Update. I was married to a stranger.

[Faldve]

A little background before I get to my questions; I'm 23 married to my husband that I've been with since the age of 14. We have two young children together.

 

I don't love this man. He's very emotionally abusive. He knows I don't want to be married to him. The only reason I am still married to him is because of our children and his ability to afford a good lawyer and his influence on people in our town. He refuses to have equal parenting time and he has proof of me cheating and of my history with depression. I know I've been a terrible wife. I've made a lot of bad choices. I do feel guilt for the things I've done and I pretty much am overwhelmed by guilt. I love my children and just want to coparent with my husband.

 

I cheated on him in June with a man I have slept with a few times before. A day after this my husband raped me. He doesn't consider it rape, however, I do because I woke up to him having sex with me. I later find out I'm pregnant.

 

The possible father is a good guy and already has one child who he is a great dad to. I told him about the baby and while it's not a good situation, he wants to be fully involved as a father.

 

My husband is aware of the situation and he has been very emotionally abusive and erratic. It keeps escalating. I told him I want to divorce. I'm still living in the house and he is acting like nothing happened between outbursts. He wants to raise the child as his own and he wants us to move to another state. I obviously do not want this.

 

Since I've found out I'm pregnant I've been spending a lot of time with the man who is probably the father. He's been amazing to me and is excited about the baby. He does not want a relationship with me until I'm obviously divorced and there is a paternity test.

 

I'm mostly looking for insight and yes I realize what I've done is terrible and I do feel bad. I have apologized to my husband. He says I'm a terrible person and that I am the sole reason for the problems we have had in our marriage. Our marriage is unrepairable and unhealthy. He will likely get custody of our two children with me getting every other weekend. I don't have money for a lawyer. He's a neglectful parent who is very self-centered. His father pays his bills and he doesn't do housework or yard work.

 

Who should I get to accompany me to appointments? Who should be there for the birth? Should I wait to leave? I'm so lost.

[TaraMaiden2]

You make an awful lot of assumptions based on what your husband tells you.

Don't believe everything is as black as he paints it.

 

His influence in town is of absolutely no consequence in a court of law.

I honestly, seriously suggest you get some proper legal advice and speak to your doctor confidentially about having counselling.

While I take nothing away from your misdeeds, you are carrying the unfair share of burden of responsibility for this toxic and dysfunctional marriage, and that is completely unfair.

 

You need personal counselling and good, sound straightforward legitimate legal advice.

 

And a DNA test.

[darkmoon]

your AP will be father to two, you might find you have to share him and play happy-step-mom to his other child, or christmases will be awful

 

i can see why you want a divorce, but am not sure if you know the AP well enough to live with him

 

appointments? most men blench at the idea, you will need a paternity test and then you will know more

[Chi townD]

Way too toxic. If you want out, nothing is stopping you. Just get any lawyer and file. Nothing is stopping you and he can't stop you from filing.

[Spectre]

*shakes head* Where do I even begin? First off, I apologize for any mistreatment you may of suffered. No matter what he calls it..screwing a sleeping female is rape.

 

But I also have questions, if you do not love him why did you have more then one child with him? Did you have children prior to figuring out you did not want to marry him?

 

Now I ask the hard questions: you obviously can't take care of these kids on your own, correct? You say he can get good lawyers and has influence, so to me it seems like he makes good money while you..do not. With this in mind, and if all you want to do is co parent with your kids because you love them so much..then why cheat? Why risk losing your kids..for some sex?

 

Other problems: good men do not bang married women, and yet here you are calling the guy you cheated with "good". Even more paradoxical: you say dude doesn't want a relationship until you are divorced and there is a paternity test. Keyword: paternity test. Which almost sounds like if you divorce, but it turns out the kid is not his he doesn't want a relationship with you. Which brings us full circle to the problem of "this guy a good man". Yeah, such a good man that he won't get in a relationship with you until you divorce, but he sure as hell will f*ck you. What a humanitarian. Sounds like a guy you'd love to have raise your kids, right?

 

But okay, your final questions: if for whatever reason you intend to stay married then..this other dude you been banging needs to be out of your life 100%. No hanging with him, no him taking you to appointments, no nothing. If you are going to stay with this other man and have him raise the kid then..well, you commit to that.

 

I think you'd be foolish to stay with either man. Your current husband is a rapist and emotionally abusive and even worse apparently has money and also has proof of you cheating. While something tells me you do not have any proof of the accusations you are making. If you plan to leave(and you should) maybe get some proof? Proof of how abusive he is? How neglectful? This other guy might be a good guy *compared to your rapist husband* but in general he is not a good guy. If he was, paternity wouldn't matter when it comes to getting into a relationship with you. He'd want to get you out of a toxic relationship with an abusive guy, and he'd want the kids out of such an environment as well.

 

Here is where I find problems though: re-read your topic, read about the man you are married to, the type of man you described. Sounds like the last person you'd want to raise kids with, right? But then here you are saying you love your kids and want to "coparent" them with this man and let me be blunt: that makes me wonder if we are getting the full story or just your side. Since if he was as bad as you say why do you want this guy in your life or your kids lives? No offense, but this is why I have trouble taking everything you said at face value. You didn't say "due to his connections I know I can never get him out of the kids lives, but I'd at least prefer to co parent with him". You just flat out said "Just loving my kids and all I wanna do is co parent with my husband" and then proceeded to talk about how this man is a rapist and abusive. You see the issue?

Edited July 15, 2015 by Spectre

[velvette]

Unless your H has the only judge in town in his pocket, he cant predict how a D/child custody case will play out. Seek professional advice from an attorney. Many will give you an initial free consultation. Go to your local womens shelter and tell them your story. They may be able to steer you to low/no cost resources. In the end, if you have no income, your H will probably be ordered to pay your legal fees or they will come out of whatever settlement you get.

[velvette]

BTW, if your H rapes you again, call the police and press charges.

 

 

You may want to go to your local precinct, tell them your story and see what they will do if anything. At least, having a report on file might help you later.

[harrybrown]

Have you started thinking about your children and not about your own selfishness?

 

If your wonderful friend is not the father, what will happen then?

 

You will sleep with other men and not your own H?

 

You are creating a horrible mess. Get away from your OM until you find out who the father is of your unborn child.

 

You are not making good choices right now. Get out of the situation you are in before dropping a bomb on the situation.

 

Do not contact the OM anymore until you are divorced. You do need to take care of your children first before any more selfish decisions. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

 

How would you feel if someone tore your heart out by having a blatant A?

 

do you have parents that you can go visit and try to start making good decisions?

[Spectre]

To be honest she needs both men out of her life. Even if she wakes up tomorrow and realizes she got a false positive and is not truly pregnant..both men need to go as both as trash in different ways.

 

Also hate to ask this but..is this the first time you've cheated on your H? Also what "proof" does he have that you cheated?

 

Just saying..if he found out via snooping and stuff, maybe be careful because something tells me if he found out about you posting here and the things you are saying he'd just tighten his grip around you.

[No Limit]

First off I'd like to applaud you for coming clean to both men instead of lying to not only your husband and the other guy but also to the child about its identity. However, do the DNA test to find out who the father is with 100% certainty.

 

But I wouldn't just jump into a relationship with other guy, you don't know him well enough - how does he behave at home? Would he accept your kids and treat them well? What are the circumstances about his other child - if he knew you were married but decided "to hell with it" anyway he's not as good a partner as you believe him to be, even if he's no comparison to your crappy abusive husband.

 

As for your marriage - get out. But instead of becoming co-dependant on another guy learn to use your own strength; your kids would benefit from that too.

[World's.Edge]

This is probably one of the worst relationships I've read about. How is it that you and your husband just don't sit down together, talk about how unhealthy your relationship is and leave each other.

 

It's obvious that you to make each other unhappy and aren't good for one another. There's a lot of hate, abuse and resentment in your relationship.

 

I read your previous posts, about you cheating on your husband numerous times a few years ago, you flirting with his friend, you having cheated on him recently, you being pregnant now with another man's child (or maybe it's the friend you mentioned in your previous posts), him being emotionally abusive, his addiction to pornography and now rape. I don't know how you two got to be in such a bad place but if he's exhibiting anger and abuse towards you that could stem from his unresolved feelings of you cheating on him and his inability to confront and work on his feelings. He is handling them horribly your environment and life together is toxic.

 

 

Also, are you sure that your children, especially your first child, is your husband's since you said you were cheating on him before then?

 

This marriage is sick and it needs to be euthanized. Tell your husband that you two could be much happier not being together. That he'd be free to pursue other women and have time alone at times. That the both of you will have space to just be, and figure s*** out.

 

You married way too young. I don't think that either of you should be dating or involved with anyone (including each other) for a while.

 

My only advice and I PRAY that it is one that you follow, is that you two work out some way to separate and divorce and each see an individual counsellor and seek therapy to help you be parents. You do not want to waste your lives, especially your twenties, being miserable. Seek happiness.

[Spectre]

Wait so this isn't the first time she has cheated?

[TaraMaiden2]

Wait so this isn't the first time she has cheated?

 

OMG... I never read her previous threads.... this is a disaster of cataclysmic proportions.....

[autumnnight]

OP, it sounds like your coping mechanism of choice has become escaping through affairs with other men. It has changed from that first time you "fell into it" and while you felt guilty, you also felt good...to basically your drug of choice. And I do not say that as a bash. Other people might deal with the same type of marriage by drinking, drugs, depression, even suicide attempts.

 

However, this is a pattern of very self-destructive choices wrapped around a highly dysfunctional marriage, and now someone's baby is on the way.

 

I am not sure what you are planning on doing about the pregnancy, but my initial advice would be to go to a friend or shelter or somewhere and get out of the house with your husband. Your cheating is wrong, his abuse is wrong. They are two separate issues that have become all tangled up, and I don't think you can do anything to help yourself while they remain tangled.

 

Surely you can see that this pattern of cheating to escape cannot be a lifetime pattern of coping. It is not only harmful and hurtful, it is dangerous.

 

Is there anywhere you can go?

[Faldve]

*shakes head* Where do I even begin? First off, I apologize for any mistreatment you may of suffered. No matter what he calls it..screwing a sleeping female is rape.

 

But I also have questions, if you do not love him why did you have more then one child with him? Did you have children prior to figuring out you did not want to marry him?

 

Now I ask the hard questions: you obviously can't take care of these kids on your own, correct? You say he can get good lawyers and has influence, so to me it seems like he makes good money while you..do not. With this in mind, and if all you want to do is co parent with your kids because you love them so much..then why cheat? Why risk losing your kids..for some sex?

 

Other problems: good men do not bang married women, and yet here you are calling the guy you cheated with "good". Even more paradoxical: you say dude doesn't want a relationship until you are divorced and there is a paternity test. Keyword: paternity test. Which almost sounds like if you divorce, but it turns out the kid is not his he doesn't want a relationship with you. Which brings us full circle to the problem of "this guy a good man". Yeah, such a good man that he won't get in a relationship with you until you divorce, but he sure as hell will f*ck you. What a humanitarian. Sounds like a guy you'd love to have raise your kids, right?

 

But okay, your final questions: if for whatever reason you intend to stay married then..this other dude you been banging needs to be out of your life 100%. No hanging with him, no him taking you to appointments, no nothing. If you are going to stay with this other man and have him raise the kid then..well, you commit to that.

 

I think you'd be foolish to stay with either man. Your current husband is a rapist and emotionally abusive and even worse apparently has money and also has proof of you cheating. While something tells me you do not have any proof of the accusations you are making. If you plan to leave(and you should) maybe get some proof? Proof of how abusive he is? How neglectful? This other guy might be a good guy *compared to your rapist husband* but in general he is not a good guy. If he was, paternity wouldn't matter when it comes to getting into a relationship with you. He'd want to get you out of a toxic relationship with an abusive guy, and he'd want the kids out of such an environment as well.

 

Here is where I find problems though: re-read your topic, read about the man you are married to, the type of man you described. Sounds like the last person you'd want to raise kids with, right? But then here you are saying you love your kids and want to "coparent" them with this man and let me be blunt: that makes me wonder if we are getting the full story or just your side. Since if he was as bad as you say why do you want this guy in your life or your kids lives? No offense, but this is why I have trouble taking everything you said at face value. You didn't say "due to his connections I know I can never get him out of the kids lives, but I'd at least prefer to co parent with him". You just flat out said "Just loving my kids and all I wanna do is co parent with my husband" and then proceeded to talk about how this man is a rapist and abusive. You see the issue?

 

I was 16 when I got pregnant with our first. I literally believed he loved me and that our relationship was healthy. I never dated anyone before him and moved in with him when I was 14/15. He made me believe the things that went wrong were solely my fault. I barely saw family and cut contact from my friends because he didn't approve of them. I didn't have a vehicle and didn't drive until I was around 18.

 

At the moment I can't financially support them on my own. I start my last year of nursing school next month. He doesn't make much money but his father does.

 

Honestly, I cheated because I get lonely and want to give/receive affection with another human being. My husband and I do not sleep in the same room and rarely have sex. Sometimes I feel so unwanted and just plain invisible.

 

I didn't see it as risking losing my kids. Last summer my daughter told me he sexually abused her. She was three. I did everything I could to get justice for them and we lived with my grandmother. The cops wouldn't let me press charges, file a restraining order, and they told me they could not take possession of his computer. They didn't take my statement of him abusing me. The police officers told my husband that my daughter sounded like she was coerced by me to tell them he abused her. A month later I took her to be physically examined

And they found no evidence. The psychologist talked to the kids for maybe a minute and then I was told "they didn't really say anything to make them believe he abused them".

 

So, he tried to get me involuntarily committed (didn't succeed). He took the vehicle and cut my access to money off. He took me to court for temporary custody and I lost. I got awarded supervised visitation every other weekend. In court they had a list of people I had kissed when I was younger, proof I was abused, proof of my depression. I broke down and he told me I could move back in if I went to a mental institute (he got me to lie and say I was suicidal) so I did. Then I moved back.

 

I want to co parent out of fear of losing my kids. I feel I don't have a chance in court because I won't be legally represented and I don't have a good support system. The fact that there were allegations of child abuse and it didn't result in physical proof makes look like a terrible liar. They didn't trust my kids telling them they were abused. My husband told everyone I didn't love my kids and that I'm abusive to them and him. The police and justice system failed us.

[autumnnight]

I was 16 when I got pregnant with our first. I literally believed he loved me and that our relationship was healthy. I never dated anyone before him and moved in with him when I was 14/15.

 

May I ask how old he was when you moved in with him? This has bearing because it says a lot about the dynamic of your relationship, possible abuse, and possible reasons that your coping took the form that it did.

[Faldve]

BTW, if your H rapes you again, call the police and press charges.

 

 

You may want to go to your local precinct, tell them your story and see what they will do if anything. At least, having a report on file might help you later.

 

I believe I'd have to have physical evidence of trauma? I have tried to press charges before when he physically attacked me and they said there weren't marks so they didn't let me. My father in law is friends with a couple of the officers.

[whichwayisup]

A little background before I get to my questions; I'm 23 married to my husband that I've been with since the age of 14. We have two young children together.

 

I don't love this man. He's very emotionally abusive. He knows I don't want to be married to him. The only reason I am still married to him is because of our children and his ability to afford a good lawyer and his influence on people in our town. He refuses to have equal parenting time and he has proof of me cheating and of my history with depression. I know I've been a terrible wife. I've made a lot of bad choices. I do feel guilt for the things I've done and I pretty much am overwhelmed by guilt. I love my children and just want to coparent with my husband.

 

I cheated on him in June with a man I have slept with a few times before. A day after this my husband raped me. He doesn't consider it rape, however, I do because I woke up to him having sex with me. I later find out I'm pregnant.

 

The possible father is a good guy and already has one child who he is a great dad to. I told him about the baby and while it's not a good situation, he wants to be fully involved as a father.

 

My husband is aware of the situation and he has been very emotionally abusive and erratic. It keeps escalating. I told him I want to divorce. I'm still living in the house and he is acting like nothing happened between outbursts. He wants to raise the child as his own and he wants us to move to another state. I obviously do not want this.

 

Since I've found out I'm pregnant I've been spending a lot of time with the man who is probably the father. He's been amazing to me and is excited about the baby. He does not want a relationship with me until I'm obviously divorced and there is a paternity test.

 

I'm mostly looking for insight and yes I realize what I've done is terrible and I do feel bad. I have apologized to my husband. He says I'm a terrible person and that I am the sole reason for the problems we have had in our marriage. Our marriage is unrepairable and unhealthy. He will likely get custody of our two children with me getting every other weekend. I don't have money for a lawyer. He's a neglectful parent who is very self-centered. His father pays his bills and he doesn't do housework or yard work.

 

Who should I get to accompany me to appointments? Who should be there for the birth? Should I wait to leave? I'm so lost.

 

Start recording and filming your husband's abusive outbursts.

 

Borrow money for a lawyer if need be. Talk to your parents!!

 

You need to divorce him and get away from him if he is as abusive as you say then he shouldn't have custody of the kids, even if he's has connections.

 

You say the baby could be someone else's, so that means there's a tiny chance it's your husbands?

[Faldve]

Have you started thinking about your children and not about your own selfishness?

 

If your wonderful friend is not the father, what will happen then?

 

You will sleep with other men and not your own H?

 

You are creating a horrible mess. Get away from your OM until you find out who the father is of your unborn child.

 

You are not making good choices right now. Get out of the situation you are in before dropping a bomb on the situation.

 

Do not contact the OM anymore until you are divorced. You do need to take care of your children first before any more selfish decisions. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

 

How would you feel if someone tore your heart out by having a blatant A?

 

do you have parents that you can go visit and try to start making good decisions?

 

I'm not the smartest person obviously. No, I did not think of my children when I cheated. It was selfish of me to go outside of my marriage to fulfill my needs. After I got pregnant with my son my husband began to reject me when I would try to be affectionate, or he told me I wanted sex too much. He'd say he was too tired to have sex, or that he didn't want to have sex with me because of something I did.

 

Sex with him makes me extremely uncomfortable. He acts grossed out by my body. Then on two separate occasions I found out he was looking up preteen porn. He is too rough and focuses solely on himself. Or he tries to touch me when the children are around. He has attempted to get me to engage in a collar and leash fetish. Sex in general embarrasses him and he doesn't like to talk about it.

 

So, no, I don't initiate sex with him I haven't turned him down though except for a handful of times. He has told me before that I can cheat as long as I don't tell him.

 

I don't know how I would feel if someone I loved cheated on me. I'm sure it would hurt an immense amount.

 

No, I don't have any friends or family that I could stay with.

[Faldve]

Way too toxic. If you want out, nothing is stopping you. Just get any lawyer and file. Nothing is stopping you and he can't stop you from filing.

 

Obtaining the thousands it cost for a lawyer, and not having a home, car, or support is stopping me.

[Faldve]

To be honest she needs both men out of her life. Even if she wakes up tomorrow and realizes she got a false positive and is not truly pregnant..both men need to go as both as trash in different ways.

 

Also hate to ask this but..is this the first time you've cheated on your H? Also what "proof" does he have that you cheated?

 

Just saying..if he found out via snooping and stuff, maybe be careful because something tells me if he found out about you posting here and the things you are saying he'd just tighten his grip around you.

 

It was not the first time. He has text messages with me admitting it and from my phone to the person I cheated with.

[WasOtherWoman]

I hope that you have been looking for a job?

[Faldve]

First off I'd like to applaud you for coming clean to both men instead of lying to not only your husband and the other guy but also to the child about its identity. However, do the DNA test to find out who the father is with 100% certainty.

 

But I wouldn't just jump into a relationship with other guy, you don't know him well enough - how does he behave at home? Would he accept your kids and treat them well? What are the circumstances about his other child - if he knew you were married but decided "to hell with it" anyway he's not as good a partner as you believe him to be, even if he's no comparison to your crappy abusive husband.

 

As for your marriage - get out. But instead of becoming co-dependant on another guy learn to use your own strength; your kids would benefit from that too.

 

He's laid back, understanding, and comforting. He's a pretty normal guy. He is responsible, independent. He's been divorced for years. His wife left him because he was gone a lot working. He gets his kid every other weekend and is very involved with his life. When we met I believe I was separated but I made it clear that my husband and I didn't talk, or even sleep together. He wasn't just very comfortable with me being married.

 

You are right though. I need to be independent and comfortable in my own skin before being in a relationship. I have a lot of things I need to work through and cope with.

[the_artist_1970]

A little background before I get to my questions; I'm 23 married to my husband that I've been with since the age of 14. We have two young children together.

 

I don't love this man. He's very emotionally abusive. He knows I don't want to be married to him. The only reason I am still married to him is because of our children and his ability to afford a good lawyer and his influence on people in our town. He refuses to have equal parenting time and he has proof of me cheating and of my history with depression. I know I've been a terrible wife. I've made a lot of bad choices. I do feel guilt for the things I've done and I pretty much am overwhelmed by guilt. I love my children and just want to coparent with my husband.

 

I cheated on him in June with a man I have slept with a few times before. A day after this my husband raped me. He doesn't consider it rape, however, I do because I woke up to him having sex with me. I later find out I'm pregnant.

 

The possible father is a good guy and already has one child who he is a great dad to. I told him about the baby and while it's not a good situation, he wants to be fully involved as a father.

 

My husband is aware of the situation and he has been very emotionally abusive and erratic. It keeps escalating. I told him I want to divorce. I'm still living in the house and he is acting like nothing happened between outbursts. He wants to raise the child as his own and he wants us to move to another state. I obviously do not want this.

 

Since I've found out I'm pregnant I've been spending a lot of time with the man who is probably the father. He's been amazing to me and is excited about the baby. He does not want a relationship with me until I'm obviously divorced and there is a paternity test.

 

I'm mostly looking for insight and yes I realize what I've done is terrible and I do feel bad. I have apologized to my husband. He says I'm a terrible person and that I am the sole reason for the problems we have had in our marriage. Our marriage is unrepairable and unhealthy. He will likely get custody of our two children with me getting every other weekend. I don't have money for a lawyer. He's a neglectful parent who is very self-centered. His father pays his bills and he doesn't do housework or yard work.

 

Who should I get to accompany me to appointments? Who should be there for the birth? Should I wait to leave? I'm so lost.

 

Are you in therapy? If not please get therapy asap. Your abusive H didn't cause you to make such poor life decisions. Something within you needs fixing.

[velvette]

I believe I'd have to have physical evidence of trauma? I have tried to press charges before when he physically attacked me and they said there weren't marks so they didn't let me. My father in law is friends with a couple of the officers.

 

 

Probably having marks or an injury is required to have your H arrested or removed from the home unless their are witnesses.

 

 

Can you go back to the precinct and ask to speak to a detective rather than one of the police officers?

 

 

How old is your husband?

 

 

What did your child say that made you believe she was sexually abused?