sabrinaLo Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since 3 years and a half now. I love him and he says he loves me too. When we first got together, that was the best thing that happened to both of us. I was 28 back then and truly believed this would never end or get boring. 3 years after things are not as exciting and I suppose this happens to every relationship. I still love him a lot but there is something in him that worries me a lot and is making me have doubts on our future together. These are all non-serious details and I keep asking myself whether I am asking too much from him and our relationship. He is currently having problems with his current job (looking for a new job since a year already) and this may be the cause. His search has not been very successful...but also because he is really choosy and always finds a reason for not applying in certain positions. Until now he has applied in 2-3 places only. Nevertheless, I feel like he is pretty qualified for many others and could easily get a job if he wants to but he is instead making this more complicated than it is. In the meanwhile, I have noticed a few things in our relationship that I do not consider healthy and I would like to change as for example: - We never go to sleep or wake up together. He has his own schedule, I have mine. I hate this and have not been able to change it. His excuse is that I go to sleep early (11 or 12 pm) and he can't sleep that early (maybe insomnia, not sure...) - Because of his current remote job he does not have any social circle apart from my friends. I try to integrate him in my own social circle because I am afraid he gets isolated. - I feel like he is not sexually interested in me anymore. Not sure about this again, we have sex once a week (best case) and there have been times when it was only once a month. Usually I initiate it. He is interested when this happens but then he doesn't really start by himself which makes me feel unwanted. I also have the feeling he doesn't look at me as a woman but rather as a good friend (I may be wrong, he doesn't agree with this). - We do not do many things together. Every time i ask him to do some sport or activity on a regular basis, he does not commit. The main reason for him is the money issue although there are so many things one can do without spending much. - Speaking about the money issue, he's having a difficult time. I am supporting as much as I can. In the last 2 years I have paid all the rent, bills, most of the entertainment and such but he obviously feels bad about it. Then I wonder, if it bothers him so much, why doesn't he try harder? Applying in two places in a whole year is really not that much. However, I don't bring this up very often cause I do not want to hurt him. I also feel responsible for this, because he moved out of his own country for me and he is not integrating very well. I have really tried to help: with the job search, with the preparation, with moral support but I feel exhausted from time to time. I am also having problems with my life, my studies but I don't talk much about it. Then I also want to have the small little romance things that we had at the beginning but they just do not happen naturally anymore. What am I doing wrong? Am I really asking too much? Should I just accept that such is life and lower my expectations? In the end, life is supposed to become harder and not easier. Prior to meeting my boyfriend I really didn't have many expectations on love and happiness. I was mostly focused on work and study but then he came made me happy (even if for a little while) and I kind of miss that. Now I feel like I cannot go back and be the previous person again. Was I fooled by the first year relationship excitement? The most weird thing is that he is fine with our relationship. There is nothing that bothers him. I have talked to him about all the aforementioned issues. His reaction on the conversation changes on the day: sometimes he denies the problem, sometimes he says he is sorry and other times he becomes aggressive and defensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 The sleep schedule isn't really an issue, he sleeps when he needs to sleep and that's that. Why would you want him lying next to you tossing and turning and bored anyway? I knew a woman many years ago who insisted her boyfriend go to bed when she did and it was very infantilising and embarrassing to watch. The other things are the big issue I think. This guy's get up and go got up and went. He sounds like he's had a big adjustment and isn't integrating well but is he actually unhappy with the status quo or is it just you? If he's not bothered then it's really up to you to decide if you can continue with things the way they are. He doesn't seem motivated to change so you may have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 What I find most concerning is that he moved to you from another country and now for 2 years you have basically supported him while he does nothing but make excuses as to why he can't apply for better jobs. He probably cares for you as a friend and roommate but it doesn't sound as though he is romantically interested in you, however he gives into sex when you initiate and says the right things to appease you when you discuss your concerns because he knows he has to do those things to stay on his free gravy train. If you put your foot down and told him that by a certain date you expect him to start paying half of all of the expenses he would probably just dump you and move out because the only thing keeping him there is the free ride you are giving him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 - Speaking about the money issue, he's having a difficult time. I am supporting as much as I can. In the last 2 years I have paid all the rent, bills, most of the entertainment and such but he obviously feels bad about it. Then I wonder, if it bothers him so much, why doesn't he try harder? Applying in two places in a whole year is really not that much. However, I don't bring this up very often cause I do not want to hurt him. I also feel responsible for this, because he moved out of his own country for me and he is not integrating very well. If he has a "current job", why isn't he contributing a share towards your joint living expenses? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sabrinaLo Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 I am really not sure Anika. I could stop supporting him and if he does not find a job in the next 6 months, he really would have to leave the country and I am not strong enough to let him go. I have asked him regarding his romantic towards me and he says that he is stressed. Recently he has been feeling really guilty about this and keeps saying that he is stupid and good for nothing. I don't want him to fall in depression . I guess I will wait until spring, he seems to be more awake than usual (probably the effect of new year's resolutions...). Thanks a lot for the answer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sabrinaLo Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 If he has a "current job", why isn't he contributing a share towards your joint living expenses? Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky yours is a very good point...I've certainly been too tolerant on this. If I would always ask for a fair share he would have found a proper job much earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
LydiaLong Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Sounds like quite a few red flags. You deserve someone with whom you are more compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I am really not sure Anika. I could stop supporting him and if he does not find a job in the next 6 months, he really would have to leave the country and I am not strong enough to let him go. I have asked him regarding his romantic towards me and he says that he is stressed. Recently he has been feeling really guilty about this and keeps saying that he is stupid and good for nothing. I don't want him to fall in depression . I guess I will wait until spring, he seems to be more awake than usual (probably the effect of new year's resolutions...). Thanks a lot for the answer! It sounds as if he suffers from seasonal affective disorder. I know I do. It's a long winter, and things look bleak. Exercise helps, as do meds in some instances. But it's not your job to pull him up by his own bootstraps. Start laying out some expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts