admitting he adores my perfume and goes on sniffing it on his pillows days after we last met. this guy is not writing every day, but just every few days. he's independent, and strong, and does not need me. he never asked if I am seeing other people, but assumes I do.

 

to me, all this does not sound like 'falling in love' - at least, not yet. I see no insecurity, and I don't see the vulnerabilty that most guys show when falling in love.

 

he has no rush, not sure whether because he's been spoiled with attentions in his life, or because he's just that zen. he has a relaxed attitute towards life, sits back, and let things happen. also if I look at this side-relationship he has with the other girl, all he told me about it makes it sound like he never actually tried to grab her, move to her, or make her move over.

 

in general terms, I am all different. my level of involvement spikes out of control easily on any matter and interest (hot blooded here), whether love related or not. I have a hard time sitting back waiting for stuff to happen, and I usually make things happen, but with love, I never really take the initiative (spoiled, and I partly believe man need to do the chase, otherwise they feel trapped).

 

maybe my experience is biased, but what I have always seen is that a guy who is deeply interested leaves no doubts on whether he's hunting you or not, and rushes to offer himself.

 

I guess a large chunk of the uncertaintly I feel now is connected to the fact that I feel like I am 'on the other side', feeling like i'm the most involved

[Glitters]

I would grab this person, seriously ! Don't tell about him to your friends or they might pounce on him.

He could be good at hiding his emotions and feelings as his actions , even though small, are not what standard fwb would do. Maybe he wants more from you to come out ? You both have different attitudes towards life, that could be the force bringing you together. It can be a good match as it brings different perspectives to the same thing and you do things in a different way with different results from what one is used to. If it makes sense. He could be holding back as he assumes you are seeing other people? He could be feeling like you are but doesn't want to mess up if you are not available?

 

There is always one person who is slightly more into a relationship than the other in the beginning but eventually it evens out, if it's meant to be. Just know that my perspective is coming from a singles pov and have no clue how it would work in your case. Maybe he wants a complete you , not shared and is holding back ?

 

Maybe if you open up to him, it would encourage him to open up as well ? From your posts , I get that you are falling for him! He could be, but maybe needs some something from you to come out.

 

But again, I'm not sure how it fits your situation.

 

Eta I guess since you are poly and he may not even have a gf that he claims , he is guarding himself. But his actions give it away. If he is not willing to share you then I'm afraid, it won't go anywhere than where it is. It's not his fault though !

Edited December 22, 2015 by Glitters

[kitty12345]

If this is for real , then this guy knows himself well enough , is confident in what he has to offer and will , in the right circumstances. I doubt he will, with you

[karokarol]

If this is for real , then this guy knows himself well enough , is confident in what he has to offer and will , in the right circumstances. I doubt he will, with you

 

kitty, if you keep raising your brows they will fly off of your head. of course this is for real.

[karokarol]

I would grab this person, seriously ! Don't tell about him to your friends or they might pounce on him.

He could be good at hiding his emotions and feelings as his actions , even though small, are not what standard fwb would do. Maybe he wants more from you to come out ? You both have different attitudes towards life, that could be the force bringing you together. It can be a good match as it brings different perspectives to the same thing and you do things in a different way with different results from what one is used to. If it makes sense. He could be holding back as he assumes you are seeing other people? He could be feeling like you are but doesn't want to mess up if you are not available?

 

There is always one person who is slightly more into a relationship than the other in the beginning but eventually it evens out, if it's meant to be. Just know that my perspective is coming from a singles pov and have no clue how it would work in your case. Maybe he wants a complete you , not shared and is holding back ?

 

Maybe if you open up to him, it would encourage him to open up as well ? From your posts , I get that you are falling for him! He could be, but maybe needs some something from you to come out.

 

But again, I'm not sure how it fits your situation.

 

Eta I guess since you are poly and he may not even have a gf that he claims , he is guarding himself. But his actions give it away. If he is not willing to share you then I'm afraid, it won't go anywhere than where it is. It's not his fault though !

 

Glitter, so much to think about. I will rest on this overnight, stay alert to signals, and see if I get to the stage I actually want to open up with him.. again, thank you so much for your input, you gave me quite some scenarios here.