Sub Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 The OM in my situation was divorcing, but according to my W was a little concerned that I would say something to his W. I guess he was involved with another MW prior, and that woman's sister disclosed to his W and it caused some headaches during the D process. Not sure what or how, but I wasn't going to pile on. I had bigger priorities. Since we decided to R and he D'd, the only signs of him that I know of were a "Happy Birthday" text a year later and some LinkedIn stalking about a year ago. I mean, if he wants to make another play for my W, he can try. And if someone wanted to tell me about him doing it, or my W getting involved again, I wouldn't mind. I'd probably just say thanks, handle it, and leave her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
uneek74 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Lady, in fact, it was just the opposite. Sometimes advice on forums can be lethal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Lady, in fact, it was just the opposite. Sometimes advice on forums can be lethal. For me it would be a blessing as it would force me to make the decision I have always needed to make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I told the other man's wife. There were no repurcussions and I have no regrets. For quite some time, I felt it was the best decision I had made throughout the entire process. Looking back, it had a negligible effect on the end game for my marriage. But it was a step in the right direction for me, personally, when I was beginning to lose myself in the trauma. I believe betrayed spouses deserve the opportunity to make an informed decision about such a critical part of their lives. And I believe that it gives them an opportunity to avoid a potentially fatal STD. I also believe it demonstrates a certain strength of character on my part. I consider it to be common decency, and sadly less common than I originally thought. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 When I had my DDay, my H told me he was going to call OM's long term gf, after our first MC session I asked if he did, he said no bc he wanted OM to be away from us & he felt that if OM & gf broke up, that OM would chase after me. He just wanted him out of our lives. So I'm curious, is there anyone that wanted to R but the OM or OW chased after your WS even more after A had been outed? Your H didn't trust that you wouldn't have left him and gone to OM? Let the OM chase you all he wants to, if you don't want him and are fixing things with your H then there's nothing to worry about. Seems to me your H's fear is/was losing you to an available OM not really about having to deal with the guy chasing you and having faith that you chose him over OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Your H didn't trust that you wouldn't have left him and gone to OM? Let the OM chase you all he wants to, if you don't want him and are fixing things with your H then there's nothing to worry about. Seems to me your H's fear is/was losing you to an available OM not really about having to deal with the guy chasing you and having faith that you chose him over OM. Actually, H fear was he was going to end up beating OM up & end up in jail...due to OM's job. I didn't want that either. So he just wanted a clean break. My personal fear for a long time was that I was going to get that phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I told the other man's wife. There were no repurcussions and I have no regrets. For quite some time, I felt it was the best decision I had made throughout the entire process. Looking back, it had a negligible effect on the end game for my marriage. But it was a step in the right direction for me, personally, when I was beginning to lose myself in the trauma. I believe betrayed spouses deserve the opportunity to make an informed decision about such a critical part of their lives. And I believe that it gives them an opportunity to avoid a potentially fatal STD. I also believe it demonstrates a certain strength of character on my part. I consider it to be common decency, and sadly less common than I originally thought. There is no denceny in A & let's face it. IMO, no BS calls another BS for decency, they're usually called out of emotion for A to stop. You know nothing about BS, they can be mentally unstable, they can be in a position where they can't leave the marriage, they can even hurt your spouse, in the worst case. I dont think most BS are in the right state of mind when making that phone call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Actually, H fear was he was going to end up beating OM up & end up in jail...due to OM's job. I didn't want that either. So he just wanted a clean break. My personal fear for a long time was that I was going to get that phone call. Pure baloney. Telling the OMW is not going to cause a BH start a fight. Now if the OM throws the first punch, no BH is going to wind up in jail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Pure baloney. Telling the OMW is not going to cause a BH start a fight. Now if the OM throws the first punch, no BH is going to wind up in jail. If OM started to chase me, my H would have absolutely beat him up! OM wouldn't throw first punch, my H would of...no H would go to jail, you don't know OM job & you don't know anything about my h. This is a public form so I don't give out too many personal little details. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Pure baloney. Telling the OMW is not going to cause a BH start a fight. Now if the OM throws the first punch, no BH is going to wind up in jail. & once again if you read exactly what I wrote...it was not his W! Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 You know nothing about BS, they can be mentally unstable, they can be in a position where they can't leave the marriage, they can even hurt your spouse, in the worst case. I dont think most BS are in the right state of mind when making that phone call. I think you're working under a lot of assumptions. Based on personal experience and reading on forums like this, a vast majority of these situations don't involve mental instability or physical violence on the part of the BS. And I think a lot of BS's that would be making the call - if they choose to do so - put some consideration into the ramifications. But let's be honest: no BS is really in their right state of mind after finding out about an A. So what leads some to call and some not to? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 There is no denceny in A & let's face it. IMO, no BS calls another BS for decency, they're usually called out of emotion for A to stop. You know nothing about BS, they can be mentally unstable, they can be in a position where they can't leave the marriage, they can even hurt your spouse, in the worst case. I dont think most BS are in the right state of mind when making that phone call. There is no decency in affairs? That may be true in the case of those participating in them. In my situation I found that I most identified with the other betrayed spouse. Like me, she was under the false assumption that her marriage was a happy one. She was committing the one and only life she had to a man that was screwing some other man's wife as often as he could, blowing the family's money on hotels, and participating in threesomes with hookers. I felt she deserved to know that and by not telling her, I was complicit in her wasting her life on someone that crapped on her routinely. I was concered about her as another hapless victim in the situation. And it really wasn't to my advantage to be informing her. If I were only concerned about my own selfish interests, I would have kept my mouth shut and continued to use the threat of exposure to keep him away from my wife. But the reality is that she didn't deserved to stay in the position of the fool, even though it was strategically beneficial to me. OM definitely didn't want the wife told. He had kids and his workplace affair could have easily cost him his family and career. I knew the risks of informing her - they could resume the affair, she could have blamed the messenger, freaked out, and caused any number of problems for me. But I wasn't only thinking about myself. I chose to risk some potential harm to my own situation, for the sake of her situation. It was the decent and unselfish thing to do. As hurt as she was, she also thanked me later. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I think you're working under a lot of assumptions. Based on personal experience and reading on forums like this, a vast majority of these situations don't involve mental instability or physical violence on the part of the BS. And I think a lot of BS's that would be making the call - if they choose to do so - put some consideration into the ramifications. But let's be honest: no BS is really in their right state of mind after finding out about an A. So what leads some to call and some not to? No, i work on thinking about every aspect, the real assumption is to automatically think there is no mental illness. You should do a little homework on someone before you call them to change their life or you're making that call on pure emotion, which is never good...BTW...I have seen plenty of abuse, that's why they ask questions like this is therapy bc you just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 No, i work on thinking about every aspect, the real assumption is to automatically think there is no mental illness. You should do a little homework on someone before you call them to change their life or you're making that call on pure emotion, which is never good...BTW...I have seen plenty of abuse, that's why they ask questions like this is therapy bc you just don't know. My husband also had 2 family members take their lives bc of bad marriages. You have no idea how a person will react. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 You should do a little homework on someone before you call them to change their life or you're making that call on pure emotion, which is never good... I don't disagree. What I'm saying is that more BS's do their homework than you think. They're not just "the crazy BS" flying off the handle and calling wildly. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I don't disagree. What I'm saying is that more BS's do their homework than you think. They're not just "the crazy BS" flying off the handle and calling wildly. That's why I posted this thread. A lot of people say tell, it's the best thing but I wanted another perspective of people that did tell & it wasn't the best thing. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 After being on infidelity forums for 6 years, I've never seen a BS tell and regret it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 After being on infidelity forums for 6 years, I've never seen a BS tell and regret it. If you read, there was one that regretted it. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Wow, one out of I'm sure 1000s of BS's... I maintain that the other BS has a right to know their health is at risk... We DO owe people we don't make vows with. It's called the human being code. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Wow, one out of I'm sure 1000s of BS's... I maintain that the other BS has a right to know their health is at risk... We DO owe people we don't make vows with. It's called the human being code. I don't feel I owe anyone anything & no one owe's me, only my H. I don't feel some special connection with someone bc our S we're sleeping together. My H my problem, BS married their WS, their problem i have nothing to do with. If APBS has a problem with my WS, call them. Leave me out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 No, i didn't meet him at work. I think H made the right choice. If he would have told her OM would have chased me with everything had. I wanted to fix my marriage but I don't know (at that exact time) if that would have changed things. I was curious if that's happened to anyone? Personally I wouldn't tell another BS either, why would you take so much time to care about OP if you want to R? Or even if you don't, I'm not one to ever tell. This is interesting that you take that stance. I think for women if we are in love with the OM and still want him, we think if we tell the OM's W then she'll leave him and we can have him to ourselves. It rarely works out that way. But since you want to R with your H and he's willing to do so, then there's nothing ventured or gained from telling your OM's W about the A, from your standpoint. But men are territorial. They are wired to want to "claim" what's theirs... to mark their territory and let everyone know it's "theirs". So your H wanting to confront the OM and/or tell his W makes sense... in his mind, you messed with my W, I'm gonna mess with yours, type of thing. Funny thing, my H saw a few Facebook messages between me and my OM (and this was before we actually had become physically involved) and I remember being surprised when my H said - right off the bat, "does his wife know about this". I thought that was so odd. He was mad at me of course, though the messages weren't explicit in nature, I think just "I'm thinking about you, I miss you" or something like that. But instead of my H saying "I'm going to kill him" (or me) his first question was about my OM's W. I've thought about that often, but I still don't know why that would be any concern to him. And to this day he's never brought it up again. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I don't feel I owe anyone anything & no one owe's me, only my H. yeah, people are different.. I feel I owe it to every other human being to have their backs... this is one thing that became one of my values after I cheated and worked on myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I also feel that I don't want to have to end it for my S. If you're sorry & done, why should I put in any work to end it for you. That should come a 100% from WS, not bc of exposure or anyone "made them". I want to see you do it ALL yourself. I'm not waisting my energy on that. You don't end it on your own, I'm leaving & that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I contacted the bh. Told him I had receipts to hotels and flights and gave him the dates. All of the dates were trips I had taken with my wh, I knew she couldn't say she'd been with him. He emailed me back that she couldn't have gone on those trips (I know, right). So I said oh then he took your wife to lousy roadside places but he's been wining and dining someone else at the 4 seasons. Ask your wife if she knows who it could be? He said his wife was shocked and clueless and didn't know about another woman. I was a bit cold to the bh because he had known about the affair and not told me. I was so tired of these people frankly. I did tell my wh after the fact what I had done, so that if he heard rumblings about him being at the 4 seasons with another woman popped up, he'd know the source and could shake it off. She never contacted wh again because she thought she was the lesser oow. I didn't care if my h left, nor did I know if I wanted to stay - but I needed to get that annoying gnat out of my life. It worked and it was victimless. I read about another poster (here or somewhere else) doing it and thought it might work. This was all a while ago - not sure if I'd proceed the same way today, but it didn't cause me problems, I'm just not super proud of myself. I was really hurt and didn't want her to think she'd had anything special with my wh. Again, might not behave like that today. Wow, remind me never to cross you in ANY way! Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 She wasn't a BS, she was a gf & looking back I think OM wanted out. I think she was his safety. Infact after I told him I confessed & probably getting a divorce (the 2 days after my confession was a little crazy) he was calling all the time bc he thought H & I might break up. He seemed happy about it & I know he was barely sleeping with her. Now OW, I never knew if she had a BF, I never cared enough to ask. I'm curious why you confessed? Did you want out and thought that'd be the best way to do it? Why not just break it off with your OM and go back to your H without telling him? No judgment here, I really want to know your thinking behind telling your H. As I see it, all that would do is hurt your H and get you potentially divorced, unless that was what you wanted? Link to post Share on other sites
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