Non-virgin gf making me wait for 3+ months

[craw]

Were you direct (outright asking 'do you want to have sex?')

 

This is odd.

[craw]

You will probably have to wait another three months. Personally, I don't really think you care that much about her.

[anika99]

3 months is actually very little time to get to know someone when it comes to deciding who you want to give your heart to.

Edited December 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited out verbal sparring ~ V

[road]

3 months is actually very little time to get to know someone when it comes to deciding who you want to give your heart to.

 

 

Three months for a lifetime in a great marriage with great sex is a very small price to pay.

Edited December 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote from previous dialogue ~ V

[Eggplant]

Regardless of the rules of whatever "games," the woman must take care of herself physically and emotionally. If that means she has no good "game" cards to play, so be it. Game over. If the man is focused on winning at a game, and on what the game offers him personally, without thinking at all of her needs, there is nothing worth "winning" anyway.

Edited December 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited out deleted quoted material ~ V

[loveflower]

Regardless of the rules of whatever "games," the woman must take care of herself physically and emotionally. If that means she has no good "game" cards to play, so be it. Game over. If the man is focused on winning at a game, and on what the game offers him personally, without thinking at all of her needs, there is nothing worth "winning" anyway.

 

hey, I am all for women's right.

 

All I am saying is that in this case, given the woman's history, she is just not that into him, be it because she senses OP is not sincere or she is not that attracted to him. again, she has all the right to do so.

 

(granted she can change if she realize her pasts were mistakes, but nowhere in op's post that she mentions that, so we can't assume she thinks jumping to bed with other guys so early were mistakes. and besides the onerous is on her to communicate that to OP if she cares about him at all)

Edited December 27, 2015 by loveflower

[The Way I Am]

(granted she can change if she realize her pasts were mistakes, but nowhere in op's post that she mentions that, so we can't assume she thinks jumping to bed with other guys so early were mistakes. and besides the onerous is on her to communicate that to OP if she cares about him at all)

 

OP said that she told him her past relationships where she had sex too soon didn't go well. I get the impression that the only reason OP knows how quickly or not she was sexual with her previous partners is because she did communicate to him exactly that.

 

 

But instead of believing her and respecting her choices, OP has chosen to use that knowledge to decide that she's withholding something from him that he should be entitled to because it's what other guys got.

[Blunderstorm]

It was during the 1st month, that she briefly shared about her past relationships not lasting too much. Not exactly after she had sex, but much later on. I didn't ask her, she told me herself.

 

I'll wait but I think at some time there has to be a limit too. I don't want this to be a case that she might have been ready but is using waiting as an excuse or later on find out she truly wasn't attracted to me (one of my friends is already suspecting the later).

 

I'm trying to be respectful but at the same time, I still wonder what's it liking having that very close physical connection in a relationship (sex that is) and the girl wanting it just like we do. I know it by what friends tell me, movies, etc but it's not the same as actually knowing it yourself. More than likely I'll make it to the New Year still being inexperienced.

Edited December 27, 2015 by Blunderstorm

[Timshel]

Not sure if this is the normal time frame a non-virgin (and not religious either) gf would make you wait for sex.

 

I don't want to sound rude but I've actually try to be romantic by adding a couple candles in my house and lovely stuff (this was prepared hours before our date; she would be visiting my house). I thought that's what girls love.

 

But then as we were kissing deeply, she still declines; for yet the 2nd time. I admit to getting somewhat irritated and then she immediately was like ''Oh so that's why you tried being romantic'' (yes, she was pissed off) asked to be taken home.

 

Anyway I've tried calling to apologize but she won't answer. I'm feeling kind of frustrated at the same time: I'm already 24 and it's been 2 years since getting my Bachelor's. Makes me wonder if she even finds me attractive or I just suck at getting a girl turn on. I followed the advice one of my friends gave to me about decorating my room and letting it flow naturally.

 

Blunderstorm, you have had a talk with your gf and she has told you that she has been intimate too soon in the past and would like to proceed slowly with you. This is a fair request.

If the two of you are not on a same page about your relationship and comfortable with the direction....break up.

Your communication/needs are at an impasse. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to wait and there is nothing wrong with your desire for sexual intimacy.

What is wrong?....the inability at this point in your relationship to effectively negotiate and compromise these needs as a couple.

[Blunderstorm]

Timshel, yes she did shared a bit about her past but only briefly.

 

I have decided to give it a bit of time but not too much.

[Blunderstorm]

You will probably have to wait another three months. Personally, I don't really think you care that much about her.

Why? Why would I have to wait 6 months just because of her relationships not lasting?

[anika99]

Blunderstorm you can tell if a girl is into you even if you are not having intercourse with her. How eager is she to make out? Does she enjoy touching you all over, is she into deep kissing with tongues. When you are necking do you sense her sexual excitement? Tongue kissing is very intimate and kind of gross when there is a lack of attraction. In my last long term relationship we mutually agreed not to rush having sex but there was no question that we were totally hot for each other. I loved running my hands all over his body while we shoved our tongues into each other's faces..lol. He damn well knew I wanted him. If your gf doesn't show any enthusiasm for making out and just sort of passively goes along with it then you should be concerned but if she clearly enjoys touching you and swapping spit with you she is probably into you.

[loveflower]

I'll wait but I think at some time there has to be a limit too. I don't want this to be a case that she might have been ready but is using waiting as an excuse or later on find out she truly wasn't attracted to me (one of my friends is already suspecting the later)..

 

There! that's all I am saying in this thread.

[loveflower]

Why? Why would I have to wait 6 months just because of her relationships not lasting?

 

You are in it for the experience, not really because you love her. she senses that or/and not that into you.

[BlueIris]

Why? Why would I have to wait 6 months just because of her relationships not lasting?

 

You don’t have to. You are choosing to. Apparently you are choosing to because you are waiting or hoping for her to come around to your perspective, or maybe to "reward" you for your efforts or something. It's still so transactional and cold.

 

Break up for heaven’s sake. That is respectful. You want a sexual relationship. You want more sexual experience. Date someone with the same perspective about sex and relationship that you have. And be more honest in the future about what you want in a relationship.

[Timshel]

Please stop. Loveflower is questioning the validity of the relationship....as was OP.

There is a bit of piling on with whether or not gf is sincerely invested or postponing intimacy for GIG's (grass is greener.)

OP needs to weigh in on his relationship and how it is...until, it is only a hypothetical argument. Hardly worth beating each other about.

 

P.S. OP does not seem to be able to determine one way or the other...atm.

 

Darn it, ladies. Dude does not know crap...come on.

[StBreton]

I think the OP has gotten enough logical advice to go from here. Hope the best for you going forward OP.

[Rejected Rosebud]

OP - I think you need a paradigm shift. As long as you are building up resentment about not having sex with her and especially thinking about how other guys did, earlier - you are actively undermining your relationship with her.

 

As I see it you have only TWO choices: take this relationship day by day and enjoy it without any timelines, expectations or feelings of entitlement -

 

Or, if you can't or don't want to do that, BREAK UP NOW.

 

If you really like her a lot, what is wrong with just putting the idea of sex and when/ if it will happen off the table for a while? If you two are a good match, you won't be sorry that you let up on this pressure and just let things take a natural course.

 

I guarantee to you that your focus on this is MAKING her feel unsafe about having sex with you, and putting her off more and more. If she feels that the way she handled her sexuality in the past had a negative result for her - whether she's right or wrong about that - your attitude of "I'm gonna wait but not for very long" is proving her RIGHT. You ARE going to dump her unless she puts her own feelings about getting sexual second to YOURS. That is not good for her to do.

 

If you need to be in a sexual relationship right now then this situation is NOT good for you and you really need to just move on. From what you are writing on here though I have a feeling that you are going to be disappointed no matter what. If ANY girl gives into your pressure about sex, it's not going to turn out to be the fun sexual relationship you are after.

[Eggplant]

Not sure if this is the normal time frame a non-virgin (and not religious either) gf would make you wait for sex.

 

I don't want to sound rude but I've actually try to be romantic by adding a couple candles in my house and lovely stuff (this was prepared hours before our date; she would be visiting my house). I thought that's what girls love.

 

But then as we were kissing deeply, she still declines; for yet the 2nd time. I admit to getting somewhat irritated and then she immediately was like ''Oh so that's why you tried being romantic'' (yes, she was pissed off) asked to be taken home.

 

Anyway I've tried calling to apologize but she won't answer. I'm feeling kind of frustrated at the same time: I'm already 24 and it's been 2 years since getting my Bachelor's. Makes me wonder if she even finds me attractive or I just suck at getting a girl turn on. I followed the advice one of my friends gave to me about decorating my room and letting it flow naturally.

 

Blunderstorm, what girls love is for you to study them individually, and find out what they like in particular.

[anika99]

My stance is that it doesn't matter what her reasons are, the OP isn't entitled to sex from her, regardless of how quickly she has had sex in the past. Sex is a shared experience that needs to be mutually agreed to and enjoyed by both participants. It can't be owed or demanded. If I slept with a thousand guys it doesn't mean I have to have sex with a thousand more. You have been all over the place in this thread. You have said she doesn't have sex because she has double standards, then you have said it's because she is playing games and you have said it's because she is not into the OP. Nobody really knows for sure why she is waiting. The OP needs to be mature enough to have a rational discussion about it with her so he can decide if he wants to hang around or not. You may be correct that the girl is just not sexually turned on by him but that might not be the case at all. In any case the OP's original stance of "I deserve sex right now because she didn't make anyone else wait this long" is offensive and wrong. He doesn't deserve anything sexual from his girlfriend until his girlfriend is ready, period.

Edited December 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited out deleted quoted content ~ V

[privategal]

Why don't you just come right out with your question to her?

 

 

Like, hey x...we've been seeing each other for x amount of time now. When I like and care about someone I usually like to progress to intimacy at some point and I am wondering how you feel about that? In our situation I am not sure of your boundaries, Im feeling mixed signals, I am attracted to you but feel conflicted if we are on the same page and your level of attraction or your desire to have intimacy with me. I want to understand so that I am clear and this is not a pressure situation but rather an effort to understand you.

 

 

JUST ASK HER FLAT OUT.

[joystickd]

My only issue with waiting is that women are often not clear about the rationale for waiting. When I met my now wife we went out and did things. When the subject of sex came up she mentioned waiting but provided a good argument for why. I felt better about the situation because a reason was provided that made sense and didn't come from a place of a perceived punishing the new man for what previous men had done.

 

Also one of the things I say but women hate to admit or acknowledge is that sometimes waiting is useless because there are some men that will play the role. Some will wait to get what they want.

[Robert]

Opening thread with this warning:

 

Folks, 45 posts have been edited/deleted and infractions have been handed out. Let's keep this thread topical to the OP and not to each other or about who is/isn't the expert.

 

Thanks!

 

~ V

Edited December 28, 2015 by Robert

[salparadise]

OP - I think you need a paradigm shift.

 

your attitude of "I'm gonna wait but not for very long" is proving her RIGHT. You ARE going to dump her unless she puts her own feelings about getting sexual second to YOURS. That is not good for her to do.

 

...I have a feeling that you are going to be disappointed no matter what. If ANY girl gives into your pressure about sex, it's not going to turn out to be the fun sexual relationship you are after.

 

I agree about the paradigm shift. He needs to change how he's thinking and behaving, and change this dysfunctional relational dynamic as a result.

 

Like someone else said, he is not automatically entitled to sex by virtue of having dated for three months... and neither is she entitled to keep him engaged in a sexless relationship that's not meeting his needs regardless of her rationale.

 

I also agree that this one is "not going to turn out to be the fun sexual relationship you are after," but perhaps for different reasons than rosebud suggests. I think that the reticent, disinterested, controlling penchant she demonstrates at three months is probably indicative of how she will be after the relationship is consummated, assuming that would happen eventually.

 

I think OP needs to change the game, the paradigm if you will, by distancing and dating others. I don't know if they have an exclusivity agreement––it would seem ludicrous given that no physical relationship even exists––but if notice is appropriate then give it, and give her plenty of time and space to enjoy her chastity while you're out there gaining a larger perspective.

 

Three months is enough time for most adults, and absent any other good reason (religion, virginity, etc.), I'd say OP needs to think about cutting his losses before he ends up with six-nine-twelve more months invested and still not having sex, or it ending up being unsatisfactory... or she ends up banging a bad boy after having used him for a placeholder companion while she waited for someone who makes her wet.

 

OP, your needs are important too. The the time for a paradigm shift is about three months, imho, and I just think you need to either change the situation or extricate yourself from it.

Edited December 29, 2015 by salparadise

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think OP needs to change the game, the paradigm if you will, by distancing and dating others. I don't know if they have an exclusivity agreement––it would seem ludicrous given that no physical relationship even exists––but if notice is appropriate then give it, and give her plenty of time and space to enjoy her chastity while you're out there gaining a larger perspective.

:eek: Seriously, you are really advising him to "teach her a lesson" by going out and having sex with other girls because she isn't ready or doesn't want to? That is low.

 

It's not "ludicrous" for people to be exclusive with each other and not having sex. It's common.

 

Like I said, if it doesn't work for the OP that is fine, it's his choice and it's not wrong for him to break up with her because he is not okay with the sex issue. Distancing himself and dating others while still keeping her on the line would be very weak, IMO.

 

Three months is enough time for most adults, and absent any other good reason (religion, virginity, etc.),

Why is "virginity" even an acceptable reason for you? Do you think that only a virgin girl is allowed to decide for herself when she feels ready to get sexual with a guy?

 

I'd say OP needs to think about cutting his losses before he ends up with six-nine-twelve more months invested and still not having sex, or it ending up being unsatisfactory... or she ends up banging a bad boy after having used him for a placeholder companion while she waited for someone who makes her wet.

well, for sure if he thinks like you do, he should break up with her. No girl wants to be with a guy who is angrily planning in advance for her to bang a bad boy who makes her wet. :sick: