Non-virgin gf making me wait for 3+ months

[preraph]

She wants to be sure she doesn't get used for sex and discarded like so many women her age are over and over again. Let's not forget a baby can come out of that vagina, so even though I'm a liberal freewheeling old 1970s gal, there are legitimate reasons not to take the chance of getting pregnant -- and that chance always exists, even if it is somewhat remotely.

 

Probably, though, she is just weeding out the guys who only want sex -- and there's plenty of them. If she wasn't attracted, she wouldn't even be kissing you.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Nope. I didn't ask her that. I was first talking about trivial stuff and then mentioning about the day we met, and basically throwing off romantic lines; a couple of them are lines I read online and one from my friend.

 

Come on, man, do you feel so little for her that you need to borrow lines??? How do you FEEL about her if you feel anything at all for her (apart from wanting to put your penis in her vagina).

 

She might sense that you only want sex with her.

[io2iio]

I do my best to avoid men who don't have their own reasons to wait and get to know someone.... For all of the reasons in this thread. It's all about your ego and zero about relating to the other person.

 

I very much resent this idea that anyone (man or woman) who wants to wait has anything wrong with them at all...

 

Me personally... I think there is more wrong with people who will swap fluids with a near stranger... Someone who is more than happy to take THOSE risks with someone they barely know... When they likely wouldn't trust that same person with their car keys, or watching their pet, or maybe even watering their plants, for crissakes.

 

OP, I really have no idea what her history was or wasn't... But here you are, claiming you haven't had a lot of experience and now you want some experience. Let's assume your assumptions about when she had sex before are valid. Why do you get to learn about your sexuality, wants and needs, and make changes... And she doesn't?

 

Your needs are important, but they aren't more important than hers... And her needs aren't more important than yours either... But it is her body, and she gets to decide who she shares it with. Just like you have had the opportunity to do all these years.

 

If you just need something to f*ck... And any woman will do, then break up with her. It sounds like you don't really care about her.

 

If you do really care about her, then you need to find a way to share how you feel about this. Without pressuring her.

 

If you can't come to some understanding, then yes. Find someone else. Your values aren't in line.

 

Unless the woman is a Virgin, she cant play that card that she is holding for the right man. If she can spread her legs for the musician in the dirty bathroom over a night, iam sure she can do it for the guy who has been waiting for the 3 months. Double standards here !

 

Women who get run over by bad boys in their 20's and 30's play this card when they are at their edge of fertility and make the guys wait. Men arent buying it.

 

I call rubbish, if she can spread her legs for the bad boy in the dump truck she sure can do it for you unless she is a virgin.

 

Dont believe her bull****. Cut all cords and run

[io2iio]

She wants to be sure she doesn't get used for sex and discarded like so many women her age are over and over again. Let's not forget a baby can come out of that vagina, so even though I'm a liberal freewheeling old 1970s gal, there are legitimate reasons not to take the chance of getting pregnant -- and that chance always exists, even if it is somewhat remotely.

 

Probably, though, she is just weeding out the guys who only want sex -- and there's plenty of them. If she wasn't attracted, she wouldn't even be kissing you.

 

Yes she can pull that card if she is a virgin, if not its just double standards. One standard for the bad boy and one standard for the nice guy. In the end the nice guy gets to spend his money for her while she does dinky hinky with the bad boy behind the bush.

[loveflower]

Yes she can pull that card if she is a virgin, if not its just double standards. .

 

Seems so.

 

Idealistically and morally, I think people shouldn't even do it before marriage. but since she has already done it with so many guys, why OP is the exception? the only conclusion I can draw is she is not that into OP.

[Blunderstorm]

I'm not just after sex with her. If I was after sex then there would be no point in even date. In that case then, I could have probably pay a hooker to get it done and over with long ago.

 

That could have been another option but who wants pity sex that you had to pay for? It would just mean the same thing, that I couldn't attract a woman naturally, turn her into my gf and made her want me sexually (no that's not all there is into a relationship but it's part of it too); what all my other friends were able to do. None had to pay for hookers.

 

Spoken with her. She's more calmer but claims to want to wait a bit more because she just doesn't feel ready yet and because of certain dead-end relationships in the past.

[SwordofFlame]

Some women play the waiting game in hopes of determining that you like them and continue dating them for who they are, rather than for sex. I have no problem with that, since it seems many men are mainly interested in sex, and perhaps not a relationship.

 

 

I would be willing to wait - no more than 3 months, though - IF she is an extraordinarily good match in other ways. However, once we do have sex, if she has issues then, or strong limits on what she'll do or let you do, lacks passion, or limits the frequency, etc., then I WILL break up with her, no matter how amazing she may be otherwise. I expect and require sexual compatibility in ADDITION to great compatibility in other areas. If any one thing is seriously lacking, there will be no relationship.

 

 

Hopefully, she wants to minimize the users and flakes, but if she wants to wait to get you emotionally involved and then turns out to be a poor sex partner, you need to be able to walk away no matter how hard that is.

 

I agree. OP, I really hope she turns out to be sexually compatible with you.

[Blunderstorm]

Come on, man, do you feel so little for her that you need to borrow lines???

I didn't see anything wrong asking for help. If you know you're not so good at something and been struggling for years, then you would ask your friends for help or even search online.

 

How do you FEEL about her if you feel anything at all for her (apart from wanting to put your penis in her vagina).

 

She might sense that you only want sex with her.

I know that's not all there is to in a relationship but it's part of it. Honestly, I really envy my friends who have great relationships and a good sex life with their gfs (in fact one of them is already engaged).

 

Always picture it the right away: attracting a woman, making her happy, she's your gf and as time pass by she trust you and you have that strong physical connection you desire.

[Blunderstorm]

Now if the assumption of her not finding me attractive were right (I hope that's not the case), then why would she even date me? Why would a woman date a man she doesn't find sexually attractive?

 

The waiting game eh... My current girlfriend was going to make me wait 6 weeks... third date(4th day) I light 12 candles bought good chocolate and had her fav band on the stereo....Her panties hit the floor faster then all get out....Haha good times.

Thank you for sharing your successful story. Hopefully it'll get better and that'll happen one day.

[Blunderstorm]

Me personally... I think there is more wrong with people who will swap fluids with a near stranger... Someone who is more than happy to take THOSE risks with someone they barely know... When they likely wouldn't trust that same person with their car keys, or watching their pet, or maybe even watering their plants, for crissakes.

I don't consider dating my gf for slightly more than 3 months a stranger. I already introduced her to my family and vice-versa. A random stranger would be a hooker.

 

OP, I really have no idea what her history was or wasn't... But here you are, claiming you haven't had a lot of experience and now you want some experience.

I don't know much about her history besides her being in a couple relationships and them not working out. Maybe there is a bit more that she doesn't want to share.

Yes I'm inexperienced and only my 2 closest friends know my sex number (otherwise if asked, I'll just throw the ''enough to know'' line or say 3).

 

Let's assume your assumptions about when she had sex before are valid. Why do you get to learn about your sexuality, wants and needs, and make changes... And she doesn't?

Wouldn't it make you wonder too if someone had sex before within a short time and all of the sudden goes on a much slower pace?

[Miss Peach]

If it makes you feel any better I made my BF wait about 3 months until I really understood his intentions. I was VERY attracted to him and once we did have sex we had sex 1-2 times per day. BF is amazed as what I'm willing to try. IME waiting doesn't necessarily mean she's a prude who hates sex.

 

I agree with the PP. If she wasn't attracted she would be dating and kissing you.

[Wewon]

I agree with the PP. If she wasn't attracted she would be dating and kissing you.

 

That's not necessarily the case.

 

There have been threads where women admitted to not being attracted to a guy physically and was later conflicted with the fact that he wasn't growing on her.

[crederer]

After three months dating, you light the candles, get her into bed, and she gets pissed because you tried to unbutton her shirt? Dude, sorry to say it but this one has three serious problems: a) libido in negative numbers, and b) a vagina is more precious than antimatter, and c) she gets pissed over nothing.

 

Which is fine if that's who she is; you have no choice but to accept it or not... the problem is that it took you three months of your life to figure it out.

 

This. Or she was sexually abused and is now weird about sex related stuff (which if true is a good time to cut the relationship loose in my experience).

[RedRobin]

I don't consider dating my gf for slightly more than 3 months a stranger. I already introduced her to my family and vice-versa. A random stranger would be a hooker.

I am mostly referring to some of the people on this thread giving you advice. People on this thread who have a habit of having lots of casual sex who think something is wrong with someone who wants to get a know a person first.

 

I don't know much about her history besides her being in a couple relationships and them not working out. Maybe there is a bit more that she doesn't want to share.

it is good that you can acknowledge that. I would still stop assuming that there is something wrong with you or her for wanting to wait. She has the right to learn from her experiences just like you do. If having sex earlier didn't end up in a satisfying relationship for her, then waiting seems like a very good decision. It is advice I give here all the time. To both men and women. People these days are too uncreative....

 

 

Wouldn't it make you wonder too if someone had sex before within a short time and all of the sudden goes on a much slower pace?

No. I would think their values are in the right place (for me). I wouldn't want to date a guy who was quick to jump in the sack with every willing participant. It sounds like your gf is more relationship oriented. A lot of people are.

 

I would expect that they could have a discussion about sex though... About values, interests, likes and dislikes.

 

There are lots of ways to determine if you are sexually compatible or not without having sex.

 

I dunno. I still get the feeling this is more about you achieving some goal and less about her as a person. How is she different than lots of other girls you could be dating? Woman don't want to feel settled for either. Or feel like you are just with them because you can't get someone else.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Unless the woman is a Virgin, she cant play that card that she is holding for the right man. If she can spread her legs for the musician in the dirty bathroom over a night, iam sure she can do it for the guy who has been waiting for the 3 months. Double standards here !

 

"Double standards" doesn't mean what you think it means, obviously. this isn't about double standards.

 

That's just weird. Of COURSE she can play whatever card she wants to play with regards to her own body!! Sheesh!! It's not called "playing a card" it's called her CHOICE about with whom and when she's going to have sex. If she wants to wait and a guy doesn't, there is no requirement for him to stick around.

 

But she isn't REQUIRED to have sex with him because she's not a virgin!!! :rolleyes: If you feel like a guy should use her past and her waiting as some kind of emotional blackmail, the BEST thing you could do for her would be to run.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Wouldn't it make you wonder too if someone had sex before within a short time and all of the sudden goes on a much slower pace?

It would make me think that she has reassessed her approach to getting sexual.

[loveflower]

"Double standards" doesn't mean what you think it means, obviously. this isn't about double standards.

 

That's just weird. Of COURSE she can play whatever card she wants to play with regards to her own body!! Sheesh!! It's not called "playing a card" it's called her CHOICE about with whom and when she's going to have sex. If she wants to wait and a guy doesn't, there is no requirement for him to stick around.

 

But she isn't REQUIRED to have sex with him because she's not a virgin!!! :rolleyes: If you feel like a guy should use her past and her waiting as some kind of emotional blackmail, the BEST thing you could do for her would be to run.

 

YES........................her choice. her right. nobody is arguing about that! BUT we are talking about WHY she made that choice with regard to OP!

 

Like, if she took no time to jump to bed with someone, but after 3 months still no with OP...if I were OP I will feel dejected and wondering why too! I will feel bitter and unwanted. Like why others got it so easy but me so damn hard?

Edited December 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed rhetoric ~ V

[loveflower]

It would make me think that she has reassessed her approach to getting sexual.

 

granted, but if that's the case, I think the onerous is on her to communicate that to OP.

[Rejected Rosebud]

like, if she took no time to jump to bed with someone, but after 3 months still no with OP...if I were OP I will feel dejected and wondering why too! I will feel bitter and unwanted. Like why others got it so easy but me so damn hard?

I understand why OP could feel that way - but he has NOT told us how he knows that it was so easy for the other guys. Anyway, it really is not his business at all about how she got into her prior sexual relationships.

 

I'm not defending this girl, she might be damaged, she might be playing games, but it seems like he likes her a lot and I really get that there is a communication problem. Maybe she really gets the feeling that he is mostly interested in sex and she's been burned by that kind of attitude in her past? He can alleviate that by talking directly to her.

 

He is also NOT being a dick if he decides that this shows too much of a difference in their attitudes towards sex and breaks up with her though I hope he will explain that to her, because it could just confirm for her that "they only want one thing." It would be unkind to feed into that, since he cares about her.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I dunno. I still get the feeling this is more about you achieving some goal and less about her as a person. How is she different than lots of other girls you could be dating? Woman don't want to feel settled for either. Or feel like you are just with them because you can't get someone else.

 

I have the same feeling. You sound very obsessed with finally being able to have a girlfriend and having great sex. Because of that you kill all spontaneity and the natural flow.

If you want to have a great relationship and great sex you have to stop seeing all this as an achievement or some price.

Make it about your and her feelings. Otherwise it all becomes mechanical which will chase her away, even after you had sex.

[Jellicle Cat]

Spoken with her. She's more calmer but claims to want to wait a bit more because she just doesn't feel ready yet and because of certain dead-end relationships in the past.

 

Having sex is the normal progression when entering a relationship. IMO, this shouldn't be an issue. It should've happened already.

 

Sounds to me like she's into control games. Saying she's not ready just sounds like a crock o' bull to me.

 

Jelli

[Eggplant]

If they have sex before she truly feels ready, and she feels pressured, it casts a dark shadow over the entire relationship. I dare say the relationship will be doomed.

[The Way I Am]

Wouldn't it make you wonder too if someone had sex before within a short time and all of the sudden goes on a much slower pace?

 

 

It would make me think they had learned from their previous experiences and had possibly gained more maturity than they previously had.

[Timshel]

Meh...the truth is usually simple.

 

Things get complicated and weird when deceit is involved.

[Tayla]

Its not waiting. Its a wake up call to try other methods of intimacy.

 

challenge yourself to be civil and respecting.

 

and she will do the same.