lemondrop21 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I wanted to start a thread for OWs/OMs feeling "abandoned" around the holidays; because their MM/MW is less available or unavailable. I didn't realize how bad this feeling would be, and now it's finally here and I feel totally pathetic. Somebody please tell me I'm not pathetic for feeling this way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 You are not pathetic. Those married a-holes are enjoying their little jolly time at home and are not missing you, busy with all this overrated holidays noise. There is nothing to be envious about - their poor wives have no idea who are they married to. So, start not missing them. Dress up, put lipstick on and get out of the house. Take care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Remember, you are important. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I think many A's break up around Thanksgiving and Christmas for this reason. The reality of the situation becomes too much when his family time becomes extremely highlighted. The MM is doing what he should by being with his W and kids but it still hurts the OW. I was thinking its tge BEST time for an OW to end an A..is right now...to start the year fresh and rebuild and lose the pain and loss of self that an A creates. Hugs and peace to all!! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 You're not pathetic but why don't you use this "pathetic" feeling you have right now to get the hell out of this affair you are having and lead a normal life . If you do that next Holiday season you won't feel so "pathetic" 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 You aren't pathetic. I ended things with MM a while ago and I have been missing him lately. It would be so easy to fall back into the comfortable rapport we had. I keep thinking this will go away. What are you planning to do for yourself in the next few days? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 If this makes you feel better - and I posted it on another thread - Please don't think that every couple out there is walking around singing, "Baby, it's cold out there," over Christmas. As I said on the other thread, while I am ridiculously happy with my H, I was a single girl for a very, very long time. If my now married self could go back and have a heart-to-heart with my single self, I would tell myself not to feel so awkward and left out at the holidays. In reality, ladies, we are all doing the same things. Trying to finish up work, wrapping gifts, baking stuff and just feeling rushed and over it. Maybe I am just meh on Christmas now (I got the holiday spirit way too early) but I am ready for the chaos and noise to end. i wish you all the merriest of holidays but with realistic expectations. Enjoy simple things. Please don't feel lonely. Hugs, GG 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Don't feel so bad, after all--January is Happy Divorce Month. Why January is a popular month to file for divorce - MarketWatch Enjoy the Season's Spirit--leave them to thier own misery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) Lemondrop, you are not pathetic. It's natural to have expectations from people we love especially at a time when we spend time with and celebrate with our loved ones. I can't speak to feeling abandoned for the holidays as I walked away from my MM before this time of the year rolled around, but I do recall feeling very down in the dumps when he was unavailable during other holidays earlier in the year. I was actually thinking that while my exMM and W might be all caught up in the moment and getting carried away with all the spending on xmas presents and travel, he's probably stressing over their expenses as they seem to be living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle and he is always complaining about it. I'm sure things won't especially be peachy in January with the credit card bills rolling in and the arguments and stress levels rising. He didn't even get a raise for next year and I know his W was upset with him and laying on the guilt with the "you need to work on the kids college tuition fund." I am at a point where I can say this and genuinely mean it without feeling pain: I sincerely hope that they have a wonderful holiday and he is happy and focusing on his marriage. As for me, I am happy and at peace with myself because I walked away and don't have to suffer the pain, as I not only no longer have any expectations from him, but also, there are no expectations of me. It is truly liberating. Edited December 22, 2015 by Lovetoohard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 As for me, I am happy and at peace with myself because I walked away and don't have to suffer the pain, as I not only no longer have any expectations from him, but also, there are no expectations of me. It is truly liberating. Me too! It is a relief! I can relax and enjoy myself without all that angst! I am going into Christmas with a light heart and a big weight off my shoulders, I am going to enjoy every bit of it. Lemondrop come over to the other side - the over it side. Its a party place! Hugs x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 As much as I miss xmas with xMM, it is indeed liberating to be spending this season as a single girl. I've gotten really sweet and thoughtful gifts from colleagues and friends so far, which only helps to reinforce that I'm actually loved and blessed! This very same time last year, 100% of my happiness depended on xMM's intersection with me (we took a day off and spent the whole day together in anticipation of the long holiday break). I was so so so happy and contented after that "special" day out. But the emptiness soon came after and lasted for the next 2 weeks until the new year. As a result I missed out on precious time I could have spent wisely with my family and friends. This year I'm gonna be 100% dependent on myself for my happiness and nobody can take it away from me... It's party time!! Ps. I hardly mention it here but I was actually attached with a boyfriend when I got involved with xMM. I came clean and broke up with him after things ended with xMM because of shame/guilt/advices I guess. Just recently he texted me (first time after breakup) to wish me happy holidays and I was so touched I cried. I failed to treat him like a decent human being and for him to be gracious just made me realized how I will never ever ever do that to myself or hurt anyone else like this anymore. Cheers guys. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Just think Lemondrop... you are free to do whatever you choose. I would hate to be tied into the traditional "happy family" Christmas like xMM. His grown daughters would end up having a brawl every year, the grandkids usually had to be delivered to their father and everything went pear shaped. I never missed him at all. I always had a much better time than he did. This year I am going into the city with my family to a 5 star restaurant for a fabulous nosh up. Do something fantastic for yourself. It's just a day for goodness sake. The joy Christmas is over exaggerated and idealised. It just isn't like that. Cheers, Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemondrop21 Posted December 22, 2015 Author Share Posted December 22, 2015 You aren't pathetic. I ended things with MM a while ago and I have been missing him lately. It would be so easy to fall back into the comfortable rapport we had. I keep thinking this will go away. What are you planning to do for yourself in the next few days? My mom is coming to visit me over Christmas and she arrives tonight. I haven't always gotten along with her to say the least but our relationship has grown over the past couple of years, and it's great that she's coming to see me. I'm going to put effort into making her time here as interesting as possible (I've moved overseas and this is her first time visiting). Hopefully this gets me out of me funk. Thank you all for your encouraging words, I am definitely giving them some thought. I think the time between Christmas and New Years might be the breaking point for me. between now and Christmas I don't want to distract myself with a complete break but I anticipate very little contact. I got a 5-sentence email obviously written from his iPhone in the bathroom this morning... First contact in four days although he was traveling. Haven't felt the need to respond. Went for lunch with a friend instead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 My sorrow is a little different. My S.O. (before MM came along) broke up with me straight out of the blue -- that was a little over two years ago now. I thought we were happy, and I would have never guessed that he wasn't. We always had such nice Christmas times together. It was just the two of us, trimming the tree, waking up next to each other, then later unwrapping our gifts. We drove around looking at decorations in our neighborhood. I loved our life together, and I wouldn't have changed one thing. We had our own traditions and rituals, and what I perceived as a sense of connectedness. For some reason, I'm missing my old life far more than I am MM. I don't miss my ex-S.O. Anyone who could do that to another person can't be a very good guy. But I so miss the way things were between us, if that makes any sense. It was a lot better than holidays wondering what the heck MM was doing. I'm kinda over that, BTW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) Gently, every time I see this title it dawns on me...the OW is in a far better place to abandon than the MM. She holds the cards not a man tied down with a W and children and responsibility. She should leave him not feel abandoned but my statements easier to make after the healing process and no longer pining for xeap. Anyways to the main point: I think how can someone who is not yours abandon you? I want to be sensitive to the pain as my xeap coldly vanished but so much healing set in at this point Ive let go. He isn't abandoning you though...he is with his family. That SHOULD be where he is ALWAYS. I know thats hurtful but holidays and Christmas are for a father or mother to spread love in their home and draw family close. If anything this drawing back of APs should or could be very empowering because you see so clearly in this time just how low you fall on the scale of priorities. Its a horrible deal. I empathize strongly with the pain in case it isn't clear but also think it gives you fuel now to end it before the New Year so you can find a love all your own. But if you cant end it, at least know his W and family deserve all of his attention that he has otherwise divided with you. I hope this makes sense and isn't too preachy or insensitive, its hard to phrase it right but comes from a good place. Edited December 23, 2015 by privategal 9 Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 The first thought that struck me when I read this was "Why choose to stay in a situation that means you need to seek support at what should be a happy time?" I know there are multiple and complex answers to that but as many have pointed out this time of year may also be a catalyst to look at what's really going on. I'm pleased to see how many of you are looking for ways to create your own happiness over the holidays, particularly those that have made the decision to move on. The holidays are an easy time to sabotage your own healing, nostalgia is strong and with all the damn messages of happy families, gifts, peace, joy, blah, blah, blah it can be terrifying enough to push you back to comfortable ground (MM) even when you know that it will be short lived and will leave you hurting even longer after. MMs will probably try to reach out too, it means nothing to them to sneak off and send a few text messages to keep us strung along. You're worth more then that. I'm going to a very good restaurant with friends for a degustation lunch, it's a very trendy place so should have a lot of young, single professionals looking for a fun, stress free day. I'm going to call my family and closest friends in the morning so xMM can't reach out as I know he will; he's currently on holidays with, I can only assume, his wife and has been sending me photos of him doing different tourist activities.. I've been ignoring so he's bound to turn it up a notch soon-phone carriers don't let you block here . Anyway ladies look after yourselves at this time, it can really suck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemondrop21 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Gently, every time I see this title it dawns on me...the OW is in a far better place to abandon than the MM. She holds the cards not a man tied down with a W and children and responsibility. She should leave him not feel abandoned but my statements easier to make after the healing process and no longer pining for xeap. Anyways to the main point: I think how can someone who is not yours abandon you? I want to be sensitive to the pain as my xeap coldly vanished but so much healing set in at this point Ive let go. He isn't abandoning you though...he is with his family. That SHOULD be where he is ALWAYS. I know thats hurtful but holidays and Christmas are for a father or mother to spread love in their home and draw family close. If anything this drawing back of APs should or could be very empowering because you see so clearly in this time just how low you fall on the scale of priorities. Its a horrible deal. I empathize strongly with the pain in case it isn't clear but also think it gives you fuel now to end it before the New Year so you can find a love all your own. But if you cant end it, at least know his W and family deserve all of his attention that he has otherwise divided with you. I hope this makes sense and isn't too preachy or insensitive, its hard to phrase it right but comes from a good place. You are absolutely right, he SHOULD be with his family and I actually want that right now, given that the situation is as it is. Although his wife doesn't know, what I've done is terrible and I want him to be supporting THEM and giving THEM a happy Christmas right now. They deserve that far more than I do. But of course, the situation makes me feel awful. You are all right that this underscores the fact that I deserve a happy, healthy relationship with someone who can be there for me over Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenAxe Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I'm trying to look at it as just another day. Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Hi Lemondrop, how's your time with your mother going? I hope you're in a happy and positive place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EdibleWoman Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 I wanted to start a thread for OWs/OMs feeling "abandoned" around the holidays; because their MM/MW is less available or unavailable. I didn't realize how bad this feeling would be, and now it's finally here and I feel totally pathetic. Somebody please tell me I'm not pathetic for feeling this way. First few Christmases I was nostalgic for MM but able to cope. Years 3-5 I was angry. Years 6-8, I was beyond angry - I just feel like a loser. This year is year 8. Don't let it go as long as I did. It really sucks - you deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EdibleWoman Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 And oh by the way, I had to have an abortion on 12/26. While I was bleeding out, he was with his family on holiday. Forever now, I associate Christmas with losing a child. My deserved karma. Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 No Edible, that's not karma. It's horrible, heartbreaking and devastating but not karma, no one deserves to be hurt like that- you don't deserve to be hurt like that. How is your Christmas this year, have you moved on from him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EdibleWoman Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 You are a very kind person. It's a hard time of year, and it all comes flooding back around this time. Christmas typically involves him saying he's leaving his wife, and I believe him until mid-point the following year. I do not sleep with him - haven't for years - but safe to say it remains a dysfunctional EA. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. Hopefully I will work it out in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 There's nothing wrong with you, you love someone and you believe in him-that's normal. What's not normal is the amount of pain that this relationship has, and continues to bring you. Eight years is a long time, imagine where you could be in eight years if you walked away from this. you know the pattern now, he gets everything and you're left with nothing but pain. He promises to leave tokeep you sucked in, you start to doubt after months of inactivity, he promises again and the cycle continues. Habits can be hard to break, especially after such a long investment even if they bring nothing but hurt. I hope you make a decision that brings you peace this year 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 happy Christmas Eve, OP & everyone! will anyone have snow for Christmas? at my place, it's going to be around 20 celsius! Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) I don't post much, being a member of this board for years. But reading other people stories had help me so much in the past. This thread is completely heartbreaking and reminded me of the darkest times in my life - two Chrsitmases completely ruined by my involvement with MM. I remember the devastation, the loneliness, yes, no presents, nothing, pitiful text at 8pm on Christmas day that I'd spent in tears - my heart aches still when I remember that, and its been years ago. My only regret is to dragging it on, not ending it sooner, not telling him to go F himself because he didn't deserve my love at all. Much love to all of you, I hope 2016 will bring you happiness and freedom that you all richly deserve, Edited December 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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