Illusion

[winterkeep]

I rarely post here but have been moved by some of the Christmas posts, so thought I'd say something!

 

To quickly recap my story, XMM and I met and were together for six months, I believed him to be single. He swept me off my feet and promised love, marriage, children and stated he had never felt the way he felt for me ever before. I loved him honestly and deeply.

 

He eventually admitted he was married when I fell pregnant, all his promises disappeared - he told me that he wanted to have children as a choice, once we were married and together. To say that I was devastated is the grossest understatement I can make; we ended and after much thought (and reading here, which I think was a mistake as it influenced my decision) I terminated my pregnancy. I still grieve it's loss and believe I made a mistake in doing so.

 

OM has started contacting me again, I guess I appeared to have moved on further than he was comfortable. He messaged me out of the blue that he loved me, was devastated to have lost me, he thinks of the baby all the time and believes that if I kept it we'd have been together. He wrote of what amazing parents we'd make, what a wonderful mommy I'd be, what a perfect child we'd create and for a time I fell for it; everything I'd wanted and destroyed was held in front of my eyes - as a result my grief is now so deep I can barely stand it.

 

But I realised something. He CAN say all that now that it's safe, he knows that it's my weak point and my pain; exactly the right words to make me weak and manipulate me again.

 

By saying this he makes me vulnerable and malleable and it came so close to working, but he's an illusionist - nothing is real. In my weak moments I find it hard to believe this, it's so much easier and comforting to believe that he's sincere, but as with so many MM here his words and actions do not align.

 

I believe my xMM is a true narcissist in the most pathological sense, I often read on a website dedicated to helping women recover from contact with these men (narcissists), something she posted struck me and being relevant to both me and so many on this site.

 

The author, Savannah Grey; posted about the reason behind the lies that WE tell ourselves to enable us to believe the lies these men say:

 

-We don’t want to do anything to change our circumstances, because doing nothing is easier than doing something.

-We are content with the way things are even though they are pretty awful.

-We like to live in fantasy land, because in fantasy land we can make things exactly how we want them to be and base our reality loosely on the truth.

-We are addicted and we’ll do anything to keep ourselves blind as long as we get our fix.

-Fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of being destitute, fear of having nothing to obsess about.

 

I think all of these are relevant to my being sucked back in, she recommends asking yourself a few questions, amongst them:

 

-What are the facts? And be really honest with yourself.

-If I had nothing riding on this – no emotional investment – would my perception be any different?

 

I came SO close, I wanted to believe him and I suddenly wanted the comfort of the one person who should have shared my pain and culpability; it would have been like that first hit after giving up any addiction - comfortable, familiar and safe.

 

And it would have been a lie, on both our parts.

 

It would have been more about MY pain and MY insecurities then him and only I have the ability to heal myself. His presence could keep me in the status quo, as an illusion in both our lives for years. I don't want that, I want to be real to someone.

 

Stay strong my friends, your life is worth so much more then to be a parlour game don't waste anymore of it. And believe me, I know it's not easy.

[salparadise]

Eloquently said. It must be terribly difficult to endure that pain alone. Peace and hearing to you, and congratulations on the decision to not dedicate any more of your life to it.

[imsosad]

Im sorry you went through such a painful time and i think you can be proud of yourself for taking a good,hard look at the situation and see it for what it really was.

As soon as i read that he presented himslef as single very quickly promised marriage,i had one thought:Narcissist!

The fact that he had thr nerve to contact you and stir up fake regret about terminating tge pregnancy and future fake again shows how shameless and mean spirited he is.you are well rid of him.

I wish you the best.

[Popsicle]

He is a cruel and evil monster. I would HATE him if I were in your position.

[lemondrop21]

Good for you for getting out and please stay strong and don't get lured back in. I don't know much about narcissists but my mother has been in a relationship with one and got well-educated about it at the time. It was very hard to watch, there are some very deep things going on with you as well as with him. I wish you strength and courage. Are you able to get professional help for this?

[anika99]

Wow! I can't believe that he encouraged you to have an abortion and now that it's done he comes back and says if you had kept the baby you and he would be together. OMG! What a prick! That is unbelievably cruel and it's not true. If you had kept the pregnancy he would have hated you for messing up his life and he would have tossed you and the child under the bus.

 

 

Good for you for figuring him out and for staying strong.

[Gracie_1]

Winterkeep,

 

I never put my opinion in about the issue of pregnancy because that is such a tremendously personal thing. I am going to say though that for someone to influence his lover to terminate by manipulating her emotions and then return to talk about what good parents you would have been together is a sick sick ...k.

 

When a relationship ends it brings everyone different levels of sadness and loss. The level of emotions you have already been put thru makes me think you must be a very strong woman. Distance and time usually help bring clarity, although I think you already know what a twisted piece he is.

 

We can't change the past. But going back to what caused us the pain doesn't fix it. It only starts it over again. When it ends ( and it will) we are even more mad at ourselves because we knew in our heart that nothing had changed. Look forward.. lean on friends, family, and us here at LS. Get professional help if you are open to it...you definitely could use someone to discuss your feelings.

 

Thank you for sharing and also for your words of wisdom for all of us here at LS.

 

Still shaking my head...thinking about Karma..

[ladydesigner]

(((winterkeep))) your xMM is an awful person and I am so sorry for your pain and grief. Please take good care of yourself and may your path to healing bring you an abundance of happiness.

[winterkeep]

Thank you all for your kind and grounding words, it's nice to read what a prick he is from other perspectives! As you all know emotion definitely clouds reality.

 

I'm really trying to get my pain under control. I have a month off work so have more time to think as my job is busy, social and demanding and takes up much of my time. I also go to the gym, practise yoga and am completing a masters degree so probably have not had time to think until now. It doesn't help that most everyone leaves my city for the holidays (national capitol so mainly politicians and those in the public service who use this time to escape!) I'm rather isolated..thank goodness for my faithful dogs!

 

I have been asking myself why this hurts so much. My pregnancy is obvious and I believe that I will take the advice of those who suggest counselling, my whys are more about the pain surrounding HIM.

 

Our whole 'relationship' was a lie and in reality he's given me nothing but pain. When I really break it down, the relationship part when I believed him single, was not real and there where times that I should have seen the flags for who he really is. I am trying to be honest in asking myself if it was really him and us that I loved or if it was the words and the future he painted.

 

I see it playing out in so many posts here. Strong, intelligent and compassionate women are thrown into turmoil by their attachments to men who continually hurt them. They put up with and excuse poor or even cruel behaviour and accept crumbs from these men, letting months or even years pass them by in emotional purgatory. Looking in on the outside, even with the perspective that many of us here have, it's crazy that anyone would accept this as their reality.

 

I've been tempted to, even now fully knowing the facts I've been tempted to believe his words over the reality of the situation under the pretence that what I feel is love. But how can it be?

 

-nothing was real

-he lied to me

-he hurts me

-he took my pain and used it to manipulate me

-everything he says and does is to control and manipulate me in some manner

 

That's not love, and how can I love THAT? The answer I believe is that I don't. I love the idea of the future he paints and the images he projects but that's about me not him.

 

I can have that, with an honest (and unattached!) man if I let myself, the longer I listen to his words the further I am from gaining that though. That this is about me, not him, is liberating as I can control this. And I plan to, even though it's hard, and even though it hurts.

 

And yeah, he's a dick!

[StarChick]

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I don't post often, but when I read about the things he said after everything you went through, my blood ran cold. I literally feel sick to my stomach for you. It takes a special type of "a** whole" to even come close to acting the way he did. I'm gobsmacked by this. I am so happy you're seeing things for what they are, but sorry you even have to be in that position.

 

Stay strong, honey, and take care. *hugs*

[winterkeep]

Thank you Starchick.. and all of you. It helps to hear how horrific his actions are, it helps makes this real for me.

 

After I found out he was M I told all of my friends and family as extra assurance that I wouldn't be able to go back. I now find it hard to tell anyone IRL how close I came to being sucked back in, if I'm totally honest even though I didn't see him our discussions constitute an emotional affair so I suppose that I was.

 

It's so comforting to be able to come here and receive such honest support, I hope you all find the peace and love you deserve.

[Popsicle]

He lied to you then and he's lying to you now. Don't ever lose sight of that.

 

I recommend you initiate No Contact, in order to start your healing process.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Popsicle

[lemondrop21]

I'm really trying to get my pain under control. I have a month off work so have more time to think as my job is busy, social and demanding and takes up much of my time. I also go to the gym, practise yoga and am completing a masters degree so probably have not had time to think until now. It doesn't help that most everyone leaves my city for the holidays (national capitol so mainly politicians and those in the public service who use this time to escape!) I'm rather isolated..thank goodness for my faithful dogs!

 

So I am assuming you are in DC. You're right that it's abandoned this time of year, but the abandonment can be beautiful and peaceful. Take some long walks, and perhaps even go to a museum (if you're anything like me, you never take full advantage of the things in your city when you're actually living there). Live, breathe, and don't hurry yourself.

 

One of my friends who is also wrapped up in an affair, is spending Christmas alone but is caring for two dogs. This is a lifesaver! So glad you have something to get you out of the house.

 

Another thing she is doing, which I like the idea of, is listening to Audible books (books on tape). The voice fills the silence while she cleans the house, cooks etc. and is both soothing and a good distraction. Just a thought!

 

All the best to you.

[winterkeep]

Hi Lemondrop, I'm in another country but have been to DC, the atmosphere is very similar.

 

Now to XMM who was right on cue!

 

I knew he wouldn't respect my wishes for NC and sent me a Christmas message yet again promising me the world.

 

The great thing is that his behaviour is textbook narc, so much so that he's now totally predictable and transparent so I was expecting it which made the whole thing seem really pathetic and easy to ignore; I think his behaviour will escalate before he finally leaves me alone.

 

I'm prepared for it.

[NewLeaf512]

I rarely post here but have been moved by some of the Christmas posts, so thought I'd say something!

 

To quickly recap my story, XMM and I met and were together for six months, I believed him to be single. He swept me off my feet and promised love, marriage, children and stated he had never felt the way he felt for me ever before. I loved him honestly and deeply.

 

He eventually admitted he was married when I fell pregnant, all his promises disappeared - he told me that he wanted to have children as a choice, once we were married and together. To say that I was devastated is the grossest understatement I can make; we ended and after much thought (and reading here, which I think was a mistake as it influenced my decision) I terminated my pregnancy. I still grieve it's loss and believe I made a mistake in doing so.

 

OM has started contacting me again, I guess I appeared to have moved on further than he was comfortable. He messaged me out of the blue that he loved me, was devastated to have lost me, he thinks of the baby all the time and believes that if I kept it we'd have been together. He wrote of what amazing parents we'd make, what a wonderful mommy I'd be, what a perfect child we'd create and for a time I fell for it; everything I'd wanted and destroyed was held in front of my eyes - as a result my grief is now so deep I can barely stand it.

 

But I realised something. He CAN say all that now that it's safe, he knows that it's my weak point and my pain; exactly the right words to make me weak and manipulate me again.

 

By saying this he makes me vulnerable and malleable and it came so close to working, but he's an illusionist - nothing is real. In my weak moments I find it hard to believe this, it's so much easier and comforting to believe that he's sincere, but as with so many MM here his words and actions do not align.

 

I believe my xMM is a true narcissist in the most pathological sense, I often read on a website dedicated to helping women recover from contact with these men (narcissists), something she posted struck me and being relevant to both me and so many on this site.

 

The author, Savannah Grey; posted about the reason behind the lies that WE tell ourselves to enable us to believe the lies these men say:

 

-We don’t want to do anything to change our circumstances, because doing nothing is easier than doing something.

-We are content with the way things are even though they are pretty awful.

-We like to live in fantasy land, because in fantasy land we can make things exactly how we want them to be and base our reality loosely on the truth.

-We are addicted and we’ll do anything to keep ourselves blind as long as we get our fix.

-Fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of being destitute, fear of having nothing to obsess about.

 

I think all of these are relevant to my being sucked back in, she recommends asking yourself a few questions, amongst them:

 

-What are the facts? And be really honest with yourself.

-If I had nothing riding on this – no emotional investment – would my perception be any different?

 

I came SO close, I wanted to believe him and I suddenly wanted the comfort of the one person who should have shared my pain and culpability; it would have been like that first hit after giving up any addiction - comfortable, familiar and safe.

 

And it would have been a lie, on both our parts.

 

It would have been more about MY pain and MY insecurities then him and only I have the ability to heal myself. His presence could keep me in the status quo, as an illusion in both our lives for years. I don't want that, I want to be real to someone.

 

Stay strong my friends, your life is worth so much more then to be a parlour game don't waste anymore of it. And believe me, I know it's not easy.

 

Thank you for sharing. I'd like to know more about that sure.

 

NL X

[NewLeaf512]

Thank you all for your kind and grounding words, it's nice to read what a prick he is from other perspectives! As you all know emotion definitely clouds reality.

 

I'm really trying to get my pain under control. I have a month off work so have more time to think as my job is busy, social and demanding and takes up much of my time. I also go to the gym, practise yoga and am completing a masters degree so probably have not had time to think until now. It doesn't help that most everyone leaves my city for the holidays (national capitol so mainly politicians and those in the public service who use this time to escape!) I'm rather isolated..thank goodness for my faithful dogs!

 

I have been asking myself why this hurts so much. My pregnancy is obvious and I believe that I will take the advice of those who suggest counselling, my whys are more about the pain surrounding HIM.

 

Our whole 'relationship' was a lie and in reality he's given me nothing but pain. When I really break it down, the relationship part when I believed him single, was not real and there where times that I should have seen the flags for who he really is. I am trying to be honest in asking myself if it was really him and us that I loved or if it was the words and the future he painted.

 

I see it playing out in so many posts here. Strong, intelligent and compassionate women are thrown into turmoil by their attachments to men who continually hurt them. They put up with and excuse poor or even cruel behaviour and accept crumbs from these men, letting months or even years pass them by in emotional purgatory. Looking in on the outside, even with the perspective that many of us here have, it's crazy that anyone would accept this as their reality.

 

I've been tempted to, even now fully knowing the facts I've been tempted to believe his words over the reality of the situation under the pretence that what I feel is love. But how can it be?

 

-nothing was real

-he lied to me

-he hurts me

-he took my pain and used it to manipulate me

-everything he says and does is to control and manipulate me in some manner

 

That's not love, and how can I love THAT? The answer I believe is that I don't. I love the idea of the future he paints and the images he projects but that's about me not him.

 

I can have that, with an honest (and unattached!) man if I let myself, the longer I listen to his words the further I am from gaining that though. That this is about me, not him, is liberating as I can control this. And I plan to, even though it's hard, and even though it hurts.

 

And yeah, he's a dick!

 

WK

 

Your ex is a straight up ba&?;!d

 

How right you are, you can have everything you crave with a single man.

 

Chin up.

 

NL X

[oceansaway]

Omg...I've been studying the narcissistic website. My god...it's SO familiar. I am hoping to finally understand his behavior. In a sense it has given me closure that I needed in order to move on and continue NC

Thank you so much for the information. I wish you the best in the healing process