Holiday abandonment support

[ladydesigner]

And oh by the way, I had to have an abortion on 12/26. While I was bleeding out, he was with his family on holiday. Forever now, I associate Christmas with losing a child. My deserved karma.

 

(((EdibleWoman))) you did not deserve that. Wishing you peace and happiness this holiday for YOU and only YOU! Do something special for yourself over the holidays!

[lftbehind]

I wanted to start a thread for OWs/OMs feeling "abandoned" around the holidays; because their MM/MW is less available or unavailable. I didn't realize how bad this feeling would be, and now it's finally here and I feel totally pathetic. Somebody please tell me I'm not pathetic for feeling this way.

 

You're not pathetic for feeling abandoned. I feel that way, too. I'm used to hearing from MM twice a day and the emails are affectionate. Thanksgiving week he was traveling and I hardly heard from him. When he got home he started communicating with me like normal. A few days ago he started with less communication again. I wonder how he's getting along with his wife and if he and his wife are re-connecting over the holidays. It really sucks to be in this situation, but hard to quit it.

[GoldenAxe]

EF those dudes. You gals are worth more than this BS.

[lftbehind]

EF those dudes. You gals are worth more than this BS.

 

Thank you GoldenAxe! You deserve better than MW, too and hopefully next year will be better.

[EdibleWoman]

EF those dudes. You gals are worth more than this BS.

 

Ten characters

Edited December 26, 2015 by EdibleWoman
Not productive.

[lemondrop21]

All, I hope you've had fantastic Christmases.

 

Edible, your posts were heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to read about your abortion, that is NOT karma, no one deserves that. I'm wishing you peace and the strength to move on.

 

My Christmas was mixed, going well most of the day but then mom and I got in our annual Christmas argument towards the end. She is a very difficult person to deal with and I know I contribute my bit as well, as old issues resurface.

 

Heard from MM Christmas Eve but nothing on Christmas Day although he had said he would be in touch. I'm not actually that angry as I know he was cooking for 12 and then probably drank too much with the family once the kids went to bed. BUT I am sad at the situation overall because it's crazy if I really think about it... He shouldn't have to sneak away to email me. I should be able to hear from him earlier in the day. Or, you know, be there with him. But it's not a regular relationship and it's my fault for being in it.

 

I think this will be the start of a break from communicating with him... I will not be seeing him until Jan 10 when we're both back at work.

[Lurkeraspect]

Dear Lemondrop,

 

Forgive me, I'm confused. How exactly has this guy "abandoned" you? Reading back over your posts, it's appears that this has been a flirtation, some making out, not much more.

 

Please, please, please knock this off. Yes, you can certainly waste more of your life, yearning for some dude who doesn't care about you, who's happy to make out with you in some car park. Aren't you worth more than that?

 

Just please, let this bs fantasy go. He's not abandoned you. He was never there (or yours) to begin with.

[lemondrop21]

Dear Lemondrop,

 

Forgive me, I'm confused. How exactly has this guy "abandoned" you? Reading back over your posts, it's appears that this has been a flirtation, some making out, not much more.

 

Please, please, please knock this off. Yes, you can certainly waste more of your life, yearning for some dude who doesn't care about you, who's happy to make out with you in some car park. Aren't you worth more than that?

 

Just please, let this bs fantasy go. He's not abandoned you. He was never there (or yours) to begin with.

 

Hi Lurker, I didn't update my story in my original thread but it progressed to a full blown affair in June. His wife and kids were away over summer and it felt in many ways like a real relationship during that time. He was on the fence about the marriage and his wife had some major issues, but she did therapy in the summer and has worked on herself and their marriage so he is now sticking with it at least for the time being. He says he does not know if he wants to stay married to her but wants to avoid a broken home for the kids if possible. At this point our "relationship" as such involves chatting at work whenever we are able, and having long lunches (sex) once a week.

 

I will say that you are right about it being a bs fantasy and no, he is not mine.

[lemondrop21]

And, not only did I not hear from him Christmas Day, but nothing so far today either, and in my part of the world today is just about over.

 

Really shows how much of a priority I am.

 

We regularly have days with no communication, but his email on Christmas Eve said specifically that he'd be in touch on Christmas Day so this is a pretty odd one. Of course my head is running through all sorts of possible reasons.

 

What a stupid situation. I'm tempted to just go NC but feel like I want to know why this happened. Anything short of "my mother had to go to hospital" is going to be met with a lot of anger from me.

[privategal]

And, not only did I not hear from him Christmas Day, but nothing so far today either, and in my part of the world today is just about over.

 

Really shows how much of a priority I am.

 

We regularly have days with no communication, but his email on Christmas Eve said specifically that he'd be in touch on Christmas Day so this is a pretty odd one. Of course my head is running through all sorts of possible reasons.

 

What a stupid situation. I'm tempted to just go NC but feel like I want to know why this happened. Anything short of "my mother had to go to hospital" is going to be met with a lot of anger from me.

 

Do some thinking on how powerfully LOUD silence speaks. It really says it all.

Do you really think he needs a peice of your mind? He knew how it would make you feel...any excuse could traslate to 'there was no way to be sneaky enough to write' AND add you were not my priority today......ewe.

Trust me silence (forever) will communicate EVERYTHING.

[Lovetoohard]

Lemondrop, your heart hasn't caught up with the logical part of your brain yet. Your MM is enjoying hallmark card moments with his family and in his brain, you were filed away and compartmentalized somewhere until of course, you all have to go back to work or he has a spare moment where he's not doing anything. You are well aware of this as you have articulated in your earlier post so why continue struggling with trying to understand why he didn't follow through on getting in touch with you? This behavior will continue for as long as you are in this A. It will never change no matter how much you tell him it is hurting you. I had enough of those pathetic waiting and expecting moments and I finally started pulling away and eventually broke up with my MM because there is only so much a human being can tolerate. Thankfully my A was 6 months long as opposed to others who have spent (or I should say WASTED) years.

 

Start reconciling logic with the feelings in your heart. Easier said than done, I know, but a lot of us are real life examples on letting go and drawing boundaries on how one should be treated in a healthy relationship. You can never have a healthy relationship with an unavailable man.

 

Your MM is exactly where he should be - with his family. And if he is not entirely happy with his marriage, that is his problem to fix. He is a grown man. You are not a gap stop or a happy escape or emotional crutch or whatever to compensate for the things that are lacking in his marriage.

 

Make a u-turn out of this dead-end and make your way back to the right path for you. Start the new year with a clean slate.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[winterkeep]

Hi LD,

 

I'm glad your time with your mum was semi tolerable at least, our relationships w our mothers sound very similar- hence why I didn't go "home" this year.

 

You sound as though you are starting to look at your affair from an objective standpoint which is good as it's so easy to let emotion cloud judgement. It does sound though as if you're really just waiting to hear what excuse he's going to come up with so you can believe it and excuse his behaviour.

 

Even if his mother died you'd still expect him to say something, it's what you do when you're emotionally invested in someone - I bet if something happened to one of your loved ones he'd be the first you'd want to tell. And, well to be crass, everyone needs to $**t! That's a few minutes at least he could gave sent a text but didn't. If he was single at this point in your R his behaviour would be totally inexcusable, why accept less from a man you already accept so little from?

 

I do get it but love is no reason to let yourself be destroyed by a thousand cuts. I'd predict that's what will happen with this A. You'll get small, but significant rejections and dismissals, you'll be hurt and he'll make weak excuses to keep you hanging on, you'll listen but every time the luster and your self esteem will be damaged. You'll become like so many here, a broken shell who is stuck in a dead end r as it becomes the only thing able to validate them. Like the frog that doesn't know it's boiling you will become so used to this that it's normal. This point in a romantic R should be the best, not the time you're already being conditioned to accept less and less.

 

Love yourself and walk away now, it will hurt for awhile but for less time then if you keep letting this go on for months or years. You will heal and you will give yourself a chance at real love.

 

If he really wants to leave his M then he will, with or without you. Why would he now? He doesn't have to make any decision, life's easy for him and you're already showing him you'll put up with anything just to keep him. Great for him! He gets sex, validation, an escape and your precious company and attention with no effort at all. What an effing pig, you deserve a lot better lady!

 

I just wanted to add that I'm not sure that the idea that he's having a hallmark moment w his family is totally accurate or helpful. It's giving him too much credit and sets a false vision of what the future with him could be. In reality he's a selfish prick, who was more likely doing whatever the heck HE wanted to do that day with little real thought on what any of the women in his life would like. Not a future you should aspire to and not a valid reality, he's too self centred to treat anyone well by the sound of things.

 

Not long until New Years! Make next year better than this one by giving yourself the chance to be happy. I know it's hard, it's scary and it hurts and you're probably thinking "there's no other man out there like him/for me/as good as him" which is normal but not true. There are men you will meet who will be what you're looking for, you just need to give yourself a chance to find them.

Edited December 26, 2015 by winterkeep
Correct auto correct!

[lemondrop21]

Thank you all very much for your thoughts and encouragement. I changed the password to the email account that I share with MM this morning. You all are right that silence speaks louder than words ever could.

 

I'm not calling it permanent NC because 1) I know my heart isn't quite there yet (although I will be reflecting a lot in the coming days), and 2) NC is technically impossible until I find another job. But this is some breathing space for me as he won't be able to privately contact me until I'm back at work on Jan 10th.

 

I will write more of an update on my original thread about this affair. Thanks again, all.

[privategal]

That kind of 'drama' keeps you bonded even tighter. You want to punish him, let him log in, not be able to write, wonder whats going on...

At the same time you will wonder has he checked the email? A thousand times a day you will wonder what he's thinking, if he will find another way to reach you...if he realized your that upset how will he try to make it up etc.

It keeps you closer in a twisted way. I hope in these next 10-12 days you will find within the resolve to try to date and go cold turkey with this A as your heart isn't into YOUR life...his bread crumbs have you addicted and stuck.

You can get through the workday not being his past time and Ms. 9-5 entertainment.

You really CAN end this even WHILE you job search and get out.

Proud of you for silence and not reaching out.

Wish you could take it all the way.

[Lovetoohard]

Lemondrop, I know you are hurting and I will throw the disclaimer out there that none of us truly know you or your MM beyond what you've shared, but it seems a little passive aggressive and immature to change the password on your shared email. i would recommend just telling him that you need some space for a couple of weeks. Hopefully he can respect that. You should of course do what feels right to you, but this is just an avenue to consider. You should be especially cognizant of not rocking the boat and potentially hurting your work relationship by inviting the drama that will most likely ensue from what may be perceived as a passive aggressive tactic.

 

Also, it's possible to be broken up and work together but I won't lie, it's hard. I was LC with my exMM as we worked together and we would stick to work only topics. It took a bit to stay in work mode only with him and we occasionally slipped and talked about our personal relationship but as time went on and I started actively avoiding him, it was ok. Of course, the ideal situation would be to not work together but it's not always possible to switch jobs just like that.

[lemondrop21]

Hmm, I do see the point to a certain extent about it being passive aggressive. My intent was actually to relieve myself from the constantly wondering whether he'd written... I must have checked that thing 20-30 times the past couple days. Now that I know he can't write, I don't have to check it. But maybe you guys are right, that now I'll be wondering if he will try and reach me in some other way, etc.

 

Well, I can't change it back to what it was because gmail won't let you re-use passwords. I will consider whether to reach out to him on work email and let him know I am taking space. It's always a slight risk, but if a put the message in an innocently-titled document then I suppose it should be fine.

 

I don't know, part of me feels I don't owe him this courtesy so I will sit on it a bit.

[privategal]

At this point do NOT reach out. Too late. He took space all through holiday without explanation so your right you owe nothing, just beware your actions and how they're percieved.

Most importantly just be very clear and poised and straight forward. No emotional games as they hurt you more than him.

Reaching out is an invitation...almost a plea foe him to contact and validate you. It will give him your power. Let it rest until your back. Silence. Be strong.

[Shadowburn]

Hmm, I do see the point to a certain extent about it being passive aggressive. My intent was actually to relieve myself from the constantly wondering whether he'd written... I must have checked that thing 20-30 times the past couple days. Now that I know he can't write, I don't have to check it. But maybe you guys are right, that now I'll be wondering if he will try and reach me in some other way, etc.

 

Well, I can't change it back to what it was because gmail won't let you re-use passwords. I will consider whether to reach out to him on work email and let him know I am taking space. It's always a slight risk, but if a put the message in an innocently-titled document then I suppose it should be fine.

 

I don't know, part of me feels I don't owe him this courtesy so I will sit on it a bit.

 

Please use next two weeks he won't be able to reach you to do some proactive healing. Because once he figures out you're pissed, he'll come back with a full force.

[sandylee1]

This affair isn't over by a long shot. When all are back at work it will be business as usual. Just shows how exceedingly unhealthy affairs are really. That a mistress speak of being abandoned..... that's not how a 'good OW' should react. It's about knowing your place and clearly you are too emotionally invested to be the ideal OW.

 

This isn't the relationship for you at all. How much longer are you going to accept being a secret for? It's not about him... he's having a blast with wife and family and you as the extra. You've agreed and accepted your role.... you are secondary .... you are NOT his priority ...... if that suits you ... then accept it.... if not... turn the page .You honestly need to get more resilient or pull the plug on the A. All this venting is really not a solution.

 

Have you questioned why you settle? Would you have difficulties dating? Self estee confidence? There must be a reason you think you can't do better than this.

[Lovetoohard]

Lemondrop- one thing I focused on while I was seriously pondering letting my MM go was to think about whether the A and MM were adding or detracting value from my life. We were fantastic coworkers and friends, and we were both fulfilling some kind of a void in our respective lives. I admit, it felt really good to me to make him happy, albeit, at my expense eventually. I would say that short term, he added value but it was temporary. Also, it wasn't the kind of stable, reliable, always-there-for-me-no-matter-what kind of value. When we had those moments, those moments were fleeting at best, and not capable of sustaining a long term, healthy dynamic. How could he? He had a whole family to devote himself to! I had to stop being short sighted, realize that I couldn't be his band aid forever, and think about myself and what I wanted MY life to look like. I would've rather been single than be on the sidelines perpetually. I am not angry at him for not giving me a 100% - I am disappointed for letting myself accept less than 100% and for struggling so hard to make him give me a 100% when he simply couldn't. Instead, he gave everyone in the dynamic, W and kids included, fractions of him by lying and only taking into consideration his self serving interests. He was a different version of himself depending on who the audience was and that bothered me. You are who you are in your entirety, not parts of you. He was broken beyond repair and I didn't want any part of him. It was certainly not a lightbulb moment to come to that conclusion, but more of a growing inner turmoil over a prolonged period of time that I couldn't ignore anymore.

 

There are few things in life we can control and choosing who you want as a partner is something you can absolutely control.

Edited December 28, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[lftbehind]

This affair isn't over by a long shot. When all are back at work it will be business as usual. Just shows how exceedingly unhealthy affairs are really. That a mistress speak of being abandoned..... that's not how a 'good OW' should react. It's about knowing your place and clearly you are too emotionally invested to be the ideal OW.

 

This isn't the relationship for you at all. How much longer are you going to accept being a secret for? It's not about him... he's having a blast with wife and family and you as the extra. You've agreed and accepted your role.... you are secondary .... you are NOT his priority ...... if that suits you ... then accept it.... if not... turn the page .You honestly need to get more resilient or pull the plug on the A. All this venting is really not a solution.

 

Have you questioned why you settle? Would you have difficulties dating? Self estee confidence? There must be a reason you think you can't do better than this.

 

Is he really having a blast with his wife? I think that if he were, he wouldn't be having an A.

[imperfectangel]

Is he really having a blast with his wife? I think that if he were, he wouldn't be having an A.

 

 

I think some MM are happy with their wives but if they can nab another woman with minimal effort than why not

[sandylee1]

I think some MM are happy with their wives but if they can nab another woman with minimal effort than why not

 

Well said.

 

It's like chips are fine on their own... but ketchup makes them better for some people.

[lemondrop21]

Is he really having a blast with his wife? I think that if he were, he wouldn't be having an A.

 

Good question, although right now in this moment I really don't care what kind of time he's having with his wife, which is a great feeling! (But thanks for the comment regardless ) Arrived in my old city yesterday and now sitting in the living room of a snazzy apartment that I rented for 2 weeks. Saw one of my oldest, closest girlfriends this afternoon. Signed up for yoga tomorrow evening. Trying to do lots of healthy activities. My head is in a great space today.

 

I am starting to feel like I'm turning a corner with this thing. Christmas was one of my low points in the A. @sandylee, you're right that I'm not a "good OW" so maybe it's time to not be an OW anymore.

[lemondrop21]

Have you questioned why you settle? Would you have difficulties dating? Self estee confidence? There must be a reason you think you can't do better than this.

 

I have a date tentatively planned for when I get back, with a man I met on the airplane . I also re-started texting with a man who I previously had kept at a distance in the early days of MM. I think both have some potential. At the very least it might help break the MM spell. I'm excited.