Trouble with low self esteem and Aspergers?

[Stuckdude]

I am 19 and I've never been involved in a real relationship and would like to have one. But I am really struggling with low self esteem about my current situation and lifestyle, and would be grateful to have other people's opinions on what I'm going to say, a survey essentially. Any help appreciated.

 

As title says I am diagnosed with mild aspergers, or high functioning autism. And this has affected my life negatively in many ways. But I feel it has really impacted my life the worst socially and having friends, something further than being shy or an introvert. Things just don't come to me naturally and I find it difficult to be in prolonged contact with people and spend most of my life in my room, working on music which is a big passion for me.

I also struggle with social cues sometimes like what things are appropriate to say in a situation, or certain social conventions which are expected. And I avoid physical contact with people and don't initiate it.

 

I am very self conscious and the thought of just going up to someone I don't know (men or women) is anxiety provoking. So I recently thought about trying online dating. But I don't have confidence to because of how unhappy I feel about myself and feel I would be a burden to somebody else and they would not want to date me.

This is mainly due to my aspergers traits and my obsessive lifestyle (they could think I don't care about them avoiding eye contact, lack of comfort, physical touch) but also my dreadful eczema (I'm constantly scratching) and think no one wants to be with someone who's shedding their skin all the time.

I'm also self conscious that I don't drive and I don't have a job (both are like symbols of independence and I struggled at these things because of my aspergers) and because of my social life (I barely have any friends and think I will come across as some creepy guy who dosen't have a healthy social circle) and that I'm more a mouse than man.

 

I would really like to have a relationship but these beliefs are strongly bothering me and feel I can't be in one until I fix these things. I am sure I would feel much happier in my life with someone I could care about but I can't shake off these beliefs.

 

 

So now I ask for advice or reassurance if possible. How can I feel better about myself to have confidence to try out dating and meet like minded women? I constantly think to myself no one would accept me for the way I am or not be accepting of my aspergers, because I feel it would be a big burden to them. Same with the job and car aspect, I feel I am not important enough to be in a relationship if I don't have a income or be able to take someone somewhere without sitting on the bus, for example.

 

Thanks!

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I am 19 and I've never been involved in a real relationship and would like to have one. But I am really struggling with low self esteem about my current situation and lifestyle, and would be grateful to have other people's opinions on what I'm going to say, a survey essentially. Any help appreciated.

 

As title says I am diagnosed with mild aspergers, or high functioning autism. And this has affected my life negatively in many ways. But I feel it has really impacted my life the worst socially and having friends, something further than being shy or an introvert. Things just don't come to me naturally and I find it difficult to be in prolonged contact with people and spend most of my life in my room, working on music which is a big passion for me.

I also struggle with social cues sometimes like what things are appropriate to say in a situation, or certain social conventions which are expected. And I avoid physical contact with people and don't initiate it.

 

I am very self conscious and the thought of just going up to someone I don't know (men or women) is anxiety provoking. So I recently thought about trying online dating. But I don't have confidence to because of how unhappy I feel about myself and feel I would be a burden to somebody else and they would not want to date me.

This is mainly due to my aspergers traits and my obsessive lifestyle (they could think I don't care about them avoiding eye contact, lack of comfort, physical touch) but also my dreadful eczema (I'm constantly scratching) and think no one wants to be with someone who's shedding their skin all the time.

I'm also self conscious that I don't drive and I don't have a job (both are like symbols of independence and I struggled at these things because of my aspergers) and because of my social life (I barely have any friends and think I will come across as some creepy guy who dosen't have a healthy social circle) and that I'm more a mouse than man.

 

I would really like to have a relationship but these beliefs are strongly bothering me and feel I can't be in one until I fix these things. I am sure I would feel much happier in my life with someone I could care about but I can't shake off these beliefs.

 

 

So now I ask for advice or reassurance if possible. How can I feel better about myself to have confidence to try out dating and meet like minded women? I constantly think to myself no one would accept me for the way I am or not be accepting of my aspergers, because I feel it would be a big burden to them. Same with the job and car aspect, I feel I am not important enough to be in a relationship if I don't have a income or be able to take someone somewhere without sitting on the bus, for example.

 

Thanks!

 

Let me try, but this requires an open mind,

With high functioning autism, you're like a gold mine,

It isn't a curse, you are freed of petty social taboos,

Because of this, people with often get the real version of 'you'.

 

Your low self esteem is a figment of your imagination,

It is a limit imposed upon yourself from a societies' indetermination,

In fact, let me say, that I'm jealous of you,

For your situation is a gift, not a curse, just change your point of view.

 

Once you shed the constant comparing yourself to others,

You'll be freed of your own "limitations", you'll allow yourself not to smother,

Having Aspergers also generally means you have more access to your brain,

you'll be able to things with incredible ease that most people feel is insane!

 

Your own self esteem is based on your comparison to other guys,

For some reason you feel less compared to them when offered as a prize,

Shed this way of thinking, open your eyes my man!

You are more of a superhero than others; When faced with adversity, you must stand!

 

You must find a purpose, put your brain to good use,

Find something you're passionate about, then cherish without abuse,

Go forth in the world with a new glasses on, you'll see,

You're far more of a man than you're currently pretending to be.

[spiderowl]

I am sure that a young guy with Asperger's will have some unusual talents and abilities that the rest of us can only admire. I do know (from a family member) that socialising does not necessarily come naturally though. I don't know if you have any problems with doing any of the normal socialising things - groups, eating out, drinking, dancing. If you do, then unless it is something overwhelming which affects every aspect of your social life, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

 

With regard to getting to know people and becoming closer, these are skills that some people have instinctively and others have to learn. I know some people with Asperger's avoid eye contact. If you have a group of friends and they know you fairly well, would you be willing to share with them that you are an Aspie? People can be surprisingly understanding. If you also shared with them that you'd like to meet someone special and need some tips on socialising, you may get some wonderful suggestions.

 

If sharing with friends does not seem an option for you, then I would think it well worth while reading up on the social skills necessary, watching videos on Youtube about this too, and treating it as a skill you learn and practice rather than a failure in yourself in any way. I am sure you could learn social skills and excel with them, as you probably do in other fields. If you know you find eye contact difficult or physical contact, then consider seeing a therapist to help you to de-sensitise yourself a bit to this. I know you are ultra-sensitive and that that is the problem, but there are still steps you can take to reduce your tendency to avoid things.

 

Don't think that just because you are an Aspie that you are incapable of learning social skills. Most people just learn instinctively, but a person who studies the field and practices getting to know people and becoming good friends with them, may well learn better ultimately. Good luck!