BS, did telling the OM/OW BS blow up in your face?

[Whoknew30]

Didn't happen to me, but to a close friend. Again you are very naive and you have NO IDEA what is said behind your back.

 

So I'll ask again. Are you in an open marriage?

 

I also would like to add, that the people that talk behind your back are not the people that truly love you, if you truly love someone you go to them to say what you want or need. I've dropped a lot of people over the years for that, well my group has. When one of us doesn't like you, you're not going to last long in my group of friends.

[LifesontheUp]

I also would like to add, that the people that talk behind your back are not the people that truly love you, if you truly love someone you go to them to say what you want or need. I've dropped a lot of people over the years for that, well my group has. When one of us doesn't like you, you're not going to last long in my group of friends.

 

Absolutely agree. And I will tell you from her experience she thought they loved her, but when it hit the fan again, the truth came out. People can be very convincing to your face. And you are very naive not to realise that. Even family can hide very convincingly what they really feel.

 

So are you in an open marriage? Because is certainly sounds like you are

[LifesontheUp]

 

No & that's why I confessed. I didn't want to live that way. I was either getting divorced or fixing it. We decided to fix it & 6 years later we're fine.

 

No one has a "normal" marriage. Every marriage is unique.

 

A normal marriage is one without lies, abuse and cheating, be there during the good days and the bad. Its the people that make the relationship unique.

 

I notice you mentioned being on a forum. So after 6 years of being fine you needed to join a relationship forum?

[Whoknew30]

Absolutely agree. And I will tell you from her experience she thought they loved her, but when it hit the fan again, the truth came out. People can be very convincing to your face. And you are very naive not to realise that. Even family can hide very convincingly what they really feel.

 

So are you in an open marriage? Because is certainly sounds like you are

 

I have my friends bank, Facebook passwords & we're all on each other's medical records releases & before marriage & kids each other's life insurance policies . I highly doubt your other friend was that close to the people talking behind her back. I think you probably aren't that close to a group of girls either.

 

If you didn't read that already answered this. No I'm not. We both had affairs & R.

 

Lol & you don't know my family. No one walks on egg shells & keep anything to themselves if they feel it. We don't come from that type of family, EVERYTHING is on the table, since childhood. My parents never kept anything from is kids either.

[Whoknew30]

A normal marriage is one without lies, abuse and cheating, be there during the good days and the bad. Its the people that make the relationship unique.

 

I notice you mentioned being on a forum. So after 6 years of being fine you needed to join a relationship forum?

 

I ran into other man & wanted to ask a question. Now I just find it interesting the different opinions. & no there isn't such a thing as a "normal" marriage. "Normal" is different for everyone. That's your standard, not everyone on earth. One can't speak for billions. In some countries its "normal" & legal to have multiple wives. So that would be their normal.

[Sandy43]

I told the OBS and I don't regret it for a minute, I did wait for a while but I began to feel badly that I was keeping this secret. The way I looked at it was if it was him who had found out and not told me I would be pissed with him, he had the right to know. Also I found out that my H was not her only A and her poor H was being used by her.

[Brandyundercover45]

Perhaps you should go back and re read the posts. It was sarcasm to what was stated by the original poster.

 

 

 

So there you go, you were looking for an affair. It didn't just happen you set out to look for one.

And you don't read or comprehend very well. I said SELF CONCIOUSLY perhaps I was wanting one. No, I didn't go out and look for one. And even if I did, ask yourself why you care so much? Seriously.

[Brandyundercover45]

A normal marriage is one without lies, abuse and cheating, be there during the good days and the bad. Its the people that make the relationship unique.

 

I notice you mentioned being on a forum. So after 6 years of being fine you needed to join a relationship forum?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What are you the fidelity police? You and Katielee must be friends, smh. The one thing I like about the OP is she's brutally honest. She made an honest choice to cheat, and she made an honest choice to stop. She's owning up to her choices and is unapologetic for them. If her husband is fine with it, then why wouldn't you be? And she has every right to join any forum she wants. The question is you're H cheated on you 10 years ago... why are YOU here? Still haven't gotten over it eh?

[Whoknew30]

I told the OBS and I don't regret it for a minute, I did wait for a while but I began to feel badly that I was keeping this secret. The way I looked at it was if it was him who had found out and not told me I would be pissed with him, he had the right to know. Also I found out that my H was not her only A and her poor H was being used by her.

 

Why would you be mad at BS for not telling you? If you didn't know them, what do they owe you? The secret came from WS not BS, it's not their secret to own up to.

[ladydesigner]

How? Yes you can make an informed decision once you know you wife is cheating, to leave her or not. But how is telling the OM'sW going to stop you from getting an STD? It seems to me that the only reason you told is to make him pay for being with your W, and that's okay. But just own it. Don't make it sound like you had some higher purpose to take the "high road" and help his BW.

 

Seriously who are you people

 

If someone gives you HIV you are supposed to contact all sexual partners. This keeping your STD to yourself thing is a little creepy to me IMHO.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think it would be interesting to see the breakdown of how many affairs were with single people and how many were with married people. Those of us who were dealing with single people would of course be speculating about our reaction..because we had no other spouse involved. But I think the numbers would be interesting.

[Brandyundercover45]

Seriously who are you people

 

If someone gives you HIV you are supposed to contact all sexual partners. This keeping your STD to yourself thing is a little creepy to me IMHO.

Huh? I never said anything about not telling if you get an STD.

 

1st. I asked the person who posted that, who said he'd tell his wife's lover's wife about the affair to stop her from getting an STD, how that was going to stop it. IF the OMW was going to get an STD she'd have it already. He was justifying why he'd tell the wife. When really he just wants someone else to hurt like he hurts, that's the truth.

 

2nd I said anyone who has an affair and doesn't use a condom is a fool. I don't care how long you've been seeing the OM/OW. If he/she is sleeping with you, there is a chance they're sleeping with someone else. And there's also the chance that their spouse may be cheating too. That's a lot of cheating and fluids to be passing around, no way I'd not wear a condom. That's just stupid.

[Hardgrind]

I was the BH. My WW was having long term affair with a married serial cheater who was already being divorced by his BW due to earlier affairs.

 

I did not contact the AP or his wife for selfish reasons. I hoped to save my marriage, but not at all costs. I had conditions.

 

I needed my ex wife to end the affair because it was the right thing to do. I needed her to feel guilt more strongly than shame. She was very afraid of wearing a Scarlet A, to use the metaphor. But she told me directly that she did not feel guilty about the affair.

 

I asked her to end all contact with the AP. She declined.

I asked to to read "Not JUST Friends" because she repeatedly claimed her affair "just happened" and she never took responsibility for her actions. She refused.

I needed her to be honest and open willingly. I caught her in lies after D Day. I finally stopped confronting her because I was just teaching her to be a better sneak and liar.

 

I needed her to start doing her share of heavy lifting to save the marriage. After eight months past D Day it was obvious her focus was still on her AP, she had made no effort to fix things and I had no reason to trust her ever again.

 

Now it is over two years since D Day and six months since the divorce was finalized. I am dating a wonderful woman and am happier than I imagined I could be just a year ago.

 

If I had contacted the AP and his BW, is it possible the affair would have ended? Maybe, but I don't believe I could have trusted my ex wife again if shame and exposure rather than guilt and love for me were her drivers. A more likely outcome is we would have stayed married a few years longer while she learned to hide the affair better and recaptured the thrill that came with an illicit, hidden affair.

[ladydesigner]

Huh? I never said anything about not telling if you get an STD.

 

1st. I asked the person who posted that, who said he'd tell his wife's lover's wife about the affair to stop her from getting an STD, how that was going to stop it. IF the OMW was going to get an STD she'd have it already. He was justifying why he'd tell the wife. When really he just wants someone else to hurt like he hurts, that's the truth.

 

2nd I said anyone who has an affair and doesn't use a condom is a fool. I don't care how long you've been seeing the OM/OW. If he/she is sleeping with you, there is a chance they're sleeping with someone else. And there's also the chance that their spouse may be cheating too. That's a lot of cheating and fluids to be passing around, no way I'd not wear a condom. That's just stupid.

 

Fair enough. I think if the BS gets an STD from their WS then it is only the polite thing to do to inform the OBS they may also be infected. That's the point I'm trying to make because it seems some think the OBS should be kept completely in the dark.

[Whoknew30]

Seriously who are you people

 

If someone gives you HIV you are supposed to contact all sexual partners. This keeping your STD to yourself thing is a little creepy to me IMHO.

 

First of you have HIV, you'd legally have to tell the people you slept with, then they have to tell the people they slept with. If WS doesn't tell BS they have it then they're going to jail. No where does it say it's a 3rd person responsibility.

 

As for STD's in general, if you give it someone then you're responsible. Your husband gave it to you, he's responsible for that. Just as the OWS is responsible for their BS. All this calling to talk about STD's & then to stay with the person, is a little embarrassing for everyone involved. Did OBS leave his wife after you called him?

[LifesontheUp]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What are you the fidelity police? You and Katielee must be friends, smh. The one thing I like about the OP is she's brutally honest. She made an honest choice to cheat, and she made an honest choice to stop. She's owning up to her choices and is unapologetic for them. If her husband is fine with it, then why wouldn't you be? And she has every right to join any forum she wants. The question is you're H cheated on you 10 years ago... why are YOU here? Still haven't gotten over it eh?

 

LOL

 

I'm here sometimes because at my times of need I had people on forums such as these that helped me. I pay it back these days to others in need.

 

Yes people own up, but then there are people that say they don't care about others. And to me that shows the same old selfish thinking has NOT gone away.

[Brandyundercover45]

Fair enough. I think if the BS gets an STD from their WS then it is only the polite thing to do to inform the OBS they may also be infected. That's the point I'm trying to make because it seems some think the OBS should be kept completely in the dark.

I do not agree whatsoever there is any reason one BS should tell the other BS. That's just my thoughts. I think if you are going stay and work on your marriage, then do that. If you are going to leave, then do that. If the other BS gets an STD, then they'll know their spouse cheated (unless they too are cheating). It's not for me to tell anyone anything. That's for him to face his own mess just like I'm facing mine. That's the equivalent of me contacting my OMW and telling her about our A. That's just wrong and hateful on my part. Why ruin her marriage because he and I got into a mess? Nope, just let the other BS be. What doesn't come out in the wash, will come out in the rinse.

[LifesontheUp]

And you don't read or comprehend very well. I said SELF CONCIOUSLY perhaps I was wanting one. No, I didn't go out and look for one. And even if I did, ask yourself why you care so much? Seriously.

 

Seriously? You are in denial. You had one, go back and read your own words. You were wanting one

[minimariah]

I asked the person who posted that, who said he'd tell his wife's lover's wife about the affair to stop her from getting an STD, how that was going to stop it.

 

by telling her that her husband is f@cking around and that she in serious danger of having some...? she might have HPV, for example - without knowing it or she might carry other STDs who don't appear on woman's regular check ups.

 

so she would be at least warned that there is some serious danger of being infected & she will probably think twice before sleeping with the husband without protection again.

 

IF the OMW was going to get an STD she'd have it already.

 

um, that's really NOT how this thing with the STDs work.

[ladydesigner]

I do not agree whatsoever there is any reason one BS should tell the other BS. That's just my thoughts. I think if you are going stay and work on your marriage, then do that. If you are going to leave, then do that. If the other BS gets an STD, then they'll know their spouse cheated (unless they too are cheating). It's not for me to tell anyone anything. That's for him to face his own mess just like I'm facing mine. That's the equivalent of me contacting my OMW and telling her about our A. That's just wrong and hateful on my part. Why ruin her marriage because he and I got into a mess? Nope, just let the other BS be. What doesn't come out in the wash, will come out in the rinse.

 

Ok see here is where I differ (just me I'm not saying across the board). My WH does not face his mess he just likes to make one. I don't see telling the OBS as being hateful or wrong in fact I feel for them because like me, were kept in the dark. I'm about things being out in the open, not in secret regardless of how my WH feels about it as it is not my concern.

[BetrayedH]

How? Yes you can make an informed decision once you know you wife is cheating, to leave her or not. But how is telling the OM'sW going to stop you from getting an STD? It seems to me that the only reason you told is to make him pay for being with your W, and that's okay. But just own it. Don't make it sound like you had some higher purpose to take the "high road" and help his BW.

 

The risk of contracting a STD obviously increases with more exposures. And gawd only knows how many other people he was sleeping with over time, which again increases her risks for contracting something nasty.

 

And yes, it allowed her to make an informed decision.

 

You can say what you want about my intentions but I know more about them than you. While I certainly didn't feel guilt about the resultant difficulties for him, I put the lion's share of the blame on my wife. It was her job to keep her legs closed. He was just some guy happy to sleep with my wife. Good guy? No. A person on whom I focused a lot of my time? No. The reality is that if I wanted to get revenge on him, it would have been easy. He was my wife's boss. And the company had clear policies against such a thing. I never exposed to the workplace and I never sought any other form of revenge. I had one conversation with the betrayed wife in the most gentle way I could.

[Brandyundercover45]

LOL

 

I'm here sometimes because at my times of need I had people on forums such as these that helped me. I pay it back these days to others in need.

 

Yes people own up, but then there are people that say they don't care about others. And to me that shows the same old selfish thinking has NOT gone away.

I understand. And I'm not making any excuses. But I do think the choices people make for themselves are theirs alone to make. People honestly know what to do. They know right from wrong. BS really know if they want to leave their ws. Ws know they're wrong for cheating. The only reason forums like this exists is people want someone to co-sign their decision. They want someone to agree that "yes, you are right in why you cheated". Or "yes, it's okay to stay with your spouse after they cheated". People just need to talk and filter through the decision that honestly, they already made before they asked the question.

[Brandyundercover45]

Seriously? You are in denial. You had one, go back and read your own words. You were wanting one

Whatever you say. And trust me, I don't live in denial. I am the hardest on myself than anyone I know. I see myself and my actions clearly and I choose my actions with my eyes open. I'm not here making excuses for them either.

[Brandyundercover45]

The risk of contracting a STD obviously increases with more exposures. And gawd only knows how many other people he was sleeping with over time, which again increases her risks for contracting something nasty.

 

And yes, it allowed her to make an informed decision.

 

You can say what you want about my intentions but I know more about them than you. While I certainly didn't feel guilt about the resultant difficulties for him, I put the lion's share of the blame on my wife. It was her job to keep her legs closed. He was just some guy happy to sleep with my wife. Good guy? No. A person on whom I focused a lot of my time? No. The reality is that if I wanted to get revenge on him, it would have been easy. He was my wife's boss. And the company had clear policies against such a thing. I never exposed to the workplace and I never sought any other form of revenge. I had one conversation with the betrayed wife in the most gentle way I could.

Okay, whatever you say. You say you had your reasons and that's good enough for me.

[LifesontheUp]

I understand. And I'm not making any excuses. But I do think the choices people make for themselves are theirs alone to make. People honestly know what to do. They know right from wrong. BS really know if they want to leave their ws. Ws know they're wrong for cheating. The only reason forums like this exists is people want someone to co-sign their decision. They want someone to agree that "yes, you are right in why you cheated". Or "yes, it's okay to stay with your spouse after they cheated". People just need to talk and filter through the decision that honestly, they already made before they asked the question.

 

I agree.

 

Every situation is unique to the people that are in it. The marriage/relationship may not have been the best or perhaps it was in some really good but the choice to cheat lies at the feet of the cheater.

 

But one thing I believe is that once you actually own the decision and reconcile it, the cheater who truly has done those things and worked at their boundaries will not cheat again. They KNOW and CARE about what the decision to cheat does to people around in the future and that is what I mean about selfish thinking, it doesn't apply then. Because an affair is selfish and destructive imo